Author's note: It's been years since I've written my last DBZ fic. I remember having a lot of fun writing them. One individual I would always poke fun at was our favorite, one and only Vegeta! His reactions make for great fanfic moments. I mean c'mon... he's the perfect fellow! Just get a funny incident, throw in some Veggie, and you got gold! Don't get me wrong, I love Vegeta... but I also love to torture him a little ^o^
Oh shit! Bulma's coming! Oh shit! You didn't hear anything from me! Enjoy the fic!
Also, just for the record, I'm calling saiyans "saiyajins", after the japanese pronunciation. Same goes for calling Goku "Kakarotto" instead of Kakarot. I might change that in upcoming chapters depending on how I feel. I'll be sure to let you know!
Veggie in Wonderland!
It was a beautiful spring day. The sky was filled with rich, fluffy clouds in a brilliant sea of blue. The birds were chirping, the cows were mooing, and the rabbits were breeding like no tomorrow...
Wait a minute! What the-?
Um, let's move on to another scene, shall we?
This is the story of a saiyajin named Vegeta, and how he got lost one day exploring the dark woods 5 feet from his home looking for his son, Trunks, and his idiot rival's son, Goten. As for why on earth Vegeta was looking for his idiot rival's son, he had no idea. To be frank, Vegeta could care less. In fact, he could care less about his own son for that matter! The boy was a nuisance and a menace to society, always whining here and complaining there about the pettiest of things. They kid did not have much of an interest for training, to the dislike of his father. The only thing the brat cared about was having fun! Vegeta would not know what "fun" was even if it leapt up and bit him in the rear. Not that it would want to, mind you.
If his wife was not around, Vegeta would not be out here, lost in the dark woods, all by his lonesome self, looking for the two brats. It was a pure waste of time, according to him. The precious time he was spending searching for the runts, he could have been training! If only there were some sort of saiyajin-proof leash, child-sized, that those kids could've been hooked up to (Vegeta actually proposed the idea to Bulma about a month ago after Trunks dumped itching powder all over his father's training wear. Vegeta had gotten so furious with his son over the incident that it resulted in a around-the-world "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" game of chase).
Oh, he'd be so happy if such an item were invented! He would feel a huge weight off of his shoulders. Bulma would certainly be less stressed out, too; she'd be much livelier (instead of being dead as a rusty door nail) and a feisty fox (instead of a weathered-out bitch). Vegeta would then want to spend more time with her instead of spending time avoiding her. Their bedroom would become their sacred, holy ground. Oh yeah.
Vegeta shook his head. He wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth and brushed the thoughts from his mind. At the present moment, he was lost in the dark, dark, woods, for crying out loud. He had more important things to worry about, such as rabid squirrels: one time, Trunks thought it would be a riot to chuck in squirrels, along with Goten, into the shower while his dad was washing himself. Trunks managed to run away, the squirrels bit Vegeta all over his body, and Goten was traumatized… along with Vegeta. It was really difficult to say which of the two were scarred more.
Since then, old veggie-head had never been the same around squirrels.
So yes, back to the dark, dark, woods.
The woods indeed were very, very dark. Vegeta had no idea if he was walking around in circles. At one point, he could have sworn he had passed one particular rock at least three times. Now, you may be wondering why Vegeta is walking around the woods. Although the reason was already explained, you, the reader, must be thinking to yourself "That doofus can fly!" Of course he can! But the woods he was currently lost in are not ordinary woods; they are magical woods! They are magically un-magical! Vegeta could indeed fly at any time he wanted, but his mind was focused on other unimportant matters instead of the obvious. Let's not forget this is Vegeta we're talking about here.
"This is the 8th freaking time I passed that rock! I must be going around in circles!" Vegeta yelled out in frustration to no one in particular. He raised his foot and stomped down hard, crushing the rock with relative ease and leaving behind a decent-sized crater. Folding his arms across his chest, he looked at the area about him. Far as the eye could see - assuming one has 20/20 vision - trees dotted the earthy floor, their roots branching up and out of the ground like ancient snakes awakening from a deep sleep and arching their long, slender bodies. They towered tall, the trees, and cast everything below the canopy in blanket of shadows. Vegeta felt the hairs on his arm and neck stand tall. "Hmph," he huffed, "This is mere child's play compared to the time when the woman of that idiot, Kakarotto, put him on a diet for a month. The fool made what's-his-face, the Hulk, seem like the Jolly Green Giant." Vegeta shuddered at the memory.
Also, perhaps not fully realizing it himself, Vegeta was also casting a quick glance up at the forest branches every now and then for something small and furry.
"Late! Late! Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be LAAAATE!"
