A/N: Sorry this took so long!
Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara nor do I have any control over it's characters in real life. You'd know if I did.
You know, I used to think of myself as an optimist. I was a glass half-full kinda guy. I saw the good side in everything.
As Confucius once said, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
But alas, I am now quite the opposite. The glass is half-empty. Actually, if you think about it, the glass is both half-full and half-empty. Duh.
And forget about Confucius and his so-called wisdom. Confucius also once said, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew." Or at least, that's Bow Tie's favorite joke…
My point is, I see absolutely no beauty in this situation whatsoever. I am officially a pessimist. But really, how could I not be? I'm broken, lost, alone, and about to be pulverized in a million different possible ways.
For example, a foot could step on me and grind me into the concrete.
That bike zipping nearby could crush me into a thousand pieces.
The wind could blow me into the road, where a truck could then proceed to make me into a Spectacles Pancake.
That dog over there could chew on me, swallow me, throw me up, re-chew on me, re-swallow me, and then shit me out in two days' time.
How long have I been sitting here, anyway? A week? A month? All right, it's only been like, five minutes. Excuse me for becoming a drama queen when I'm in danger of dying.
This is way too morbid. I need to think of something else to distract me from my impending doom. New topic… let's see…
You know what movie I love? The Brave Little Toaster. What a quality movie. My favorite character was Lamp. I don't remember why, but-
An explosion in the distance interrupts my thoughts, and a dust cloud rises over the tops of buildings. People begin running in the opposite direction. Someone kicks me, sending me clattering over the red bricks and into a human stampede.
Another explosion, closer this time, and I faintly hear Shizuo's thunderous voice. As another cloud of debris blocks out the sun, I catch a glimpse of a woman's high-heeled shoe. It flashes red, as if warning me to move (which, I would like to remind you, is impossible).
The spike-like heel of the shoe shoots through my good lens, pounding me into the ground before taking off again. So here I am, now completely broken on both sides, not having the strength to be angry, upset, or feel any emotion at all.
Except maybe relief. Because, quite frankly, I'm a little relieved at finally hitting rock bottom. It can't get any worse than this. And now that I'm here, I see that it really isn't so bad. Maybe someone will throw me away, and I can make friends in a garbage dump.
The now-deserted street shakes, and I hear Shizuo roar loudly. Izaya's figure materializes from a dusty haze as he rounds the corner of a building.
"ZING! Kaaa-POW! Faster than lighting!" Switchblade shrieks as Izaya nears me. Red eyes lock onto my figure.
Yes! Could it be… my savior?
Sure enough, Izaya swoops low to pick me up, not slowing down at all. A signpost whizzes over his head, ruffling his hair before he grabs hold of me and straightens up to laugh.
I don't care if this man is insane. Right now, I love him.
"You look like shit," grumbles Jacket. I don't grace her with a reply, and instead look back to see a furious Shizuo chasing after us. Izaya chuckles again, pushing me onto his face even though I'm broken. Oh, I think I really am in love…
We make it all the way to Izaya's apartment building before the scrawny human slows down to catch his breath. He probably knows- just like I do- that Shizuo never continues the chase once Izaya crosses the border between Shinjuku and Ikebukuro.
Izaya approaches the sliding glass doors, freezing when something in the reflection catches his eye. A vending machine is hurling toward us, and Izaya manages to dodge it just before it crashes into the entryway.
This is so weird. Shizuo never continues the chase this far.
"Specs! Whatcu doin' on dat snitch's face?" calls Bow Tie.
"WE'RE GETTING SHIT FACED TONIGHT?" shouts Left Shoe, taking a step forward.
"NO, HE SAID WE HAVE TO FIND THE GOLDEN SNITCH!" corrects Right Shoe, passing over Left Shoe as Shizuo stalks toward us.
Izaya back pedals, gripping Switchblade tightly ("Zaa-CHING!"). The vending machine is blocking the raven's way into the building, and I can feel him begin to sweat from the idea of being trapped.
Shizuo looks furious. I can't tell if he's looking at me, or through me into Izaya's eyes. The blonde says something, and Izaya smirks a reply.
"SO WHAT CLUB ARE WE GOING TO?" asks Left Shoe.
"I THINK YOU MEAN WHAT QUIDDITCH FIELD!" replies Right Shoe.
"I hate to break it to you guys, but shoes can't get shit faced. And there are no such things as wizards," drawls Jacket.
There was a moment of silence.
"Wow. Not cool, Jacket," I say. "I'll have you know that my letter to Hogwarts got lost in the mail."
"Did dat bitch say wut I think dat bitch just say?" Bow Tie speaks up. "Listen, hoe. Just cuz yo all depressed and shit doesn't mean chu can cut down ma swag."
"YOU TELL HER, BOW TIE!" yells the shoes.
"So don't go messin' with ma dreams," he continues, "unless chu be lookin' fo a new face."
"Ohhh-SWISH! Buuurn mothafucka!" laughs Switchblade, glinting.
