Important (Sort of, not really) Author's Note-
So I don't know if you noticed, but three of my stories got deleted by the website. I'm guessing it was because they got reported a while ago, but I don't know, because that was two years ago. As a result, I was kicked off of the website for a while. I'll be putting two of the three back up, mainly because those two were prequels to other stories I'm working on now. I'll try to put both up this weekend, but I'll probably only get to one. So be prepared for at least twenty spam e-mails lol
Thank you for reviewing those stories and sticking with me this far, though. It really does mean a lot. : )
Chapter 22: When the Walls Cave In, We Only Have Ourselves to Blame
All I did was widen my eyes in shock. Alex swallowed hard and looked down at the floor. "It was right after we came home from tour," he said just above a whisper. "It was...bloody, and I just..." He shook his head, squinting his eyes closed, and putting his face in his hands. "It was absolutely terrifying."
I didn't know what to say. What the hell are you supposed to say to that? 'I'm sorry for your loss'? That's a bullshit phrase right there. But I did know that I could do one thing and that was try to get him to relax a little. It killed me to see him this way. This pained, saddened; it was just awful.
"Come here." I put an arm around him in a half hug. He moved closer to me, resting his head on my shoulder and closing me in a hug again. I was rubbing his arm up and down, trying to soothe him in that sort of way.
"That was my kid, Spencer," Alex said. "He or she won't even be able to have a chance at life."
"Do they know why she had one?" I asked him.
Alex shrugged. "The doctor said they weren't exactly not common. They don't really have a source. I guess it was just one of those weird things that happens."
"Alex, I'm so sorry," I whispered, laying my head on his.
It was silent after that for a good twenty minutes. I still had no clue what to say, and probably never would know. We stayed like that until I finally asked, "Have you been up all night?"
Alex nodded. "Yup."
"Do you wanna go to sleep?"
"Kinda..." He looked up at me. "Can I stay here?"
"Of course." I nodded. "You can take my bed," I suggested.
He nodded and got up slowly. I followed after him, but went to Jack's room. Quietly, I opened the door to see he was asleep, laying down on his bed on his stomach. I stole some sweatpants from him for Alex, shut the door slowly and softly as I left, and made my way back to my room. Alex was sitting at the end of my bed, rubbing at his eyes with his jacket resting over his lap.
"Here," I said, holding the pants out to him. I shrugged at the confused look he gave me. "They're Jack's."
He mouthed an O. I went over to the door and had my hand on the doorknob. "Let me know if you need anything. I'll be on the couch." The door was cracked, my hand still on the knob, when he stopped me.
"Spencer, will you stay with me, please?" I looked back at him and, even though it was dark and you couldn't see much, I could still see his pained expression that now showed some pleading. Even his voice sounded dark and saddened. "I don't-I don't want to be alone."
I hesitated, but nodded and closed the door. Alex changed his pants first, then crawled into my bed and laid on his side. I got under the covers and laid on my side, too, facing him. Alex sighed and half smiled at me, but it didn't have a whole lot of emotion with it. "Thank you." I nodded again and he scooted over to me, wrapping an arm around my waist. I leaned against his chest, almost as an impulse. "I thought I lost you, too," he whispered.
I shook my head a little. "You haven't. But is Ashley...okay?"
"She's been crying a lot, and has to take some sort of pills, but she should be."
And, me, thinking she was faking the pregnancy the entire time, started to feel like the biggest bitch in the world. But I couldn't think about that right now. "Are you gonna be okay?" I asked him, poking his stomach lightly.
He sighed, closing his eyes. "Eventually. Right now I just wanna stay here with you."
I furrowed my eyebrows, confused more so at my own emotions, but also because I couldn't figure out what he meant either. Because, despite what either of us wanted, right now we weren't together. I couldn't figure out if I was happy that he wanted to stay with me, or if I should say something asking what he meant. Guessing I couldn't really figure out the first without the second one, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I-" he cleared his throat. "I just missed you is all."
There was more to that, I could tell, but I wasn't going to let that bother me right now either. So, all I did was sigh and close my eyes, falling asleep next to him.
