Holding on to never say goodbye
"Wowowowow, Kurt," Santana practically screams as she makes her way over to Kurt throwing dishes at the ground.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
He throws a plate.
He seems so calm, but a coffee mug ends up against the wall at the other side of the kitchen.
"Yeah, nothing, I can see that."
Kurt just wants Santana to disappear, he wants everything to fucking disappear and everything he can help make disappear, he will.
Thus throwing dishes around.
Because he has no idea what to do and he can't keep beating himself up over it.
He can't keep asking himself why the fuck he never talked to Blaine about what kind of funeral he wanted.
If he even wanted a funeral at all, what if he wanted to be cremated? What would he do then and where the fuck would he leave the fucking urn with Blaine's fucking ashes in it.
He doesn't even know where Blaine is right now.
Or, his body actually.
He doesn't even know where Blaine's body is because half an hour after Blaine died Santana had picked Kurt up from the bed and put him in her bed. Or Blaine's bed. Or the bed in the guestroom, whatever.
He didn't even know what that bed was if it wasn't Blaine's and it never would be Blaine's again.
He just knows he fell asleep and when he woke up the next morning Santana had taken care of it.
"Oh my God, Santana you haven't buried him in Central Park have you?
"Well then don't say you've 'taken care of things'. It sounds creepy."
She just assumed him that could take the suit there the morning before the burial and he could tell them exactly how he wanted Blaine to lay, to be.
And now he didn't know what else he should do because he didn't know what Blaine would've wanted, at all.
So he ends up throwing another coffee mug, aimed at Santana's head because she is so damn right about the fact he can't do this, and it annoys him.
It annoys him that Santana freaking Lopez is doing the right thing for once.
And he's mad, so fucking mad.
"Hell no, Hummel, you did not just aim a coffee mug at my head," she hisses after catching the mug effortlessly in her hands.
Kurt sighs heavily, so many things are so completely wrong in this situation. When did it become Hummel and Lopez? When did things become Santana and Kurt?
When did he give Santana the right to calm him down, to handle things together with him?
"It was when I took Blaine and Dave apart that we became friends," she says, "you know, during that stupid Night of Neglect thing."
Kurt huffs. Why is it that everybody is reading his mind when he himself is so confused, so angry, so sad and heartbroken?
"Funny," he says, "because you were dating Dave the next week."
"I thought you were proud of your Latina Eve Harrington."
"I wasn't proud of you hiding yourself. It would've been nice to not be the only one out in the school."
"Yeah, well, luckily that changed when Blaine came along."
Nope, she should not have mentioned Blaine's name.
"I hate how his life ended," he admits breathily as he lets himself slide down to sit on the ground against the counter.
"He died in your arms, I think he was pretty content."
"Oh yes, he was, but there are things that I regret."
"Like?" Santana asks.
"Like how his last time was in a bathroom stall."
"His last ti… oh. Well, at least it wasn't seven years ago."
Kurt smiles weakly, there wasn't really anything to smile for.
"When we went to Tiffany's a few weeks ago he had something engraved for me. He never got to pick it up."
Kurt looked at Santana through bleary eyes and was surprised to find a mischievous grin.
"What?" he snapped.
"I've been cleaning out his stuff, and I found a this receipt for Tiffany's with a pick up date, and a letter under it.
She sticks her hand in her bra.
Yes in her bra.
And she takes out a small note to hand to Kurt.
Whoever finds this, please pick it up and give it to Kurt.
"Did you…?" he asks, but Santana already shakes her head.
"No," she says, "I wanted to ask you first."
He waves her off.
"Go pick it up," he says, "go pick it up and I'll try and sort out music for the funeral."
Because he doesn't really know what else he should do, what else is there to do at a funeral?
Santana leaves to pick up whatever Blaine had made for Kurt and Kurt cleaned up the mess he'd made before he sat down at the table to think of what music Blaine would've wanted to hear at his funeral.
Kurt is fast asleep on the couch when Santana returns from Tiffany's, a small ring box in her bag. She hadn't looked in it, she wanted Kurt to be the first one to see whatever Blaine had bought for Kurt.
So she softly wakes him, though her heart aches when she does so. He looks so peaceful asleep, so whole and healed and the moment he opens his eyes she sees the heartbreak again.
"I've got the thing that needed to be picked up," she says and grabs it from her bag.
Kurt takes it hesitantly, and only opens it when Santana urges him to do so.
