Title: My heaven, My hell
Pairing: Jacob/Paul; mentions of Paul/Rachel
Declaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters, plots or conceptions of Twilight, unfortunately. They belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Summary: Paul is his drug… his pain… the one who holds Jacob's heart in his hands. The only one who can bring him to the highest heaven or throw him into the deepest, infernal abyss… But Jacob is sure… he knows that heavens shall not be his… not in this life.
A/N1: This is a sequel to my one shot "Last Kiss" . You seemed to like it very much so I decided to write a more fleshed out follow up piece to it. It is split into two parts because it turned out too long. I am still working on the second part, though. I recommend you read "Last Kiss" first before reading "My heaven, My Hell" . Of course it can be read as a stand alone fic but reading the two fics will give you more complete notion about the whole thing. I hope that you will like it. I am really curious to know what do you think. :)
~My Heaven, My Hell~
It is dark and stuffy. The only light entering the room is the slight silvery glow of the moon, creeping over the wall across from the window.
He is staring at the ceiling, his eyes focused ahead of him but seeing nothing. His breathing is heavy and slow, his heart pounding in his ears. The white covers that are wrapped around his sweat slicked body are making him feel even hotter than he already is…
A muffled moan of ecstasy echoes from the room next to his, it vibrates over the thin walls and Jacob's hands fist into the sheets desperately as he fights against the urge to bang a few times on the wall in order to make them stop….
Jacob knows that his fist will probably break through it and he is sure that once he has started he won't be able to restrain himself…. He will shatter everything that comes in his way…
The loud, ardent cries slowly fade to mere whimpers and choked gasps and Jacob shifts in the bed and turns on his side. He buries his face in the pillow as he groans into it and digs his nails into the mattress.
Can't she just come already…?
He hates it. He hates the fact that he has to be here, he hates the fact that he is forced to listen to them making love every single night…
"Oh, God!" He hears his sister exclaim breathlessly and his whole body goes rigid and his loins clench in need at the sound of the husky, masculine moan that echoes in response.
Paul sounds different now… he is more quiet and restrained and Jacob knows the reason. Rachel can't treat him the way Jacob has…. She can't give Paul what Jacob used to give him. She can't wrench out from Paul the sounds that Jacob used to wring out from him. When Paul is with Rachel he doesn't whimper, he doesn't cry out… he is not whining between choked moans and begging for more.
He wants them to finish already. He wants it all to be over at least for tonight but he knows that that is just wishful thinking.
To his great frustration Jacob is hard again… hard and longing, like every single time this is happening. His treacherous body responds, reacts and swallows avidly every single sound that Paul makes…. Every single groan or quiet moan, every single sigh and muffled cry go straight to Jacob's throbbing erection and make him even harder than he already is.
Jacob can't touch Paul, he is not allowed to hold him. He can't have him… but his body just refuses to accept that fact. It still longs for what is not his… it still aches for that luscious, alluring flesh, silky skin and hot inviting tightness that used to constrict around him so bitter-sweetly.
Eventually the loud and breathless moans slow down and become more silent and quiet and Jacob bites at his lower lip harshly when he finally hears his sister voicing her climax.
Rachel cries out Paul's name a couple of times before she lets out an ardent, fervent moan and the rhythmical, faint bangs of the headboard against the wall finally come to a halt.
Jacob's heart clenches inside his chest and his straining manhood twitches painfully at the sound of the strangled, husky moan of completion that leaves Paul's throat.
Dead, tangible silence sets in and Jacob's hand slowly releases the sheet. His fingers are tingling and rigid from the hard grip and he flexes them a couple of times to relieve some of the slight pain as a silent sigh leaves his lips.
He doesn't know what is worse – listening to them doing it or the heavy silence that sets in afterwards when he pictures them falling asleep, entangled in each other's arms in the wet sheets.
The old, wooden floorboards creak under his bare feet as he makes his way downstairs and to the kitchen. He knows that he won't be able to fall asleep tonight, like many other nights before and there is no use in forcing himself to lie in the bed and stare at the ceiling for hours.
He doesn't turn the lights on, he prefers the soothing light of the moon that prevents the room from being completely dark. Jacob pours himself a glass of water and sits on the heavy, solid wooden table that is in the middle of the kitchen.
He takes a little sip from the cool liquid and swallows it slowly as his eyes slide closed.
