This is a Songfic based off of the song Diary by Bread. If I can make it come out right, it may be a very sad Oneshot. Here goes...
Jem walked out of the stable and began wandering around. He walked for a while, absorbing the cool London fog into his lungs. As he reached the end of the property he saw a slight figure curled up underneath a tree. Curious, he came closer, only to find that Tessa was sleeping underneath a large willow. Jem smiled slightly and bent to pick her up. Carefully, he carried her back to the Institute, moving her as little as he could so not to wake her up, and up to her room, placing her gently on the bed. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead, then quietly shut the door behind himself as he exited her room.
Jem didn't really want to go into his room. He also didn't want to deal with Will at the moment; he seemed to be in a rather unkind mood lately. So Jem returned outside and resumed walking aimlessly around the Institute. After a while, he could feel the dew from the grass soaking through the cuff of his pant leg. He didn't mind. He saw the tree that Tessa had been asleep under and noticed something lying in the grass.
I found her diary underneath a tree,
It was a small, leather-bound book with a metal clasp holding it closed. Jem picked it up and turned it around in his hands. He pinched the clasp and it popped open with a click. Feeling slightly guilty, but still curious, Jem flipped over the cover. The first page was completely full of Tessa's handwriting. It was her diary, or so it seemed. Jem wondered what she had been thinking when she had fallen asleep earlier today. He turned to the last page that she had written on.
And started reading about me.
I can't help but think of Jem nowadays. But I love him so much! Oh, how could I? Is it not selfish of me to think only of myself and not also of my friendship with Jem? Or of his friendship? What would a love like this do to him? I don't want to hurt him anymore than I would purposefully hurt myself. I don't know what to do.
The words she'd written took me by surprise.
Jem stared in shock at the few sentences she had written. Thoughts flew through his head about her feelings toward him as well as his feelings toward her. He knew that he loved her more than anyone else he had ever met, but was it possible that she loved him like that as well.
You'd never read them in her eyes.
Jem thought over all the times that they had been together. It seemed every time they were alone she was shy and quiet. She almost seemed to cringe away from her at times, although the look in her eyes afterward said it was an involuntary action. Could that look mean that she wishes to be moving the other direction at his touch? Into his arms? Jem looked back down at her diary and continued reading.
They said that she had found the love she'd waited for.
Is it possible that in the short time that I have known him I could have grown to love him so much? Could I have found the love that all girls dream about as children but rarely actually live? I don't want to...
With that she writing stopped. Jem supposed that had been when she had fallen asleep. He just stared at the words for a moment longer.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.
He contemplated their friendship. He couldn't remember her ever looking at him as though she loved him. But, she was always happy around him. Was that enough for her to love him? Jem supposed he's never know since she hardly ever let her emotions out.
Jem flipped the diary closed and secured the clasp, then made his way back to the Institute to return it to its rightful owner. Slowly, he walked up the stairs and toward her room. He turned the knob silently and padded his way across the floor to her nightstand. He place the book down, only then looking at her and seeing her eyes returned his gaze.
"Uh..." Jem said automatically at being caught in the action. "Sleep well?" he asked.
Tessa stretched and rubbed her eyes. "Quite well, thank you," she returned. Only after saying that did she look at the nightstand where Jem had set her diary. "You didn't read anything in there, did you Jem?" she asked him. The guilt on his face must have been evident, for she groaned quietly and shrunk into the mattress.
"Tessa?" Jem questioned quietly. "It's nothing to be worried about. It's alright. It won't ruin our friendship."
At that she looked up and stared at him, her gray eyes watering. "It won't?"
"Of course not. How could that ruin our friendship when I have grown to feel the same way about you?"
When she confronted with the writing there,
"Oh, Jem. No. I didn't mean what I wrote. Not like that."
Jem stood confused for a moment at the contradictions she had made between her writing and what she had just told him.
Simply pretended not to care.
"Tessa, just give it time and I'm sure I could love you back as much as you do. I already care for you greatly," he assured her.
She just rolled away from him onto her side.
I passed it off as just in keeping with,
Her total disconcerting air.
Jem shrugged his shoulders lightly and turned away from her. He figured it was only her embarrassment at her secret being uncovered. He walked toward the door, stopping just before it to turn back to face her in her bed.
