A/N: This is based on the song 'I swear this time I mean it' by Mayday Parade. Normal font is the present day/Italics is the past/Bold are song lyrics
Hope you enjoy it. :)
Logan rolled over and had to quickly catch himself as not to fall off the couch and to the floor. Right, he was lying on the couch in the living room. The blond man tiredly reached over to the small couch table and snatched up his phone to check the time. 4.30am. Way too late to be still awake and way too early to be up already.
He felt horrible; his whole body ached from the awkward way he lay on the couch. Logan had been tossing and turning for quite a while, just like every single night in the past week, not able to really go to sleep. Exhaustion was hanging over him like a dark cloud.
There was so much on his mind, so many things going through his head, keeping him awake. The worst thing was the unfamiliar feeling of sleeping alone. For the past couple of years he had always had his boyfriend to hold and to snuggle close to.
Well, he had certainly messed that up. How could he have been so stupid as to jeopardize his future with the man he loved, the man who was his best friend, who knew all of his secrets and who he trusted completely? He wished everything could go back to normal, back to the time when his boyfriend had trusted him just as much. The other man was sleeping in the other room, their bedroom, so close and yet so far away.
Getting up slowly, Logan shivered in the coldness of the room. At least this time he could physically feel the cold on his skin as opposed to the cold atmosphere that hung threateningly and cruel between the two of them whenever they were in the same room. Well, them being in the same room for more than a couple of minutes had become a rare occurrence. The moment Logan walked into the door his boyfriend found a stupid reason to hide in their bedroom, claiming to be busy with work.
Stretching his muscles, the blond winced; sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks was taking its toll on him. Two weeks. Two weeks of silence and coldness and stares full of hate. If that was any way to go by he was sure that he was in for even more nights on the couch.
To be honest Logan would rather have his boyfriend yell at him and start an honest to god fight for what he did than being ignored. Being ignored meant that the man in the other room didn't care enough to even try and forgive him or even give him the chance to fix everything. Starting a fight and yelling would mean that he was angry, hurt and hated him. Those were strong feelings and emotions and their love and relationship had always been dangerously close to very strong emotions and that definitely included hate in some moments.
Logan sighed, he really missed his boyfriend. Not only the purely physical aspect but he missed talking to him. They were so much more than lovers; they were first and foremost best friends. They had been for a long time. Even a simple conversation about how their day had been seemed like something so special and precious at the moment. He longed for the feeling of the smaller man lying in his arms, just holding onto each other and enjoying the warmth.
His feet carried him almost on their own accord towards their bedroom. Hesitating for a moment, Logan reached for the door handle and silently opened it. Stepping quickly inside he closed it behind him without making a sound.
The only light in the room was the moonlight shining through the large window, highlighting the sleeping form of his boyfriend. He always looked so peaceful and at ease when he was asleep; like nothing in the world was wrong.
Slowly Logan crept closer to the bed and sighed. Why had he done it? Seeing his gorgeous boyfriend, his features illuminated by the pale moonlight, felt like a hard punch into his stomach. Like he couldn't breathe and was drowning in his guilt.
Carefully he sat down on the bed next to the sleeping man, trying not to jostle the bed too much; afraid to wake him, afraid to lose this moment, the only time he was able to be with him at the moment.
He had snuck into the room every night since the big fight. Every minute that he had been at home by himself, had been spent in their bed breathing in the scent of his boyfriend lingering on the pillows.
Reaching out, Logan brushed some hair out of the smaller man's face, longing for skin contact but too afraid to wake him up. He could sit here all night, watching him, hoping that they'll be alright. That he'd be forgiven for hurting the love of his life, that he would get a chance to make everything right.
Logan sighed and before he could stop himself he started singing the words to a song that had been on his mind for the past week as he let the memories wash over him.
Oh Florida please be still tonight don't disturb this love of mine
Look how he's so serene, you've gotta help me out
And count the stars to form the lines and find the words we'll sing in time
I wanna keep him dreaming it's my one wish I won't forget this
I'm outdated, overrated, morning seems so far away
So I'll sing a melody and hope to God he's listening sleeping softly while I sing
And I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right
"Why Logan? Why would you do that to me? Am I not enough for you?"
"Jules, I'm sorry, I was stupid."
"Damn straight, you're an asshole. I should've known. Should've known that you're still the very same egoistical prick you were at school. I thought that after five years we were actually on the same page here. I thought you were in as deep as I am," the actor shouted at him from across the room.
"I am. Jules, you are more important than anything. It meant nothing. I love you, Ju, please."
Julian turned around, sadness and hurt in his eyes and looked back at him.
