Legolas and Haldir's Rather Strange Day
main characters: Legolas and Haldir. OFC. Cameos by many, including
Elrond, Glorfindel, Celeborn and Orcs
Disclaimer: I don't own this. Tolkien would not approve and is
probably plotting against me from the grave. *looks around nervously*
I mean no harm, really. Just having a spot of fun.
Acknowledgement to all the talented members of Monty Python, a group
that continues to inspire me. The same for the late Douglas Adams.
Thanks to you I'll always know where my towel is and I will never
They had been back at Imladris for five days now. Five days of mind numbing, butt numbing meetings in council . Legolas and Haldir were
certain they would go berserk; and by arrow and sword, there would surely be another kin slaying. Ai, Valar they needed a break. So
very early, long before dawn, at a time when most respectable Elves and Men were at repose, Legolas left a note on the door of Elrond's
room, and he and Haldir took off for some much needed time in the woods. They had bread, fruit, cheese and several bottles of Elrond's
finest and most potent wines.
"I cannot believe this was not my idea, Legolas, it is such a good one." Haldir cut a chunk of cheese, tore off a piece of bread and
passed the rest to Legolas.
Legolas chuckled. "High praise indeed, Haldir. Perhaps I will let you take credit when we return to Imladris."
Legolas opened one of the bottles of wine, took a swig, then handed the bottle to Haldir. They walked in the woods, not going any
particular place, just feeling their kinship with the trees, rolling in the leaves and being, well, silly Elves. They were almost
finished with their third bottle when the idea of a swim occured to them. They piled their clothes and weapons on the shore and went
into the frigid water. They swam a little and played a game of dunk the Elf. They were drunk and making so much noise splashing around
that they did not notice the arrival of a party of three riders until one spoke.
Legolas and Haldir jumped. Not just because they had not heard the riders approach, but also because the one addressing them
was a woman.
"Pedich Edhellen*?" Haldir asked. Not only was the one speaking a woman, her two companions were as well.
"Nay. Just the odd phrase. I am Berwyn. These are my sisters-in-arms, Hedwyth and Gywndil. We are part of the Orc Resettlement
Project. We are establishing an agrarian collective here."
"What in Elbereth's name is the Orc Resettlement Project?"
"It is a group dedicated to the resettlement of Orcs, away from Mordor and Sauron's influence, teaching them a more peaceful way of
"You're a thundering loony!" Haldir could not believe his ears.
"Well, you are drunk. And naked."
"Yes. But I will not always be so. You, my Lady, will always be a thundering loony. Do you not know where you are? This is Imladris,
Rivendell in your tongue. The Last Homely House. Elrond's place. Orcs are not welcome here." Haldir walked out of the river, Legolas
following him. The women blushed. Legolas noticed the two women accompanying Berwyn had their gaze directed upon his Elfhood. He
felt like they were taking his measurement. In fact he could tell they were.
"I guess it's not true what they say about Elves." said Gwyndil. "I'm terribly disappointed."
"The water is very cold." Legloas felt the need to defend his Elfhood.
The two sisters-in-arms giggled. In the meantime, Haldir had managed to pick up his leggings without falling over and was struggling to
put them on, finally falling flat on his ass.
"Do you need someone to help you dress?" Berwyn's manner and tone were on a par with Haldir at his most condescending.
"No, woman. Go away." Haldir looked over at Legolas, who was now eating a pear. "Legolas, get dressed."
Legolas walked over , well he strutted really, and began to get dressed. Slowly. Casting glances back at the other two women.
Hell, there were still parts of the Sexual Secrets of the Elves he had yet to try out.
"You may both get dressed, but I am afraid we cannot let you leave until we have decided whether or not you pose a security risk."
Berwyn picked up their weapons. "We are here to protect and serve the Orc collective".
Haldir's brain tried to get a firm grasp of what the woman said, but her words might just as well have been wriggling eels covered in
oil. "You..protect and serve Orcs?"
