Lol, thanks for being so patient with me everyone! I just like...got totally distracted by life...gah. Anyway, I did finish and WIN nanowrimo (like a boss), and I'm still working on my rough draft of my original fic, which is 100,000+ words right now (cause I'm a boss, lol), so that's tight.
Anyway, here is the final chapter of Catchphrases. Y'all have waited long enough for this so... Enjoy!
Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced,
and the inconvenience is often considerable.
Shikamaru made his way slowly, slowly, mother-fucking-slowly, up the stairs to the Hokage's office. In one hand, a lit cigarette was clenched; the ashes fell and smoldered on the red carpet, but Shikamaru did not notice. There was only one thing on his mind: his untimely demise. Because if the Hokage had a bet riding on his mission, and if she could stand to lose precious, precious inebriants via Shikamaru's coke-blown incompetence, then Shikamaru was a walking dead man. A. Walking. Dead. Man.
Shikamaru cursed the day his mother had her first date with his father. He cursed the day his father had ever lain eyes on his mother. He cursed the day his grandparents had ever been a twinkling in their grandparent's eyes! Curses! CURSES!
The Nara's caffeine addled brain was whirling with possible ways to escape his doom. Should he jump out of the window and run? Become a missing nin? Should he disguise himself in a chicken suit? Maybe he should just stab himself in the spleen; god damn spleen, what the hell was it good for anyway?
As Shikamaru's genius brain roiled with idiotic possibilities and visions of spleen stabbing, he realized with a shock that he was standing in front of the Hokage's door. Curiously, he heard peals of laughter coming from inside. His agony momentarily forgotten in light of this new puzzle, Shikamaru pressed his ear against the door. His jaw dropped at what he heard. It sounded like the Hokage was watching porn! Very, very enthusiastic porn from the sound of it! And there were quite a few people screaming inside with laughter.
Just as Shikamaru was going to run away in fear, the door opened; unfortunately, Shikamaru had still been leaning against the door, and he fell into the Hokage's office from the sudden movement.
Shikamaru, who was laying stunned on the carpet, blinked up in shock. There, upside down and hovering over him like a bad hallucination, were all of his teammates and friends. Shikamaru blinked again and realized that the ceiling was covered in streamers and colorful balloons.
"Shikamaru?" Ino strode forward from the crowd. "Are you ok?"
"What the hell is going on?" Shikamaru sputtered.
"Geez, for a genius, you're not very smart," Temari smirked.
Shikamaru closed his eyes. Damn troublesome women. With all the bleary courage he could muster, he muttered, "What...what is today's date?" Please, Kami, please don't let this be what I think it is...
"It's September 22nd!" Ino squealed.
Holy mother of chocolate cake. It was his birthday. Dear gods, NO.
The Hokage stepped forward, her giant bosoms looking quite strange from Shikamaru's position on the floor. "Shikamaru-kuuuuuuuun!" she purred, her cheeks flushed.
Oh dear Kami, the Hokage was shitfaced drunk. Whatever was going to happen next was not going to be good. How did Shikamaru know that it was going to be no good? Because the kid was a mother fucking genius. That's right, you heard me, he's a genius that. Fucks. His. Mother. Mother fucking genius, betches.
"Hokage-sama?" Shikamaru stated weakly. "Um... You wanted to see me, ma'am?"
"Play the tape!" the Hokage roared.
Shikamaru lifted his eyes to the far side of the room, where Anko—beaming like the village idiot—pressed the play button on a tape recorder.
"Oh, fuck yeah, harder!"
"Under the seeaaaaaaaaa!"
Grunt grunt grunt.
Dear gods. It was their sex tape. For the love of...
"Shikamaru, can you confirm or deconfirm that the voice stating, 'Under the Seeaaaaaaa' is indeed your voice."
Shit. Shit! Shitshitshit! Veritable shit storms of DOOM! Never mind that deconfirm is not a real word! BECAUSE! Whilst under the influence of coke, Shikamaru had forgotten one crucial thing: he had been bugged. And the microphone hidden in his vest was a mother fucking ninja microphone. That's right, a microphone so bad-ass, it has SEX with its MOTHER. Le gasp!
The Hokage had Shikamaru's whole night of debauched karaoke on tape. On a mother fucking tape (that's a tape that fucks its...oh, never mind).
"Shikamaru! As your Hokage, I order you to tell me: is that YOUR voice on the tape!"
