Clash of the Mammals

Part 1

The penguins were in their base about to eat fish that Alice has thrown to them in their habitat when Skipper realized something. He looked around; there was Kowalski, himself, Rico, but where was Private?

"Hang on men," Skipper told his companions. "We can't eat yet. We're short by one soldier. Where's Private?" Skipper looked at Kowalski who was trying to hold back a hungry Rico.

"Don't know Skipper." Kowalski said. Skipper scratched his chin.

"Hmmm," He pondered out loud. "Odd. It's not like Private to miss dinner without telling us first." He headed for the exit. "Come on men; we're not eating without him." Kowalski was exhausted from holding Rico back. He was forced to let go.

"WHOO-HOO!" Rico cheered, grabbing a fish from Private's plate. "FISH!" He was about to swallow it down.

"Rico!" Kowalski scolded him, flippers on hips. "We got to find Private first."

"Aw man!" Rico said disappointed. He put down the fish and walked towards his friends. They headed towards the exit again when Rico went back. He opened his mouth at the dead fish.

"Rico!" Kowalski shouted. "Come on, you can have loads of fish after we find Private." Rico moaned and followed them.

All of a sudden Private came down the ladder.

"Private!" Skipper said, then looked mad. "We were about to go search for you. Don't you ever scare us like that again!"

"Sorry Skipper." The young penguin apologized. "I got held back." Skipper looked at the envelope in his flippers, then back at him.

"What you got there?" Skipper asked.

"We got a letter!"

"Well, don't just stand there! Open it up and let's see what it says."

"Will do Skipper!" And with that, he opened the envelope and pulled out a small metallic disk.

Suddenly, a holographic image of Toadsworth flashed up.

'Whoa!" Private observed, "Fancy!" The rest of the penguins looked at it over his shoulders.

"Impressive." Kowalski said. Rico whistled.


"Guys!" Skipper scolded. "We can admire the format later. Let's just see what the old Toad has to say." He looked at him.

"Oh, I'm afraid that's not an option." The holographic Toad spoke. "Because you see like all spy letters in spy shows/movies, this letter will self-destruct after I say what needs to be said." The penguins listened with interest.

"We heard about you and your admirable work during the debacle at Count Pichu's party several months back…"

"How'd you hear about that?" Private asked, eyes widening. Toadsworth didn't answer, but addressed Skipper.

"Your team is invited to an all-agent party along with several others. You have all saved the world countless times, but have never gotten credit, due to the necessity of secrecy; our association wishes to remedy this grave injustice. We invite you to meet and greet with colleagues and be celebrated at last. The party's in two weeks in the Mushroom Kingdom at the Royal Castle; RVSP if you can't make it. This letter will self destruct in 5…"

"Can't we tell you now?" Private looked quizzical.

"No, 5, 4…"

"Wait!" Private piped up.

"What?! Can't you see this letter is about to explode? Once it begins, I can't stop it."

"Just one thing. If you can have a card like this, then why didn't Count Pichu do it? I'm sure he had the money for it."

"He does." Toadsworth answered. "But you know how he is. He wanted to keep it all, not waste it on an invitation. Plus this is more agenty and cool. Now, can this card self-destruct or not?" Private smiled.

"Be our guest."

"All right then! This letter will self-destruct in 5, 4,…"

"Rico!" Skipper commanded. "Quick dispose of the evidence!"

Rico grabbed the disk, went up the ladder and flung it like frisbee. He threw it as hard as he could. He quickly ducked back in the habitat. A huge explosion rocked the zoo and echoed throughout the park. A few visitors 'oohed' and 'aahed', thinking it was a firework display.

In the distance a car crashed in the streets.

"My car!" A man's voice rang out as the car alarm kept honking.

"Rico?"" Skipper asked once Rico was all the way down. "Is the letter disposed?" Rico nodded.

"Uh huh!"

"Why did they have the explosion so large, Skipper?" Private asked, uncovering his ear holes, "I thought this was supposed to be discreet,"

"Because that's just the way we do things, Private."

"Wow!" Klaus observed from his bowl when they all entered the castle's main hall, along with the Smiths, and Bullock; Roger carried the fish. "All the agent cartoons are here."