And though she tried to hide
The love that she denied,
"I love you, Tessa," Jem announced to her gently. She curled into a small ball and let out tears that he couldn't see from his vantage point. He turned away from her once more and walked out of her room.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.
She didn't say anything to Jem all through dinner that night. She barely even looked at him. Instead, she just pushed her food around the plate, taking a bite every now and then. She stood up and excused herself early, leaving most of her plate uneaten. Will stared after her questioningly, but did not follow her. Neither did Jem. But, soon he excused himself as well and made his way to his room. He changed into his nightclothes and layed down upon his bed. He closed his eyes and soon he was dreaming of possibilities he had not thought of before.
And as I go through my life, I would give to her my wife,
All the sweet things I can find.
He dreamt of marrying her and being able to call her his wife someday. He conjured up ideas like buying her everything she could ever need and always making her smile. Jem smiled as well as he slept, turning over onto his side, falling into a deeper slumber.
The next morning when he awoke, Jem rubbed his eyes and smiled at the memory of his dreams. It was filled with a sweetness that he could not put into words. Jem changed into trousers and a shirt and made his way to breakfast barefoot. He greeted Agatha and Will in the dining room and ate in an odd silence. No one could find much to talk about. Will finished off his food and then left, leaving Jem alone, unless you count Agatha sitting in the corner, puffing her pipe with her eyes closed.
Jem left the dining room and walked back upstairs. This time, he did not return to his own room, but instead continued on down the hall to Tessa's room. Timidly, he knocked on the door. There was no answer. "Tessa?" he called just as softly. He opened the door to find her bed empty and her room abandoned. Jem felt a slight panic as he walked around the room. He glanced out the window and saw a familiar willow with a girl curled up underneath.
Jem went back to his room and threw on some shoes. He made his way outside and to the tree where Tessa lay.
I found her diary underneath a tree.
This time, her hand was still curled around the pen that she had been writing with and her diary was lying open beside her. Curiosity got the better of Jem.
And started reading about me.
He read over what he had read before with more added onto it.
I can't help but think of Jem nowadays. But I love him so much! Oh, how could I? Is it not selfish of me to think only of myself and not also of my friendship with Jem? Or of his friendship? What would a love like this do to him? I don't want to hurt him anymore than I would purposefully hurt myself. I don't know what to do. Is it possible that in the short time that I have known him I could have grown to love him so much? Could I have found the love that all girls dream about as children but rarely actually live? I don't want to have to tell Jem about my feelings toward Will. I feel that it would only hurt him, especially after his misconception about what he read earlier. But if I don't, I may only be leading him on. That is something that I surely don't want. But how to tell him that it's not him that I love, but rather Will? Oh, why couldn't I love someone like Jem instead of Will? He is so kind and caring. I can only wonder what would have happened if it had been Jem that had come to my rescue at Black House. Would everything be different right now? Would I be writing about my love of Jem and my worries about how to let Will know without tearing his heart to pieces? I suppose I'll never know.
The words began to stick and tears to flow.
Jem stared at the page in shock. He had come to a false conclusion when he had read earlier. His eyes begin to water, but he didn't stop the tears as they welled up in his silver eyes and slowly made their way down his cheeks. Eventually, they stopped and Jem placed Tessa's diary back where he had picked it up from.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
How Jem had missed the true meaning behind her words was hard to know. He had jumped to a conclusion and assumed that the person she had talked of loving could only have been himself.
The love she'd waited for was someone else, not me.
It was now evident to Jem that the person she had been speaking of the entire time had in fact been William, not him. Jem felt a pain in his chest as he turned away from Tessa for the final time. He walked away, but this time, not back toward the Institute. He made his way toward the streets of London.
And as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife,
All the sweet things she can find,
Jem realized, as he walked through the crowded streets, that his dream from earlier would most likely come true, but that his place would be filled with another. And so easily Will seemed to fit in that part. He hoped she could find as much love and goodness in Will's heart as Jem believed there was. Perhaps she could fill his heart with more goodness than he already had. If that happened, Jem supposed he would never know.
All the sweet things they can find.
Jem wished his parabatai the best in his mind and he melded in with the groups of people in London and walked down the sidewalks to a finish that he could not know the outcome of.