"Yes." Berwyn said, as if speaking to a small and not too bright child. "We protect and serve Orcs."
"Orcs are evil. They exist to kill, maim and destroy. There is NOTHING peaceful about them. Did
you suffer from a brain fever as a child?" Haldir shook his head.
"You, Elf, are an arrogant, small minded, bigotted, blonde bonehead. Are not the Orcs descended from your people?"
"A very, very long time ago. They made bad choices and had poor directional sense. They were caught, tortured and warped into foul
playthings for Melkor. My name is not Elf, it is Haldir. Orvelethril!*" Haldir gave her his most disdainful look.
"Well, Haldir, you and your friend, Legolas, I believe it was, " Legolas nodded. "will have to come with us." She gestured with her
sword as her friends made ready their bows. Haldir and Legolas finished dressing. Bewryn tied the reins of her horse to Hedwyth's
horse. Haldir and Legolas walked in front of Gywndil's horse, Berwyn walking behind them with her sword aimed at their backs.
"They took the rest of our wine, Haldir."
"Legolas, if that is the only misfortune we suffer at the hands of these lunatic women, I, for one, will count myself fortunate. We
must get back and let Elrond know what is going on."
"You know, I think Gwyndil rather fancies me."
Haldir let loose with a string of particularly virulent curses. Even the trees looked embarrassed. "Legolas, would you kindly stop
thinking with the little head for the time being. We need to escape."
"I am not little. I'll put my Elfhood up against yours any day."
Haldir rubbed his temples. *Why me* he asked himself. "That is not what I meant. Anyway, I've seen you naked. There is no comparison."
"Really? Prove it, oh arrogant one."
Legolas stopped and lowered his leggings. "Why not? I want this settled."
"Legolas, you are drunk. I am drunk. Let us settle this another time. In another place."
"Ai. For Elbereth's sake. If it will shut you up." Haldir took down his own leggings. Before the contest could begin though, Berwyn
walked up to see what the holdup was. She couldn't believe her eyes.
"Ai. What are you doing? We don't have time for this." She smacked them both hard with the flat of her sword, causing Haldir and
Legolas to pull their leggings back up with great haste. "Males." she snorted. "Be they Men, Elves or Dwarves, are all the same.
"Did she just compare me to a Dwarf, Legolas?"
"I don't think it was meant to be taken that way."
"Better not have been." Haldir gave Berwyn a dark look.
It was about a half hour's walk to the collective. Haldir and Legolas did not know how to process what their eyes were seeing.
There were about ten Orcs. They were clearing land, setting up fields, singing cheery Orc songs about killing and maiming and
chopping down trees. Of course, no one understood, not even Haldir. But he could tell they were not songs of a peaceful agrarian
"Greetings, Berwyn. You've brought Elves with you. Don't know what we can do with them. They're adults, too tough to eat. Maybe they
might be good for a little sport, if you know what I mean." The Orc winked at Legolas, who blanched.
"Stop that. I brought them here to show that you are no threat to them and you are NOT helping matters."
Haldir glared at the Orc. "You do know that you are setting up your collective in Imladris, do you not?"
"What? Where is Orzgul?" The Orc Spokesman yelled. When the Orc in question arrived, he took his shovel and hit him upside the
head. "Orzgul you fool! You read the map wrong." He continued to whack him with the shovel until Berwyn stopped him. "My apologies,
Elf. We will of course move."
"Well, your kind never was very good at telling direction."
"This will be a setback, but I do not need the blonde bitch with the big sword descending upon us."
"Blonde bitch. Oh, you mean Glorfindel." Haldir suppressed a chuckle. "Yes, that would be bad."
"An Orc's life in Mordor is no life at all. Lousy food, lousy working conditions, no sick leave, no vacations. Don't even get me
started on the lack of medical and dental. This agricultural collective means we work for ourselves."