"Of course they are, fish." Roger told him. "This is an all-agent party; what do you expect?" Klaus looked around. There was Agent P, Monogram, Carl, The Tuff agents and the Chief and Keswick, Toadsworth, and of course the penguins.

"You know what agents aren't here?" Klaus asked. Roger looked at around and then back at the fish.

"I give up." He said, "Who?"

"Kim Possible and James Bond."

"Klaus, first of all, Kim Possible is not technically an agent, just a teenage-targeted crime fighter. Second of all, James Bond isn't a cartoon."

"Yeah, but it'd be awesome if he was here."

"True, it would be awesome if we saw him. I would get his autograph, just think, I'd be the only alien in the world with James Bond's autograph, I'd be famous."

"You know there are different actors that play James Bond." Klaus explained to him. "Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore,"

"Okay Klaus, that's enough. You don't need to say anymore, showoff!" They all strolled to get some punch. Roger put Klaus' bowl on the cloth-covered table.

"Oh my gosh!" Dudley said who was nearby with Kitty who both overheard. "James Bond is here?" He ran in excited circles around Kitty. "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" He then stopped and looked at Kitty confused. "Who's James Bond?" Kitty sighed.

"He's a fictional well-known movie spy." She answered.

"Oh boy! I'm going to get his autograph!" Dudley was about to go when Kitty stopped him.

"He's not here, Dudley!"

"Oh, darn it! I really wanted to meet him and maybe get some pointers from him. "

"Isn't this exciting, Agent P?" Monogram asked the monotreme. He, Monogram, Carl was at the punch table drinking punch. Perry looked at his boss, punch glass in hand, and chattered. He drank some more.

Francine distractedly picked up the punch spoon and scooped up some of Klaus' water. She was about to drink it.

"Hey!" Klaus snapped. "Don't you DARE drink the wasser in mien bowl!"

"EW Mom!" Hayley cried in disgust. "Sick! Klaus poops and pees in there." Francine's eyes widened and she quickly dropped the water. Stan comforted his wife.

"Hey!" Roger said. "Now this party is actually going somewhere!"

Toadsworth approached the mike on a stage near the back of the hall. He picked it up and spoke into it.

"Welcome!" He greeted. "I'm glad you could all attend this all-agent party honoring all your agents out there! With all your hard work and dedication, you help make your respective countries great! Give yourselves a hand!" Everyone clapped or made animal sounds. "Now, anyone who is not an agent or a family member or commanding officer of an agent, GET OUT OF HERE!" All the clapping died down and all looked at Toadsworth. "This party is strictly for agent cartoons only."

Several stragglers in the back grumbled and made their way towards the exit. Bowser, who'd surprisingly remained unnoticed, spoke up.
"Can I still kidnap the princess?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, old boy, we're sort of having a function here, can we schedule you in for next week?"

"I suppose so," Bowser groaned and stomped out.

After an awkward silence Private raised a flipper. Toadsworth called on him.

"Why are you here then? You're not an agent."

"Good question. But I am the MC, the host of this party. Therefore, I have to be here. Now, any more questions?" Nobody raised his or her hand.

"Nobody then? Okay, enjoy the party!" The old Toad left the stage and moved into the crowd to mingle. Everyone resumed talking, drinking punch and eating snacks.

"So Chief," Major Monogram said to the flea, punch in hand. "How is T.U.F.F treating you?"

"All the agents there are great! Especially Agent Puppy and Agent Kitty. Agent Puppy might be a klutz at times, but thanks to Agent Kitty, they get the job done. They are incredible agents indeed." The flea drank his tiny cup of punch.

"Agent P is pretty good too." Monogram told him.

"Yeah, but not nearly as good as Agent Puppy and Agent Kitty." The Chief commented carelessly. Monogram raised his monobrow in shock and anger.

"What do you mean 'not nearly as good'? Agent P is as good an agent as any of yours." The Chief just shrugged and drank his drink.

"If you say so."

"The Chief's right, Agent P." Dudley said to Perry nearby. "I am an awesome agent. More awesome-er than you'll ever know." Perry glared at the puppy as he drank. "Well, I don't mean to brag, but it is true. I mean you are a mindless pet who doesn't do much." This made Perry even madder. He chattered angrily 'That's my cover, nitwit!', Dudley stared with a smug grin. "I'm just making you madder, aren't I? Well I guess we both came to a disagreement."

