Disclaimer: The Glee characters belong to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk, the PSA on which this is based belongs to the brilliant guys at RoosterTeeth, and Daniel Lawson belongs to Gone Rampant while Dylan Armstrong belongs to Cola-Flavoured Sherbert and Mitchell Mason belongs to ZeroBen.
"Are you two ready?" Artie Abrams asked.
"Born ready, my Padawan learner," the familiar voice of Noah Puckerman, better known to his friends and enemies as Puck.
The camera activated in the music room, a brunette teenager standing in front of it. He was joined by a well-built teenager with a Mohawk.
"Hello," the first teen said, "I'm Daniel Lawson from the McKinley High glee club: New Directions."
"And I'm Puck from the same club," Puck said. "That's all you need to know."
"You know," Daniel lectured, "this is a time of year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to."
Puck nodded. "And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers."
"We're talking, of course," Daniel took over again, "about going to the movies." He raised his hand as a thought came to mind. "Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club."
"I hear ya'," Puck said before turning back to the camera. "Unfortunately, movie-going manners aren't quite what they used to be."
"Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home," Daniel explained. "And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross."
"So," Puck interjected, "we thought it would be a good idea to remind everybody of some common movie-going mistakes to avoid."
000000 Situation 1: Talking during the movie 000000
The scene changed to a movie theater, Rachel holding the camera on her friends. She was surprised that they were getting away with this. But, then again, being friends with Jack Harmon meant that the right palms were being greased.
She focused the camera on the screen as the trailers to the upcoming movies began.
"Okay, everyone, go," she said into her earpiece.
"Previews?" an enraged Lauren snapped. "What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!"
"Shut up!" everyone in the theater save for Brittany yelled.
"C'mon, shh," Brittany pleaded.
The words "Silence is Golden" came blazing across the theater's massive screen.
"Silence is golden?" Lauren's shouts seemed to be even louder than before. "Ain't there any dialogue in this picture?" She snorted angrily. "That's okay, I got my own soundtrack:" she cleared her throat. "This sucks! Zing!"
"No, you suck!" Tina screamed from the back of the theater.
Sitting next to Tina, Mike added his two cents. "This isn't open-mic night!"
Still, Lauren would not let the complaints of the viewers silent her, "I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!"
The wrestler laughed obnoxiously, making everyone in the theater angrier than they already were.
"Why don't you go kill yourself?" Blaine snarled from the front of the room,
000000 Situation 2: Going to the Bathroom 000000
As the movie played on, Brittany leapt to her feet.
"Excuse me, excuse me" the tall blonde said politely, obscuring the view of those behind her. "I have to go to the bathroom. Again.
"Get out of my way, I can't see!" Sam Evans demanded.
Brittany turned to the blonde teen. "It's not my fault the small drink is 164 ounces!" she argued.
000000 Later… 000000
"Uh oh," Brittany got to her feet again, pushing her way through the aisle again. "Emergency! Emergency!"
"Shut up!" Finn normally had a lot of patients for people that had to go really bad, but this was ridiculous.
"Sit down, retard!" Lauren said, not even flinching when Santana threw a right hand at her.
Jack voiced his annoyance next. "Sit down and shut up!"
"Don't yell at me!" Brittany cried. "I have a nervous bladder!" She was about to start walking when something stopped her. "Oh boy," she sighed sheepishly. "It's okay, I don't have to go anymore."
"Oh, gross," Kurt said, pulling his feet up onto his chair.
Brittany sat back next to Santana, turning to her friend and speaking, "I'm thirsty again."
000000 Situation 3: Cell phone abuse 000000
The sounds of a cell phone ringing full blast had worked on Dylan Armstrong's last nerves.
"Hang up the fucking phone!" his patience was on the last limb on a burning tree.
"Turn that off!" was Finn's commented.
Santana stood up. "God, chill out everybody," she yelled, "I have to take this! It could be incredibly important!" She accepted the call. "Yo, what up, fool?"
"Can it!" Dylan said loudly.
"Oh, nothing," Santana said into the receiver. "Whatcha doing?"
"Pipe down," Jack shouted.
Santana ignored him. "Aw, no way! I'm watching that movie right now too!"
Dylan tried again. "Shut up!"
"Oh snap," Santana said happily, "we're in the same theater!"
Kurt stood up on the chairs. "What's up, girl?" he asked happily, ignoring the rest of the gang.
"What's up, dawg?" Santana said to her friend. "God, doesn't this movie suck?" Kurt nodded in agreement. "All the people in here are assholes!"
000000 Situation 4: Annoying kids 000000
"Honk, honk, blarg, eh!" the Giardi triplets, the demon nephews of Mr. Schuester's ex-wife, rambled nonsensically.
"Shut that kid up!" Blaine commanded.
Kendra launched a counterattack with an equally firey, "Don't tell me how to raise my children!"
"I hate babies," Brittany said randomly.
The triplets continued honking and blarging.
"Oh come on," Blaine had had enough, "take those little brats to the lobby!"
Kendra glared at the curly-haired singer. "All right, that's it. Get him, boys!"
The triplets dove through the air, tackling Blaine to the floor.
The sounds of violence far too graphic to describe could be heard in the front of the theater. Rachel panned the camera up, focusing on Kurt, who had leapt aside.
"I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie," he said, a cracking, tearing sound filling the room. "Ew, an NC-17 action movie!"
"OH GOD, MY SPINE!" Blaine shrieked. "Put it back in, put it back in!"
The scene returned to music room with Puck and Daniel looking at each other, perturbed expressions on their face. Hopefully, Blaine was okay. And they never met those evil ginger children of Beelzebub
"So," Puck said, "there you have it. Just avoid a few simple mistakes and you'll have a fun and safe time at the movies."
"Hey, can we wrap this up?" Daniel asked. "I gotta get to a movie in a few minutes and I need to get a new tape for my video camera."
Puck folded his arms, almost disappointed at Daniel's plans. "You're going to video tape the movie?"
"Yeah, so?" Daniel asked, mimicking Puck's actions.
"Man, you gotta go digital," Puck suggested. "You'll get a much better copy for the black market."
Daniel patted Puck on the back. "Oh, good idea, man. Thanks. You know," Daniel mentioned, "I just hope no one makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry."
"Yeah, there ought to be a law. Criminals."
Both of them seemed to miss the hypocrisy of their comments as Artie turned the camera to himself.
"I get it, Rachel," he groaned. "We have got to stop trying to do these things."
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed reading this story. It was a lot of fun write and, not surprisingly, pretty easy, so I hope it is equally fun and easy to read.
I think I'm going to do the Red vs. Blue Sees Green next, so, uh, hands off everyone.