Pairing: Hermione G. / Charlie W.
Notes: Oneshot, AU, Post-Hogwarts
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. Never was, never will.
Summary: Oneshot. "Oh, Charlie. It's so big."
"There's nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head."
- Thornton Wilder
It was a few days after Christmas and twelve people were currently scattered around the Burrow's living room, paired up with their respective lovers. That is, except for Charlie and Hermione, who were the only remaining single people in the room. They were all lounging around nursing cups of eggnog, having shooed Mr. and Mrs. Weasley away for a much deserved date two hours ago when things suddenly got interesting.
"Hermione, can you come with me?" Charlie asked as he stood up from the couch. "I want to show you something upstairs," He extended a hand for Hermione to take.
All the other occupants of the room watched them with curious eyes as they left the room. They heard a distinctive sound somewhere above that told them a door had been closed.
"Seems like Charlie brought Hermione to our old bedroom," Bill commented.
"So..." George began, a mischievous smirk present on his lips. "Anyone want to listen in on them?"
His right hand disappeared into one of the pockets of his robe and emerged holding onto a long flesh coloured piece of string.
"Extendable Ears," Ginny recognized the device as her lips mirrored her brother's mischievous smirk.
"You carry one around in your pockets?" Audrey, the latest girlfriend of Percy asked with a raised eyebrow.
"But of course! Why shouldn't I?" George asked while sending Audrey a look that plainly said he thought of her as crazy for even asking. "They're quite perfect for times such as this."
Angelina patted Audrey's shoulder before stage-whispering, "You'll get used to him soon. Merlin knows it took me a long time too."
"Har har, Angelina. Quite a riot, you are," George said in a deadpan before continuing. "Anyway, I've done a little experimenting on this one by making it compatible with the Sonorus Charm so a whole room can hear clearly on the listening end. Also, another charm ensures that the sound doesn't leave the room where the people are eavesdropping."
Before anyone could say anything else, George had slipped out of the room and returned before a minute was up. He placed the end of the Extendable Ears on the table they were all gathered around before brandishing his wand and pointing at it.
A noise not unlike that emitted by a radio being tuned made itself heard. After a few seconds of hearing something that sounded like static, Hermione's voice rang loud and clear in the living room.
"Oh, Charlie. It's so big."
All heads in the living room perked up as they tried to interpret what exactly was "so big."
"What are they talki–" Harry started to ask only to have his voice drowned out by Hermione.
"Can I touch it?" Hermione asked in a breathless voice.
"Anytime you want, 'Mione," came Charlie's reply. "Because it's all yours."
Ginny's eyes bulged out as if they were about to pop out of their sockets sometime soon.
By this point, Hermione apparently hadn't made any attempt at touching it – whatever it was – because Charlie suddenly beckoned, "Don't be afraid, 'Mione. It won't bite."
"Now there's a trick," George said while guffawing.
Everyone in the room by now had at least some amount of blush gracing their features. Bill, it seemed, felt the most uncomfortable listening in to Hermione and Charlie because he tried to dissuade everyone from eavesdropping.
"Guys, don't you think we should give them some priv–"
All the other people in the room including his wife shushed him.
They suddenly heard Hermione purr in contentment as she commented, "It's so firm and warm."
"I knew you'd like it," Charlie said. Everyone in the living room could imagine a smug look in Charlie's face as he said so.
"I don't like it, Charlie," Hermione teased.
"I love it."
"Good to know."
"I never thought Charlie had it in him to get himself a bird," Percy mumbled. If his face was any indication, he was thoroughly amazed. "I always thought he was going to end up marrying a dragon or something similar of the sort."
Hermione's voice started to echo around the living room again.
"Why did you have to show it to me upstairs?" She inquired.
"Are you kidding?" Charlie snorted. "If I showed this to that lot downstairs, all of the other girls except for Ginny would want some time with this bad boy."
"I wouldn't mind taking a gander..." Angelina mumbled.
George did not look amused.
"Besides, this was specially made for you, 'Mione."
Ron started coughing as he heard this. Luna absent-mindedly gave her boyfriend a glass of water.
"I can see that," Hermione agreed. "Can I taste it now?"
Ron sprayed out the water he was drinking and drenched Harry on his back. He didn't appear to notice.
"That's why we're here."
"But the size, Charlie. It's huge," The awe in Hermione's voice did not escape the attention of anyone in the living room. "It won't exactly fit inside my mouth all at once."
"You have to lick it first, you see," Charlie explained. "That would get a hidden treat inside to come out."
"Is it delicious?"
"Without a doubt."
Everyone heard the front door open as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's voices flooded the burrow.
"Bill? Charlie? Fleur? Where is everyone?" Mrs. Weasley called out.
Nine pairs of eyes flashed to George as the Extendable Ears still continued to emit the conversation between Hermione and Charlie. George pulled out his wand, pointed it at the Extendable Ears and said, "Quietus." He ran off to get rid of the evidence.
Everyone else tried to act non-nonchalantly as both Weasley parents walked into the living room.
A dragon shaped chocolate figure the size of about five large fists combined was hovering with the help of a charm before Charlie and Hermione. The packaging that it came wrapped in was thrown aside and its cover had gleaming golden letters that said:
Romanian Longhorn Dragon Dark Chocolate Sculpture.
Custom made by the best chocolate confectioners in the world, all the while utilizing the finest cocoa grown in Côte d'Ivoire. Though charmed to maintain a consistent warm temperature, this masterpiece will never melt unless eaten. It also boasts a hefty rich caramel filling inside. A perfect gift for any occasion.
"So, Hermione," Charlie started as the tips of his ears went pink. "I know I'm probably too old for you and all but... Would you maybe want to consider going out with me sometime?"
"Yes, Charlie," Hermione answered, giggling due to the fact that the muscular dragon tamer seemed to grow more nervous with each passing second. "I'd love to go out with you."
"That's great," Charlie gave her a lopsided grin before reaching for her hand. "Anyway, we should head downstairs. I think my parents are back."
Hermione felt his calloused hand go over her own as she commented, "I think I'll ask Molly if I can stay for the next few days, probably in Ginny's room. It's real good that she's not too fond of dark chocolate. I don't think I'd want to share."
It's quite short and a whole lot silly but plot bunnies simply demand to be written. *grins* Hopefully you all had a little laugh with this fic. I'm sure most of you (if not all) didn't think it was something horrendously obscene to begin with but I hope you guys enjoyed my take on the "it's not what it seems" theme.
Thank you for reading.
And of course, reviews will be very much appreciated.