Author's Note: Random, quick, semi-depressing 8x9. I randomly felt like being sad. O.o So yeah, while I try to work out Magnet's new chap, enjoy these weird... things. lol ; ;
I'm back, where I belong I guess. Are you surprised I remember you? I sure was, and it was difficult to open my eyes and see Dagger instead of you. Well, maybe not difficult, but sort of jarring? I was so happy to see her, but at the same time I was disappointed. Is it terrible that I remember loving her but still miss you?
Yeah, I remember us. Sometimes I wonder how I ever mixed memories of Dagger up with you. But maybe I really didn't? You two are sort of alike in different ways… aloof in your own ways, confused about emotions, have difficulty expressing yourself… okay, maybe I am justified.
I haven't told her what happened. I don't really want to tell her, I mean, she and I were married. Whoops, not were, are. I don't want to lose Dagger—well, her real name is Garnet… it's a long story, one too long for a parchment—and by no means do I love her any less. I guess I just… wish I could have both, you know? Thieves are greedy, and what can I say, I wanted both hearts I managed to steal. But I have to give yours back, huh? Giving back something I stole… a good thief never should have to do that. But this time, I do. It's bittersweet, if you want to be poetic about it. But I just don't have the will to be poetic right now, you never did like it much anyway.
I wonder, if I let the moogles take this, if they could figure out how to get it to you. Do you have moogles in your world? It's sad to write this, but it's more of a reminder to myself… but I know you'll never see this.
So I guess it's okay to write, 'I loved you, Squall.' I still do, but, I can't hang on to it anymore, right? I got Dagger now.
Remember to smile!
Apparently Garden has this thing where you need to see a therapist should you disappear and then reappear for no apparent reason and refuse to say where you went. And so to the therapist I go, where I stare at the wall and ignore him, and he says if it was so traumatic that I can't talk, I should write it down. Which of course, I think is stupid, but here I am, writing you a letter because I felt like it. Or something to that extent.
I'm shocked; I thought I'd forget the whole fiasco on that world. Yet here I am, remembering and sort of regretting. I'll never see you, or the others, despite my parting words. I regret getting close to any of you, because here I go, losing the friends and companion I came to treasure. Even if I came home to other friends, and to Rinoa, I still feel the loss. I wish I listened to myself instead of you, sometimes.
But sometimes I still appreciate what we fostered. We as in the entire team, and we as in you and me. I hate the fact I got close to someone like that, but at the same time, it's taught me to always cherish when I do. I can bet, if you haven't ripped this paper already, you just about did. But isn't that what you liked about me? I was blunt and honest. You were sly and sneaky.
You're a lot like Rinoa and it kind of sucks to be around her now, because each time she says something stupid or does something bone-headed I think of you. Every time she cuddles up to me I have this urge to pull a tail she doesn't have, or pet her hair, which she hates it when I touch her hair so I can't. Look what you've done.
To sum up what I just complained about, I miss you. And I'll never see you again. And I know that, but I'm still gonna send this out with a blank address with your name on it because I can pretend you'll get it til it gets returned to me.
Thank you. For everything.
And stay out of trouble.
I can't help it, I really miss you. It's stressful here, trying to 'clean up my act' and be the kingly person that Dagger needs. I never told you she was a real princess, did I? I know I joked about it with Firion, but I can't remember if I actually mentioned it to you. I guess because, all I could focus on during those moments were you! What can I say, you were a captivating guy.
I bet you got someone over there. Someone pretty, smart, probably a girl who's the total opposite of you because, deny it all you want, you love having someone who'll stand up to you and tell you you're being stupid when you try to be anti-social. I bet she makes you smile even if you don't want to. I bet she gets you to give affection in that grudging way of yours that even if you're all gruff about it, you're enjoying it. I bet you love her.
I wonder how much Gil I coulda just made off of you. Maybe enough to fill Alexandria's coffers! That might get a few people off my back.
And if you don't have a girl like that, you will. Bet you all the Gil in this world and the next you will. And damn it hurts to think like that. But like I said in my last pathetic attempt to reach out to you, I had to let go and so do you.
I still feel for you. But I think it helps me and Dagger in a weird, twisted way. She doesn't ever do the little mean things you do that tick me off and make you endearing. I miss your ways of doing things. How I had to fight you for affection and just how rewarding it was when I got you to give in. How when I was the least expecting it you would indulge me randomly. Getting carried around was a bonus.
This is getting sappy and long, and I got a kingdom to run. Or try to. Or… yeah. Remember to smile!
Writing is therapeutic apparently. So much so, if I pretend it helps, I can skip the therapist. I can't say if it does or not, I don't exactly feel any better when I throw these into the mailbox. My friends apparently have noted my slight depression and have been dragging me across the world on trips I don't give a damn about to cheer me up, most of them they paid for so it's just me and Rinoa.
Rinoa's hard headed though and hasn't really noticed it has anything to do with, you know, missing a previous lover. I think she'll flay me with a Flare spell if she found these.
Politics here are increasingly frustrating, but I'm not going to write it out for you. One, you won't understand, and two, if this is supposed to be alternate therapy I shouldn't be trying to work myself up in anger at the dumbasses and their sorceress fears and my duty as a Knight or some shit.
Yeah, I'll let you digest that. I bet it's gross.
So I can imagine you're back to your womanizing ways. How many have you flirted with since returning? I don't mean that in a jealous way, I'm actually curious. Do you do it to hide how you really feel or are you just that driven to comment on pretty things? Or, did you have someone waiting for you like I did?
You know what I really miss about you? This is going to make you laugh, I can promise. I miss how damn short you are. Rinoa is half a body taller than you and not as easy to curl around when sleeping. It gets uncomfortable sharing a sleeping space with her, whereas you were a small, snug fit and didn't freaking move every five minutes. Although I suppose it's nice not to have a tail stuck to my arm or leg in case I get up at night; less tripping for me.
I suppose I should stop reminiscing. You're just a memory now. I should learn my lesson and just live life. Tch, whatever.
Stay out of trouble.
Argh, this lack of sleep is killing me. This is becoming a habit, writing to you late at night. How many have I sent you so far? Four, five? The moogles are always confused and apparently I clog their 'system' as they call it because they have no idea who or where a 'Squall' is. I think by letter number ten they'll throw them back in my face and I can finally have a reality check, that you're not here anymore and I can't have you or see you or speak to you in any way.
I'm not the depressive type. Well, I try not to be. I was the few optimistic people in the group, bringing smiles to everyone. You'd think I could do it to myself.
I probably won't send a tenth letter. I think this'll be my last, and shortest. I have to stop and let it all go. So, I miss you, I love you.
Wishing I Were Yours,
This just makes shit worse.
This'll be returned to me, like all the previous ones. But I feel like I gotta try one more time.
I didn't say it much, but I did love you. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, with whoever you're with. I really do.