December 2010, Alaska;
Ever since I had shown up on Joanne's doorstep – Roxi and I had been getting on better than I had even thought was possible after all I had done. Just the thought of how close I had come to losing her was still embedded deeply in my mind, I knew with every beat of my heart that I never wanted to come that close to losing her again.
Sliding out of the bed as gently as I could so as not to wake her yet – every morning, since we had been back together, I started the day with playing this one song for her, so that she knew that I was aware of how much ground I had to cover in making things up to her.
Sliding the disc into the player, I pressed the play button and then moved back to the bed and crawled in next to her – she was so warm, that I snuggled closer and she was smiling in that soft way that made me fall in love with her all over again, every time she flashed it in my general direction.
'Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away, I missed you and things weren't the same, Cause everything inside it never comes out right, And when I see you cry it makes me want to die, I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you, And I know I can't take it back, I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round, And I just wanted to say I'm sorry: This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days, You get older and blame turns to shame, Cause everything inside it never comes out right, And when I see you cry it makes me want to die, I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you, And I know I can't take it back, I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round, And I just wanted to say I'm sorry: Every single day I think about how we came all this way, The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right, Oh yeah sorry! I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you, And I know I can't take it back, I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round, And I just wanted to say I'm sorry!'
Pushing her body back, she snuggled my arm that had slid under her neck and she let out a contented sigh.
"Every morning really?" she smiled, her eyes still closed.
"Yes every morning," I whispered placing my lips to her neck gently, "it's important for you to know that I don't think that I am off the hook, just because you're here and I want you to know that I am truly sorry – I don't think that I will ever stop being sorry,"
Slowly she turned in my arms; her eyes finally opening and meeting mine; I knew how lucky I was that she had forgiven me. I had made a huge mistake and the thought of her never having forgiven me made me more scared that she was aware of. Even now, I couldn't remember what had happened – other than the fact that there was all evidence of me having cheated on her.
We had argued over the phone while she was in another country, we had both become frustrated that we couldn't seem to get pregnant. Every time we got our hopes up – we'd be let down by those stupid negative pregnancy tests. It was hard – because we were both so desperate to start a family, and since she wasn't ready to seek professional help with it, I had to just sit back and watch the hurt on her face every time we got a negative result. There was nothing on this planet that I wouldn't do for her, so be unable to give her the one thing that she wanted more than anything in the world was a huge toll for both of us to have to suffer.
"Merry Christmas," she whispered against my lips.
"Merry Christmas Mrs. Orton," I growled back as she ran her fingers over my short cropped hair.
Every year we came here to our home in Alaska to celebrate Christmas, and we'd usually have all of our family and friends with us, but this year they had all opted to remain at their respective homes because we had needed the alone time after what we had faced a few months previously.
This house, was the one we had picked when we had been looking into getting married – Roxi was very much a winter kind of girl, she hated the heat; which was some what confusing to most people considering the fact that she travelled all over the world to the hottest places on the planet but her love of animals, and her need to help preserve the more endangered species, was stronger than her hatred for the heat.
When we had gotten married, we had come up here and it was 3 days before Christmas – we had gotten married down by the lake, it had been beautiful, she had been beautiful, in the floor length black and red gown that she had asked Joanne to design, her best friend was a clothes designer, working exclusively for her own clothing store in Aberdeen, which was extremely popular with the Gothic scene culture. Jo had actually made a beautiful faux fur wrap to go with the gown that she had made for Roxi. It had been an amazing day – it was cold, it was snowing but we had made the most of it. It had been a very small affair – something that we were both agreed upon.
Our lips moved in sync with one another and it was as it always was between us – passionate, erotic and sensual as our eyes remained locked together in the same manner as our lips. Before Roxi, I had never actually understood the saying – making love with your eyes – but Roxi had taught me so much, she had loved me despite the fact that I was younger than her by 2 years. (To many people 2 years was nothing, but for Roxi it was a huge deal because she had never dated anyone her own age or younger than her before me.)
"It feels weird having no one else up here with us this year isn't it?" she asked breaking the kiss to fall back onto her pillow.
"It is but I like it,"
"And why would that be?"
