A/N: Final chapter! Except for some kind of epilogue telling Kurt's side of the story. Yes, it's ridiculously late. But I've had no internet, and other arrrgggh worthy issues. Including, but not limited to: grades, writers block, real life, an overdose of watching other shows and therefore not thinking about glee, and it being too hot to be near a laptop.
Every teacher has instincts. Emma knew when a pamphlet had been ignored. Sue knew when a cheerio was losing motivation. Brad appeared whenever when someone was about to sing.
Will had those instincts. Sure, sometimes they failed him, and on rare occasion Will overlooked the obvious, but these times were far and few between. Usually.
Anyway, he'd starting paying more attention to the little tingles on the edge of his mind after he ignored them and Kurt transferred. This situation was setting them off. Really, really, really, setting them off.
"Mercedes, I thought Kurt tutored you? And Quinn, your grades in this class are fine." Will frowned at the crowd of teenagers around his desk. "In fact, Kurt tutors all of you. Except, Santana, because you speak Spanish."
"The offer for extra help was open to anyone who wanted it." Quinn murmured. Will eyed her. "Are you denying a student something they want?"
"Could you deny a student what they wanted?" Santana hissed. She leaned over his desk, eyes glittering. "Even if it went against a moral compass?"
"…you can have the Spanish help if you really want it." Will said. "I mean, I'm the Spanish teacher, I can't say no."
The group of students around his desk exchanged grim looks. Will tried to pinpoint what in the world his instincts were trying to tell him.
Crush? All of them simultaneously? That had happened once, and he'd ended up with a demented cult of students trying to get him into some sort of orgy. This was one of those moments when he really wanted Terri, if only because she could subdue even his most fervent admirers.
"Listen, I don't know what you all think might happen…" Will was not going to send misleading signals in song this time! He was quite sure that if he encouraged these particular girls in the least, it would end up with him being fired. "But I am a teacher. I can't have any sort of romantic liaisons with a student."
There was a quick intake of breath from all the girls at once.
"Girls?" Will wondered if that had been too blunt. "Not that many students aren't wonderful and desirable people, but I'm a teacher, and I've had quite a few complicated things happen with the women in my life recently…so, you know this is setting a good example for the rest of you. It's smarter to avoid drama, and I think this is exactly what you are all trying to create."
"Well Mr. Schue." Quinn rose from her seat and looked at him scornfully. "You've brought it upon yourself."
"I can't…you girls are the ones…" Mr. Schue rubbed his temples. "Do you want Spanish help or not? Because I need to work on my notes."
"You mean, those things you work on in glee club?" Santana got up as well, her eyes narrowed in his direction.
"I…yes? I do work on a lot of things in glee club. I mean, when I'm not paying attention to solos." He glanced around them. Maybe this wasn't about a crush, which would be embarrassing. Maybe they were angry about the fact that Jesse was doing so much work in glee club.
Which was sort of valid. Jesse had been doing some secret project with Kurt, and perhaps they were angry that Will had been paying so little attention to the counter tenor that he decided to seek mentorship somewhere else. He could understand them being worried about Kurt.
Upon reflection, that made more sense.
"I promise, Kurt is fine." Whatever was bothering the girls, that seemed to do the trick. Will attempted to smile as they walked out, all one body.
Was that a murderous look in Tina's eyes?
He desperately needed to confer with Emma.
They gathered around the piano, trying to figure out what to do. Artie had been brought in and the situation explained to him, because Artie was pretty smart and he might be able to help. They also had Brad, but he had been there when they arrived. And he didn't count.
"Should we tell Figgins?" Mike suggested. "He kicked Sandy Ryerson out in a second, I'm sure he'd do the same to Mr. Schue."
"But Mr. Ryerson came back." Tina pointed out.
"That was because Sue wanted him back. If we just tell Sue instead of Figgins, Mr. Schue will never be seen again." Santana said. Mercedes bit her lip.
"Then glee is over. And are you sure Miss Sylvester won't launch this into the news, in order to hurt the reputation of glee club coaches everywhere and further ruin Mr. Schue?" Mercedes was pretty sure that, if given the opportunity to ruin Mr. Schue, Sue would lunge.
"No way. Sue actually likes Kurt, he even has a nickname given from fondness. And Kurt's name would have to come up if she did a Sue's Corner about it. It's more likely that if we told her Mr. Schue would just…disappear." Quinn said. It was scary how much Sue liked Kurt. She'd probably strangle Will with her bare hands, and revive him just so she could torture him.
Quinn also had it on good information that Sue kept a fully functional torture chamber in her soundproofed basement.
