Dear Fanfictioneers,

What you call 'comic relief' I call actual chains, thumbscrews, and bullwhips that I keep in my office and know how to use. Although, I'll admit, Rolanda's hot stuff. You can keep that up—OUCH!

Sincerely,

Argus Filch

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, seriously, I'm just a really nasty person, and I really freaking like it that way. No need to garner sympathy for me.

Sincerely,

Dolores Jane Umbridge

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Does the fact that I keep domestic peacocks not alert you that I'm a magnificently blatant narcissist? Why do you think I'm married to Narcissa? She loves herself as much as I love myself, and because of that we find each other to be damn attractive. Snape's a greaseball. We hung out in high school. Don't try to tell me you don't know a few people like that. What? You do? Oh, well then, you must be carrying on illicit extramarital affairs in the dead of night. What? You're not? HOW UTTERLY FASCINATING.

Sincerely,

Lucius Malfoy

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, my dears, I'm a very good man, just…a very bad wizard…

Sincerely,

Cornelius Fudge

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

A Very Potter Musical was a joke. I'm not in love with the Dark Lord, and he certainly isn't in love with me. Although, my Lord, if you see this, call me?

Sincerely,

Quirinius Quirrell

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Leave me here in this nice white room, please. I don't like the people you keep sending me to meet to get my memories back. Would you like an autograph?

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Aww. I love you guys! Thanks for taking care of my sweet baby boy.

Sincerely,

Nymphadora Tonks Lupin

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Look…can I just rest in peace? Give me Cho or leave me out of it.

Sincerely,

Cedric Diggory

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Oui, I am French, but zat does not mean I speak Eenglish like a beeweeldaired house-elf.

Sincerely, Fleur Delacour

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Yes, I am a very sharp person. Yes, I do love it. No, you do not need to psychoanalyze me.

Sincerely,

Rita Skeeter

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Now, listen to me very carefully. Albus likes his violet robes. I like finery. This does not a pairing make.

Sincerely,

Horace Slughorn