Disclaimer: Portal and all related characters belong to Valve. 2001: A Space Odyssey belongs to Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick. This fanfic was written by me for fun.
Why do I care?
I shouldn't be giving a single solitary damn right now. Yet, I do. And, for what? A traitorous idiot who nearly got me killed, nearly got himself killed, and nearly destroyed a whole insanely huge laboratory all because he went mad with power.
Again, why do I care?
I thought I was free from Aperture. Free from portals. Free from testing. Free from...Her. Free from turrets speaking in childish voices, from personality cores, from all the madness.
I was strating to live a normal life. I now had a job at a diner, an actual apartment to live in, real human friends. Things any regular person would want in their lives.
Then...He showed up.
I didn't recognize him at first. But, that voice gave it all away. That accent. The nervous laugh. The way he stupidly thought his idiotic plan to not be recognized by using a bad French accent would work.
It was him. That moron. That...monster. That traitor. I've never been so pissed in my life. Just when I thought I was finally free of Aperture, He had to show up.
Though, for the life of me I don't know how or why he's in a human body. Nor do I really want to know. I'd rather not get involved in one of Her deranged schemes once again.
I decided to have him stay at the apartment with me. It was the only way I figured to keep him out of trouble. Considering how dense he is, the last thing I needed was for him to cause endless trouble for everyone due to his own incompetence.
In retrospect, perhaps I should've just tried to launch him into space again.
He was surprisingly obedient to my orders. I figured he was trying desperately to make up for what he had done to me. It wouldn't work. Nothing would make me forgive that monster. The first thing I had him do was to get into a shower. Mostly because he smelled like manure, sweat, and Lord knows what else from wandering those fields for hours.
Idiot thought it was a good idea to just approach me in the buff and ask where some clothes were. Considering my two roomates are both woman, as am I, we saw more of him than any of us would ever want to. It took me a few minutes to get him to cover himself up, and to get him a change of clothes...which he hasn't quite gotten the full hang of wearing properly.
Then, I decided to leave him alone for just an hour so I could go out to dinner with my friends. I regetted making a mistake as stupid as anything he would. When I came back, he ate everything.
And, I do mean everything.
Somehow, that moron made himself sick from overeating and somehow managed to gain 30 pounds in such a short amount of time. How? How is it possible for someone to put on that much weight that quickly? Regardless, I ended up spending most of the night holding him over a toilet so he could spew his guts. He deserved the sickness he got. Serves him right for being a glutton.
Still, he was...No, no. He is not cute. He was never cute. He's a traitorous monster. Even if he looked far less nerdy without his glasses.
The next morning I took him out shopping for new clothes. He already needs them mostly for two reasons. One, because he can't wear the same outfit all the time. Two, because he's already growing too fat for his current outfit. It took us a while to get ready, mostly because he thought he was going blind when he only lost his glasses...and he is too dense to figure out how a seatbelt works.
The traitorous moron and I then headed to one of those Big-N-Tall stores. It was the only place I figured that would have clothes that would fit him. After all, even if he wasn't fat, he still towered over me. Amazing how easily I can overpower him. He's like an overgrown child. It's almost endearing. No, wait, it's not. What am I thinking?
He nearly stripped to his undies in the middle of the store before the salesperson showed him to the dressing rooms. Ok, I admit, that was pretty funny.
Now, after all of that, after the shopping, my roomates want us to go see the movies. I wasn't so sure, but, they talked me into it. I just hoped I could keep Him out of trouble.
The movie that was playing was 2001: A Space Odyssey. Not bad, but not great either. Mostly dull. At times I found myself losing focus on the film itself and looking at the audience around me. Already that idiotic monster ate all the popcorn...Twice in a row. Where does he put it all?
The movie is now at the part with HAL. Odd, he...he seems uncomfortable. I don't get why. It's just a movie. Did it scare him? He is pretty cowardly. What...now he's leaving? Where is that moron going?
He looked pretty sick, though. Must be from eating all of that popcorn. Again, serves him right for being a glutton. Still, I probably should go check on him. Well, here goes nothing...
Dammit, why do I care!
Author's Notes: Hope you guys enjoyed this little one-shot fic. Also, (A la Professor Farnsworth) GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I am considering writing a sequel to Test Of Humanity. I'm currently in the planning stages, though as well as working on other things. So, be patient.