A/N: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.
Sorry it's taken forever to get this chapter out! I decided to concentrate on some of my other stories and before I knew it, months had flown by.
Warning: This chapter contains drug use and some uncomfortable situations.
Every day I'm a star in the city
Walk the streets like a wanted man
All the time got my shine lookin' pretty
Motherfuckers all know who I am
In the City
Jasper stayed in the hospital another three days before he was released. Even though his parents were present and offered to help Jasper get settled at home, I insisted that I take care of him. I was met with equally curious and confused looks, but I needed to be near Jasper and prove to him that I'm worthy of his love.
I completely understood why Charlotte and Peter may have been leery about me suddenly proclaiming that I, someone who had been M.I.A. for almost a year and treated their son like shit for a year before that, was going to care for him better than they could. But I was back, both physically and emotionally, and nothing, save him telling me to go, was going to make me leave Jasper's side. I now had a second chance, and I wasn't going to fuck it up again.
As Jasper and Peter were collecting the last of Jasper's things and waiting for the nurse to arrive with his wheelchair, I pulled Charlotte aside.
"Um, may I speak to you for a second in private?"
Looking up at me with those warm, blue eyes that had been passed down to her son, she nodded her head and followed me out of the room.
"What's wrong, Edward?"
"I, uh…I just want to let you know that you don't have to worry about Jasper. I plan on taking good care of him."
"There was never any doubt that you would," she said, smiling.
"Given our history and had badly I screwed things up before, I understand if you're nervous about me being back in Jasper's life."
"Well, I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit nervous."
I looked down at the ground as waves of guilt and pain barreled through me.
"I'll never forgive myself for how I treated him," I whispered.
"Hush now," Charlotte said while grabbing my hand. "I know things were rough between you two and that you made some bad mistakes in the past, but from what your parents told me, you've been doing well with your recovery and rebuilding your life. Don't underestimate yourself, sweetie."
"But all of that means nothing if I don't have Jasper by my side."
"Well, that's something you and my son will have to work out on your own. I have a feeling Jasper's already forgiven you. The question is can you forgive yourself?"
I took in her words as I lifted my gaze to the woman who gave Jasper life.
"I don't know. I was an asshole. Pardon my language."
Charlotte just smiled. One thing I did remember after all these years with Jasper was that he rarely cursed in front of a lady and especially his mother. However, there just wasn't a nice way to describe my behavior.
"Honey, that's all in the past. What matters now is that you've learned from your mistakes. As long as you don't continue to make the same ones, you'll be fine. In these last few days, I've seen a change in you."
"Really," I asked, surprised.
"Yes. You're the nice young man my son originally fell in love with, not the arrogant person he turned into two years ago."
Arrogant was right and she didn't even see half of it. When I discovered my drug of choice, cocaine, my life turned upside down. When I was on it, I felt invincible, like I could do no wrong and everyone could go fuck themselves if they thought differently. The truly ugly side of me came out when the white powder was gone, and I was down on my hands and knees literally licking whatever surface I had used for my lines.
Shit, I was so stupid.
I don't know why I thought Jasper wouldn't notice the change in me. He knew me better than anyone and was always so observant. I was hanging out with some friends one night when I was introduced to Mike. He seemed like a nice enough guy at the time, but he was definitely a partier. He could drink all of us under the table and seemed to have endless energy. Now I knew why.
Jasper wasn't around the night Mike offered me my first hit. I often wonder how things may have turned out if I'd had Jasper there to tell me what I dumbass I was being.
"Hey, Edward, you want to try some?"
I looked down at Mike's hand which contained a smile vial of the white powder that would become my best friend and lover for the next year of my life.
"I don't know, man. I don't do that stuff."
"Come on. It's just a little bit. You won't get addicted if you use it moderation. Besides, sex on this shit is amazing!"
That perked my ears right up. Jasper and I had a pretty healthy sex life, but if I could improve that experience for the both us? Hell yeah!
Looking at Mike, I nodded my head.
"Okay, but just a little. If Jasper finds out about this, he'll kill me."
"Don't worry, Edward. Everything will be fine. I'm sure Jasper will be thanking you."
