A/N: Well, hello there! This is my third fanfic. I wanted to try my hand at a self-insert story! I have no idea what else to say… don't kill me! . Self-inserts are so cliché, now, but I'll try my hardest to make this one unique; specifically meaning, no "Mary-Sues." Which could possibly fail. Maybe. Possibly…?

I like reviews, but, please, no flames. I don't like meanies! But then, who does?

Thanks!

Disclaimer: Me. No. Own. Resident. Evil. (I has good grammar!)


Chapter One:

Versus + Annoying People who Like to Kick Your Ass = Major Spaz Attack

"Aww, motherfu-"

"Language, Abbey!" my friend said mockingly over the headset.

"Yeah, you don't want your mother hearing that!" my other friend said.

"Screw that!" I hissed. "Stupid Chris killed me again!"

I was playing versus, team survivor, online with my friend, Adrie. My other friend, Amelia, was at her house, watching us play. Adrie and I were on Bravo, and the other two players were on Alpha.

But, damn, they were good.

The one playing as Chris beat my ass so many times I lost count.

A red executioner suddenly grabbed me, and I screamed. I jammed my hand on the left stick, praying that I could slip from his grasp. Too make matters worst, Chris, again, came over and took free shots at me. I watched helplessly as my health drained away.

"NOOOOO, I won't dieeeeeeee!" Sheva, who I was playing as, groaned before falling to the ground, dead.

I could hear my friends laughing. "Abbey," Amelia began, "you do know that the other players can hear you?"

"Yes, thank you," I said through gritted teeth. "I realize that."

Why do I even play versus?

"Just call him Chrissy!" Adrie said. "That'll piss him off."

"He can't possibly be more pissed off than I am right now," I said, rolling my eyes, picking up some ammo.

"Actually," a guy suddenly said. "I'm laughing hysterically right now."

My face paled. "Uh…"

"Oh," Adrie said, realizing who it was. "Are you the guy who's Chris?"

"Yup. Your partner's very amusing," he chuckled.

"Shut it!" I pouted, firing wildly at Chris. His partner, Wesker, snuck up behind me and shot me with a magnum, killing me in seconds.

Dang. I got pwned. Again.

"Did you just die again?" Adrie asked.

"Yes. Yes, I did."

"You sound calmer," the guy who was playing as Chris commented.

"Well-"

I stopped, though, upon noticing one executioner walking up to me. I got out my shotgun, getting ready to shoot it-

And it just froze. Literally, just froze.

I walked my character tentatively up to it, and whistled. The executioner stayed in its pose, one hand reaching out.

I sense a photo op…

"Hey, look!" I said.

"What?" Adrie asked.

"Red executioner is totally frozen! Not moving! I need my camera!"

"Where? Oh, wait, I see you. Gimme a second."

"Hurry! Time's running out. Chris…" I said slowly. "You and your partner- get your butts down here too! Don't pull any tricks, though!"

Chris laughed. "Alright. I think my partner gets the message too."

I laughed too. Wow. Maybe I seem really bipolar right now… but trust me. I'm not.

I did all the commands near the executioner- Go! Come on! Wait! I also whistled relentlessly, just because it's fun. And you know it.

Adrie, who was playing as battle suit Jill showed up, along with Chris and Wesker.

"That is fucking amazing!" Adrie said.

"He hasn't moved yet?" Amelia asked.

"Nope," I said, popping the P on my lips.

"That's a pretty sweet glitch," Chris said. "You can totally see the flames on his axe." I decided to call him Chris because I'm not some creepy stalker who knows his real name. Really… I'm not.

"You can also see… ooh, that's awkward," Amelia said, trailing off.

"Where the hell are his pants?" Adrie half-laughed. "Ugh…"

"Ooh, I'm gonna get my camera!" I said. "Group picture, everyone!"

As I set the controller down, I heard a camera flash behind me. As I started to turn around, I suddenly felt sick. My eyes started to droop, and I collapsed to the ground, and the last thing I heard was the executioner's creepy laughter echoing in my mind…


"I should've seen it coming…"

A man's voice stirred me awake. It sounded strangely familiar. He continued talking, and, the more he did, the more I could swear I knew who he was.

I groaned quietly and jolted up, hitting my head on the roof of-

A car?

My eyes flew open, and sweat popped out on my face as I realized I was in a jeep.

And no, my problem wasn't that I didn't know who's jeep it was.

Problem was, I did know who it belonged to.

"More and more, I find myself wondering if-"

" Uh… who are you talking to?"

The man in the front seat looked back, at me, startled.

My eyes widened, and I resisted an impulse to burst out into laughter.

Chris freaking Redfield.

Of all people to get stuck with, it just had to be him.

Karma's a bitch.

Why couldn't I have gotten stuck with, like, Excella? Then, I could comment all I want about what a whore she is...

Chris looked back at me, and I avoided his gaze by looking at his *cough* steroid muscles. Jesus, his muscles look even bigger up close! Now, I did not think that it was possible.

