Umber and Toadstools
By Marmalade Fever
Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling. No profit has been made.
A.N.: Before you read this, it's (sort of) important to understand that this was written as a series of "shoutbox fics" at Hawthorn and Vine. What's a shoutbox fic? It's a fic that's 300 characters or less: the length of a shout. Each section was written on the spot, and I just kept going until I reached a conclusion.
Your owls have become all too frequent. Please desist at once, or, at the very least, please desist in using the owl you so aptly named "Talon." My cat has thrice been grabbed up by the scruff of his neck. In regards to your questions, my answers are no, yes, no, and umber.
Unfortunately, I no longer recall the order of my questions. Will you look past this last use of Talon and enlighten me? Oh, and I am most surprised to hear about his behavior towards your cat. My owls tend to have much more refined tastes, I assure you.
No, I will not send you clippings of my hair. Yes, I do own a bottle of conditioner. No, I will not dye it burgundy just to suit your fancy. And I would call my hair colour umber, not toadstool goop. Also, I have taken the liberty to declaw Talon. Stop harassing me.
I believe the lady takes offense where none was meant. Well, alright, some offense was meant. But I happen to think toadstools are of a pleasant... earthy hue. I want to use your hair clippings to specially design a conditioner to suit your hair-type.
P.S. Talon is depressed.
I'm really surprised you didn't reply. Why didn't you reply? I have an extensively depressed owl on my hands, and you didn't reply! Is it your cat? Is your cat as depressed as my talonless Talon? Is he as depressed as I am without your barbs? Too depressed to sign my name.
I'm beginning to fear for your health, as there is no other way that you could be so steadfastly ignoring my missives. Please accept this bottle of pepper-up. My other owl, Bruiser, will wait by your side until such a time that you are well enough to write me.
I'm fine; I just hate you, is all. I am, however, a little bruised up by Bruiser now, I'm afraid. Please accept this owl muzzle as a token of my esteem. Also, this is not pepper-up at all. Why are you trying to feed me beauty products? Why do you care about my looks so much?
I hate seeing such potential wasted away because of ignorance when I have the ability to rectify the situation, as I have rectified your teeth in past years. Allow me the pleasure to do your hair?
Draco Brutus Reginald Quintin Lucius Tristan Augustine Malfoy
P.S. Now Bruiser is depressed.
Et al Malfoy:
If it means that you finally will leave me alone, then fine. You may do my hair so long as you allow me to thoroughly examine and test all beauty products and spells. If my hair falls out, turns pink, or in any other way fails to meet my satisfaction, I will return the favour.
Granger Turns Heads! In Diagon Alley yesterday, former hero Hermione Granger appeared with a coiffed new hairstyle. This reporter would describe it as chic, shiny, and umber. Bystander Draco Malfoy claims all credit goes to him and invites all hopeless cases to visit his salon. Yes, he's single!
Retraction: Mr. Draco Malfoy, owner of Bedhead Be Gone, is not single, as stated in yesterday's edition. He is, apparently, taken by the same Miss Hermione Granger whose hair he has saved from certain doom. Granger was quoted saying, "What? No I'm-" but Malfoy kissed her before she finished.