Since I had no idea what I was doing, Mike had to demonstrate everything for me. He methodically poured a small amount of the powder onto a small mirror he carried with him and cut it into perfectly straight lines. He then rolled dollar bill, put it up to a nostril and proceeded to inhale the substance. He quickly lifted and tilted his head back to allow gravity to help the drug on its way down and ensure nothing escaped.
"See," he said, sniffing repeatedly. "Nothing to it. Now you try."
He made it look so easy, so I took out my own dollar, rolled it just like Mike's and slowly lowered my head to the mirror. A small voice in the back of my head told me to get the hell out there, but I just wanted to let loose and have some fun. Plus, I'd be going home to my sexy as hell boyfriend and have the wonderful pleasure of fucking his brains out. It was a win-win situation.
Placing the small cylindrical tube in my nostril, I hesitated for another moment.
"Just do it fast, Edward. It won't bite you."
And that's exactly what I did. Inhaling quickly, I picked up the white powder and felt it hit the back of my throat. Imitating Mike, I lifted my head and tilted it back. My eyes began to water, causing me to blink rapidly, and my nose started running. I swallowed a few times and noticed the faint numbness in the back of my throat. As the drug began to work its way into my system, I suddenly had moment of startling clarity. Everything seemed brighter…crisper…sharper. I felt like Bradley Cooper's character in the movie Limitless. My world suddenly came into focus, changing from plain black and white to shocking color. I could do no wrong and no one could touch me.
It was in that one moment that my life was changed and officially became fucked up. I just didn't know it yet.
Returning home later that night, I practically pounced on Jasper. Prior to leaving Mike, I managed to take about five more hits, so my mind was running at a hundred miles an hour and I wanted to ravage my boyfriend. Mike said sex was amazing on this stuff, so I intended to find out.
As I kissed Jasper, biting his lips and roughly running my hands through his hair, he laughed nervously, pulled back and said, "What's gotten into you?"
"Nothing," I half moaned and half whispered. "I want to fuck you…hard."
His eyes widened and seemed to darken with the dilation of his pupils. I pulled him in for a rough kiss, devouring him in an effort to get even closer. My hands quickly pulled his shirt over his head, breaking apart our connection for only the briefest of moments. My tongue literally dove into his mouth as I caressed every surface I could reach.
Moans filled the room, and I felt like I was about to explode. Jasper kept making moves to slow things down a bit, but I was having none of that. Mike was right. Every touch, every breath, every kiss was magnified and it felt fucking incredible.
Pulling away slightly, I almost violently unbuttoned Jasper's jeans and pulled them down, grabbing his boxers in the process. Falling to my knees ungracefully, I took Jasper's hard cock into my mouth and sucked for all it was worth. Jasper seemed to be warring with himself. Something was going through his mind, but I was too focused on his cock in my mouth to care. One minute, he would push me away and I thought he was going to tell me to stop, but then he suddenly run his hands through my hair and gently pull me back. I didn't have time to figure out what was going on. I just wanted to fuck his brains out, and I needed him to come so I could enjoy this thorough fucking.
"Mmmm….uh….fuck….Edward," Jasper screamed as I pulled him deep into my throat as he exploded and filled my mouth and throat with his cum.
Moaning, I pulled off of his dick and made a show of wiping my mouth with the back of my hand while smiling smugly. Jasper was too blissed out to even know what hit him. I quickly pushed him down on the bed. Grabbing the lube and a condom from the nightstand, I got to work preparing him. We often switched back and forth, but tonight, I wanted to claim him in the most primal of ways.
I quickly slipped one, two and finally three fingers inside of Jasper's body, eagerly stretching him for me. He grunted and whimpered occasionally, but I just interpreted it as sounds of pleasure and surprise. Spreading a good amount of lube on my cock, I lined myself up and pushed forward. Jasper clenched his jaw and took a deep breath through his nose, which for some weird reason, turned me on even more. Not giving him much time to adjust, I began to pump in and out of him, snapping my hips and moaning at the sound of our skin slapping.
Feeling as though I was having an out-of-body experience, I thrust my hips at a feverish pace.
