by Friendly Uncle

"Come on Twilight! It's the only thing I haven't tried yet, it has to work!"

"Spike, I think you're just going to have to trust me on this one when I tell you I'm pretty sure giving you armpit hair isn't going to make Rarity like you."

"You're harshing my buzz here Twi."

"Twilight! Twiliiiiight!"

"Oh thank god there's Pinkie Pie let's go she what she wants shall we?"

"This conversation isn't over!"

Twilight Sparkle sighed as she hopped down the stairs to the library's ground floor, Spike grumbling along behind her. Pinkie Pie was standing in the library's open door, looking around slowly as though she was expecting to find someone watching her. Twilight raised an eyebrow and trotted over.

"Hey Pinkie! Everything okay? Feelin' twitchy?"

Pinkie shook her head.

"Twilight, I think I found something bad and I don't know what to do about it."

The purple unicorn frowned. Pinkie was standing fairly still, tail dragging behind her, her usual smile in place but looking more than a little forced. She wasn't laughing.

Ponyville was fucked.

"Oh no, is someone dead? Is there a plague? Are we being attacked! By dragons! ...OR ZOMBIES?"

Pinkie blinked.

"What? There haven't been any zombies in ponyville since the great zombie epidemic of eight fifty-six when Wilhelmina Pie drove back the hordes of undead by luring the parasprites out of Everfree forest and getting them to eat the zombies which of course lead to zombie parasprites but it turns out zombie parasprites can't actually reproduce because they're dead so a force of marching bands five hundred ponies strong sent them back into the cracks of doom and destroyed the zombie crown, freeing all of Equestria from Lord Naughtius' cold skeletal grip!"

Twilight gaped.

"Anyhow, it's nothing THAT interesting. I was looking through Mr. Cake's movie collection for something to watch for my movie watching party and I found THIS."

Pinkie opened her saddlebag and pulled out a DVD case. Twilight blinked, then levitated it out of Pinkie's mouth so she could get a better look.

"What the... is that somepony's ass? 'The biggest ever'... 'three hours of pure pony pleasure?' Pinkie, this is a porno."

"I know that! But Twilight! Look at the mare on the front!"

"All I'm seeing is ass, Pinkie. Yellow... butterfly-covered... pink-tailed... Celestia's gaskin, that looks exactly like Fluttershy!"

Pinkie nodded so hard that she almost tipped over.

"I know! I can't believe it! I never would have thought Fluttershy would do something like this! I mean, maybe Rarity, and I'd be surprised if Dash hasn't, and I could see maybe you, but Fluttershy? Put her in front of a camera and she'd have a heart attack, much less trying to get her to have sex!"

"Yeah I kno- wait, me? You could see me doing pornography Pinkie? What the hell?"

"We all know it's always the nerds that are secretly sex fiends, Twilight."

Spike, who had seen some of the reading material under Twilight's bed, simply nodded sagely.

"Look, what Princess Celestia and I happen to do when alone is between us and her video camera and not available for public consumption. I mean, my personal life is not on trial here! What I'm worried about is what circumstances would drive Fluttershy to do something like this. We should ask her if she needs money, at the very least."

"Woah, hold on," said Spike, "aren't we jumping to conclusions here? We don't know for sure that's Fluttershy on the box, we just know it looks a lot like her, and I doubt either of you have spent enough time studying her rear end to be able to tell for sure."

"...that's a good point," said Twilight, somewhat deflated. "If it isn't Fluttershy she's going to be horribly offended when she finds out we assumed she did porn at the drop of a hat. We need to be sure."

"We should watch the video," said Pinkie.

"Excellent suggestion!" agreed Spike.

"What! Look you two, I'm as curious as anypony, but one thing I am NOT curious about is watching Fluttershy mate, and DEFINITELY not for three hours!"

"What in tarnation did ah just walk into?"

They startled, then turned to find Applejack standing in the doorway, staring at the three of them in shock. Twilight blushed and used her magic to swing the library's door securely closed.