"Jules, no, don't do that. It doesn't matter. He means nothing to me. You are the one I love."
The smaller boy huffed.
"Yeah, clearly. You fucking cheated on me Logan but you still claim that you care about me? Do you even hear yourself talking? It matters to me. Who was it?" Julian repeated; fire and hatred now accompanied the hurt in his eyes.
Logan caught himself wondering for a moment if it was an actor thing to be able to show so many emotions at once.
"Fuck, Logan. I want to know."
"No, you have no right to say anything else. Just tell me who you fucked."
"No! Who was it?"Logan shrunk back. He had never seen Julian so angry and it scared him. Dropping his gaze to the floor he quickly mumbled the name; still hoping that Julian would let it go.
"What was that?" Of course he wouldn't be so lucky. Looking back up at his boyfriend he tried to convey through his eyes how sorry he was.
"Blaine," he whispered, his voice breaking.
Silence. Julian stood still, eyes wide open, staring at Logan.
"W-W-What?" his voice was low and full of sadness.
"I'm so sorry, Jules. It…I...I never wanted that. I love you, please…"
"You did not only cheat on me but you cheated on me with your ex-boyfriend from school? The one who broke your heart? The one you were pining over for so long?" Julian's voice rose again. "Are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe I'm so stupid."
"No, Jules, you're not stupid. It's all my fault. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"
"After all this time you still choose Anderson over me?"
"What? No, Ju, I didn't…I want you. I need you."
"You fucked Anderson. The minute you two hooked up you choose him over me again. I'm so sick of being second choice."
"You're not. Jules, please. It was stupid and I've never regretted anything so much in my life."
"I hope it was worth it because you just ruined everything we had."
"NO! You need to go. Get out of here. At least for the next couple of hours, I don't want to see you right now."
"Please, talk to me. I want to fix this… I…"
"I said: Get the fuck out Logan. I can't look at you any longer. You destroyed everything." With that Julian turned around and ran into their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.
It took Logan a few seconds before he could move. Tears glistening in his eyes, the blond turned around, grabbed his keys and left the apartment.
If luck is on my side tonight, my clumsy tongue will make it right
And risk the touch it isn't much but it's enough
To form imaginary lines, forget your scars we'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh God please make this last
Cause I'm outdated, overrated, morning seems so far away
So I'll sing a melody and hope to god he's listening sleeping softly while I sing
And I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right
Could get it right
Logan tried to blink back the tears that were once more threatening to spill over when he came back to the present day. He had cried so much since he had walked out of the door two weeks ago that it surprised him that he could still tear up. Nothing in his life had ever been so painful, so emotionally draining.
He remembered leaving their apartment building that evening, and wandering through the city aimlessly for hours; fighting the urge to just hurry back and try to convince Julian to forgive him. But he had known that the actor needed time to calm down and to process everything. Logan had told him about how he met Blaine at a local coffee shop and they had started talking. Blaine had told him that Kurt had broken up with him to be on Broadway. Something about the sadness in the smaller boy had tugged hard on Logan's heart. He had after all loved the boy a long time ago.
Julian had been out of town for a movie shoot at the time and Logan and Blaine had decided to go to a club together, as friends. Somewhere between having too many drinks and missing Julian it had happened. It hadn't been special, it hadn't been good. It had been a quickie in a bathroom stall, as simple as that.
Logan groaned. How could he have been so stupid? Throwing away everything they've had for…for a quickie. Tears spilled over as darker thoughts entered his mind.
He needed Julian. Needed him like he needed air, maybe even more. He would do anything for him without having to think about it twice. Julian was the best thing that had ever happened to him. The actor had saved him in so many ways and he was so grateful for every single second he got to spend with him. With Julian around Logan never felt the need to take his pills. Julian's presence or even the thought that the other man was his calmed his temper and made him feel content with his life for once.
Logan couldn't imagine losing Julian. It was too painful to picture a life without the actor. They weren't perfect; actually they were pretty far away from being perfect. There were almost daily discussions about who brought out the trash, who had to do the dishes, whose turn it was to cook for them or even who was the big spoon and who was the little spoon in bed. Logan was driving Julian insane with leaving his wet towels on the floor of their bathroom while Logan was equally irritated by Julian's habit of simply throwing his jacket and sunglasses on the couch and leaving them there when he came home.
But underneath everything they loved each other more than anything else in the world. Logan knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Julian, even if that made him seem sappy and soft. Losing Julian would crush him and he wasn't sure he would be able to stand it.
