I'm really glad you all enjoy the first story or prequel to this one! I hope you enjoy this story just as much :)
I don't own twilight
They say the first year is the hardest because you're still waiting for the routine to start back up again and sadly for me when I returned to Forks, my routine started like nothing had ever happened but there were gaps missing. And no matter what those gaps couldn't be filled by anything. My senior year, my first year without him, was difficult. It was hard to stay motivated to go to school and put on a brave face. It was hard to not crawl into a dark hole and stay there forever. The only thing that kept me grounded were the happier times we had together. That's what you're supposed to do: don't linger on their death but on their life. That was another difficult thing to do.
I guess people could tell I just wasn't getting on any better through that first year. The Five Stages of Grief were explained to me many times by a lot of different people. A therapist, school counselors, both my parents and my best friend Angela.
-Stage One: Denial. Every part of you wants to deny it happened and tell yourself to wake up from the nightmare. Denial is only temporary, but sometimes when I get out of bed in the mornings I still fight that feeling that it didn't happen.
-Stage Two: Anger. It's not fair is what is constantly said. It's not fair that he died, It's not fair that I'm the one left alive, It's not fair that he left us all here. When you've come to terms with Denial, anger takes over because you are filled with frustration and envy. Envy is the one I usually felt, and still feel, the most. On my bad days I used to be angry. Angry at God, at Jasper, even at his doctors. How could he just die like that? It's not fair.
-Stage Three: Bargaining. I still don't to this day understand why this is stage three. I was bargaining from the day I found out. God please, I'll do anything if you just let him stay. Now that he's gone how am I supposed to bargain? Sure I would give anything to bring him back but it's a lot harder to expect miracles when your loved one is already dead. Some days I bargain in my head, but it only makes things worse for me. I would give anything for one more day with him. I would give anything to let him hold me one more time.
-Stage Four: Depression. The only way to explain this is: numb. Everything goes blank, everything goes grey. Nothing held satisfaction for me, nothing made me happy. I was, am, consumed with sadness and still feel flashes of anger. Sometimes when I used to get out of the bed I would just think, what's the point? I honestly don't think I would've left this stage without Angela.
-Stage Five: Acceptance. This is where I am most days now. I've accepted he's gone and I can get on with most of my days normally. I can say I've come to terms with it and I can say everything is going to be okay and apparently that's all it takes to be in the stage of acceptance. Do I have to mean it? I mean, I mean it but sometimes I wish I could just let go and have one of those days where I don't. I wish I could have one of those days where everything doesn't have to be okay and I can let my mind drift off into happier times when I used to be with him and the thought of our future together was beautiful. Where in our future I was Isabella Marie Whitlock, married to my rockstar husband. I've accepted, though, that that will never happen.
I need you to promise me that I'm not going to hold you back, that you'll move on. I love you but it kills me to think I'm killing you too. I hope someday he will forgive me for the promise I can't keep. It's been three years and I haven't moved on but it hasn't killed me yet so why can't I just go on like this? Why do I have to feel so guilty that I lied to him all those years ago? Why did he have to make me promise such a thing?
I hope you guys enjoyed it! PLEASE let me know what you think and review! It really means a lot. Keep an eye for chapter two its written I just need to read over it to have it posted for tonight. Thank you guys soo much for reading!
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