"Oh Applejack!" Pinkie nearly sobbed, "It's just terrible! Fluttershy's a whore!"

Applejack's face slowly exploded into an expression of horrified confusion. Twilight sighed and levitated the DVD case in front of her. The confusion left Applejack's face as she examined the cover, but the horror remained.

"What... y'all aren't telling me that's Fluttershy? You seriously think she cashed in her candy cooter for cold coinage? Ah can't credit it."

"I don't know if I believe it either," said Twilight gently, "but the evidence is right there. Either somepony is presenting pictures of her posterior to peddle pony pornography without permission, or Fluttershy's a pornstar."

"Either way, ah say we find the ponies responsible and buck their teeth out," snarled Applejack, "taking advantage of poor Fluttershy, of all ponies!"

"But we don't know for sure," said Pinkie, "it might be some kind of mistake!"

"...which is why we need to WATCH it," said Spike, trying not to smile.

Twilight sighed.

"I suppose we have to. Or at least enough of it to determine whether or not it really is her."

"Then what are we waiting for?" askied Pinkie, "Let's pop this sucker in!"

"...pop it into what?" asked Twilight, "this is a library for books, not movies. I don't have a DVD player."

"But we can't watch it at the cake shop," said Pinkie, "If Mr. Cake finds out I found his secret stash, he'll be disappointed in me!"

"Don't look at me," said Applejack, "We don't even have a TV over at Sweet Apple Acres. I have a hard enough time getting Applebloom to do her homework as it is."

"Who do we know that would have a DVD player that we can trust with something like this?" mused Spike.

"You want to watch WHAT?" asked Rarity, aghast.

"Please Rarity?" asked Twilight. "We just want to be sure it's actually Fluttershy so we know how concerned we need to be. I mean, think about it. This is Fluttershy. Blushes when she talks about bunnies doing it probably cried when she saw her first unsheathed stallion can't even walk in front of a camera without making a squeaking noise that shatters the lens Fluttershy! Can you imagine what would have to happen to drive her to making pornography?"

"Somethin' catastrophic," said Applejack.

"She must have spent all of her bits on bunnies!" said Pinkie Pie, "with nothing left for herself!"

Pinkie curled up on the ground shivering, and began speaking in an uncanny imitation of Fluttershy's quiet whisper.

"Oh woe is me, for I have given my last bit for rabbit food, and now I shall soon starve."

Spike sauntered over to her, gleefully stroking an imaginary moustache.

"Well hello little filly, looks like you're in a bit of a tight spot. Could I interest you in a job?"

"Oh, yes sir, thank you sir, I'll do anything you ask, sir!"


"Oh... oh my... oh sir, you wouldn't... you couldn't..."

"That's right! Now get in front of that camera and shake your tail!"

"But sir! This is so wrong! I'll go to pony hell!"

"Not my problem, now here comes your co-star... BIGGER McIntosh!"

"Oh Rarity! Help me! Watch my pornography and help me! Please!"

"Alright that's quite enough," sighed Rarity, massaging her forehead with a hoof. "The theatrics weren't necessary. I'll let you view that... thing. And then when you've all been proven wrong then you'll feel all the more foalish for it. Fluttershy would never do anything like this. It takes poise and charm to pose properly for a movie of this nature, and she certainly doesn't have it."

"... how would you know that?" asked Twilight suspiciously.

"... well... I dabbled in acting before I found my true calling, and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."

"Whatever, let's just watch this thing. I want to get it over with."

"And I'd thank you two not to insinuate that mah big brother ruts in front of cameras fer money," said Applejack, glaring at Spike and Pinkie.

"I didn't say that! I was insinuating that your DA-"

Pinkie shoved a cupcake down Spike's throat.

Rarity set up the DVD player, and they sat down on her big fluffy couch to watch.

"Popcorn?" offered Pinkie.


The movie started off with a techno beat soundtrack, then quickly degenerated into the standard plot.