"Dad!" Hayley whined. "Can we go home now? There's nothing we can do! I promised Jeff we could go see a movie if this party is turns out to be lame."

"Yeah!" Steve added. "And I promised my friends we could play video games if this party was lame."

"Sorry kids." Stan told them. "But I brought you here and 'I'm not going back until the party is done. Now, quit whining, be on your best behaviors, and go make some friends." Steve and Hayley groaned and went off.

"I can't believe this party doesn't have any wine!" Roger complained. "Where's my alcoholic beverage? I want my wine!"

"Chillax Roger," Klaus told him. "You just want wine so that you can get wasted. Every party doesn't have to have wine, you know. Just be glad for what it does have. Heck, maybe this is a good thing this party doesn't have any; you know what wine can do to you if you have too much of it."

"Shut up, fish! This place must have some wine, it's a castle, gosh darn it!" He went to search for some wine.

"Where are you going?" Private asked the alien spotting him slinking away towards a corridor. "You're going to miss the party!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Oh, you know me, just curious."

"I'm just going to check if there's any wine down here."


"Because I want some wine, okay?"

"But there's lots of beverages here you can have."

"No, I'd rather have wine. Now get out of my face, back off, and be cute or whatever it is you dumb kiddie cartoons do." Private gasped. The rest of the penguins waddled up to them.

"What's going on here, Private?" Skipper asked. Private looked at his boss and pointed his flipper at Roger.

"He's being mean to me, Skipper. He called me a dumb kiddie cartoon and told me to get out of his face and to back off."

"There, there Private. He's an adult cartoon. They're all mean like that, just don't get in his way and you're be fine."

"Kid cartoons!" Roger huffed. He was about to go down the corridor, when Steve came by.

"Roger!" He said, excited. Roger looked at him. "I think a fight is about to start between the beaver tail creature and the mutt."

"Uh, Steve," Roger pointed out to him. "You do know Perry's a platypus, don't you? I mean surely this isn't the first time you've seen one, right?"

"Whatever!" Steve said. "Now, come on!" He ran to where a crowd had just gathered. Roger sighed.

"I guess you're going to have to wait, wine." He then went to where the crowd was.

Sure enough, there was Perry and Dudley in the middle of the crowd, chattering and growling at each other.

"I'm a better agent than you, duck-billed creature." Perry chattered madly at the mutt. Monogram looked mad and stepped up to him.

"Excuse me?!" He demanded. "But I believe Agent P here is the best agent I have." Dudley laughed in Monogram's face.

"I doubt it!" He scoffed. "What makes you so sure he's the best?"

"Well, one, he's in the best agency, and two, he's more intelligent!" Dudley and the Chief gasped.

"You take that back!" Dudley snapped. "I am too smarter than that…'uh…what is he?"

"A platypus."

"Whatever! The point is I am smarter then him." The Chief hopped up onto Dudley's nose.

"I'll take it from here Agent Puppy." He stated. The flea looked back at Major Monogram, mad.

"What do you mean your agency is better? T.U.F.F. agents work hard everyday. So it's obvious my agency is better."

"O.W.C.A agents work hard everyday too, well, most often Agent P, but O.W.C.A is the best."

"T.U.F.F.! "



"O.W.C.A!" Kitty rolled her eyes.

"Oh chief, please don't go into this!" She moaned.

"The N.P.G.L.B.C!" Private blurted out." The penguins eyed Private. Private laughed nervously. "You know the No Penguin Gets Left Behind Club. I made it up. Well, come on; we need a team name!"

"Private!" Skipper scolded. "I decide what we call ourselves and it's not the 'No Penguin Gets Left Behind Club'" Private looked disappointed, and then raised his flipper as he got another idea. "Or the 'Smile and Wave Club', and certainly not, 'The Unicorns.'" Private looked disappointed again. Dudley put up his fists.

"You wanna go, pal?" He demanded. "Huh? Do you?" Perry chattered madly at him.

"Fight, fight, fight!" Klaus and Roger chanted together. Kitty rolled her eyes.

"You think an adult cartoon knows any better!" She moaned. Toadsworth went between the two mammals.

"Now, now, now," He told them. "Let all be mature about this. No violence, here, come on, let's all sing the Barney song." He cleared his throat and began to sing way off key.

"I love you!" He sang.