"What the-?" Vegeta turned to what he assumed was the source of the strange voice he had heard. Odd it sounded, yet somewhat familiar…
"For Christ's sake, shut the hell up!" Vegeta roared. His patience was long gone thanks to a certain, now departed rock. He raised one arm up and straightened it out, back of hand pulled back and palm facing forward. He aimed the appendage to the source of the cry, yelled "BIG BANG ATTACK!", and fired the huge ki blast. The blast of energy shot forth from his palm in a brilliant, bright display of light, engulfing the surrounding area in intense rays for a mere second and a half. A gargantuous explosion erupted from the site of impact, casting a fierce rain of jagged rock shards and miscellaneous bits of debris to fall about. As the dust began to slowly clear, the area began to unravel itself. Only one tree had remained from the blast, although it was upturned and split in two. Everything else was practically unrecognizable.
Vegeta still held his arm up, prepared to fire yet another powerful ki blast. A smirk washed over his face as he surveyed around him. He felt a little better. As he lowered his arm, turned around, and began to walk away, the same voice he heard just moments before peeped up again.
"Holy frick, I'm going to be late! Hey… where's my hole?"
(I'll give you a 'hole' you little-), Vegeta grumbled in his thoughts. His right leg muscles tensed, ready to create "the hole" the moment he saw the individual scamper by.
Suddenly, a quick pass of something soft brushed by Vegeta's legs. Still having his thoughts on ways of delivering "the hole", Vegeta was caught off guard by the sudden touch. He yelped, and sprung several yards into the air.
He landed almost gracefully were it not for a small, golden ticking object being, unfortunately, in the way. It cracked into numerous pieces under Vegeta's weight.
"Argh!" Vegeta humorously slipped on a few golden shards. He landed on his back with a loud thump. His neck quickly snapped back and smacked against the hard rocky floor.
The world before him turned into a blurry mess except for a group of birds hovering above, casually tweeting the day away.
A small, unrecognizable figure hopped close to Vegeta. It tilted its head curiously, mumbled something to itself, then hopped out of Vegeta's field of vision. The figure returned moments later. Although Vegeta was somewhat dazed, he still felt something jabbing him in the side.
"Huh," the familiar voice said. Vegeta then felt two more jabbing pains to his side, each done quickly. He groaned.
"Oh man…There goes the new watch I just bought!" the voice whined.
"And it was limited edition too! This stinks!"
Vegeta didn't have an ounce of concern for the watch he crushed. He slowly opened his eyes and looked over to his right. He couldn't believe what he saw before him: Kakarotto, or Goku, eyebrows furrowed and face frowning, was dressed in the oddest attire Vegeta had ever set eyes on. Though Vegeta had thought he was seeing things, Kakarotto had a pair of tall, fuzzy white bunny ears on his head and what appeared to be a big white cotton ball attached above his rear.
(How hard did I hit my head?) Vegeta grumbled in his thoughts. He slowly picked himself up and clutched his head in one hand, swaggering a bit on his feet.
"You bastard! I hate you!" The Goku-looking individual pointed a finger accusingly as the saiyajin prince. His white rabbit ears bent back in agitation. Vegeta cocked an eyebrow in bewilderment. No, it couldn't have been the slight bump on his head causing these delusions, he concluded. Something stronger, much more powerful, could have exerted such a weird vision on Vegeta.
While the Goku-bunny ranted on and on like a broken record about his beloved, now-destroyed gold watch (and placing the entire blame on Vegeta who was paying not much attention), a thought struck the saiyajin prince as to the cause of the scene before him: food posioning. That was it. There was not other explanation. He must had devoured something foul and wretched which was playing tricks on his mind. (Bulma's cooking,) Vegeta growled. He knew her cooking always tasted like deep-fried, regurgitated dino chunks. The last meal of hers he consumed was especially horrible; it didn't take like prehistoric animal chunks, but more along the lines of discolored, expired beluga milk smothered in rotten fish oil and topped with decaying, dead seagull bits. Delicious.
"Will you SHUT THE HELL UP?" Vegeta roared at the Goku-bunny. His counterpart froze in place, surprised by the other's sudden angry outburst. Frankly, the constant flapping of lips and moving about had long given the saiyajin prince an intense headache. It had gotten to a point where Vegeta had felt that at any second, his mind would explode in a pink, brainy gooey mess.
The Goku-bunny's pupils enlarged three times their regular size and began to water. His lips frowned and began to tremble, a slight whimper escaping them.
Vegeta was not going to fall for the water works.
"Oh no. That isn't going to work on me!" And to prove his point, Vegeta dashed over to Goku and, without any hint of hesitation whatsoever, brought a foot back and snapped it forward to its intended target.
The Goku-bunny shot like a rocket into the air and was quickly out of sight.
