Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. A/N: After writing that really depressing SasoDei fic, (if you're into SasoDei, check it out! [unashamed advertisement]) I decided to hop back into the parody boat and wrote this! Enjoy! Warnings: Major OOCness. But since it is a crack-fic, that's pretty much expected. I hope you'll still give this fic a try.
A/N: After writing that really depressing SasoDei fic, (if you're into SasoDei, check it out! [unashamed advertisement]) I decided to hop back into the parody boat and wrote this!
Warnings: Major OOCness. But since it is a crack-fic, that's pretty much expected.
I hope you'll still give this fic a try.
-o- Red Hair
The two stood across the clearing from one another. One figure was of a short, pale boy with a shock of red hair and black bags (or eyeliner) traced heavily around his light blue eyes. The other figure was stockier with a huge hump-back while wearing a black cloak with red clouds, a bandana over his mouth and a hat placed on his head.
Suddenly, the stockier and shorter of the two popped open. No, really, the hatch of the figure popped open and suddenly another figure emerged. This newer figure still wore the cloak with the red clouds, but instead of looking like a gruesome ninety-five year old, this not-so-mysterious person was graced with big brown eyes, a mouth quirked into a smirk, a delicate nose, and like the other person, he too had red hair.
"So you finally showed your true form, Akasuna Sasori." The former figure said in a raspy voice while crossing his arms over his chest, hardly seeming fazed at the heavy gourd slung over his back.
"Well, Gaara, I had to see my son face-to-face at least once," Sasori said simply, smirk never leaving his face.
Gaara stared at the ex-Suna nin in shock. "What are you talking about?"
Suddenly, foreboding music echoed eerily through the field filled with flowers and little animals that the two were standing in and Sasori turned to look at Gaara with serious eyes, "To put it bluntly…" Here the Akatsuki member paused for dramatic effect, "I am your father."
Gaara cocked his head to the side and stared at Sasori with a 'you-belong-in-the-loonie-bin!' look on his pale face. "You are not my father, don't be ridiculous!"
Sasori scowled and pulled at his red roots, "Don't deny the hair!" He shouted melodramatically.
"Wha-?" Here, Gaara grabbed some of his locks too with a slightly uncertain look on his face. "A lot of people have red hair. Just because you and I have red hair doesn't make us… related."
"Trust me Gaara; I would know who my son is."
"… You are a puppet. You don't even have the proper human organs to procreate." Gaara gave a very out-of-character grin full of smugness, as if he had won the Third Shinobi War single-handedly.
"I have created a poison, before I made myself into a puppet. This poison is special, not because it doesn't kill people, but because…" Sasori trailed off.
"Because…?" Gaara questioned in a very questioning manner.
"Before I tell you what is so special about this particular poison, you must also know something else." Sasori looked away somewhat bashfully. "I… I'm a homo."
Gaara was incredulous. "What do you being gay have to do with anything?"
"It has to do with everything!" Sasori proclaimed. "You see, this particular poison contains some of my sperm." Gaara gagged but Sasori ignored him. "Since I am only interested in the male specimen, I won't be able to have children, unless, of course, I rape every female in hopes of getting one pregnant. But since the thought of touching a girl repulses me (especially after I fought that pink-haired b—excuse me… witch), it means that I won't have a heir or something. And since I wanted a heir, I created this poison! I just had to inject it into a male and they would be pregnant!"
"So you injected poison into my not-so-father father?" Gaara's head hurt, this was just too complicated.
"No," Sasori shook his head, "I injected the poison into your mother. She was a guinea pig."
"But my mother is female, if you wanted to test out your poison to see if it would work on a male, wouldn't it make more sense to inject the poison into a man?"
Sasori glared, "Yes, well. Your mother was wearing a hat, and let's face it, she was even flatter that that pink-haired b—sorry, witch."
Sasori stared at Gaara.
Gaara twitched in discomfort.
Finally, the Kazekage broke the silence, "So, you're my father?"
Sasori nodded, "I would presume so."
Gaara frowned, "Well, what if the poison doesn't work on females and only works on males? That would mean that you are not my father, and to be perfectly honest, I still do not believe that you are my father."
Sasori scowled, "Don't deny the hair! But… if you are still uncertain, let's get our DNA checked, and if it matches, it would mean that I am your father, if it doesn't, you can go back to being Kazekage and the Akatsuki will be trying to kill you again and I will continue to try to impregnate men."
"Fine." Gaara nodded in consent.