Shikamaru closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the porny recording: he had definitely been singing "Under the Sea" whilst banging two hot ladies. In fact, from the sounds of the tape, it sounded like they had progressed on to other show tunes, and that they were also taking breaks to snort coke; he could tell from the loud huffing sounds Temari was making, like a cat coughing up a hairball, as she enjoyed her horrible, corrupting drugs via a straw up her nose.
"Don't cry for me ARGENTIIIIIIIINA! The truth is I NEEEEEEVER left you!" sang Shikamaru's coked out voice on the speakers.
"Oh yeah, right there baby."
"Fuck yeah, that's the stuff."
"HIT MY BABY ONE MORE TIME!"
Yep. The person singing Britany fucking Spears as he shtupped two blonde kunoichi was none other than our beloved birthday boy. Who knew he had such a smexy singing voice? It was like Count Dracula and Voldemort had a baby, and the baby was an Evil Christina Aguilera who had the voice of an (evil) angel and the sex drive of an (evil) rabbit.
Shikamaru blinked. It seemed like his brain had officially just died, because the thoughts he had just been thinking about his penchant for singing made abso-fucking-lutely no sense.
"SHIKAMARU! IS THAT YOU ON THE TAPE!" the Hokage demanded for the umpteenth time.
Shikamaru took a deep breath. "I cannot lie; that's me singing The Little Mermaid, Evita, and Brittany Spears." He closed his eyes and waited for his untimely death.
Meanwhile, the tape played on:
"Oh gods Shika, I thinking I'm coming!"
Grunt grunt grunt.
"Don't you KNOW that you're TOXIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"
"Damn Shikamaru," Naruto mused from the sidelines, "I didn't know you were such a pimp."
"Or that he was such a good singer," Sakura added.
"Hn," stated Sasuke. Sakura punched Sasuke in the face; that shut him up for a while.
"Don't cry for me Argentiiiiiiiiiiiiina!"
Shikamaru winced; apparently, he was back to singing Evita on the tape. "Can someone...please...for the love of all that is good and holy in our world...please please pause the tape?"
Anko did no such thing, and when Choji made a mad dash for the pause button, she stared him down. "Sorry bro," Choji muttered, "I ain't ganna mess with dat shit."
Since when did Choji talk like a gangster? Shikamaru made some quick calculations in his head: "Damn it, are you kids all high on coke?"
"That's neither here nor there!" the Hokage barked. "We're all here to discuss your mission!"
"And to wish Shikamaru a happy happy HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY birthday!" Sakura interjected animatedly.
"Damn. That's too much happy," Sasuke snapped.
Sakura punched him in the gut, and then threw him over her shoulder for good measure.
Shikamaru shuddered. "My mission," he repeated lamely. "Did I...?"
"We listened to the whole tape: you didn't say any of your catchphrases! Not. Even. Once."
"Please don't kill me Hokage-sama I can explain—wait. What? You mean...I completed my mission successfully?" Shikamaru was completely flabbergasted.
"That's right, sunshine!" Temari cooed as she pried Shikamaru off of the floor. "And now, tell him what he's won!"
Tsunade beamed down at the sallow Nara. "In return for helping me win my bet—I mean, for successfully completing your S ranked mission, I give you a month long vacation!"
For the first time in over a week, Shikamaru smiled. "You mean—I get to go on vacation? That's...that's frackin' awesome!" Shikamaru couldn't believe it; his luck was finally changing! Maybe there was a birthday god after all!
"That's right Nara!" Tsunade replied. "You'll be taking an all expenses paid trip to Suna, where you'll be staying at the plush Kazekage castle! Your teammates, Ino and Choji, will accompany you!"
Shikamaru's smile faded and he became even paler than he had been before. "Wait. Wha...?"
Temari elbowed him in the ribs. "That's right! You'll be having your vacation at my casa. And I knew you'd be lonely without Ino...sooooooooo—"
"Temari said I can eat all the potato chips I want!" Choji beamed. "Oh! And she said I could snort all the coke I wanted, too!"
Shikamaru turned his blanched face to the Hokage. "This...this is the reward I get...for completing my mission?"
"Ya-huh," the Hokage murmured. "Pretty awesome, huh?"
"We've got a full karaoke bar and everything at my place," Temari said with a smile. "And enough coke to make you sing show tunes all. Night. Long." She winked at him, then made a throaty purring noise that filled Shikamaru with fear.
"Happy birthday Shikamaru!" Ino yelled.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" everyone cried.
But Shikamaru couldn't hear them; he was totally passed out on the floor, his skin ashen, a vein twitching in his forehead. This was beyond troublesome.
This. Was. HELL.
THE END (for now!)
again, sorry for the long wait: Hope you enjoyed the end!
Love notes accepted via the blue review button below:)