"I get you all to myself," I rested my head on my hand and looked down at her, "plus we don't have to worry about getting up early, or anyone walking in on us,"
My free hand gently slid under the covers and traced up the length of her thigh; the room was nice and warm with the real fire at the bottom of the bed, still glowing softly – it was almost burned out, but the heat was still lingering in the air. With the drapes open; it had been snowing before we had fallen asleep last night and Roxi loved to just lie and watch it drifting, it was still snowing but there was more on our minds now than watching the snow.
"You're horny!" she commented turning her head to look at me as my hand slid under one of my old shirts that she chose to wear, because she said it was like being wrapped up in my arms while she slept.
"Absolutely," I inhaled the sweet scent of her Vanilla perfume, that never seemed to dim no matter what she had been doing.
"Well let me go pee and then I'm good to go,"
"Hurry," I groaned removing my hand from under the shirt she was wearing and she slid out of the bed and headed into the bathroom.
I flopped back and stared at the ceiling – I had truly thought that I had lost her. When she had walked out of our home 6 months previously; I had seriously thought she was gone for good.
If there was anything that I regretted in my life, it was the fact that I had gone out that night after we had that arguement. We had both been so tense for far too long that it had been an inevitable arguement. I wondered if maybe that was the reason that it had happened, for me to realize that if I couldn't have kids with my wife, then I didn't want them with anyone. I had always known that I was in love with her, but I just hadn't realized how much until I had faced the very real possiblity that I could lose her.
I could still remember the moment that I had first met her – she had been somewhat timid and shy when I had approached her. I hadn't even realized that she was in that bar with her partner; she had politely informed me that she was taken and declined my offer of buying her a drink. We had exchanged smiles as she turned to walk away and I guess her man had noticed it and didn't take kindly to it. I had just so happened been walking away from the bar when I noticed that the 2 of them were leaving and her man didn't look all that happy. Unfortunately, at first I had assumed that they were just leaving; so I had tried to put it to the back of my mind, but I had noticed Roxi's girl friend leaving the bar, and I pondered on whether I should get involved or not. I finally made an excuse about needing to go for a smoke, I had heard a noise coming from the neighbouring alley, and headed in that direction.
I was mad at myself for waiting so long before I had decided to investigate, because I could see the swelling already rising on Roxanne's face; her eyes was swelling more quickly than I had ever seen and her lip was bleeding. The guy had knocked out Roxi's friend; she was lying on the ground completely out for the count. Roxi was being held by the throat off the ground and I could see that she was dimming fast – if she had concusion, then I couldn't let her pass out. I quickly grabbed the man in a choke hold – not unlike the one you see on the wrestling, but this one had to be more real than the ones we use on the show.
It hadn't taken me long to knock the guy out and once I had checked on Roxi, I had raced back into the bar to get Roxi's friend, whom I learned later to be Joanne, partner Sean. The four of us made the trip to the nearest ER where the girls were checked over and they had to of course talk to the police about what had happened and I gave them my account of what had happened. I was given a caution for what I had done, but other than that – the police had actually praised me for not beating the snot out of that asshole. And believe me – it had taken a Hell of a lot restraint on my part. I had always been raised to never raise my hand to a woman no matter what happened.
The sound of Roxi gasping in the here and now caught my attention and I was out of the bed and across the room in a matter of seconds; pushing the door further open until I saw her stood staring at the counter with her hands over her mouth and tears spilling onto her face with all the velocity of a waterfall. Rushing to her side, I followed her line of vision to the counter where there was a pregnancy test lying with the tell tale sign of pregnancy staring back at us.
"We're preg...we're having a baby!" Roxi sobbed as she buried her head into my chest.
I could feel the raw emotion building up inside me – for as long as we had waited for this to happen, it had never even crossed our minds what it would feel like when it did happen. I certainly hadn't expected this wave of emotion hitting me. Was it real? Had I fallen back asleep? Was I dreaming? Wrapping my arms tightly around my wife, I held her as tightly as I dared and buried my head into her sweet smelling hair – if this was real, it was most definitely the best Christmas present that I could have ever hoped for.