"You're supposed to be on my side!" snaps Jacket. She starts to sob dramatically, "Nobody likes me anymore. There is no point to life."
"Can you please just skip this step and move on to the acceptance stage?" I sigh. "And nobody liked you to begin with, so shut up."
"At least I'm not broken," mutters Jacket. Ouch.
Meanwhile, our humans have been bantering back and forth. Izaya is now pinned up against the vending machine, talking to a very flustered Shizuo.
"At least I'm not ugly," I retort, slipping down Izaya's nose when Shizuo shoves him against the wall.
"OH SNAP!" shouts the shoes.
"At least my human didn't drop me twice," says Jacket.
"DODGE THIS! Ziiiing!" cries Switchblade, Izaya swinging him dangerously close to Shizuo's chest.
"At least my human didn't drop me on purpose," I say. Obviously, I'm winning this argument.
But whatever Jacket was gonna say next is cut off when Shizuo grabs her by the fur, clenching the top of her zippers together as he pulls Izaya forward.
Hold on, my mind is trying to register what is happening.
Okay, well… their lips are touching… no, their lips are smashing against each other. And, um… okay Shizuo pulls away. That's good. Apparently, Izaya is having a hard time comprehending what is happening too, because he obviously doesn't know what to do. His red eyes are wide and… oh my god he's blushing. He wasn't expecting to like it, apparently. Shizuo just looks mad as fuck. Maybe he'll run away. Izaya isn't smirking anymore. He's way too surprised to smirk. Shizuo's the one smirking now. It's like, when their lips touched, the smirk got transferred over or something and-
NOOOOoooo don't lean in, Izaya! Resist temptation, because this is way too fucking weird for everyone here!
Fine. Don't listen to my advice.
Their lips are crushed together again, but this time Izaya is responding to Shizuo's movements. And… oh dear lord. What are their tongues doing? Tongues are for talking, not… twisting around in each other's mouths! I think I'd rather be back on the sidewalk than here witnessing this. Please, drop me to the floor right now and step on me. This is a situation I could easily live without.
THANK GOD they broke apart! They're both panting heavily, and I distantly hear Jacket muttering how her life couldn't get any worse.
Shizuo grumbles something, and Izaya's face erupts into flames. Holy balls, get me off of this skin! I'm burning alive! Hot hot hothothothot!
Izaya tries pushing Shizuo away, but the blonde merely grabs his wrists and pulls him in for another fight… that involves lip touching… and tongue twisting… and now teeth…
They're kissing, alright?
Not breaking contact, they stumble back over to the entryway. Shizuo uses one hand to shove the vending machine out of the way so they can get inside the building. His other hand grabs Izaya by the hair and yanks him away, walking through the opening and into the building.
"OUCH! WATCH THE BROKEN GLASS!" hollers Right Shoe. Is that seriously all he has to say right now?
Izaya hesitates. Several people are in the lobby, staring at Shizuo as he makes his way to the elevators. The elevator dings open, and only then does Shizuo realize that the scrawny human is still standing in the doorway amongst the shattered glass. Shizuo yells something, and Izaya looks back at the freedom of the outdoors.
"Run away, Izaya! Please! Now's your chance!" cries Jacket. I second that.
Shizuo, now holding the elevator door open, yells something again. Izaya becomes angry, stomping inside and ignoring the look of horror he's receiving from the receptionist. He stops in front of Shizuo, and flicks Switchblade in front of the blonde's face.
"HA! Surprise attack-WOAH!" cries Switchblade as Shizuo grabs Izaya by the wrist and yanks him into the elevator. The door shuts as Izaya slams against a wall. I slip dangerously low on his nose, but before I can fall, Shizuo's hand comes out and saves me. Instead of taking me off, however, Shizuo pushes me back securely on the scrawny human's face, whispering something in his ear. Izaya laughs and replies, biting down on Shizuo's shoulder.
"Hey… Bow Tie?" I ask.
"Just making sure you're still alive down there," I reply.
"… I don't know if I am, dawg."
Izaya makes a mortifying noise. The door dings open again, and the two stumble out into the hallway. Shizuo practically knocks Izaya's door off its hinges, and they fall into the darkness. Shizuo kicks the door shut before throwing off Left Shoe.
"CLICK!" screams the remote control when Left Shoe hits it.
"WOAH! HELLO!" shouts Left Shoe.
"Want to watch television?" asks the remote control.
"YOU WENT TO HELL AND PRISON?" shouts Left Shoe.
I don't hear the rest of their conversation as Izaya and Shizuo stagger to the bedroom, losing articles of clothing along the way. They land on the bed, and I'm surprised I'm still on Izaya's face.
"You know, this isn't so bad," comments Jacket when she lands on the headboard of Izaya's bed.
"Oh, now you decide to move on to stage five?" I ask, incredulous.
Shizuo breaks the kiss to peel off Izaya's shirt. He latches his mouth to the raven's neck, making him moan loudly.
Suddenly, Izaya flips them over so that Shizuo is on bottom. Shizuo tenses, watching as Izaya drags Switchblade lower and lower, finally coming to rest on the bulge of his pants.