"Oh gosh!" Klaus groaned. "Why does the author always choose this preschool song? Why couldn't it have been the 'So Happy Together' song?" Toadsworth continued singing.

"You love me, we're a happy family, with a…" The platypus and the mutt started brawling. Toadsworth stopped his song and tried to break up the fight.

"Come on, break it up!" He said. "That's enough. Let us all be friends here." Kitty sighed, and then climbed on stage. She took the mike and shouted as loud as she could.

"STOP BRAWLING LIKE ANIMALS!!" Dudley and Perry stopped. They still glared at each other, growling and chattering. Keswick looked at Kitty.

"But they are animals." He told her, pushing up his glasses. "Derr… So they got to brawl like a-a-animals." Kitty looked annoyed.

"I'm better than you lamemapus!" Dudley said to Perry. "I can talk!" Everyone gasped.

"You shouldn't have said that!" Kowalski said. The dog and monotreme were about to go at it again when Toadsworth stopped them.

"Can't this be solved without fighting?" He asked. Perry and Dudley stopped and looked at each other. Toadsworth smiled.

"That's right," He said. "Make up you two."

But instead of making up, Dudley clapped his paws together.

"Hey I know!" He said. He pointed at Perry.

"Let's have a tournament! Five events, whoever wins the most game wins and is the best agent cartoon. Whoever loses, well, loses, and is considered to be a loser!" He folded his arms across his chest. "Deal?" The platypus chatted as if to say 'you're on!'

"Okay, that settles that!" The Chief said. "Dudley vs. Perry to see who is the better agent! I placed my bets that Agent Puppy will win."

"Dream on!" Monogram argued with the flea. "It'll be Agent P who'll win."

"Agent Puppy will win!"

"Agent P!"

"Agent Puppy!"



"Okay!" Toadsworth said, speaking over Monogram and the Chief's argument. "Let the games begin!"

Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Norm, Dr. Blowhole, the Chameleon, Zippy, and Bird Brain had all gathered in D.O.O.M headquarters, hosted by Snaptrap. The villains were mingling among themselves. Snaptrap went on stage and spoke into the mike.

"Greetings villains of agent cartoons!" The rat greeted. The villains quieted down. "Now thanks to a little birdie, Dippy…"

"Zippy!" Bird Brain corrected. Snaptrap looked annoyed. Zippy smiled.

"Yeah, Zippy, anyhow, I'm sure you are all aware that the good agent cartoons are throwing a party at Princess Peach's castle and we are very upset that they didn't invite us villains, am I right?"

All the villains agreed.

"We're part of their show." Doofenshmirtz said. "And they didn't invite the very people or animals that makes their lives miserable? What's up with that? And poor American Dad doesn't have any villains in their show. Well, they do have some "realistic" villains, but I mean, really, no recurring villains with crazy schemes to foil; they don't know what they're missing! Everyone knows the best parts of shows are the bad guys! I mean, come on! We make the shows entertaining!"

"I agree!" Blowhole added, floating on his hover-scooter. "Villains do tend to liven up the shows!" He cackled in his insane, dolphin way.

"Why don't we crash the party?" The Chameleon suggested.

"Yeah!" Doofenshmirtz agreed. "I love it! Perry the Platypus will be surprised to see me there! We can kidnap all the agents, and they won't be able to stop us from doing evil!" He laughed evilly.

"I have a better idea!" Norm spoke. The villains looked at him. "Why don't we all be friends?"

"He does know we're all evil here, right?" Bird Brain asked Doofenshmirtz.

"Norm and I are still working on the 'we're evil' concept." Doofenshmirtz admitted, embarrassed.

"Okay!" Snaptrap said. "Here's the plan." All the villains gathered in a circle as Snaptrap told them the entire plan

"Oh, that is diabolical!" Blowhole commented when done. "I like it!"

"Perry the Platypus won't know what's coming!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. "The cast of American Dad will be begging for a recurring super-villain on their show after this!"

"And with my chameleon capabilities," The Chameleon said. "I can camouflage and when the moment's right, I can just grab them and watch them scream!"

"Okay," Snaptrap told them. "Lets go crash that party!"

"YEAH!" The villains cheered. All of them then marched out of D.O.O.M headquarters, all of them, except Norm, laughed their evil laughs in a cacophony of maniacal madness.