"But we don't know Mr. Schue has done anything." Sam said. The room glared at him. "I'm only saying that maybe we should warn him before killing him. He could be pretty broken up about the whole becoming a pedophile thing."
"Not important." Mercedes growled. "We ever get evidence he's doing more than drawing creeper pictures, we set Sue on him to kill him."
"Oh dear god…this is today's youth?"
The entire group froze in shock.
"You honestly think that guy has time to draw pictures of Kurt? He doesn't care enough! He doesn't have enough talent! Furthermore, you morons are overlooking the obvious person who's been spending a lot of time with Kurt lately!"
Oh my god. Brad was talking. Brad could talk. It sent the collective brains of glee into an explosive spiral.
Except for Sam, who'd been there for a shorter amount of time and wasn't so used to Brad only being furniture. He was just amazed that Brad knew what was going on when none of them had any idea.
"…none of you brats know what I'm talking about." Brad shook his head. "Have any of you even been in the auditorium recently? I've been there playing for those two this whole week until Kurt told me I could go home. Now why don't you go ask Kurt if there's anyone pursuing him? He's in the auditorium if you want to go, now."
Brad got to his feet and grabbed his bag. The faces of the kids were priceless. You'd think he'd just stripped and started singing the latest Lonely Island song. About time they realized he noticed everything they did. And noticed that William didn't pay nearly enough attention to Kurt to draw pictures of him.
When the shock wore off, Mercedes realized that Brad probably had a point.
"We should go to the auditorium. If Brad says that isn't Mr. Schue, and he's probably right, then we need to just ask Kurt if he knows anything." She said. "But maybe we can just ask him on Monday. I'm tired."
"Thank you." Santana grumbled. "I'm sick of this whole thing, I haven't been able to spend any time with Brittany."
"Where is Brit anyway?" asked Quinn. "I haven't seen her around after school."
"Oh, some reporting thing." Santana waved a hand. "I think she was hiding in the rafters of the auditorium to spy on Kurt."
"She's spying on Kurt?" Mercedes laughed. "Why don't you ask her who she thinks is creeping on him then?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Brittany thinks those were a present and that she's helping Santa by keeping quiet." Santana sighed. "I'll text her."
Brittany's phone beeped. She gasped and dropped behind the seats of the auditorium. Jesse and Kurt hadn't heard her come in, but it would ruin the moment if they looked up now. When there was no reaction from the couple on stage, she peeped over the seats again.
Kurt was sitting on the edge of stage, his legs dangling over the side. Beside him was Jesse, sitting closer than the "consultant" boundaries allowed. But that was okay, because the fact that they were kissing blew those all the hell anyway.
It was sort of sweet actually. Pretty innocent as kisses went, both of them with their eyes closed and Jesse with one hand cupping Kurt's cheek.
Brittany giggled as quietly as she could and checked her text. Just Santana, wanting to know where she was. Brittany snuck out of the auditorium, plotting.
Interestingly enough, it came back to Lord Tubbington. Again.
Jesse agreed to judge Lord Tubbington on Fondue for Two! Brittany wanted to do a bit of interviewing and since Jesse was such a good judge he'd probably be great on a talk show!
Brittany frowned. Talk shows were always dramatic though. She'd learned the word from Jesse, and since she was interviewing Jesse it would be nice to do something with his word. What was dramatic…She cocked her head towards Lord Tubbington when he meowed.
"You say Jesse is in love with Kurt?" Lord Tubbington purred. "That's chocolate ice-cream!"
But whenever someone had ice-cream, they had to confirm it. And have sources! Jacob told her that when he was explaining to her how to be a reporter! Brittany was pretty sure he said she had to have five sources.
Lord Tubbington was one. Brittany bit her lip, trying to think of who else would know. Brittany racked her brains, thinking who knew things.
Coach Sylvester! Coach Sylvester knew everything. But how was she going to find Coach Sylvester? Lord Tubbington mrrowed.
"I can call Kurty!" Brittany considered asking Kurty if Jesse was in love with him. But Kurt knew everybody, and it wouldn't be ice-cream if she wasn't the first person who knew. Brittany decided to just ask him how to find Coach.
She called him. Kurt was giggling as he answered. "Hi Brittany. What-stop it, I'm talking! seems to be problem?"
"How do I talk to Coach?" Kurt laughed again, but not at Brittany.
"That tickles! Here, I'll talk you through logging onto face book." Brittany followed Kurt's instructions until she was on face book, where Coach had the special cheerios page. "Now open up a chat with her, and if you're lucky she'll deign to respond."
