Disclaimer: The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion is owned by Bethesda. Not me.
A/N: Inspired by the hilarious duplicating item glitch in Oblivion and several funny videos regarding it. Then I did it ingame (much to the displeasure of my computer) and couldn't resist. Written in roughly an hour and a half.
And apparently I've been using the plural form for watermelon wrong my whole life. Why had no one corrected me on this? XD Now fixed in the story.
It seemed like the empire would fall at last. The Mythic Dawn stood at the gates of Cloud Ruler Temple, their daedric minions beside them as they clamored for the death of Martin Septim. Bruma was near the point of ruin.
To say the Blades were in dire need of help would be an understatement.
Jauffre ducked a fireball that flew over the walls, ignoring the grim look on Martin's face. "Cloud Ruler Temple must not fall," he stated determinedly, even though Martin was sure he too knew the only chance they had were the iron doors that kept the fortress safe. "We will keep you safe, sire."
Martin only grimaced. If an Oblivion gate opened right then, right outside their walls… then all could be lost.
One of the Blades, Belisarius, ran from the battlement. "We're out of arrows sir!" He called, looking almost panicked. "Orders?"
"What about the armory?" Jauffre asked, gritting his teeth.
"Gone, sir. We've used them all up. The daedra just keep coming."
Martin caught sight of the Hero of Kvatch sprinting away from the battlement towards him as well. The Bosmer must have been thinking the same thing as he as she stopped the moment she arrived, worn bow in hand from the number of shots taken.
"There are too many," Miriel shook her head sadly, panting. "At this rate, we'll have to rely on long-range spells to keep them at bay…"
She glanced at Martin, then quickly gazed back at Jauffre and the other Blade. "How many of us have mage training?"
Martin raised his hand hesitantly. Jauffre just looked at her wearily.
"I'm afraid the only powerful mage is Martin here," he motioned to the other man. "And we all know having him as our sole fighter would be disastrous."
Miriel clenched her fist. "Do we have any scrolls in the armory?"
The other Blade with them paused for a moment. Then his brows furrowed. "None that would be useful. Other than that chest of five thousand scrolls of Absorb Mercantile."
Miriel dropped her jaw in absolute shock. "Five thousand – of Absorb Mercantile? Why do we have that?"
"A shipment was mixed up recently. We were supposed to acquire arrows… though to this day, no one knows how the merchant could have mistaken scrolls for arrows."
"Of Absorb Mercantile, for that matter," Jauffre answered with a frown. "And we have absolutely no use for them. The merchant let us keep them for free, but we never did get those arrows."
Martin shook his head. "In any case, those aren't going to be useful. Is there anything we could throw over the sides instead? Swords, daggers, stones, chairs, forks, watermelons…"
His list might have grown longer and significantly more mundane had Miriel not suddenly let out a shout, her face lighting up.
"Quickly, where are the scrolls?" she asked excitedly.
The men glanced at each other, confused. "In the armory, by the training dummy," Belisarius answered.
Miriel nodded. "Great. Thanks, I'll be right back."
And without another word, she burst into a run back to the temple.
The situation had not improved when she returned, beladen under the weight of a large pack filled with scrolls, followed by a very bemused Baurus carrying a watermelon.
They walked right through the courtyard and towards the battlement.
Everyone stared at her.
"What in the world are you planning…?" Martin asked, noting the slight sheen to her body. Feather spell. Those scrolls must weigh a great deal.
She panted as she made her way. "A trick I learned. You can follow me, help out when my Feather spell fades."
More out of curiosity than anything else, the small group continued after her onto the high wall surrounding the front of the temple, dodging the onslaught of spells from those below. Martin noted that the other Blades there also looked at Miriel in rather a great deal of bewilderment.
She quickly made her way to one of the watchtowers, ducked low from the sight of the Mythic Dawn. "All right. Baurus, the watermelon please."
He gave it to her. "I don't know what you're doing," he stated, "But you've gotten us all this far."
She grinned cheekily. "Depends on whether or not this works."
She took a deep breath, as though preparing herself. The Blades watched her with bated breath, wondering what it was she was about to do, and why in the world she needed all five thousand of those scrolls and a watermelon…
Then she stood, entered a fighting stance, and struck at the air.
That's it…? Martin thought in his head, but at that exact moment she grabbed for one of the scrolls sticking out the top of the pack, as though preparing to use it –
And then she hurled the watermelon high into the air above the outer wall of the gate.
For a moment, it seemed as though the world stood still. The watermelon hung there, suspended in its arc, and Martin wondered if perhaps it were to fall, it might hit one of the many Mythic Dawn below, and from this height maybe even crush them, but what was the use if it was only one watermelon…
The watermelon exploded into a shower of… more watermelons.
Every single person on the battlement gaped.
It was quite possibly the most bizarre sight Martin had seen in recent days. The single watermelon was truly caught in the air, but more watermelons, of the same size and shape, seemed to spawn from it, shooting outwards and falling in what looked like a humongous waterfall of large green fruit.
A din of horrified shrieks and cries of pain began, accompanied by the loud splattering of what sounded like small explosions.
"So it did work," Miriel noted with a thoughtful smile. "I figured watermelons would work best, seeing as they're five pounds and it wouldn't do for the enemy to have access to swords or other weapons if I used those…"
"That's not why I'm so amazed," Baurus shook his head, still staring at the falling stream of green. "How is this possible…?"
"I have no idea. It just does."
"Probably the work of Sheogorath," Martin crossed his arms. "Or perhaps one of the Nine."
"I would bet on Sheogorath," Belisarius commented.
The sound of the Mythic Dawn and daedra being crushed to death under a watermelon waterfall was becoming rather loud.
"So, does this work for only watermelons, or do other objects apply?" Jauffre asked Miriel.
She shrugged helplessly. "I would assume we can use other objects. I've only done this once… and that was with cheese."
"Do we have any more watermelons?"
She pointed down at the gate. "We do now."
Martin gathered up his courage and snuck a glance over the edge. He could see a large pile of green melon below, some of the top ones whole but most scattered into broken green and pink, along with what looked like a few hints of red beneath it all.
There were a few dumbstruck daedra and Mythic Dawn a bit further off, who seemed to have escaped the entire onslaught.
"There are some enemies further away," he spoke, feeling within for his pool of mana. "Shall I dispatch them?"
"I've got a better idea," Baurus answered with a growing smile. "I'm sure we had more watermelons back in the hall…"
A few hours later, the threat was gone.
Most of the other Blades were in Bruma dealing with the last of the enemies. The rest were trudging about, trying to figure out what to do with the fact that the entire path leading down from Cloud Ruler Temple was a sea of green and pink smashed fruit.
"Well, Bruma won't be going hungry any time soon," Jena commented as she nudged one of the still whole watermelons with the toe of her boot. "Neither will we for that matter."
It rolled away to reveal a broken scamp claw.
A few feet away, Cyrus had his blade in the air in a sign of victory.
"To the Hero of Cloud Ruler Temple!" he shouted uproariously at Miriel, who was busy digging through the mess trying to retrieve arrows. "The Lady of the Watermelon Waterfall, who led the epic battle wielding scrolls and fruit - "
"Oh stop it," she blushed as she pulled an arrow from a sticky mess of pulverized melon. "You had a turn with it too."
"All right," Jauffre called. "Remember your orders – no one outside of us Blades knows exactly how this came to be. We tell them that we do not know. And we do not repeat this again!"
Martin grimaced. "I'm fairly sure the cleanup will settle that," he commented wryly.
"Yes. But who would have thought, at such a dark time… watermelons."
"Anything to keep you safe, sire," Miriel saluted.