And so, the supposed father and son walked all the way to Konoha to get their DNA checked out, because even though Konoha was the village furthest away from that random field filled with flowers and bunnies that they were randomly standing in, they both felt the strange need to walk awkwardly next to each other for a very long period of time.
"Gaara-kun, what are you doing here?" Sakura asked dubiously.
"It's you, you pink-haired b— I mean, witch!" Sasori gasped dramatically.
"Sasori?" Sakura scowled when the redhead nodded, "I thought Lady Chiyo and I killed you!"
"Well you made a mistake."
"Why you—" Sakura raised a fist, ready to pummel Sasori's really good-looking face into the ground when Gaara intervened.
"We would like to get our DNA checked, if that's alright." Gaara said calmly, carefully placing himself in front of Sasori.
Sakura hesitantly put her fist down, "Why?"
"Because Sasori believes that he is my father and I am starting to believe him."
Sakura gasped in shock. "What do you mean he's your father?"
"He's not my father, he might be my father." Gaara mumbled.
Sakura opened her mouth but no words came out, instead, she stood there with her mouth flapping up and down and up and down and Sasori couldn't help but compare her to Kisame. The resemblance was shocking.
"So can you check our DNA or not?" Gaara asked impatiently and Sasori couldn't help but internally beam at Gaara's impatience.
"Y-yes! Of course Gaara-kun!" Sakura quickly composed herself and gestured for the Fifth Kazekage and the S-rank criminal to follow her into a white room. "Just follow me; you should be able to get the results in a few days."
Sasori and Gaara both nodded and then their blood was drawn.
"So what do you enjoy doing Gaara?" Sasori questioned, sitting across from the Kazekage at the small, quaint restaurant they were seated in.
Gaara was busy chewing on a piece of dango and quickly swallowed before asking, "Why should I tell you?"
"Because if I am your father, wouldn't it make sense that I should at least know my son?"
Gaara frowned at his logic. God-damn puppets. "Yes, but if you aren't my father, then I would be giving away unnecessary information. I say we wait until we find out the results, and if you are my father, we can divulge our information."
"Fair enough." Sasori nodded in agreement.
An awkward silence settled over the two.
"Master!" A voice suddenly cried out.
The two redheads turned around and saw Deidara running towards them at full speed, his blonde hair bouncing up and down in his ponytail and his Akatsuki cloak flying all over the place. Fast-walking after the ex-Iwa nin was Itachi and Kisame.
"Deidara?" Sasori stood up. "What are you doing here, brat?"
"Well I got worried Master Sasori, yeah!" Deidara proclaimed, stopping in front of the puppet. "Leader-sama sent you out on a mission (to buy groceries, yeah!) and the estimated time for you to be back from buying Pocky for Leader-sama was an hour at most, yeah! And instead you were gone for five days! So I asked Leader-sama to go out and to find you, and he agreed because he really wanted his Pocky, but he asked Kisame-san and Uchiha-bastard to come along with me too, to baby-sit me or something, yeah, so here I am!"
Sasori blinked. "What?"
Deidara opened his mouth again to repeat himself but Itachi beat him to the punch, "We got worried so we came out here to look for you."
"So why did it take so long for you to buy Pocky, Sasori?" Kisame asked.
"Oh, well I got sidetracked." Sasori answered before gesturing to Gaara who was still sitting at the table eating dango. The moment Itachi saw the dango; he sat down in Sasori's neglected seat and started munching on the sweet treats, ignoring Gaara's incredulous stare.
"YOU'RE ON A DATE, YEAH?" Deidara cried while pointing to the other red-head, "HOW COULD YOU, MASTER? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL, YEAH!"
"Shut up brat!" Sasori snapped. "I'm not on a date, Gaara is-"
"Might be." Gaara injected.
"Right," Sasori nodded, "Gaara might be my son."
"WHAT?" Deidara screeched again, "YOU HAD SEX WITH A GIRL? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY, YEAH!"
"SHUT UP, BRAT!" Sasori roared. "I am gay but you don't have to tell the whole world! And I didn't have sex with a girl! I injected a poison (which contained my sperm) into a girl."
"Oh, well, that's alright then, yeah."
"So what are you still doing here then? Father-son bonding time or something?" Kisame asked, his ear-drums throbbing from Deidara's high-pitched scream.
"No, we're waiting to get the results of our DNA samples to see if we really are father and son."
Another awkward silence, one in which Deidara tried to glomp Sasori, Itachi ate all of the dango, causing Gaara to glare at him, and Kisame just stood uselessly by.
After two days, the two redheads, Deidara, Itachi and Kisame walked back to the hospital to get the results of the DNA test.