After all the time that we had tried to get pregnant, to look at this test now, it scared me – I was scared to believe that it was actually true. Had I read it right? Was it really positive? Now was when we got the positive result – after all that we had been through; after all that had happened and it was only 'after' we had nearly ended our marriage that we finally get what had almost caused us to split up in the first place.
Resting against the almost stone like body of my husband; I clung to him tightly, we were pregnant – was it really a positive result, or was I seeing what I had desperately been hoping to see for years?
"Am I seeing right?" I asked my husband.
"Well if you're not, we're both having the same illusion!" he commented kissing the top of my head, "I think we're going to have a baby,"
Pulling away from him, I looked up to his handsome features and I wasn't surprised to see the smile that was playing over his features. I had to admit that it still made my heart skip a beat. I had known the moment that he had turned up on Joanne's doorstep a few months back, I wouldn't be able to just end my marriage; he had hurt me but I still loved him and the thought of never having him beside me again – scared me more than taking a risk and possibly getting my heart broken again.
Reaching on my tip toes, I placed a kiss to his lips – one that he captured and deepened without hesitation. Reacting to him as passionately as I could, he easily lifted me from the ground and placed me on the side of the counter; the test just lying there – making the weight of the result settle around us as we kissed more hungrily.
The feel of his calloused fingers trailing up my legs making me shiver uncontrollably as they wrapped around his waist and pulling him closer to me. Before long I could feel the way he confidently eased his hands under the shirt of his that I was wearing. Dragging the material up over my thighs, towards my hips and then slowly, as if to drive me completely insane with desire; he grazed those hungry fingers over the outline of my breasts and causing my breath to hitch deep in my chest. Removing the shirt – he threw it in the direction of the wicker basket before grabbing my lips in another bruising kiss.
"Is this safe?" he breathed against my lips.
"I'm pregnant Randy – millions of women have been pregnant before and all of them I am pretty sure have gone through a whole randy period within the pregnancy, so I am pretty sure this is fine,"
"Thank God," his voice raspy as he pushed me gently back and let his eyes wander over my body.
Just the weight of how longingly he was staring at me made me shiver desperately, there was nothing I needed more in this minute than to feel all of him inside me. I knew that we had jumped back into sex quickly after we had gotten back together, but damn it – look at my husband's body and tell me you wouldn't want a major working out on it. In my defense however, I didn't want to hold back from sex with him, because if I did – I was worried that we'd never truly get our marriage back on track.
Even though our sex life had become routine, it was still a huge part of our marriage, it was like no other sex I had ever had.
Running his finger down the middle of my body made me tremble even more, a low growl emitted from the back of his throat as my breath increased, making my chest heave dramatically. I was lost in the steely trap of those eyes that made me just want to stay there; sometimes it was like they changed colour – especially when we were having sex; they would become more vibrant and so completely difficult to look away from and now was absolutely no different.
Curling his hands around my hips, he dragged me to the very edge of the counter; then placing his hands at either side of me to leverage himself as his hips thrust forward hungrily until the entire length of him was buried deep in my chamber. I exhaled with relief, I let my head fall back against the cold tiles as his hips remained stock still – his cock throbbed against my walls sparking delightful waves of pleasure to rock through me.
"Move!" I hissed in a pleading tone.
The smile stretched those luscious lips into the most amazing grin I had ever witnessed. And slowly in a torturess manner he moved his hips; his pelvic bone rubbing against my clit so tenderly that I was sure I was seeing black spots clouding the edge of my vision.
My fingers tapped up the rippling muscles of his tattooed arms; making little lines over the amazing art work that he had, had done. We had gone together to get work done, I had a tiger climbing up my arm, with it's tail wrapping around my forearm right down to my wrist. I knew exactly what he was thinking – he was trying to be gentle because he was scared that he would do something to the baby. After all the time that it had taken to get us here – he was in super sensitive mode right now.
To watch him in the ring, to see how ruthless he could be and then to see this gentle side to him, the side that was tender and loving and caring and all the things that you just couldn't imagine a wrestler being was an amazing sight to see. Every time we had sex; he was always to gentle, almost as if I were too fragile, until I urged him to be move harder, and faster against me – when he let go, I could drown in the aftermath of his release.
