This whole fic was inspired by Parabelle 'Are You Alarmed?' I just think it works so well with Rico and they are human in this.

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An Artist's Agonized Addiction

"So far away, I know it's wrong but it looks so good on paper I dont understand, first you're up, then you're down you fight the urge to kill again"~ Parabelle 'Are You Alarmed?'

The man groaned running a hair through his raven black hair, calloused fingers flattening his Mohawk only to have it spring up in defiance. His tired blue-green eyes fell upon the two stacks of bunk beds stacked against an indent in the wall to see if his team was still asleep.

For a moment, he envied his teammates, craving the sleep they were getting. He could sleep if he really wanted, but not without the nightmares that would invade his dreams. A shudder coursed through his body at the thought as he fought from going into a thousand yard stare. He reached over with a shaking hand to the assortment of pills that sat untouched by a glass of water, his newest medication still proving to be ill effective.

When will it finally stop? The thought always fighting to be vocalized in an exasperated shout as he tapped the pencil in his hand against the blank pages of his sketchpad. Insanity had its duller moments as he waited for his cocktail to drop him down the rabbit hole and into a coma. There was always the option of going to see Julien for a quick fling, it was closest he could get to a whore anyway. No, that would end badly if Skipper found out he's been sneaking out again, especially for another a night with another man. Even though they knew that he was bisexual already, he wasn't one for subtlety to begin with.

Then again, where he was from it was not an issue if you weren't straight, in fact it was very common to be bi, even names were unisex and held double meanings. No, he was twisting words, getting off track, a sign that his medication was finally starting to work.

Still he wouldn't be able to sleep no matter how many pills he took. Once he had tried that, after a particular grisly mission before Private was put on the team. He nearly overdosed, his heart had been ready to burst. If it hadn't been for Kowalski his heart probably would have. Then at the thought of the scientist his hand twitched marking the blank paper.

That was all it took, that one mark, that one name. What he was now drawing wasn't right in anyway; forbidden thoughts forming the picture. Could he say he loved his teammate? No, it was purely lust, lust of happiness. Kowalski was the only one who could understand him to an extent, the fear of losing everything in just one moment of losing control. Yet, Kowalski wasn't has far gone as he was, and the scientist was lucky enough to be able to remove himself from his emotions. While he felt everything with a sharp intensity, holding a sensitivity that no one ever suspected him of having.

Hours when on and he continued to draw his mind faded from the world. He took great care with his shading, working slowly to ensure that it seemed that even the few drops of sweat looked as if they'd roll of the page at anytime. He stopped only once to swallow down another handful of pills.

He was addicted to it all. The medication, the sorrow, and the want of happiness. Knowing full well that he could have it, but in truth he didn't want it or rather he didn't need it.

The thoughts faded once more, his mind lost in a fog. He couldn't ponder the meaning now. He just continued to draw, bleeding himself dry, the soft granite ran out across the page. Soon the forbidden lovers he had drawn were no longer alone, his nightmares now surrounded them.

For the simple reason that he couldn't have happiness not even in his art, because him without happiness just looked right. There was no way to fix him, no way to break his addictions. He knew that it was wrong and all he could do was fight the temptations before just giving in to them.

I might add to to this if you enjoyed it and want me to, even if you want to see a little more than one-sided Kico, I'd add in almost any pairing. So just drop a review or PM if you want to see more.