Perry knew what a kiss was. He knew the beginnings, like the way Candace giggled and pressed her lips quickly to Jeremy's. He knew the ends, like the way parents somehow choreographed a kiss into their daily dance of errands. He tried desperately not to think of the middle, because there was something scarring about coming home to find they had invented a new sound-proof bed system that clearly wasn't working just yet. In any case, Perry knew kisses. Humans had a slightly ridiculous obsession with lips, he had decided. There was so much meaning to humans in such a small percentage of the body. He contemplated this as he disappeared for a mission, away from that kind of middle kiss that seemed more like a way to bruise yourself than anything.
This was no ordinary mission. Now, ordinarily he would go see what Heinz was up to and (possibly) stop him. But ordinarily there would be the boys' friends at the house, finding entertainment. And ordinarily Candace would be home watching the boys, not lazing at her best friend's house. And lastly, ordinarily the boys were outside with some ambitious invention, but today they weren't. Perry supposed it was better that Candace wasn't watching them, today. All in all, today was not an ordinary day.
So, with no plans of leaving his deep-deep-deep (I-can't-hear-the-house-thank-god-deep) lab, and no intervention from head quarters, Perry set about doing what he had long been meaning to do. He sat down, straightened his hat, turned on his computer, and set about printing. Paperwork, he had decided, was headquarters' way of stalling him from this. Today, though, nothing could stop him. Well, perhaps a monumental printer jam, but he was rather hoping against that. Very little could stop him. He would do the paperwork if it took him all day. After all, one did not gain a super power simply by wishing for it. There was protocol to be followed.
Ridiculously long protocol, Perry thought, digging in to what seemed to be the seventeenth chapter in paperwork. For approximately the 17th time, he contemplated his reasoning. He always listed the cons first, in case they should sway him from this idea.
Monogram might say no
Monogram might not know how to get the boys to build the power infuser
Perry considered this rather short list, decided it was complete, and moved on.
Element of surprise
Both of the above meant he'd win more battles more quickly
If he phrased the super power correctly, he could probably get communication in there too
Move more quickly over a large distance on foot
There were more, but Perry stopped listing once he debated what, exactly, he could use a kiss for. The point was there were many new things he could do. After all, humans were rather useful creatures. Opposable thumbs, an entire language to work with… although they often insisted on wearing that infernal invention called "clothes", and Perry could not understand why. He supposed it might create some awkward situations should he suddenly turn human and have no clothing on. He added "end up naked" to his cons list. Not that he would change in front of the family, or anything. It was imperative that he kept his secret cover… well, secret. So really, he would only use the power while in one of the numerous lairs that made up Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorperated. He paused a moment in his paperwork, then added "end up naked" to his pros list as well. With a final flourish of his pen, he sat back, satisfied. Take that, headquarters. Paperwork done.
Taking off his hat, Perry wandered upstairs for the customary "Oh, there you are, Perry," and a pat on the head.
Perry had realized that the worst part of this plan was that the boys could never, ever understand that their invention worked for his purpose. Because humans should not have super powers, and because they simply could not know that Perry, at times, wanted to be a human. So it was understandably tricky to word this new invention. Something that seemed useful and perhaps fun but was secretly one of the most important discoveries of the century. They invented these things practically every day. Yet, still, the wording of it all was tricky. How does one infuse a power in the first place? Perry settled on "The machine that changes things that are not human into another preset thing with the ability (given to the changer of the object) to change this one thing back and forth as wished for an indefinite period of time".
However difficult it was to word exactly what he wanted in a machine, it was infinitely more complicated attempting to subtly hint this to the boys as a seldom-seen aquatic mammal. He was Perry the Platypus, escapee of impossible situations, and yet this one task was far too daunting. There were so many ways his hinting could go wrong, and his litter box only went so far. So, when the final exclamation arrived, he was understandably nervous. Perry supposed he should give credit to the boys' Pictionary skills. An object-fuse-together was close, but it was just slightly stressful to place himself inside it. He had worked for this, though. So, with a small plain white piece of paper with one half-sentence, he stepped in to the pre-set infuser. Closing the latch behind him, he stared hard at the words "The ability to become human", and hoped desperately that the physics that had so long evaded this household did not choose this moment to arrive. And so the blinding light took over.
