Secret Diary of a Man Whore

Chapter I- Five Dollar me Love you Long Time

The first thing you need to know about me, is that I am a man whore.

Right now, I'm pressed up against Bella, and her body is trembling against me. I tangle my fingers in her corn-silk hair, face pressed against the smooth egg-white of her shoulder. I breathe in a deep breath of her scent.

"Edward!" she whispers, and her voice quivers through those two syllables. "I don't care if you're a vampire. I don't care if this is dangerous. I love you!"

"As I love you," I say, and her eyes flicker downward, a rosy blush on her human cheeks.

"You do?" she squeaks.

"Forever," I murmur, as I approach, her trembling, shaking lips...

BLEEP. THE TIME IS TWELVE O CLOCK.

I pull away nonchalantly, taking out my red contact lenses and popping out my pointed teeth. "See you next week," I say, throwing the words at her as I throw my jacket over my shoulder.

"Wait!" Squeaks Bella. "Please, Edward, wait. Can't I just have five more minutes?"

"Sorry honey, I've got another appointment," I say, patting her hair absently. Sullenly she hands me over the envelope. I check it discreetly; a crisp thousand dollars.

"You're going to see him, aren't you?" she says, bottom lip sticking out, trying to pout me into submission.

I want to tell her that honey, that's my trick, but I'm a professional, so as I sashay out the door I tell her simply, "Sorry. All my clients are confidential." I leave her having a tantrum on the bed, trying to murder a pillow through suffocation, mascara running like a river down her cheeks.

"I know you're going to see him!" she screams. "Edward you bitch I loooooooooooove you!"

Twenty minutes later, "him" aka, Jacob and are I doing it, doggy style.

Jacob is an old client of mine; he's like an old dog who refuses to learn any new tricks, who has that one place he likes scratched. Because week in week out he never gets bored of furry dog suits and being done in the arse by a man in a furry dog suit.

Well, what the customer wants, the customer gets.

"Huff huff HUFF AWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO!" Jacob cries, as he comes.

Once we get our breath back I ask, "How'd you like to try something new, pup? I brought some new toys along..."

"Doggy chew toys?" he asks.

"Well, not quite..."

"Then no," he grunts. "Bend down."

Really! Old dog; old tricks!

So it's back to the furry suits with the easy access detachable butt-hatches (my sister Alice is a genuis) until Jacob gets tired humping my leg and we're lounging under the sheets, having a chat and a fag.

"So Jacob, dear, do tell me about what you've got planned for spring break."

*Grunt* "Kibble." *grunt."

Did I mention that Jacob is an excellent conversationalist?

"You should go." *grunt* "Dad's home."

"Oh! Billy. How is he?"

Actually, I don't need to ask. He's fine. Fine and dandy. I should know; yesterday we did triple penetration.

As I collect my clothes and money Billy winks at me on the way out. "I'll bring the fluffy handcuffs next time," he whispers.

Honestly, what are this generation like! The fathers are more adventureous than the sons!

Ahh, but it's tiring being such a man whore! I decide to meet my brother Jasper for some R & R. He's sitting in the upmarket cafe waiting for me, touching up his mascara. Let me tell you something about him; well, I am very slightly camp, okay okay, alright then; very camp! But my brother Jasper is a total fruit. He's sitting there with his legs crossed, dressed as a Japanese school girl. Everyone's staring at him; he knows they're staring and he loves it. Do you know, whe wanted to be an actor (he pronounces it Ack-TOR) but got told he was too gay for musical theatre. Hah!

I sit down and he says, "You look pooped. Let me get you a double mint choc sundae."

I tell him I don't want a double mint choc sundae, and he raises a plucked eyebrow and tells me everyone wants a double mint choc sundae, and then he orders me one anyway.

My brother is such a bitch!

I look him up and down; "Now let me guess..." I put an inquring finger to my lips, "Eric Yorkie, right?"

"Wrong, wrong, wrong as a roundabout! You've got two more guesses."

"Laurent?"

"Strike! One more and you're out."

"Harry Clearwater?"

"You're crazy! He likes school boys, not school girls."

He pauses, dramatically; Jasper is all about the dramatic pauses. Then he says; "It was Sue Clearwater."

"What! No way."

"I know! I couldn't believe it either!" We giggle, looking just like little schoolgirls; not that Jasper needs any help on that front! The family at the table opposite stares at us. Jasper uncrosses his legs, except his skirt has hitched up with all the laughing and they end up getting a panty shot. The woman starts screaming her head off and we run without paying, shrieking with laughter all the way down the street. We stumble over feather boas and Jasper trips over his sailor suit and we're laughing, laughing, laughing so hard.

"Oh my god!" I scream. "Jasper, you are such a bitch!"

TO BE CONTINUED...