"Yeah, you like that don't you, Jasper? You love my big cock claiming your ass." I whispered next to his ear.
He remained silent, only releasing a few grunts here and there. In my cocaine haze, I convinced myself that he was enjoying this just as much as I was. I continued to chase my release until finally all of my muscles tensed and screamed out. Collapsing on top of Jasper, I struggled to catch my breath and will my already frantic heartbeat to slow down.
Pulling out of him, I faintly heard Jasper hiss as I made my way to the bathroom to quickly clean up. When I returned to the bedroom, Jasper was silent. I laid down next to him and intended on wrapping my arm around him and telling him I loved him, but he suddenly stood up and walked to the bathroom, limping slightly.
"You okay," I called out only to be met with silence.
I figured I'd just wait until he came back to talk to him.
I tried to stay awake.
I wanted to stay awake.
I had every intention of staying awake.
As my eyes slid closed and my body relaxed, I told myself I'd talk to Jasper in the morning.
Waking from one of the deepest sleeps I'd ever had, I opened my eyes to see our bedroom illuminated with a warm yellow glow from the sun. Reaching over to Jasper's side of the bed, I quickly noticed that he wasn't there. I also noticed small spots of dark red on the sheets. A feeling of dread coursed through me as I quickly got out of bed, put on some pajama bottoms and headed out to the kitchen.
It was even brighter out here and I had to shield my eyes from the blaring sunlight. Walking into the living room, I saw Jasper curled up and lying on his side, his face practically pressed against the back of the couch.
What the hell is he doing out here? Did he never come back to bed last night?
I kneeled next to him and gently tried to awaken him.
"Jasper," I whispered. "Jasper, wake up."
His eyes opened slowly and blinked a few times.
"Why are you sleeping out here?"
He turned his head and looked at me as if I were a stranger.
"I..I couldn't sleep, so I came out here for a while," he murmured.
"Are you okay?"
He stared at me for a few moments, making me uncomfortable under his intense gaze. Standing abruptly, he winced and slowly walked into the kitchen with me following closely behind.
"You're in pain."
His head whipped around and he stared at me so hard that if looks could kill, I would have been stricken dead in 2.3 seconds.
"Jasper," I started, but he held his hand up to silence me.
"I don't know what came over you last night, Edward, but you scared the hell out of me. I kept telling you to stop, but..but you wouldn't."
My heart broke as I watched his chin tremble and his eyes avert to the floor.
"You've never been like that with me before. No matter what I did, I couldn't get you to stop. I even said you were hurting me, but you just kept fucking me."
Tears filled his eyes and I took a step forward to try to comfort him, but he flinched and took a step back.
"Jasper, I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize."
"I'm not surprised. You seemed to be in your own world last night. Everything was okay until you started prepping me. It's like something snapped and you became this other person…a person I don't ever want to see again."
I felt sick to my stomach. I'd actually hurt Jasper last night and didn't even know it? He said that he asked me to stop, but I don't remember anything of the sort.
Oh my god. It had to have been the coke. I'm never doing that shit again.
"Jasper, I'm so sorry. I must have had too much to drink last night. It'll never happen again. I hate myself for hurting you like that."
He stared blankly as I spoke. I couldn't help but think, as I looked into his sad, vacant eyes, that a piece of Jasper's spirit died. He was always so happy, positive and smiling. Now he looked remorseful, pained and broken.
Taking a deep breath, he said, "I'm going to go take a bath before I make some phone calls and try to schedule an appointment."
"An appointment for what?"
"I'm just going to go to the doctor to make sure everything's…okay."
For some who stood 6'3", he looked so small and childlike standing before me.
"Would you like me to come with you? I'll take the day off."
He shook his head furiously. "No, I'll go by myself."
"Are you sure?"
He nodded his head, turned and walked slowly to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Tears that I had been holding back sprang free and slid down my cheeks.
I hurt him!
I can't believe I fucking hurt him like that and now he has to go the doctor!
He'll never let me touch him again, but I don't blame him. I wouldn't want an animal to touch me either.
Please forgive me, Jasper.