And you could crush me, but please don't crush me
'Cause baby I'm a dreamer for sure
And I won't let you down
I swear this time I mean it
And I'll sing a melody and hope to God she's listening sleeping softly while I sing
And I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right.
Wiping the tears away with the back of his hand, Logan finished singing, his voice breaking on the last few words. Almost everything he had wanted to say had been said with the song. He loved Julian more than anything in the world and he couldn't feel guiltier about what he did to him. If this was really it, the end of his happiness, then he needed to lay everything out on the table. Even when Julian was asleep and would never hear what he had to say, it was a weird comfort thinking about telling Julian all the things he had always been afraid to say before, before it was too late. Before Julian decided to end the relationship and leave him alone and broken.
Logan carefully reached out for Julian's hand, laying his on top carefully and trying not to put too much pressure on it, afraid of waking him up.
"Jules…." His voice was hoarse and raspy with emotions, "Jules… I know that I've said it every day for the past two weeks but I feel like I can't say it enough. I am truly sorry. I messed up. You know me, that's the one thing I seem to be really good at. I never meant to hurt you and I can't stand seeing the sadness in your eyes because you are too beautiful to be so sad. What makes it even worse is that I know that I caused the sadness and I'd give anything to take it away.
I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone ever before. The moment I found out that you were not only bisexual but also had feelings for me was the best thing that ever happened to me. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that we had a rough time in the beginning and I know that I fucked up a lot but you decided to stick around. For the first time ever I felt like I was worth something. When I was with you I didn't need the stupid pills to keep me calm because all I needed was you.
So much has changed in the past five years and yet there is one constant in my life keeping me grounded and that constant is you. Every single day I wake up and can't believe that you are still lying next to me, that you still love me and put up with everything I do." Logan smiled to himself. "I know that you hate that I leave my wet towels on the floor or that I get sarcastic when something is bothering me or how I tell you to leave me alone when I'm angry although all I ever want is for you to hold me. You put up with everything and I'm so grateful for every single second I get to spend with you.
Jules, you are my best friend and you take me the way I am without ever complaining. I don't know what I've done to deserve someone as perfect as you. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. I love that no matter how hard your day on set was you always come home with a smile on your face. I love that you can cook like a perfect chef. I love that you never once tried to change me. I love that after all these years I can still make you uncomfortable by giving you compliments. I love the way you smell and I love the way you feel wrapped up in my arms. I just... I love you so much that it almost hurts. I've been so stupid and I'll regret it forever.
I've had this idea... well, it's not really an idea anymore because I've already done almost everything for this idea to become real. I love you, Jules, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you because I've never been happier than I am with you. Derek would probably laugh at me for this but I have this image of us living in a big house, with a large backyard and maybe a couple of kids running around. Our kids. Jules...I have this image of our future where we're married and we've got kids and everything is the way it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be you and me..." His voice broke once more as new tears spilled over his cheeks.
"I love you more than you'll ever understand because you are the one who saved me from myself. No matter what happens in the future I will always love you and be grateful for the time I spent with you because you made me a better man by loving me. I love you Jules and all I want is for you to be happy. If that means that I've got to let you go than I'll do it no matter how much it hurts because you are more important." Logan slowly leaned down and pressed a soft kiss into the sleeping man's hair. When he straightened up he pulled his hand away from Julian's and was turning around when something caught his wrist.
Logan turned around so quickly that he almost lost his balance. Eyes wide he looked down at his wrist where Julian was holding him tightly. His eyes landed on the familiar hazel ones that were glistening with unshed tears. For a long time the two men just looked at each other, Julian still holding on to Logan's wrist, keeping him trapped.
"Jules..." the blond began after what seemed like an eternity.
"Shhh..." Julian shushed him. "I know. I heard..." Both men couldn't take their eyes off of the other neither one wanted to lose this intimate moment lingering between them.
"I'm so sorry." Logan sighed, hoping that Julian would forgive him. But when the other man didn't say a word he felt coldness seep into his every pore. He felt so helpless and alone. "I'm sorry if I woke you up. I'm just going to go back to the couch. Sleep well." Logan made to turn around once more but was once again stopped by the tight grip on his wrist.
"Stay..." Julian whispered, scooting over a bit to make room for Logan. It took Logan a few seconds to realise that Julian really wanted him to stay but then he quickly slid under the covers next to his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Breathing Julian in, Logan felt all the tension that had built up in the past two weeks leave his body instantly.
This was where he belonged, where he wanted to stay for the rest of his life.
"I love you, Jules."
"I love you, too."
Pressing another kiss into Julian's hair Logan slowly fell asleep. His last thought was that maybe he still had the chance to live his fantasy of being married and having children with Julian.