"Oh my goodness, I don't have enough bits to pay for the pizza, OR this package that's just been delivered... if only I had some way to make it up to both of you gentlecolts..."

"... wow," said Applejack, "she's takin' the whole thing."

"Never could manage that myself," commented Rarity, "gag reflex."

"I really like the music," said Pinkie, bouncing up and down in time with the beat.

Spike was very quiet.

"I think you're all missing the obvious here," said Twilight wearily. "Because that clearly is not Fluttershy."

"Of course it isn't," said Rainbow Dash, "that's Mandy Mare. This is her first ever DP scene. Handled it like a pro, in my opinion."

Twilight almost jumped out of her fur.

"Rainbow Dash! Wha- what are you doing here?"

"You guys were watching porn without me! I'm insulted!"

"...how... how could you have possibly known...?"

"I have my sources."

"Woah down there now," said Applejack, turning to look at the sky blue pegasus. "Dash. You've seen this... uh, movie before?"

"Seen it?" Dash chuckled, "I have it on VHS and DVD. Special edition too!"

"Then y'all can tell us if this here's the right case or if we've all been hornswaggled."

Rainbow Dash blinked as Rarity levitated the DVD cover in front of her.

"What? That's the right case, yeah. Why would... OH." Dash grinned wickedly. "You guys are watching this because Fluttershy's in it? You perverts!"

"We're not the ones who own three copies of this and never told anypony that poor Fluttershy's been reduced to mating on camera for a living!" Rarity was irate.

"Wooooaaaaaah hold on," said Dash, raising her hooves defensively. "This isn't what it looks like. Just wait for the hour and thirty-six minute mark and you'll see what I mean."

Twilight levitated the remote control and started fast-forwarding.

"You guys are no fun," grumped Rainbow Dash.

Over the course of an hour and a half the actors apparently picked up another mare and two stallions in the process of moving to Mandy's bedroom. Just as Twilight hit "Play" a familiar- looking pegasus pony nervously crept into frame. The camera immediately zoomed in and focused on her butt.

"Er... um... excuse me... I'm very sorry everyone... but... I've been sent to tell you... that... you're... all going... TO PONY HELL!"

The set was lit up with lurid red spotlights as a fresh batch of stallions leaped into the scene, waving pitchforks. Fluttershy let out a quiet yelp and scampered off.

"... what?" asked Applejack.

"That's it?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Those costumes are hideous," commented Rarity.

"She was an extra?" Twilight was incredulous.

"This film was made a couple of years ago," Rainbow Dash explained, pausing the action and rewinding so Fluttershy was back on the screen. "They needed a pegasus to damn everypony to pony hell, so they held a casting call without telling anypony exactly what the part was. I brought Fluttershy with me when I auditioned for it, but the director liked her so much he paid her triple the going rate just for that scene. She used the money to build her house."

"That's a pretty gratuitous ass shot for a cameo," said Rarity.

"Yeah, I don't think she knew they had that camera right behind her. I always figured it was better that she didn't find out."

"Hello everypony," said a quiet voice, "I've been looking for you all day. What's going on in this-"

"Oh applesauce."

"No Fluttershy!" Twilight panicked. "Don't look-"

"...nooooooo! My secret shame and sin!"

"It's okay Fluttershy!" wailed Pinkie, "we're not judging you! I promise we're not judging you!"

Fluttershy paused in the act of attempting to commit seppuku with Angel bunny's carrot.

"... you... you're not?"

"Nah, I think it's pretty cool actually."

"And you have a FANTASTIC ass," said a grinning Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy turned an interesting shade of red. Angel took his carrot back, gave the assembled ponies the bird, and hopped away.

"... so um... I gotta admit to being a little bit curious now," said Twilight, "after you sent them all to pony hell, how did this end?"

Fluttershy blinked, then slowly clambered up onto the couch.

"Well, first they start using the pitchforks, which are all actually husbandry aids..."

-Oh Thank God It's Over