It's been four months. Four months since that desperate, bitter and filled with pain, rainy night in the woods when he has had Paul, made love to him, when he has kissed and tasted his lips for last time. And to Jacob it seems like it has happened yesterday.
They say that time heals everything, but there is no one other than Jacob who can say without a doubt that this is a big, fucking lie.
It doesn't help. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many days and nights pass it still hurts the same way, his chest still burns and clenches in agony. The pain is not subsiding, it only grows and becomes deeper and darker. His jealousy grips him by the throat every single time he sees them together, it chokes him, leaves him breathless with disdain, envy and frustration.
And the most absurd thing is that he can't hate Paul. Yes, he can hate Rachel, he can despise and loathe his own flesh and blood. His own sister is an enemy to him, she is the reason why he has lost the only thing that has really mattered to him.
But Jacob can't hate Paul no matter how hard he tries. Every single time when he stares into those chocolate hued brown depths he feels weak, yielding and disarmed… he feels like he is sinking into longing and craving laced abyss of which there is no escape… of which there is no way out.
He just can't fight it, he can't fight the unbearable desire that inflames his insides every single time he sees Paul, he can't fight the corrupting heat that swallows his whole body when his eyes meet Paul's accidentally over the table at dinner.
And what hurts the most is that Paul is so close, so painfully and torturously close that he can smell him. Jacob can feel the heat of his flesh when they pass by each other at the doorway every morning.
Paul is so incredibly close and yet so far away. And the more Jacob muses upon it the more confused and desperate he feels. He doesn't know what to think or do anymore, he doesn't know how to escape from it or whether he wants to escape.
Jacob knows that the nature of his feelings is warped, masochistic and self-destructive but that doesn't make it less painful or difficult to pull away from Paul.
It hurts to be close to him but it will be twice more painful and torturing to be away from what his body and heart crave for.
Jacob is so engrossed in his musings that he doesn't hear the soft footsteps that slowly near the kitchen until suddenly the lights are on and his head snaps up to find Paul standing by the doorway, his hand still resting on the light switch.
Paul gasps lightly as he stares at Jacob with wide eyes, his body visibly tensing and Jacob finds himself inhaling deeply.
Neither of them has expected to find the other one here.
Jacob puts the glass of water on the table as he slowly stands up from the wooden piece of furniture and stares at the other boy expectantly.
He wonders what it will be this time – cold reticence or awkward ignorance.
For a minute Paul doesn't say anything, he doesn't even move and Jacob curses himself when his eyes unconsciously slide slowly over the other boy's body with hunger and pained yearning.
Paul has just a white towel wrapped around his hips, his chest glistening slightly with tiny beads of water and his short hair still visibly damp from the shower he has obviously taken.
Paul bites at his lower lip nervously as he inhales slowly through his nose and his hands cross defensively in front of his chest.
"I-I didn't know that you are here…." He mumbles quietly, his gaze cast downwards, his eyes avoiding Jacob's purposefully. "You probably want to be alone…so I will just…"
"You won't even look at me, will you?"
"Don't what?" Jacob whispers firmly as he approaches the other boy, his eyes narrowing as he stares at Paul's face, his chest swelling with a strange mixture of bitter longing and frustration. "Jacob, don't do this!... Jacob, don't start again! "
Paul lets out a shaky breath as he closes his eyes briefly and bents his head slightly. He doesn't answer. He just wraps his arms around himself as he takes a step back and tries to leave the room. But he doesn't manage to go far before Jacob grabs at his arm and pulls him back. A choked gasp leaves Paul's lips when Jacob's arms wraps around his waist and keep him firmly in place.
Jacob doesn't say anything as his nuzzles Paul's temple softly and his grip around the boy in his arms tightens. It feels so good to hold Paul again, to touch him, to feel his heart thudding wildly against his own. Paul's skin burns against his, it makes Jacob's breath come out in soft, irregular pants.
"Let me go!" Paul says in a harsh whisper as he tries to push the other boy away. "Jacob, stop it! This is…"
"What? Ridiculous? Stupid? Pathetic?... Insane?" Jacob's hands grab at Paul's shoulders and push him against the wall, effectively trapping him between his body and the hard surface. "Am I insane, Paul?"