Haldir nodded, not really listening. "Well, this all sounds very interesting, but we need to return home now. It's been.." Haldir did
not know how to finish the sentence, so he didn't. He grabbed Legolas by the arm, they retrieved the last two bottles of wine and
they started on the long walk back.
Celeborn could hear Elrond's profane ranting as he handed his horse off to his escort and made his way up to the house. Glorfindel was
sitting outside, holding a glass of wine. "Mae govannen, Glorfindel."
"Mae govannen, Celeborn." The two friends clasped each others shoulders in greeting. "I apologize for Elrond's ranting. He's been
doing it all day. I would've thought he'd be hoarse by now. We have been in the most tiresome meetings since our return; even Erestor
fell asleep at one point. We might have finished today had it not been for the absence of our linguist."
"But I thought Haldir was here? It is why I came. To check up on him and get a report from you about the trip. Well, also to get away
from Galadriel for a while."
"He and Legolas snuck out long before daylight this morning, to spend the day somewhere more stimulating."
"Ah. I see. I suppose I will need to have a talk with him when he returns. Did things go smoothly during the trip?"
Glorfindel proceded to give Celeborn a complete accounting of the trip to visit the Dwarves, leaving none of Haldir's transgressions
out. "He is, as you told me, as obstinate, rude and arrogant now as he was as an elfling. I am equally obstinate, and some say,
arrogant. I have no doubt about my ability, given time, to tame Haldir. I suggest you leave him here for a season or two."
"Orophin and Rumil are competent enough to fill in for Haldir. He is yours, mellon-nin*. Just don't kill him."
About a half hour later, Haldir and Legolas arrived, finishing the last of the wine. Elrond came storming out to meet them. "Where have
you two been?" He noticed the bottles. "Is that my best wine?"
"That was your best wine. The bottles, sadly, are empty." Legolas grinned at Elrond.
"By the Valar, you are drunk. Both of you." Elrond glared at them, his amazing eyebrows twitching. "Do you know that because you were
gone, we will have to continue these damned meetings tomorrow, Haldir? Have you anything to say for yourself?"
Haldir cursed, then he remembered the Orcs. "Well, for your information, while you were having your meeting, Legolas and I
discovered Orcs. Farming Orcs. In Imladris." He could read the disbelief in Elrond's expression. "No, they were not after effects
from your excellent wine. And there were these women in armour on horses who were there to protect and serve the Orcs." Glorfindel and
Celeborn were now staring at them unbelievingly as well. "They said they represented something called the Orc Resettlement Project."
"Oh, yes." Glorfindel said. "I've heard of them. Bunch of thundering loonies."
"I said the same. The head Orc called you a blonde bitch with a big sword and jabbered about working conditions and poor pay and the
wonders of collective living. I feigned interest, just like a diplomat. You would have been proud. I told them they would have to
relocate, but you might want to send a group out to hurry them along."
"I will, indeed." Elrond looked over at Legolas, who was now sitting on the ground, singing into his empty wine bottle. "I think I should
get Legolas into a warm bath and then bed. You will both be expected at the meeting tomorrow."
Celeborn took Haldir's arm. "I will make certain Haldir is there." He escorted Haldir back to his room.
With their linguist present, the Council was finally able to finish their business. Celeborn remained in Imladris for several days, not
in any hurry to return. Galadriel was on another of her redecorating binges again. Haldir and Glorfindel resumed their battle of wills.
Legolas returned to the area where the Orc collective had been, but they and their protectors were long gone. So he returned to Imladris
and wrote a lay about them, which he made everyone listen to, much to their annoyance.
As for Berwyn, Hedwyth and Gwyndil? Berwyn settled down with Orzgul, the Orc with no sense of direction. Hedwyth and Gwyndil became part
of a prostitution cooperative that specialized in serving Elves and had good medical, dental and profit sharing as well.
*Mae govannen - Well met
*Mellon-nin - My friend
*Orvelethril! - Orc lover
*Pedich Edhellen? - Do you speak Elvish?