Pop. The button flies off of the black slacks, and Izaya quickly pulls them down along with Shizuo's boxers. Shizuo sucks in a breath when Izaya runs a finger along his hardened cock, then moves lower and licks it. Shizuo groans.
I correct myself from earlier: this is rock bottom. And now that I'm here, I can honestly say that it sucks. I am way too close to Shizuo's forbidden regions.
"Wait! I don't specialize in circumcision!" calls out Switchblade as Izaya runs him along Shizuo's length. "!"
Shizuo must be thinking the same thing. He growls, flipping them over once more so that he's on top. He knocks Switchblade onto the floor ("OHTHANKGAWD!") and holds Izaya's wrists against the bed with one hand. With the other hand, he grabs Bow Tie and pulls him off, tying him tightly around Izaya's wrists.
"Oh, dis iz so not okay, mang!" opposes Bow Tie. "Help! Specs, help me bro!"
"What am I supposed to do? I'm stuck to this scrawny pervert's face! You help me!"
Right Shoe lands with a thud next to Switchblade on the floor.
"FreedomWOOH! Jointheparty!" yells Switchblade.
"BACARDI? NO THANKS, LEFT SHOE IS THE ONE THAT WANTS TO GET SHIT FACED," replies Right Shoe.
Shizuo is now rocking on the bed, causing Izaya to moan and gasp.
"I am not comfortable with this! I object!" I cry.
"You know, this is actually quite romantic," drawls Jacket.
"Good grief, Jacket! Pull yourself together and realize what's happening!" I sob. "There is nothing good about this! NOTHING!"
"Dey call me B.T. an' I gotz me sum cash. Drive me 'round with dat chick and her ass."
"Bow Tie!" I yell.
"Guyz an' hoes, and Ties an' Bows, cuz I gotz me sum cash and I'm lookin' fo wayz to blowz…"
"Snap out of it, Bow Tie! I need you for emotional support!"
But Bow Tie continues to rap mindlessly, blocking out the world from his mind. Jacket giggles.
"Hey Testicles," she says, "this is kind of ironic, isn't it?"
"I don't appreciate your accepting attitude!" I snap. "You're only making things worse!"
"Lil' bit of this, lil' bit of dat, give me sum cash an' I'll buyz you a hat."
"A RAT? WHERE?"
"And that's SPECTACLES to you!" I add, my mortification turning to anger.
Oh dear lord, don't tell me I'm grieving.
Somebody save me.
Before I'm broken on the inside, too.
"TEEEEA! THE TEA IS READY! WOOOOOHOOOO! YEAH! ARE YOU EXCITED FOR YOUR TEA! CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT! TEA TIME!"
It's the morning after what I like to call the "let's-pretend-this-never-happened-and-hope-it-never-happens-again-but-it-probably-will" incident. In short, the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI.
"TEA TIME! HELLOOOOO! THE TEA IS READY!"
"Can you just shut up!" I snap, pissed off already at the way things are turning out. Shizuo is in the shower, and I'm sitting next to the tea kettle. Izaya hums as he pours out the hot water in two mugs, skipping over to the fridge to fish out the milk and eggs.
"Will you stop being such a bitch about everything?" complains Jacket. "They haven't thrown you away yet, so I doubt they ever will."
"That's not what's wrong with this picture!" I retort.
"WHAT DID OPRAH JUST SAY?" shrieks Left Shoe, still sitting in front of the television from the night before. He really likes it here, since he gets to sit on the couch instead of by the door.
"She said wow," answers the remote control.
"NO, SHE SAID WOW!" screams remote control.
"OH! SHE'S A COW!"
"Oh man, this guy is better than television," mutters the remote control.
"THANK YOU FOR OFFERING! I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A SECRET MISSION!"
Shizuo comes into the room in nothing but a towel. Izaya opens the dryer and pulls out the bartending uniform.
"TAAA-DAAA!" sings Bow Tie, experiencing being clean for the first time ever. "Fe-breeze haz got nothin' on this!"
"How are you in such a good mood after last night?" I ask him.
"Huh? Wut happened last night, yo?"
"You… Are you serious?" I gape at him. That lucky bastard! Bow Tie's rap/mantra worked! His mind completely blacked out the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI!
Instead of taking the clothes from Izaya and changing like any normal human being would, Shizuo takes one look at Izaya's apron, grins, and picks the scrawny human up. They disappear down the hall, leaving the eggs to burn on top of the stove.
"Bow Ties flyin' high, get low to the flo then touch da sky…" I hear Bow Tie rapping from inside the bedroom.
"FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING DECENT! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR A SHOE'S MENTAL WELL-BEING?" Right Shoe bellows.
"I have a feeling we'll be spending a lot of time together, Testicles," muses Jacket.
"Shut the fuck up."
A/N: I really don't like this chapter. I re-wrote it three times, but I was never happy with it. I always hated it, actually. So I'm sorry it isn't the best, or the funniest, but I still hope it amused you a little bit!
I would really love to hear what everyone thought. Comment please!