"It means she'll be nice and talk to you. I've got to go Brittany, but I'll tune into Fondue for Two." Brittany grinned. Kurt would tune in! Then he'd know if someone was in love with him or not. Wow, this would work out awesomely!
"Thanks Kurty!" Brittany opened up the chat.
Is Jesse in love with Kurt? Sue deigned! Brittany clapped her hands when she saw the reply.
Obviously. Do not attempt to make contact again. That was okay. Brittany didn't even remember how she'd gotten on to the chat. But more importantly, that was two sources! She tried to think of another.
Jacob? No, he'd steal her ice cream! No one in glee, they'd all tell Kurt before she could ask Jesse, and Kurt would tell Jesse, and it wouldn't be dramatic if Jesse knew it was going to happen.
She could ask her mom. Mom was pretty smart. No reason her mom couldn't confirm the icecream! Brittany ran down the stairs to her kitchen. Wow, her mom was even eating ice cream! That had to be fat.
"Mom! Is Jesse in love with Kurt?" Her Mom froze with the spoon halfway to her lips. She put it down and looked at Brittany warily.
"…yes." Mrs. Pierce had given up trying to talk to her daughter a long time ago. It always went it circles, and eventually she decided to just say yes to the questions. Brittany beamed.
"Thanks mom!" Brittany felt triumphant. She had three sources already! But she needed more. Brittany paced her room. Some one else had to know. Someone else she could talk to…
Lord Tubbington meowed, again. Brittany was so obviously lost without him…
"That's right! Your boyfriend would know wouldn't he?" Brittany bounced down the stairs again, and out the door. All Mrs. Pierce saw was a blonde blur streaking through the kitchen. She sighed and took out another serving of icecream.
Brittany climbed the fence into her neighbors yard. Yup, Sparkles was there. Brittany crouched down in front of the skinny black cat.
"Sparkles, I need to ask you something important." Sparkles stared at her. "Is Jesse in love with Kurt?"
He mrrowled. Brittany jumped up, doing a fist pump. This was going to be the most amazing icecream ever! She filled up Sparkle's bowl-Brittany always brought food over for Sparkles, because he always said he was hungry-and raced back to her own house. She only had an hour to get the Fondue ready! But she needed another source…ooo! Didn't everybody always say birds told them things? She could ask that bird she'd rescued from Lord Tubbington!
As the fondue simmered, Brittany went searching for the bird. She found her in the birdbath in her other neighbor's yard. Brittany smiled at the bird.
"Tweetsy, is Jesse in love with Kurt?" Tweetsy twittered. Brittany laughed.
"How would I know it was a dumb question? Thanks Tweetsy. You can come over anytime, I've told Lord Tubbington to stop hunting you." Tweetsy chirped again. Brittany trotted back to her house to prepare the Fondue, safe in the knowledge that her question was a valid one.
Jesse was in a great mood that day. He gave Lord Tubbington a 9 out of 10. While his answers to the questions were very well structured (reading a diary isn't invasive if the girl in question needs looking after, the reason American idol was so bad lately wasn't just because Simon Cromwell left it was because the most talented people didn't need a show to affirm their talent, hair is totally the secret to good living), and his talent ranked 10/10 (Never, ever, had Jesse seen a cat demonstrate the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on a barbie), he didn't make eye contact during most of his answers and his posture was frankly horrific.
"So, are you ready for questions?" Jesse shrugged and dipped another piece of meat into the chocolate. He was used to food like this. Some of Jesse's fondest memories of Vocal Adrenaline were of him eating disgustingly fatty food just to piss of Dakota Stanley.
"Lay it on me. I believe the ability to answer questions well is key to being a success in the showbiz industry." Brittany grinned.
"It it true that you're in love with Kurt Hummel? Cause I have five sources confirming." Jesse honestly had no idea how to respond to that.
"How did you know?" That was probably the worst option. Jesse had not meant to say it out loud.
"Well I wasn't sure but Lord Tubbington and his boyfriend and my mom and Coach Sue and Tweetsy told me, and I asked you and you said yes and this isn't chocolate ice cream it's even better!" Jesse tried to decipher that through the chorus singing "you're so screwed" inside his head. Often, when things happened to him, there was a glee club in his head singing to him about his stupidity.
"…Tweetsy. Can we cut this? Like, now?"
"I don't know how to turn off a camera." Jesse hopped to his feet and shut it off. "Thanks! I wonder how many people saw that."