The next day, I was at Alex and Rian's house with Jack and Zack here, too. Alex and Ashley were talking in the living room, but Rian, Jack, Zack, and I were playing video games in Rian's room to let them talk. It's been a half hour since she got here and I figured they would be done by now, so I went into the kitchen to get me something to drink.
When I got in there, I heard Alex and Ashley talking quietly. I wasn't going to listen, but I was really curious and nosy, so I hid around the corner to listen and watch. They were sitting next to each other on the couch.
"Are you, like, in pain, or anything?" Alex asked.
"It's just, like, cramps. Nothing different," Ashley replied.
"Are you...okay?" Alex asked, hesitating.
Ashley sighed and it took a while before she answered. "I will be, I hope. I mean, I'm sad, of course, and I feel like it's my fault, but I can't control it."
"It's not your fault," Alex said, putting his hand over hers. "You didn't do anything to hurt the baby, so it was out of your control."
"But it was inside my body," she said. "My body rejected it."
He shook his head, but didn't say anything. I'll be honest, I was kind of on her side. Granted, I've never been pregnant, but I could see what she meant when she said her body rejected the baby.
Another couple of minutes passed and I knew the other guys would start to wonder where I was and come find me, resulting in either me getting caught, Jack making too much noise and interrupting them, or both. But Ashley finally said, "So, what do we do now?"
Alex shrugged, looking at the floor. "I'm not sure."
"What does it mean for...us?" Ashley asked, her voice small and sounding
"Well, I dunno," Alex said. "There's not really a reason for us to be together anymore...is there?"
Ashley bit her lip then shook her head. "No. Not anymore."
Alex nodded. "That's what I thought."
"So," Ashley started. "I guess we're done here?"
"I guess we are."
No more words were said and they were getting up. Thinking quickly, I ducked down behind the counter in the kitchen, but still watched them. The two of them were now over by the door. Ashley put on her jacket, Alex opened the door, and Ashley walked out. She turned around before Alex got the door shut and sighed. "Bye, Alex."
"Bye, Ashley." He shut the door and I watched as he walked down another hallway, turned a corner, and went down the stairs towards the basement, probably to try to write a little.
"What are you doing?"
I jumped, squealed, and looked at Jack. "Um...hey," I said awkwardly and stood up.
"Hi...what were you doing?" He squished his eyebrows together, confused.
I sighed, deciding to be honest. "Spying."
"Need some Mission Impossible music?" He smirked and leaned up against the counter next to us. "Spying on who?"
"Alex and Ashley," I replied.
That made Jack interested, I could tell, because he perked up. "What were they saying?"
"Alex asked her if she was okay, she said she feels like it was her fault, they decided they didn't have any more reasons to be together because she wasn't pregnant anymore, she left, and then Alex went downstairs." I shrugged up at Jack.
"So, you guys can be together now?" Jack asked. "Well, obviously you can, but are you getting back together?"
I swallowed hard, finally admitting something to him. "I don't know if I want to," I mumbled, looking down at my feet.
"What?" Jack lifted my chin with his hand so I would look at him. "Are you crazy?"
"Probably," I sighed.
"Why don't you want to be with him anymore?"
"I said I didn't know if I did or not, Jack," I corrected.
"Yeah, but why?" he pressed.
I shook my head, not wanting to tell him now. "Just forget I said anything. I don't want to talk about this now." I walked around him, making my way back to Rian's room, but he caught my elbow and that turned me back around.
"I do. Spencer, what changed?"
"The night I left the tour." I pulled my arm from his, which wasn't that hard to do because what I said had shocked him. I grabbed my jacket from the back of the couch it was hanging over and walked out the front door. As soon as I got outside, I slipped my jacket on and decided I'd just walk home considering Jack was my ride here.
"Spencer, wait!" I heard Jack shout after me, followed by the front door slamming shut. I didn't turn around, just kept walking down the driveway. "Spencer!" His fingers clasped over my arm, turning me around to face him. "What do you mean? How did that change everything?"
"Because I'm in love with you, damn it!" I yelled, throwing my hands down at my sides. "I've been in love with you!"