But then, of course, being in Chris Redfield's car is as impossible as impossible can get.

Chris suddenly said, "Oh, you're finally awake."

"Um…" I said not sure what to say. Okay, I admit, I felt a little intimidated.

I lied.

I feel really intimidated.

"Are you okay?" he asked, turning his attention back on the road.

"I… yeah," I answered, rubbing my head. "Um… where I am?" I asked, perfectly aware where we were.

"Kijuju, Africa," he answered, pausing. "Question is, why are you here?"

I paled slightly. With difficulty, I said, "Well… I mean, I'm not entirely sure…"

"I found you unconscious on the side of the road," he said, turning a corner. My heart started to beat faster as I realized we were entering what I called "the place near Public Assembly".

Or, even, maybe, "the place Sheva gets her ass groped by a perv".

"Unconscious?" I asked stupidly.

"Yeah. You were okay, though, no injuries."

"Oh, well… thanks," I said, bowing my head, flushing slightly.

"You're welcome," Chris said, smiling slightly.

I looked out the window, not sure what else to say. A man watched from behind a barbed wire fence, and my mind raced as I remembered the opening of Resident Evil 5. The man watched us warily, and I shuddered involuntarily. In the actual opening, Chris would be doing an over voice. However, I kind of interrupted that, and now the jeep was filled with deep silence.

A woman holding a basket on her head passed us, and I knew that we would stop soon. As I expected, a few seconds later, the jeep screeched to a halt.

"This is where we stop," Chris said in his deep voice.

I nodded silently, opening the door. I stepped out, shielding my eyes from the sunlight. I looked around at the pathetic situation; the buildings were crumbling down, the people looked worn down, and the atmosphere itself was sad.

A man eyed me with interest as he passed by, and I looked at him from underneath my bangs. He swung a very lethal-looking axe.

I jumped slightly as someone placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

I relaxed as I saw Chris. "Yeah," I said nervously. How ironic! I thought RE5 was fun.

So, why the hell am I already freaked out?

Chris rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, we didn't really introduce ourselves, right? I'm Chris Redfield," he said.

"Um, my name's Abbey," I said, trying not to think on how much I knew about him, and how stalkerish I felt at the moment.

Chris turned away and opened the trunk of his car, digging around for his things.

I tensed up, realizing that I would be hearing someone walk toward us in five, four, three, two, one-

Aaaaand… cue that ass!

Joking.

I almost grinned when I saw Sheva. My second favorite female RE character. (She comes close second to Rebecca.) Honestly, all her haters tick me off. Give Sheva some love, you haters!

She walked gracefully over to us, nodding her head in acknowledgment to me in politeness. I nodded back, looking away.

"Welcome to Africa," Sheva said in her distinct accent. Chris turned around, and Sheva gave him a little smile. "Sheva Alomar. I'll be accompanying you on this mission." She extended her hand.

Chris shook it, saying, "Chris Redfield."

"It's an honor, Mr. Redfield."

"Chris is fine, thanks," he said, laughing. "So, you'll be coming with me to the destination?"

"Of course," she answered, then looked back at me. She turned to Chris, asking, "Is she with you?"

Chris scratched his head. "Yeah. I found her just knocked out."

"What is she doing here? Here, Kijuju, of all places?"

"I have no idea."

"She couldn't tell you anything?"

"No. I think she might have minor memory loss. She seems fine other than that though…"

Their voices became hushed whispers and I bristled slightly. I was right here. They could talk to me. I knew things they wouldn't know for awhile.

And yet, I couldn't tell them.

Sheva finally turned to me. "Well, Abbey," she began. "Chris and I are on an important mission. But, we're calling for a chopper to pick you up and bring you home, wherever that is." She smiled, and I couldn't help but feel a little better.

"We're bringing you to a, well, acquaintance of ours," Chris said. "He won't mind you." I started to ask what he meant, when I realized it was probably the weapons dealer in the butcher's shop. He meant that the butcher wouldn't mind that I wasn't African, unlike the inhabitants here.

I nodded. "Thank you." Still, I couldn't help but feel as if I was being a nuisance, which, I probably was, since if I wasn't here, Chris and Sheva could be on their happy way.

"Of course," Sheva said. "We can't just leave you unguarded." She turned to Chris. "Are you ready?"

Chris nodded, hesitating. "Yeah… partner," he said, as if he had diarrhea.

Totally joking.

I knew what was wrong, and I couldn't help feel bad for him as I knew he was remembering Jill. Oh, God, how I wanted to reassure that she was fine, that she was alive, and how ugly blonde looked on her.

Just saying.

Sheva looked back at us. "You okay?"

Chris looked at her, slightly startled. "Yeah, sorry." He started walking, shaking his head. I followed obediently, and listened as Sheva told Chris about the disasters and blah, blah, blah.