"It was live?" Brittany nodded. Jesse reminded himself that not only was Brittany really a nice person, but that jail time would seriously slow down his ascent to Broadway fame. "Okay. Fine. I'm going home to contemplate why my brain decided to cut out exactly when it needed a snappy reply. Goodbye."
"Thanks for judging Lord Tubbington!"
The video went viral within two hours. It earned a segment on Jacob Ben Isreal's blog, a reposting on face book by almost every member of New Directions and twenty people on Vocal Adrenaline, five messages being left on Jesse's phone by Shelby, Finn camping out in the hallway in front of Kurt's room because his brother refused to come out and answer his yells, Burt spraying coffee over his computer screen when he checked his email, and William Schuester's neighbor breaking down the door to Will's apartment because he heard an unearthly scream from within.
Sue sat in her office and smirked. Everything was going according to plan.
The choir room was tenser than it had ever been on Monday. Kurt had somehow managed to sneak out before Finn woke up and avoided all the girls the entire day. An impressive feat, since he had classes with almost all of them. But he'd ignored all their texts and significant glances, and for some reason all the teachers were insanely strict that day. No one had any idea how Kurt engineered that, but it was effective.
So Mercedes, Quinn, Santana, Tina, Lauren, Mike, Puck, Sam, and Artie were grouped on one side of the choir room. Quinn was holding her head in her hands, trying to figure out how she had a 4.0 gpa and was still that dumb. The rest were whispering amongst themselves about whether or not Jesse was worthy.
Finn was alone, scowling. He was of the opinion that Jesse should be killed on the spot. Rachel had also taken her own position, that of the person who'd known all along (sort of) and was now unbearably smug that she'd known something no one else did. Brittany sat beside her, simply happy that her video had had so many views.
Mr. Schue had a headache. He only wanted to go home and sleep until the planets returned to their normal alignment.
Brad wasn't surprised at all.
Kurt pranced into glee club fashionably late, Jesse just behind him. He strode immediately to the piano, ignoring the hubbub of voices that exploded at his presence.
"If I might have the floor! Some of you may have seen a recent episode of a certain internet talkshow, which featured my boyfriend, Jesse." Jesse waved.
"Boyfriend?" Finn spluttered.
"We've been working on preparing something, and with your permission Mr. Schue, we'd like to sing." Kurt continued.
"I'll take that as a yes. Brad, hit it." Kurt took a deep breath and began to sing.
"Kiss me to fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing you're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings could not foresee
Lying beside you with you wanting me
And just for this moment, as long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance, and crossed the border line" Kurt leaned on one side of the piano, letting the music do most of the work. He'd dreamed of dueting this song since he'd seen the show, and this was living up to all his dreams. Finally, he'd found someone Broadway oriented and actually willing to get up in front of glee club and sing a love song…
And if it turns out, it's over too fast…
I'll make every last moment last!
As long as you're mine."
"Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing, through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling, it's up that I fell!" Jesse poured his voice into the lyrics, enjoying the feel of singing without vocal adrenaline behind him. He had forgotten how fun it was to sing without pressure.
Every moment, As long as you're mine
I wake up my body, and make up for lost time!
"Say there's no future for us as a pair
And though I may know, I don't care!" Jesse and Kurt took each others hands, glaring at the glee club. Jesse was focusing on Finn, who he had pegged as the one who would be keenest to split them up. Kurt stared at his girls, willing them to get that he would not be singing this song with anyone he wasn't sure about.
Just for this moment, as long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine!
Borrow the moonlight, until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
"As long as you're mine." Kurt giggled, taking in the expression's on his friend's faces.
"What is it?" Jesse said softly, leaning over to say it more for Kurt than New Directions.
"It's just, for the first time…I feel wicked." Kurt smiled at the glee club. "Any commentary?"
The picture group had decided about partway through the song that they'd get the full story out of Kurt later. In private. Will was quietly wishing that this had happened last year, so that song could have gone on the regionals roster. Finn glared at floor. He had a feeling he was outclassed. Rachel tried and failed to find flaws.
Brittany clapped enthusiastically.
A/N: "Is it true that you're in love with Kurt Hummel? Cause I have five sources confirmed." Jesse honestly had no idea how to respond to that. Saying "How did you know?" was probably the worst option.
That was how this entire story started. I kid you not. And Brittany totally has mystical cat powers. This is also my first full length crackfic. Into which I randomly put a deep, meaningful, song about the true love Jesse and Kurt share (shutup it's au) because I can. Woohoo!
The story of WTF happened between Jesse and Kurt will be the next chapter, and likely up after twoish weeks. Because I'm going to a small town in Canada, where this is no internet.