Sliding my fingers down the front of his body – I could feel him tremble with every soft carve that I inflicted against the dips and curves of his body. I had to admit that I appreciated the way he took care of his frame – just the true definition of his frame was enough to bring me to my knees.
"You're so beautiful," he groaned into my ear as his lips attached against the little spot just under my ear that turned me on.
"Mmmmmm I love this body," I panted thrusting my hips to meet his own.
Dictating the pace, he caught up to me as I felt his thighs rest against the counter; giving him the leverage that his hands had been taking up until this moment; now that they were free; I could feel one curling around my breast and grazing my nipple until there was absolutely no way that it was going to get any harder, but he knew that I always found that particular spot sensitive and it dragged my breath away from me as he pinched it tenderly while his other hand slid between our rutting bodies and dipped under the small hood that covered my clit.
"Oh God mmmmmm," I panted out unable to hold it back when his thumb pressed against the small hub of nerves that created the most amazing pleasure that could be withheld by one human being. Dragged his digit across the nub, had my eyes rolling back in my head and a long moan escaping my lips.
"Cum for me baby," he growled into my ear and it was all it took – I exploded in a fit of pleasure so violent, that he was quickly following me over the edge and into the pit of oblivion.
Losing all sense of being careful and gentle, we were slamming together in reckless abandon as we climbed that peak and fell off the other side at the same time. As we bounced off that dip; we had a further aftermath tremor that kept us panting and gripping together as if we were scared of losing each other in the rapture.
Finally the ride was over and we were just left panting and sweating against each other.
"I love you Rox,"
"I love you too babe," I smiled as he scooped me into his arms and gently walked into the free standing shower cubicle where he turned on the machine once he had placed me to my feet.
"I like this,"
"What's that?" I asked gazing adoringly up at him. I knew that I was always looking at him in that manner, but I didn't care – not anymore, I firmly believed that he hadn't meant to do what he had and I believed that he honestly couldn't remember what had happened.
At the end of the day – it had been my choice on whether or not I should forgive him, and I had forgiven him. I had taken the leap with the knowledge that I knew he loved me more than anything else in the world and I knew that he wouldn't ever cheat again. In fact since that night, he had actually stopped drinking half as much as he had before.
"Christmas with just the 2 of us," he brushed all of my hair back from my face, "we don't have to worry about being up and getting things ready for everyone, we don't have to worry about anyone or anything other than ourselves, and I plan on making this a lazy day for both of us,"
"I'm going to hold you to that," I smiled turning my back on him so he could wash my back for me.
Christmas was usually a crazy time of year for us, mainly because we had my family, Randy's Family – his mom and Dad, his little sister Gabriella and her partner Matt (from the rock band Avenged Sevenfold) I had actually introduced them to each other, because I had been working one of their shows, and she had been on at me about how much she loved their music, that when I had found out about the assignment, I had requested another backstage pass for her and was granted it. That had shocked me more than anything, because usually trying to get a backstage pass for Randy was bad enough that sometimes, he had, had to miss out on meeting the people that he admired.
Anyway, we'd also have Joanne and Sean too – sometimes John Rzeznik and his new wife, Julie would join us, but this year it was different. Everyone had agreed that after the year Randy and I had endured, we deserved the right to have some alone time over the holidays.
We always came up here to Alaska; we had purchased this cabin when we had gotten married – in fact we had bought it solely for the purpose of me and Randy's wedding. When Randy had seen how much I had fallen in love with it, he had bought it for me as a wedding gift. I hated the thought of spending Christmas without snow, and all the other Christmas stuff, so we always came here because we were always guarenteed snow on Christmas day. Growing up in Scotland, we had usually had Christmas around the period, but usually we never got actual snow on the day. It was my favourite time of the year after all – and Randy catered to my every need as he always did.
Smiling to myself, I couldn't wait until we had our baby – they would be smothered with love and gifts at this time of the year; Christmas was, after all, the holiday for the kids. I gently placed my hands over the none existant bump, and was instantly shadowed by Randy's hands resting over mine and we just stood there – lost in our own thoughts.
A/N - THANK YOU to everyone who has read this, and subscribed to the alerts, and commented - it truly means the world to me :D THANK YOU so much. My Randy muse has gone into over drive me thinks haha. More to follow soon :D xoxox