Trust is Never Easy
This chapter touches slightly on: the S3 opening arc, S2 ending arc, Hard Landing, and War.
Chapter 1 Betrayal – Part 1 (posted)
Nikita is lying to me.
I don't know when I started suspecting she's keeping secrets. Was it Nikita's complete lack of reaction to finding out my blood cover marriage? Or was it earlier during Adrian's failed coup against Operations and Madeline?
No. It was even earlier than that when Nikita, who had wanted to be free from Section with every fiber of her being, voluntarily came back.
She said she came back for me. Why don't I believe that? At the time my mind was too preoccupied with trying to shake the suspicion cast on both of us with her miraculous return. Then I was too full of jealousy and rage at how easily she would turn to Jurgen. If she had came back for me as she claimed, how could she have given up so quickly?
It was only after Nikita was granted a few weeks of downtime after Jurgen's death, and I had time to process the mixture of sadness and relief at being free from my former trainer that I started wondering about Nikita's motivation.
I know there was a connection between us. There always has been since the first moment we sparred in the White Room. I used that attraction ruthlessly between us, sometimes on the behest of Section, and sometimes in order to keep her alive. I manipulated her so many times that I know she doesn't trust me. Not that she ever did. Trust involves openness and honesty. Those traits will get you killed in Section.
She certainly doesn't love me. She might have at one point convinced herself that she might be in love with me. That conviction withered away after one too many Section directed manipulation. The final straw that broke the camels' back was my manipulation of her during the breach by Red Cell and the subsequent war that broke out.
Then why did she come back if not for me? I'm not so conceited to believe that she would decide a life of servitude and being told to kill was preferable to freedom after just one night with me. I've been trained by the best in Section on how to manipulate and draw out desire and passion. However, that one night on the boat was me at my most honest, my most desperate. There were no carefully planned seduction, no calculated passion.
I know she took pleasure from me. I was desperate to make her want me as much as I longed for her. There could be no mistake that there were no subterfuge, no dishonesty between us when we finally gave into the desire building between us these past 3 years. We were honest with each other then.
"I thought I lost you."
"You never had me."
Was she speaking the truth then?