Jacob closes his eyes briefly as he inhales deeply through his nose. His mind is dazed with anxiety, confusion and painful anger while his body aches for the other boy's, tingles with need and torturing craving. Jacob doesn't even know why he is doing this, he doesn't know what will happen next. All he knows is that the strange jumble of emotions boiling inside his chest makes him challenge Paul, makes him want to see what Paul will actually do.
He is tired of the games, of Paul's ignorance or silent coldness, he is tired from the endless cycle of avoiding each other, of the constant pretences and acting as though nothing happened. Something has actually happened between them and Jacob would be damned if he let Paul forget that.
"Yes! You are!" Paul snarls and pushes the other boy away. "What the fuck do you think you are doing!
Jacob's eyes narrow, his lips pressing into a thin line as he stares at the other boy and approaches him again. Paul doesn't even manage to gasp when he is slammed against the wall for a second time that night, Jacob's fingers digging into his shoulders. Jacob presses his forehead against the other boy's and Paul squeezes his eyes shut.
He pushes his knee between the other male's thighs and Paul's breath hitches in his throat as Jacob slowly runs his hand along his side until it reaches his towel clad hip. Paul bites at his lower lip harshly when he feels his body immediately respond to the touch, his skin shivering in anticipation.
"See? …this is insane…." Jacob chuckles huskily, the sound completely void of humor. He rubs his nose against Paul's throat, his lips brushing against the soft skin. The kiss is so soft and lingering that it makes Paul shudder and tremble as the tip of Jacob's tongue slides against his neck.
"You still react in the same way…. You still shake like a leaf when I touch you… your breath still hitches…. Your heart beats so fast that it will burst through your ribcage…" He mumbles quietly, his hands resting on Paul's narrow hips. "Isn't it insane, huh? You can't deny it… you can neither hide it nor ignore it… your own body is betraying you. It can't lie or pretend… it can't play games…"
"L-let me go…" Paul barely manages to choke out as his hands press against Jacob's bare chest weakly, in a pathetic attempt to push him away. His body feels so weak and languid, so lax and pliant, so treacherously avid and hungry for Jacob's touch, for his hands and caresses.
"Do you want me to?"
"Do you want me to me to let you go?"
Paul inhales deeply, his eyes still tightly shut as he trembles in Jacob's arms, his chest raising and falling erratically as he pants softly.
"Look at me…" Jacob mumbles as his fingers brush against the other boy's chin, making Paul title his head. "Open your eyes, look at me and tell me that you want me to let you go and I will…. "
"Jake, don't do that…."
Jacob's hands slide from the boy's hips to his buttocks and rest firmly on Paul's pert behind. He presses Paul harder against the wall, his thigh pressing more demandingly against the boy's crotch. Paul whimpers silently, his hands gripping on instinct at Jacob's biceps as he feels his body quickly giving into the kindling touches.
"Come on, Paul …. Tell me that you don't want me! Tell me that you never think about me when you lie next to her…"
"Rachel is my…"
"Tell me that you don't think about me when you fuck her!"
Paul almost gasps, his eyes locking with Jacob's dark orbs and meeting shimmering with frustration and passion gaze. He shakes his head furiously and pushes Jacob away with a jerky movement.
"Do you, Paul?"
"You are crazy!" Paul whispers with agitation, trying desperately to ignore the torturing tingles that spread through his body when Jacob just stares at him with the same heated look, his lips slowly curling into bitter, cynical smile as he reaches for Paul again.
"It's true… isn't it?" He sneers as he sees the desperate and helpless expression that crosses the other boy's face. "She can't touch you like I do… she can't give you what I can…."
Paul inhales deeply as he hides his face in his hands and shakes his head lightly. He is surrendering, slowly but surely. Paul is giving in, Jacob can feel it, he can feel his resistance crumbling little by little with every word or touch, with every heated gaze he casts upon him.
"We both need this… we need it Paul and you know it…"
He cups Paul's face with his hands and makes him raise his head. Paul is shaking so violently now that Jacob can feel the tremors running through his own body when he presses the other boy against his chest.
"Jake, don't want this from me…. just don't …."
Paul feels so weak in his arms, so pliant and helpless that Jacob feels as though he will break him if he presses him any harder. His eyes flicker to his lips and the desire to taste them leaves him breathless with need and ravenous longing. They look so succulent, so soft and luscious that he finds himself swallowing thickly, his throat suddenly becoming tight and dry.