As they entered the hospital, they saw Sasuke in the lobby holding a bunch of flowers. The moment the younger Uchiha saw the elder one, he broke out into a glare.
"Oh, hello there Sasuke." Itachi said pleasantly, hardly seeming fazed at the venom dripping from his younger brother's voice. "What are you doing here?"
Sasuke scowled before muttering reluctantly, "I'm here to see my girlfriend…"
Itachi gasped. "Your girlfriend? I didn't even have time to teach you about sex… okay, you are coming with me, little brother." Here, Itachi grabbed his protesting little brother and dragged him off to some place. "I will teach you about sex and protection…"
"WHAT? NO YOU BASTARD! LET ME GOOOOOOO!"
Kisame stared blankly after his partner before muttering a quick, "I should probably make sure that nothing happens to them," to Sasori before briskly following Itachi and the screeching Sasuke.
Right after the Uchihas and the fish man disappeared around the corner, Sakura came walking out briskly. "Gaara-kun, Sasori… Deidara? Okay, whatever. I have the results of your DNA test." Here she paused for dramatic effect. "Gaara, Sasori, you two are not related in any way."
There was a pause before Sasori said, "But we both have red hair!"
Sakura glared at him, "So what? Ino and Deidara have the same hair colour and style, they're not related."
Deidara glared right back at her, "We do not have the same hair style, b-" Sasori coughed pointedly, "witch." Sakura stared at him. "Fine… we have the same hair style, but not the same hair color, yeah! She's platinum blonde, I'm golden blonde, yeah!"
"Okay, whatever," Sakura rolled her eyes; "Gaara-kun and Sasori are not related (thank God) so you guys can go back to being enemies and everything else."
Suddenly, Sasuke ran past, hands and legs bound and hopping all over the place. "SAKURA! SAKURA! HELP MEEEEEEE!"
Itachi came around the bend and started chasing the hopping Sasuke, "Foolish little brother! Protection is very important! If you do not use protection, you will have more than a million little Uchihas running around, and I am not in the mood to be an uncle yet!"
Then Kisame came running around the corner too, waving his huge-ass sword around in the air, "Itachi-kun! I think Sasuke gets it!"
Sasuke managed to hop behind Sakura while the pink-haired b- ahem, sorry, medic screeched out, "WHAT'S WRONG SASUKE?"
"Itachi's trying to educate me about sex!" Sasuke proclaimed, ignoring the fact that Deidara was rolling around the floor in laughter, Sasori was trying very hard to stop his smile and that Gaara's eyes were crinkled in slight amusement.
"WHAT? NOOOOO!" Sakura cried out, horrified. "Quick! ANBU! There are Akatsuki members here! Help! Help! HELP!"
Sasori scowled and quickly ran for the doors before the ANBU cops could stop them. "Quick! Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, let's go!"
The other Akatsuki members nodded before following the puppet and making a run for it.
"Good bye, foolish little brother of mine!" Itachi called over his shoulder. "Remember what I told you! Protection is important!"
Deidara turned back too and shouted at the top of his lungs, "LATER PINK-HAIRED BEEEEOTCH, YEAH!"
Sasuke just hid behind Sakura, pale and shivering while Sakura simmered angrily at being called a 'beeeeotch'.
There was a pause before Gaara asked, "So, Sasori is not my father?"
"Damn." Sasori growled as they continued running, jumping from tree to tree and leaving Konoha far behind, "I guess the poison doesn't work on females."
"So Gaara isn't your son, yeah?" Deidara asked, easily keeping pace with the puppet.
"Yes, Gaara isn't my son."
"That sucks, yeah. It'd be pretty cool to have the Kazekage as your child."
"Why do you want a child anyway, Master, yeah?" Deidara asked curiously.
Sasori rolled his eyes, "So I can make him or her into a puppet." He said that like he was chatting about the weather and Kisame looked at him in shock.
"Why would you turn your child into a puppet?" Kisame asked, horrified. "Wouldn't it make more sense to eat it?"
"You're starting to sound like Zetsu, Kisame." Itachi said simply.
"I guess it would be okay to eat your child if it was a fish, like how your children would be if you had children." Sasori said.
There was a pause.
"Do you really want a child, Master Sasori, yeah?"
"I'll bear your child then, yeah!"
Sasori slipped and fell.
And while all this happened, Pain sat in his room rolling around the floor and craving strawberry Pocky.
A/N: Alright, so this is the result of eating Pocky and watching Star Wars. XD
Hope you enjoyed! Leave a review please! Love, Harmony
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