"Yeah, you told me that, but-"
"Jack, I don't know if I want to go back to Alex because my feelings for you are in the way. I'm starting to think I love you more and I can't stand seeing you so upset when I'm with Alex because you love me, too! I love you and Alex and it fucking sucks because I'm so damn confused, it's tearing me apart! You said yourself that I would always go back to you once in a while, but I would always love Alex. It's because I love both of you and can't decide who I want! And, that's so fucking true, it scares the fucking crap out of me!" Tears were pouring from my eyes now and I was yelling almost out of desperation. I needed him to understand so, so much for some damn reason that I can't think of.
Jack didn't say anything. I watched his Adam's apple move up and down with a swallow and he opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, just a sigh."Maybe this happened for a reason," I said, talking quietly now. "Maybe I'm not supposed to be with Alex. I don't know." I shook my head and looked up at him. "But I do know that sleeping with you changed everything and I don't know what I want anymore. And, honestly, I'm leaning towards you."
Before I could really comprehend what was happening, he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I was stunned, but kissed him back with pretty much all that I had in me, and for him it was the same. When we broke apart we were both out of breath. "Why did you do that?" I breathed, searching his eyes and closing my fingers over his wrists of the hands that were still holding my face.
"Because he's in love with you, Spencer." Jack and I both looked at the front door to see Alex, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed. "The same reason I kiss you. Because we're both in love with you."
Jack let go of my face, which caused me to let go of his wrists. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and was looking at the ground, chewing his lip. I looked at Alex and said the only thing I could think of. "How much of that did you see?"
"Enough to know that you love Jack more than me," he said with pain evident in his voice.
"I never said that." New tears formed in my eyes, plus a voice crack came with 'that'. I only started crying because I was starting to believe it was true.
"Let me ask you this," Alex started walking down the steps and didn't continue talking until he was standing directly in front of me, "if you love Jack so much, why did you stay with me?"
"Because I love you, too," I whispered.
"But you clearly loved him more."
"That's bullshit," I defended. "You're twisting my words around now. If it wasn't for Ashley getting pregnant-"
"Do not fucking blame Ashley, Spencer," he interrupted, shaking his head. "She has absolutely nothing to do with this."
"I wasn't going to blame Ashley. Let me finish," I snapped.
"Fine," Alex said stubbornly and crossing him arms over his chest.
"If it wasn't for Ashley getting pregnant, we wouldn't have broken up, right?" He nodded. "The night I left the tour I stayed in Jack's room."
"So, what? Things got heated and now you love him more than me?"
"I'm starting to think I always did." Alex looked at me like I just slapped him across the face and Jack's head snapped up to look at me. I couldn't help but notice his lips tugging at a smile. I continued before Alex said something else. "Even in high school before we started dating. I think it was always Jack, and I just never realized it," I admitted. "But then you came along and twisted everything around," I spat. "I spent months crying over you, wondering why in the hell you wouldn't talk to me anymore. Jack was there when you weren't." I pointed to him, resulting in Alex and Jack sharing a look. "So help me God for this, but I think it was Jack who I loved first. Which means, you were the second person. So you," I pushed his shoulders, causing him to stumble back a bit, "need to stop accusing me of shit that I can't fucking control."
"I never accused you of anything," Alex said quietly.
"You accused me of loving Jack more than you, and you accused me of loving him more while I was with you." I took a deep breath and looked between both of them as I said, "I'll always love both of you, but right now, it's fucking stupid to waist all of our time," I drew a circle in the air between us with my finger, "over me." I took another deep breath. "I think we all should just move on."
"Neither of us can move on without you, Spence," Jack finally spoke up. "I think that was pretty much proven when you were in New York, and," he shrugged, "well, for me it was proven when you started dating Alex."
"But if I choose to move on, you need to, also. And, right now, I'm choosing to move on."
I cut Alex off with a head shake. "No. I love you, both of you, but we obviously can't handle this." I didn't know what else to do except turn and walk away from them, leaving them stunned in the middle of the driveway, just watching me walk down the sidewalk. I wasn't really sure where I was going, but I knew I had to get out of here.