"Let me go…, Jacob…." Paul all but rasps as he squeezes his eyes tightly shut, still refusing to look the other boy in the eyes. He can't meet Jacob's gaze, can't bring himself to lift his head and look into those dark brown orbs because deep down he knows that he won't be able to stand it, he knows that if he does it, his already weak resistance will be shattered completely.
"Look at me…."
Jacob feels his self control slipping through his fingers as his eyes are focused on those tempting lips, watching them curling softly to form a weak "No." Paul shakes his head slightly as he runs the tip of his tongue over his lips nervously and that is all it takes for Jacob to completely lose it.
All Paul manages is a startled gasp as Jacob slams their lips together in a forceful, hungry kiss. Paul's whole body immediately reacts to the assault, it shivers in traitorous excitement and anticipation. Jacob's arms wrap tightly around him as he lifts Paul's shaking figure and puts him on the table. Jacob clutches at him harder, his demanding tongue runs over the seal of the other boy's lips and pries them open as it slips eagerly inside Paul's hot mouth.
At first Paul tries to fight it but his resistance quickly melts away under the drugging power of the hard kiss. He just can't help it, he moans loudly as Jacob ravishes his mouth forcefully, his lips being greedily sucked and nibbled on, his tongue being caressed teasingly and gradually goaded into action.
His hands instinctively grab at Jacob's shoulders for support, his shaking fingers digging into the heated hard flesh. Jacob growls into Paul's mouth as he grips at his quivering thighs tightly and spreads them in a swift motion as he moves to stand between Paul's legs, pressing their crotches together.
Paul's breath comes short, his heart painfully hammering against his ribcage as he wraps his legs around Jacob's hips on instinct. The kiss leaves him breathless, he feels as though he will lose consciousness in any moment, the lack of oxygen making him feel dizzy and intoxicated. Jacob kisses him with so much hunger, need and famished yearning that he will suffocate them both with greedy passion and desire.
"J- Jake…" Paul chokes out in a croaked gasp as Jacob finally pulls away only to attack his neck, mere seconds later, his pearly white teeth scrapping against the soft skin. Paul whimpers as he buries his fingers into the inky black locks of the other boy's short, spiky hair and Jacob growls against his neck as he pulls him closer, pressing him harder against his chest.
"Tell me to stop…." Jacob rasps against his neck and he feels how the smooth skin shivers under his fingers as his hands slide slowly over hard thighs, pushing the towel away." Tell me to stop… and I will, Paul…"
Paul doesn't say anything as he just clings harder to Jacob, his body shaking, his breath uneven and shallow as he buries his face in Jacob's shoulder. Jacob takes it as a positive answer, he doesn't need actual response, he doesn't need words in order to understand. His hands slide higher over quivering thighs as Paul's nails dig into his shoulder.
"I hate you…." Paul whispers breathlessly against his heated skin and Jacob's hands stop their motion. "I hate you so much…. "
He does hate it. He hates the way his body reacts to Jacob's touch, how it shivers and quivers with need and longing every single time Jacob looks at him, every single time when those dark orbs stop on him. It is a torture, pure torture to live in the same house with him, to see him every day, to bear that sad, bitter and famished look in his eyes.
"I know… but that doesn't change anything…. "
Paul squeezes his eyes shut as he presses himself even closer against the other boy's chest, his heart beating wildly, as though it wants to burst out if his chest and escape…. Escape from the pain, from the unbearable need… to escape from Jacob.
"You still want me…." Jacob whispers quietly as he strokes Paul's thighs lightly. "You imprinted on her… but you still can't leg go… still can't overcome it…. Just like me, Paul you will never be able to forget…"
Jacob presses their foreheads together and this time when his lips claim Paul's it isn't forceful or against his will. Paul lets a faint sigh as he opens up obediently when Jacob's tongue slowly slides inside his mouth.
Jacob's fingers slide over Paul's heated flesh and slowly unwrap the towel from around his waist. The white fluffy cloth falls on the floor and Jacob's hands rest on Paul's knees as he urgently pushes his legs apart, making space for himself. Paul's naked body presses against him impatiently, with bitter, helpless need, his legs wrapping rigidly around Jacob's hips, keeping him firmly in place as their crotches press together tightly, the feeling making them both moan.