Vegeta place a hand on his hip victoriously. "Score one for Vegeta, and zero for Kakarotto. Huzzuh," he grinned evily.
Night had by now came swiftly and silently. Trunks and Goten were still nowhere to be found. Vegeta had wanted to call the search quits long ago, but the thought of an enraged certain blue-haired female, eyes glowing red in his thoughts like a demon, continually haunted Vegeta's mind. It wasn't her strength that the saiyajin warrior was afraid of. No.
It was the woman's unceasing nagging that scared the crap out of him.
"Ugh," Vegeta heeved a huge sigh. "How much longer do I have to be out here looking for those two brats? He bent over and picked up a small rock lying next to his left foot. Lifting his head up and looking up into the clear, starry night sky, Vegeta threw the rock high into the air with sheer speed and power. With frightening reflexes, the saiyajin prince shot a small ki blast at the tiny projectile (which was still climbing higher and higher in height from being thrown).
The rock, hard to see due to its size and how high up in the air it was, was struck dead on with pin-point accuracy. It exploded in a shower of light.
Vegeta grinned at the bright display, pleased by his increase of speed. The grin quickly left his face as fast as the firework display in the night sky had faded from view.
(Still bored), he thought to himself.
Just then, something small and furry brushed past Vegeta's legs.
"ARGH!" Vegeta fell backwards and tripped over a boulder (how is tripping over a boulder even possible? With Veggie-head, it's possible). Unfortunately for him, the boulder was resting near the top of a huge hill, a hill that was littered with thorny bushes and a few batches of poison ivy growing here and there.
Vegeta comically rolled down the hill, grunting and cursing along the way.
"GO-oww-D-oww-DA-oww-MN-oww-IT!" words that shouldn't really grace a respectable fellow's ears spilled from Vegeta's mouth as he continued tumbling down the hill. Amid the cursing, Vegeta somehow took the time to make a mental note that if gravity were ever personified by any remote chance, he would make certain it would have it's ass kicked so hard, it would break any sane law of science and find itself traveling through time, preferably to the early Cretaceous period. The Dark Ages were reserved for a fellow air-head rival of his.
The hill gradually began to level out. This didn't mean poor Veggie stopped tumbling about like a tumble weed. Once Vegeta was off the slope of the hill, he rolled a bit on the flat, level surface at the base of the hill. Suddenly, when he had expected to hit something and come to an abrupt stop, Vegeta felt himself roll off of the ground and start to fall into emptiness - a dark void.
Taking one deep breath, our saiyajin prince, in the second time of his life (the first being the squirrel-in-shower-incident) let loose a blood-curdling scream... which sounded very feminine, despite coming from a fully grown adult man.
Bit by bit, the girlish scream slowly started to fade away into silence.
A small shadow popped up near the top of the hill, overlooking the direction Vegeta fell towards. The creature twitched its ears and flicked a small, bushy tail. Upon closer inspection, the mysterious figure took the form of a common woodland animal, a squirrel.
It lifted an acorn in its paws and nibbled on the top of it. Satisfied with its share, the squirrel gently placed the acorn next to itself. A devilish grin washed over its furry face. Tiny, beady eyes turned from ebony to a glowing red.
"Hee hee!" it snickered in triumph. Revenge at last.
Revenge for what, you're wondering? Why, revenge for almost having its life killed by a certain sadistic alien prince. If you turn back the clock to that prank where Trunks had thrown a squirrel onto his dad while he was taking a shower, Vegeta had freaked out and went after his son, the only thought repeating over and over in his mind was "DEATH!" (would Veggie really kill Trunks, his son? Let me put it this way... is Goku a freakin' pig when it comes to eating insane amounts of food? There's your answer). Unfortunately, the poor squirrel had gotten caught in the first couple of minutes of the fiasco. Vegeta had gone ape-shit, shooting ki blasts at Trunks, and didn't give a damn where said ki blasts had hit. The squirrel had several close calls with those ki blasts - the fuzzy thing almost wound up being fried! Fortunately, luck finally had closed in and gave it a helping hand, eventually leading to the squirrel being spared ki blasts of death and fleeing the chaotic scene.
Ever since that incident, deep in a hole in a tree in the very forest Vegeta was in, the squirrel plotted revenge.
Revenge! A dish best served cold, so they say! Ah, screw it. Just stick Revenge in a microwave for three minutes on high and it'll be fine.
The squirrel squeaked its approval upon Vegeta's outcome. It turned around to leave but just before it was going to go back out into the dead of night, it turned back around, raised a furry paw, and stuck up a tiny finger in Vegeta's direction.
Yep. Revenge tastes good after its microwaved.
To be continued!