It's a gorgeous ring, white gold and simple, with text engraved on the inside.
I'm never saying goodbye to you
Kurt sobs while Santana takes his hand to put the ring on his finger.
"What do you want to do with this one?" she asks, toying with Jim's engagement ring.
Kurt extends his other hand.
"Put it on this one," he says. No way he's taking of the engagement ring, ever.
Kurt barely remembers anything from the rest of the week. Santana pretty much handled everything and now he's here, in a funeral home, Santana holding onto him tightly as he watches Wes and Jim take their seats.
He's supposed to say something, to hold some sort of speech in honor of Blaine and he has a note clutched to his chest.
Though he doesn't even remember what he wrote on it, he can't even remember if he wrote anything on it.
He just knows he is watching Jim sitting next to Wes and a casket in which Blaine's body supposedly lies.
But it's closed, so he just has to assume it is Blaine in there.
He'd seen Blaine's body the day before, as he went to drop off Blaine's suit.
Bury me in satin.
He doesn't know how he feels about the fact that the last time his and Blaine's body will be in the same place together, Jim is there too, but he doesn't have much time to make up his mind about it, he hears the minister call his name and his feet automatically bring him to the front.
He faces the people in the hall, his eyes scan and find his father, Carole and Finn, next to Rachel. He smiles weakly, some people will truly never say goodbye.
Rachel sits next to Wes.
Wes sits next to Jim, who smiles sadly and mouths 'you can do this'.
Kurt heaves a deep sigh, fights back a sob but lets the tears flow freely. He doesn't even open the folded paper he clutches in his hand so desperately.
"When we were seventeen, I told Blaine I'd never say goodbye to him and I never did. We fell out, we lost touch for a few years but he was always with me. Blaine touched something deep inside me when I was sixteen. He showed me I was not alone, he showed me I could be happy and that was something I held onto, even when we weren't on speaking terms, because of Blaine I was not completely hopeless.
Blaine and I got back in touch five months ago, when he told me he was ill and dying. We immediately reconnected and it was like things had never been different. Blaine was my inspiration, Blaine was the reason my graduation show was such a success.
When we were in the Netherlands a few weeks ago, we were happy. We were together and it was like old times sake. Blaine encouraged me to do things when we were sixteen, and he still does. Four weeks ago Blaine promised me I will be an amazing designer. He promised me amazing stars like Rachel Berry will wear my dresses to the tony awards. He promised me Wes Tsing would definitely wear one of my suits when he wins an Oscar. When, not if. Because that is who Blaine is, he believes in people and he believed in me. He believed in Wes and he believed in me.
Now he doesn't believe anything anymore and that's why I will believe for him. I will believe in people and I will believe in a life after today, after all this because I need to know I'll see him again.
Right before Blaine died he saw my mom and he saw Pavarotti and I believe they came to get him.
I believe when it is time for me to go he'll come and get me, but I also believe I have to live before he comes. He won't come and get me before I am happy again.
Blaine wants me to be happy, before he sees me again, Blaine is that selfless.
Is, not was.
When I was seventeen I said I would never say goodbye to Blaine and last week I didn't. I will never say goodbye to Blaine."
Jim closes his eyes and Kurt sees him sighing.
He wonders if he's ruined everything now, with this heartfelt speech about Blaine but it was spontaneous and it feels right. Like an epiphany.
He never even realized it himself.
He hasn't said goodbye, more like 'see you later'.
"That was a very nice speech, Kurt," Jim's hand feels heavy on his shoulder later, during the reception.
"Thank you," Kurt says, unwillingly leaning into the touch of Jim's hand on his shoulder.
"I know you love him," Jim says, "but you said you need to be happy before you see him again."
Kurt looks up at Jim.
"You made me happy," he says, "before Blaine was back in my life you made me happy."
"Do you think I can come home?"
Kurt closes his eyes and lets a single tear roll down his cheek.
"Not today?" Jim repeats his words in question.
"Today is about Blaine," he whispers.
"Maybe tomorrow," Jim says before he kisses the tear away from Kurt's cheek.
Kurt's smile reaches his eyes for the first time in what feels like forever.
"Maybe tomorrow," he says and when he looks Jim in the eyes he realizes something he's never really thought about before.
When he looks into Jim's eyes he sees this beautiful color.
He looks right into hazel.
A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Never Say Goodbye' by Bon Jovi
There you go, finished! Let me know what you thought of this :)!