Jacob almost gasps when he feels warm, shaking hand sliding inside his grey sweat pants and wrapping hesitantly around his rigid shaft. Paul's lips linger down his jaw line and press softly against his neck, his breath shaky and scorching hot against Jacob's skin, making him shiver and tighten his grip on the other boy's knees.
"Are you going to fuck me now?" Paul asks quietly, his chest swelling with deep intake of air and Jacob can feel him trembling lightly, Paul's hand slightly tightening its grip around his erection.
"Do you want me to?"
Paul remains silent, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly as he swallows thickly and buries his face in Jacob's neck, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.
"Tell me you want me…" Jacob almost snarls, his fingers digging into Paul's quivering thighs, his lips moving to the other boy's ear. "Tell me you want me, Paul!"
"I…I …" Paul stutters, his throat getting tight and dry as he feels Jacob hardening and growing in his hand, his hot breath burning his skin. "I want you… I do, Jake…"
Jacob's lips curl into barely noticeable, bitter smile as he suddenly grabs at Paul's thighs and pulls him harshly against himself with a curt, fast movement, making him lie on the table, his back hitting the hard wooden surface.
"Beg me!" Jacob growls, his hands spreading Paul's legs demandingly, his bulging crotch pressing against the other boy's bare bottom, making him gasp sharply. "Beg me, Paul! Beg me to fuck you!"
Paul's eyes widen, his mouth gaping a couple of times as he stares at Jacob unbelievingly, his pupils so dilated that his eyes look more black than brown. He doesn't say anything though, his eyes holding Jacob's shimmering gaze with something between hurt and torturing longing, and his lack of action or response only makes Jacob become more aggressive.
Jacob wants him to beg, he wants Paul to say it, to fucking utter aloud that he wants this, that he needs it just as bad as him. Jacob has been denying himself what he truly wants for so long and now the desire is almost blinding him, his body screaming and craving to finally have Paul, to claim him in a way that nobody else can. Though he needs to hear it, to hear the words leaving Paul's lips, to finally wrench from Paul his real desires and shatter all the lame pretenses and passive, defensive demeanor.
It is almost unbelievable how bitter he has gotten, how the bloody, sticky agony of his broken heart has corrupted him, corroded him from the inside like gangrene. Jacob has become cynical, aggressive, edgy and filled with resentment and frustrated bitterness. His father has said that he can't recognize his son and Jacob is so wounded and damaged that he doesn't know who he really is… not anymore. This is killing him, the pain, the excruciating agony of seeing them together every day, the nights when he has to listen to Rachel's cries and moans….
He is dying from the inside… his pain mingled with torturing, constant and agonizing longing, longing for something that is not his and never will be…
He can't have Paul, no matter what he does Paul will never belong to him. Jacob's mind comprehends it… but his heart just refuses to do so. And it still beats treacherously, stiffens and bleeds for Paul… bleeds with anguished stubbornness and affliction that some day will lead Jacob to his end…
Paul remains silent, his eyes tightly shut, his chest heaving erratically and Jacob's grip on his thighs loosens slightly, his fingers shaking as he caresses the smooth skin softly before pulling away. His eyes slide closed and he exhales slowly as he forces himself to let Paul go… his chest filling with remorse and regret…
This is madness… Paul is right…. What they are doing is insane…. A pathetic act of desperation and aching, scorching craving that will lead them nowhere… that will leave them even more broken, damaged and afflicted than before….
He doesn't manage to make even a single step before long, shaky fingers curl around his wrist and pull him back. Hot, urgent and avid lips press against his with famished craving and Jacob almost gasps when Paul's naked body presses against his desperately, compellingly as long arms wrap around his neck tightly. Paul refuses to let him go…. Refuses to let Jacob move away from him…
Jacob doesn't move… he forces himself not to react but then Paul all but sobs against lips and that simple quiet sound shatters his resistance as a house of cards, it rakes at his bleeding heart and leaves him unable even to try to pull away.
"Please Jacob… p-please…"
Jacob just groans, his tongue prying open Paul's lips and delving inside with urgent yearning as he pushes him to lie on the table again, a low growl leaving his lips as hot, alluring thighs wrap around his hips, pulling him closer desperately.
Paul has such immense power over him… the power to make Jacob powerless…
Jacob yields immediately. That's how weak, feeble and pathetic his resistance is. A broken sob and a few breathlessly whispered words are enough to crush his rotten will… Only Paul can do this to him…. Only Paul can break and snap him so easily…