When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am


Kurt's breath hitched in his throat when he opened his mailbox. There it was, his name, staring at him quite obviously. It was the only message in bold, since it was the only new message he had.

Kurt stared at the name for a good five minutes, thinking it would disappear, vanish into nowhere just as the boy behind the name had two and a half years ago.

It didn't vanish, though, it kept staring back at Kurt's blank and astounded gaze. Only when Kurt was sure the name in front of him would win this staring contest, he decided to open the mail.

Open it, not read it, open it so it wouldn't stare at him anymore and read it once he was ready.

Also, it might be better to not read the message while Jim was sitting in the next room. Because Kurt knows Jim. Kurt knows Jim knows him and that's good. It's good because most of the times it meant they complement each other like singers complement each other in a beautiful duet.

So Kurt closed his mail, shut down his laptop and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, with Jim taking a shower they talked about their day.
Kurt crawled into bed and grabbed a magazine, waiting for his gorgeous and older boyfriend to come cuddle next to him.

The mail kept creeping into Kurt's mind, what would be in there and how on earth the boy had had the nerve to try and get in touch, Kurt thought he'd been very clear those two and a half years ago when he had said he didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

Jim, as Kurt had suspected, immediately asked what was wrong when he walked into the bedroom, towel around his waist, drops of water gliding down his chest.
Kurt knew he should have been aroused by that, he always would be aroused by that, but not today.

"Hard day at college", he muttered, so Jim pulled off his towel and dried himself, putting on some boxers and crawled into the bed.

Kurt couldn't help but sniffle a bit, usually Jim would crawl into bed wet and they'd have sex, and the fact that now Jim dried himself off and put on boxers before getting in kind of gave away he did it on purpose.

"I remember those days", he said, pulling Kurt close and snatching the magazine to put it on his bedside drawer, "we'll just cuddle and fall asleep".
Kurt felt young, whenever Jim said stuff like that, and he wasn't that much older. Just four years, Kurt was 24 and Jim was 28, it was just that they were in different stages of their life that sometimes made it seem like there was a bigger age difference.

Kurt lived in a dorm room at the NYU college campus; Jim lived in a crappy apartment in the middle of New York City.

"Just go to sleep, you'll feel better in the morning", Jim said and kissed the top of his head.

Kurt had the slightest idea Jim might've had a hard day, too, because he fell asleep almost immediately.



Kurt didn't.

The message kept creeping through his head, so he himself crept out of bed at around 3am, opened his laptop and went to read his mail.


Dear Kurt,

I know I shouldn't be contacting you, I know that, but there is something I want you to know.
I hope you will read this message, if you won't I completely understand, but you should know I'm not contacting you out of pity or spite, I'm contacting you because I need you.
I got some really, really bad news yesterday and I don't know where else I can turn to.

I've been ill for quite a while now, and yesterday the doctor told me I have cancer and it's probably not curable. It's already been spread, and they are looking into treatment right now.
I'm sorry for burdening you with this sudden harsh information, but I need you to know I'm not messing up your life for absolutely nothing.
I would like it if maybe we could meet up and talk, but if you don't I will respect your wish.

I hope you're well, Kurt, I really do.
I meant what I said all those years back, I really care about you.

Yours truly,

Wow, so Blaine was ill. He might die. That was some pretty severe information for Kurt to handle at 3am in the morning. A bit too severe.
He blankly stared at the screen for a good twenty minutes before he came to his senses and let himself cry over the boy he thought he'd forgotten about. Forgotten, not gotten over. He'd never get over Blaine if he kept thinking about him.
But why Blaine was asking for him was kind of a mystery, he had made it pretty clear he didn't need Kurt those two and a half years back, when Kurt had granted him the choice.

don't believe you haven't had access to internet in 6 weeks and besides, you were online of facebook minutes ago. You can either respond to this with a very, very good explanation of why I didn't hear of you in the past 6 weeks, or you can consider our friendship ended, and I want to break every form of contact whatsoever.

Blaine never responded. Kurt never got his reply with explanation of why Blaine hadn't emailed him in those 6 weeks he'd been away.

Blaine had been at home, with his parents, in a tiny town called Marysville, Ohio, just in between Lima and Westerville. Kurt had been in Europe, Holland to be exact, for a term at the University of Amsterdam.

He and Blaine had broken up before that, just at the end of High School. Kurt remembered him and Blaine meeting up for coffee, and something seemed off. So when Blaine walked him to his car, he had asked what was wrong.

Blaine had pulled him in the closest hug he'd ever felt.
"I'm breaking up with you", he whispered in Kurt's ear.

"I'm sorry. You'll always be my best friend, but I don't feel that way anymore".
Kurt had simply nodded, he knew Blaine was right. They didn't feel that way anymore. Or Blaine didn't and Kurt could notice that, so his feeling started to ebb away as well.


They'd always be best friends.


They'd not always be best friends. Because after a year and a half together, you don't just go back to being best friends.

They'd always be ex-lovers who still cared deeply.

It wasn't easy, but they tried.

Kurt wakened out of his trance when he heard Jim turn around and moan a little, probably noticing the empty side where Kurt was supposed to be. He quickly closed his laptop and sneaked back into the bedroom, in bed and in Jim's arms.

Jim hummed satisfied, scooting closer to Kurt and mumbled something like 'don't ever leave again', which made Kurt's heart shatter in a thousand pieces.

Kurt knew what he was going to do, but he wasn't sure if he could tell Jim. They'd always been honest with each other so far, and Jim knew exactly who Blaine was. He had never really liked Blaine for what he'd done to Kurt.

But Kurt needed to see Blaine, needed to know he'd be okay, because if it didn't, if Blaine would actually die and Kurt didn't respond to the mail, he knew he'd regret it forever.

So the next morning, after Jim had left for work, Kurt opened the mail for the third time in 24hours and this time clicked the reply-button.


Dear Blaine,

Thank you for letting me know about you. I'm so sorry to hear all this and I would really appreciate meeting up. Maybe it's best to meet after you know more about the treatment, so you can tell me exactly what is going to happen.



It didn't take Blaine long to respond, this time through text message. For a second Kurt wondered if Blaine knew his number by hard, or had never deleted it. Either way, it didn't matter.


Bad news. Can I see you today?


Wow, that didn't sound too good.


I'm in NYC, sorry.


And Kurt truly was sorry, he desperately needed to know how Blaine was handling this bad news, because bad news sounded like it meant 'I'm dying'.


Me too.


And so they met up at a small coffee house.

It was easy to recognize Blaine through the crowd, his hair all grown out, sticking out places, glasses on and hazel eyes wide in search for Kurt. But besides the long and careless hair and lack of contact lenses, Blaine did not look ill at all. A bit tired maybe, but Kurt assumed he looked just as tired with the amount of sleep he had last night.

"You haven't changed a bit", he smiled widely once Kurt sat himself across the table from Blaine.
"I ordered your regular".

Kurt didn't like this. This wasn't chitchat or catching up, this was talking about severely bad news Blaine had probably just heard today.

"What's the verdict, Blaine, what did the doctor say"?

Blaine's face fell.

"Do you mind if we don't talk about this? I just heard the news this morning and I'd rather not spend the rest of my year on earth crying".

"That's the reason I'm here, Blaine, because you're ill", Kurt started responding, when suddenly he realized what Blaine had just said.
"A year? You only have a year?"



A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls.
I'm not quite sure how long this fic'll be, but I do know where I want to go with this. I hope you guys enjoy it .