As a platypus, one should not be horribly disappointed to wake up from any sort of unconsciousness as a platypus. Perry was horribly disappointed. In his first moment of consciousness he recognized 4 things: he was still himself, it was starting towards dawn, he was not captured or in any sort of danger, and there was a small piece of skin, still covered by his hair, that was now sort of papery. Perry decided it would be best if perhaps this were a dream, and therefore squeezed his eyes shut and wished with all his heart to wake up as a human. He promptly grew about 5 feet taller and lost his fur. At least, that part he could feel. Slowly, starting with one tightly closed eye, he peeked into the slowly lightening room, and down to his perfect, long, exposable thumbs. He wiggled them excitedly. They were even human colored! All pretty and a little more tan-ish than the family's skin, but still. He tested his other fingers, which wiggled perhaps even more fantastically than his thumbs. They were just so… separate, from his other fingers. Toes, he discovered, were much harder to wiggle than fingers, but his limbs did waggle about nicely when he commanded them.
He was lying in the middle of the kitchen on his back waving his arms and legs in the air. Perry quickly stopped, placed all limbs carefully on the floor, and cleared his throat. No need to look silly, now. Realizing what he had just done, he froze and, very carefully, cleared his throat again. How extraordinarily different that was! He cleared his throat once more, for good measure. If he weren't still in the family's kitchen, he would try all kinds of sounds. There would be time for that later, though. Dawn was fast approaching, and he was expected as a platypus any minute now. Running his fingers over the small, white, papery square in the middle of his chest, he pondered how to return to being a platypus. Maybe trying the same technique in reverse would work. He squeezed his eyes shut, and thought rather vaguely of how it felt to be a platypus. Normal, is really all he could come up with. Shorter, as well. He did not become shorter. Peeking down at himself, he realized there were still long, non-furry limbs connected to a very much human body.
This would not be so much of a problem, really, except that at that moment he heard the footsteps beginning to decend the stairs. The family. They could not, never, ever, absolutely could not see him like this! Not to mention it would be quite a shock to find a naked man in your kitchen. Squeezing his eyes shut, this time in preparation for the disaster that was about to come, he wished to the core of his being that he was Not Human at the moment.
…And that seemed to do the trick. Slowly opening his eyes, he stared up at the very-much-bigger and still half-asleep Ferb, who gave him a nod before starting on breakfast. For some very strange reason, Ferb now insisted on making Phineas breakfast, as though Phineas himself were incapable. Perry shook his small, furry head at the boy, and wandered off to see if headquarters wanted to hear about his beautiful success.
Headquarters did not, in fact, want to hear about it. They wanted him to go off and stop Heinz, with the usual vague "we don't quite know what he's up to, but stop him." Perry only rolled his eyes and obeyed. Maybe Heinz would want to hear about his success. Maybe, if he won the battle quickly enough with his new power, he could even just talk to Heinz with his newfound voice. He contemplated what he might say on his way over.
His grand entrance was made all the more grand by the fall of shattered glass, and he was pleased to note that it was that easily-broken kind, for things like movies, because every once in a while he cut his foot and it ached for days. How thoughtful of Heinz. The trap, in this particular instance, was a hardly-well-put-together wooden box, for which Perry was again thankful. He had a schedule to keep, after all. Then He appeared, brown hair irreparably mussed, too-big white lab coat hanging off his bony shoulders, and his face practically lit up. Perry rather liked that about Heinz. Perry seemed to just brighten his day, and Perry like brightening peoples' days. Particularly Heinz's day, but that was inconsequential.
He decided it was time to interrupt Heinz's current monologue, and show him just what Perry had accomplished. The wood shattered perhaps even more beautifully than the glass and Perry wished, to the very tip of his toes, to become human. After all, humans do not fit in boxes made for platypuses. Heinz, in the middle of his speech, froze, and did not start to move for a slightly alarming amount of time. Perry decided to move for him, and crossed the room, slowly pushing Heinz to the wall and pinning his arms above his head. Just in case he, you know, tried to fight him or anything. Heinz turned a slightly surprising shade of pink, but otherwise remained frozen. Perry frowned. This was not going quite as he'd planned.
Clearing his throat (he was so good at that!) he attempted to speak. "I'm… Perry," he said, just to clarify things.
"Oh," squeaked Heinz, in a very strange way that Perry had not heard him use before. He decided it would be relevant to his training to try out the sounds he heard, and attempted this new one.
"Oh," he repeated, but even if that was about the right pitch it was a little more breathy. Heinz was either utterly mortified that he had begun imitating him, or he'd suddenly contracted some form of high fever. Perry went with the mortified one, and decided not to imitate him anymore. Clearly it wasn't good for his mental capacity.
Heinz seemed to gather his wits, and made some sort of flailed attempt to escape that was more effective in knocking them both backward with Perry still holding his wrists hostage. Falling wasn't very good for Heinz either, because he ended up kissing Perry's ear, or rather putting his lips on Perry's ear in what seemed like a highly uncomfortable manner. Clearly, Heinz knew nothing about kissing. Perry decided that this, of all things, was something he could teach.
After all, Perry knew a lot about kisses.