The next few weeks were filled with me trying to regain Jasper's trust and subsequently falling deeper and deeper into depression when he didn't immediately jump into my arms, forgive and forget. Fortunately, his injuries weren't too bad and didn't leave any permanent scars….physically. Emotionally, he was very leery of me and any sort of affection. He still told me he loved me and eventually became comfortable enough to return to our bed, but he would sleep with his back to me curled up in a tight ball. I would wait until he was asleep to slide closer and pull him next to me. Silent tears fell as I prayed that one day things would return to normal.
It was also during that time that I made more frequent visits to Mike. I was going to him at least twice a week and up to five times. Jasper pretty much kept to himself, so my absences didn't really affect him, or so I thought. I'll never forget the evening I came home to a very pissed off and suspicious Jasper.
"Where the hell have you been," he asked as I walked through the door.
Still tweaked from the eight ball I'd just ingested, I tried to slow down my movements and appear normal.
"I was hanging out with friends."
"You've been hanging out with them a lot lately."
"Yeah, we'll you haven't been very friendly, so what am I supposed to do," I said, suddenly becoming very defensive.
He stood still for a moment and cut his eyes.
"Are you on something?"
"Why the hell would you think that?"
"Because I've been noticing your behavior lately. You fidget a lot and you're always wiping your nose or randomly scratching your face. What's wrong with you?"
Sticking my hands in my pockets to prevent them doing any of those things and prove him wrong, I looked at him like he was crazy.
"You're crazy. There's nothing wrong with me."
"Ever since…that night, you're not the same person. You stay out a lot; you don't call and I hardly see you anymore."
"Look, I apologized over and over again for that night. What more do you want? Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and beg you for forgiveness? It's not like you'd magically want me anymore anyway. You haven't let me touch you since then!"
"Are you fucking surprised," he screamed. "I had to go to the doctor because of you. I never thought that you would ever hurt me like that!"
"Well, either get over it or shut the fuck up," I screamed in his face.
He flinched at my words and clenched his jaw.
I couldn't stand to see the hurt in his eyes, so I picked up my jacket and headed back towards the door.
"Where are you going now," he asked.
"Away from you and this bullshit!"
Slamming the door behind me, I headed straight to the place where I knew I wouldn't be judged or have past mistakes thrown in my face.
"Edward," a soft, motherly voice said, interrupting my memories.
Returning to the present, I focused on Charlotte, who looked very concerned.
"Are you okay, Edward?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I zoned out for a minute"
Placing her hand on my forearm, she gave me a gentle squeeze. It was everything I needed at that moment.
Just then a nurse walked into the room with the wheelchair and Peter and I helped Jasper into it.
"Ready to go home," I asked.
He looked up at me and smiled, but something in his expression told me that he knew something wasn't quite right. I forced a smile upon my face and grabbed his hand as Peter pushed his wheelchair out of the room and towards the elevators.
I pulled my rental to the front of the hospital and helped get Jasper comfortable in the passenger seat.
"Are you sure you don't need us to help you get settled, son?"
Jasper shook his head as I climbed into the driver's seat.
Taking my hand in his, he said, "No, I think I'll be okay."
"Okay," Charlotte said. "Well, check in tomorrow and I'll bring over some of your favorites to eat."
Charlotte leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. As soon as she pulled away, Peter was giving him a bear hug, careful not to squeeze too tightly.
"We'll see you soon, Edward," he said to me.
"Okay, Peter," I said with a forced smile.
"Take care of our boy," Charlotte said quietly while pushing a lock of Jasper's hair behind his ear.
I won't let him down again.
We pulled out of the parking lot and Jasper gave me directions to his place. I was so nervous. I didn't want to fuck things up again and remembering the beginning stages of my downward spiral and the demise of our relationship put me on edge. I began to wonder if it was even a good idea for me to be here. Jasper needed someone stable, trustworthy, and reliable to take care of him, not someone selfish, vengeful and hateful like me. I'd tried so hard in the past eleven months to eradicate those behaviors, and succeeded according to my family and Jake, but I was still unsure of myself. Jasper was the one who received the most pain, the most hate and the most torment by my actions and I feared that no matter how much we loved each other, we'd never get past it.