We reached the gate, and I panicked as I realized I knew the guard, who just happened to be a big pervert.

Sheva motioned for us to stop, and I freaked out even more. Hell, I don't even know why I'm freaking out. It's not like he raped her…

Still, I felt uncomfortable as she walked forward, the guard looking at her with interest. His hands reached out, and I totally spazzed-

"PEEEEEEERVERT!"

Everyone turned to look at me, and I blushed furiously. This is so not like me…

The pervert looked at me, cocking his head slightly, and his very deadly AK-47. Sheva calmed him, showing him her card.

The guard grunted his approval, and stepped aside. He glared at me and Chris, as if to say 'You interrupted something, bitch.'

Right back at you, pal.

We passed through the gate safely, and I blew out my breath.

"Are you alright, Abbey?" Sheva asked carefully.

"Y-yeah," I stuttered. You better all be thankful. I just saved you all from a very awkward moment. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Chris.

We walked forward, and I felt slight nostalgia. We neared the placed where there was that circle of guys who were playing footsies with a large sack. Curious, I stepped forward, wanting to know what, or who exactly was in the sack. Chris urged me forward, however, and I pouted slightly.

We hurried past them, and as we neared the butcher's shop, were heard radio static, and a guy shouting in African. I saw Sheva tense, and I immediately thought of the close-up of her eyes in the cut-scene, and then the zooming out to show the whole place was suddenly deserted.

We whirled around, and, guess what?

No one was there. What a surprise.

The pair kept walking, and I followed, feeling like a puppy.

We reached the butcher's shop, and they started to go through the front, when I suddenly said, "Here. Through the side." Chris and Sheva looked at me, and I realized I said something I probably shouldn't have. I put a hand to my mouth, grinning awkwardly. "Um, I mean, let's go through the front, of course!"

"No," Chris said, shaking his head. "You're right. Let's try the side first." He strode by me, whispered something quick to Sheva, and opened the side door. Sheva and I filed in, along with Chris. I could feel Sheva's gaze on me, and I felt stupid. I need to bite my tongue before anything else slips out.

And there stood the RE5 version of the merchant, a sad fellow who's name I still don't know.

The butcher said gruffly, "You've brought an extra."

Chris answered, "We had no choice."

What am I, dead weight?

Chris continued, "Kirk and the others are making a pit stop here for her. We just need you to watch her until then."

The butcher nodded brusquely. "You three, this way."

We followed him into another room, and I tried not to vomit as the smell of rotting meat hit my nostrils. I sucked in my gut and tried not to look around as the butcher pulled out two attaché cases.

"Your guns," he merely said.

Chris and Sheva said their thanks and opened the cases, each retrieving their respective guns. They suited up, and the butcher looked at them seriously. "What do you know about Uroboros?"

Ooh! Pick me!

Chris shrugged. "Nothing much. Only rumors."

"It isn't a rumor," the butcher corrected, shaking his head.

"You can't be serious!" Sheva exclaimed.

"We aren't entirely sure at this moment," the butcher began, "and our only lead is Ricardo Irving."

"Alright," Chris said.

"The town square's up ahead, correct?" Sheva asked.

Public Assembly! Sorry, I had to.

The butcher nodded. Sheva turned to me. "Good luck, Abbey."

"Keep the luck to yourselves," I said grimly. "You'll need it more than me."

Chris eyed me strangely again. He exchanged a quick glance with Sheva, then said, "Sure. Thanks." They walked away, and I felt a big whoosh of sadness well up inside me. I wanted to stay with them a little longer…

Sighing, I turned around. The butcher studied me. "Are you alright, little girl?"

"Fine," I snapped. My cheeks flared up as I apologized.

The butcher looked once more at me, then walked toward the door. "Stay here, for a moment. I'll be right back." He opened the door and slipped out.

I stood there, feeling very much alone.

"Well, so much for my adventure," I half-heartedly laughed. "I didn't even get to meet the Excella, Jill, Wesker… hell, even the executioner-" I stopped, my face draining of color as I realized whose execution Chris and Sheva interrupted in the town square.

"Um! Butcher!" I yelled, not sure what else to call him. I rushed outside, hoping it wasn't too late-

A group of townspeople circled the poor butcher, who was on the ground, writhing in pain. At the center, the guy with the loudspeaker stood, shouting out orders.

One of them turned around, noticing me. He yelled something in Majini and rushed me. I somehow found myself back inside the butcher's shop, and I put my back against the pounding door, breathing heavily. I couldn't move, or else they'd get in-

"Here!" Someone rushed forward, barring the door with a long pole. He breathed heavily, his brown hair matting his face. He looked at me, his face unfamiliar. "Are you okay?"

Oh!

His voice!

That aggravating voice I heard while playing versus-

"Oh, shit."


There! Hoped you guys liked it. By the way, the part with the red executioner, in the beginning, when he froze, actually did happen. My friends and I found that extremely amusing. :D