Disclaimer: Portal and all associated characters belong to Valve.


Explosion Day

"So the situation looked pretty ugly. The Bad Guy Sphere hijacked the facility—"

"My name is Wheatley, would you please—"

"—And the whole place was about to blow. And then, dun-da-da-dun-dun, Rick to the rescue!"

"The Adventure Sphere has never rescued anyone."

"I swing in on this wire, all heroic-like, 'cause you gotta make an entrance, and there's this gorgeous babe trying to fight the Bad Guy Sphere!"

"—Stop calling me that—"

"And I admired her pluck—I like a little pluck in a girl—but she was gonna get herself killed without me, so I said, 'Step aside, pretty lady. You let ol' Rick handle this.'"

"You couldn't handle a cold potato, mate," Wheatley grumbled, but regretted it immediately as he recalled his own potato-related downfall.

"The potato is the most devious root vegetable."

Rick ignored them both. "I had to think fast. First I distracted him with a distraction, so the little lady could get away, and then I broke open a pipe and shot goo right in his ugly face."

"I'm not ugly."

"The Intelligence Dampening Sphere is not as handsome as the Fact Sphere."

"My name is Wheatley. Can nobody just call me Wheatley?"

"And he was shooting bombs at me the whole time, but he couldn't see, so he kept missing, and I caught the bombs and put 'em in a big pile right underneath him. But then he wiped the goo off and he grabbed me with this big claw thing, and I almost thought I was a goner. And he held me up right in front of his face, and he looked at me with his big ugly eye—"

"Not ugly. I've been told I'm quite attractive, in fact."

"—And he was like, 'You have been a thorn in my side long enough.' And I was like, 'Oh yeah? Well this thorn's gonna take—you—down!' And you know what I did? I punched him right in the eye!"

"Okay, you don't have hands."

"So he dropped me, and right when he dropped me he shot another bomb at me—but I grabbed the bomb, and threw it at the pile of other bombs, y'know, the ones from before, and he exploded in this big fireball, KA-POW! It was great!"

"Combustion was patented by Cave Johnson in the year 1970."

"And since all the trouble was over I said, 'Hey, little lady, you can come out now. Rick took care of that big bad robot.' And she picked me up, and her eyes were all teary and sexy, and she said—" He adopted a high falsetto. "'Oh, Rick, you're the bravest, handsomest Adventure Sphere I ever met.' And I said, 'Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.' And then she gave me a big ol' kiss."

Wheatley glared sullenly at him. "That was a great story. Especially the true part. Which was none of it."

"What, you calling me a liar?"

"She did not kiss you."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"How else does a lady reward a handsome man for saving her life?"

"You didn't—"

"The Adventure Sphere is wholly incorrect and most likely delusional. The Fact Sphere was actually the one who saved the Enrichment Center."

"Oh that's funny, because as I remember, neither of you did much of anything," Wheatley said scathingly. "She was the one who did all the work."

"Yeah she was, when she took me back to her Relaxation Vault to celebrate." It was hard to wink suggestively with only one eye, but Rick managed it.

"You shut up!"

"The Adventure Sphere is incapable of pleasuring a woman."

"Oh yeah? Well there's a whole flock of girls down on Earth who'd tell you different!"

"The Adventure Sphere is most certainly delusional."

Recognizing the signs of a futile discussion, Wheatley gave up. "I am leaving this conversation. Right now." He turned his pupil to the Space Sphere, who was muttering quietly to himself. "How're you doing, pal?"

"Star. Star. Star. Star. Star. Star. Star."

Wheatley sighed. Eternity was going to be a long time.