Hey, guys! I can't believe it's the last chapter. Fanfics are always so hard to let go... Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, and for the ungodly amount of favorites and alerts on this thing.
As always, I hope you like the chapter. It was a little emotionally draining to write, but I'm actually really proud of this. Enjoy. (and please excuse the timeline).
I manage to calm down after a couple of minutes and Kurt finally sits back, studying me closely.
"Are you all right?"
I nod as I wipe some of the residual tears off my face. "I think so." Though I'm still not sure what's going on. "I'm really sorry, Kurt, I-"
"Don't start with that again," he says quickly, and I snap my mouth shut. He sighs and rubs his hands over his face.
"This is… complicated," he says, not looking directly at me. "But I'm glad you stopped me. You were supposed to stop me. I was actually… worried that you weren't going to."
Okay, now I'm really confused. He was testing me? Kurt seems to realize what he said a moment later and shakes his head violently.
"No, no, Blaine, it wasn't- I wouldn't have actually done anything if you didn't, I would have stopped…" He's blushing now. "I know you don't like sex."
"Then why did you make me go through all of that?" I don't even bother to dispute the fact anymore. He found out somehow, and denying it's not going to help here. "And why are we even bringing this up again? We talked about it already."
"But you weren't telling me everything." Kurt's voice is soft here, caring, but I still feel myself getting irritated. What business is it of his what happened to me? Why I feel this way?
"I'm allowed to have secrets."
"Not when they're hurting you like this, though." Kurt gestures towards my half-unbuttoned jeans and I squirm. "You broke down, Blaine. You could have just told me you didn't want to, that you wanted me to stop, but you kept going way past your comfort zone until you just… cracked." He grabs my hand and holds it tightly. "Something bad happened to make you act like that. But you have to explain things to me."
I can see I'm not going to get out of this. I stare down at our hands and think for a minute. Kurt cares about me. He's safe. Somehow… somehow I can believe that he's not going to leave me, no matter what I say. But what he'll do instead… that I don't know, and that's what scares me the most. Still, I have to do this. I take a deep breath.
"I've… never really been into sex," I start, hurrying the words a little in anxiety. "I don't know if I was afraid of it before, I just didn't think about it. But then with you… I just love you so much, and I want to make you happy." I blush and clamp my lips shut, but Kurt doesn't make fun of me for the corny phrase.
"Okay. But that doesn't mean you have to do things that make you uncomfortable. You're always telling me that."
"Yeah, but…" It's different. With Kurt… I'd never do anything to make him uncomfortable. I'd do whatever he wants, whether it be cuddling on the couch or- sucking him off. I shiver.
He notices, and moves to wrap his arms around me again. "What is it?"
I relate my thoughts to him slowly, glad to not have to see his reaction. It's quiet for a moment.
"But why would you put yourself through something like that if you wouldn't like it? You deserve to be happy too, Blaine."
I don't respond. No, I don't. Dan made that quite clear. After those three little words, you serve the person you said them to. You do whatever you can to make them happy. It's reward enough to be with Kurt. I don't need anything in return.
"…I love you."
"I understand that." He sounds amused, almost. He pulls away again. "You keep saying that. Do you think I don't believe you?"
I shrug, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I just… want you to know."
He tilts his head then, those clear blue eyes sharp and bright as if they can see right through me. "Did someone not believe you before, when you told them that?"
I swallow. My heart's beating faster- just a little bit, but it's enough. I completely pull out of Kurt's embrace and go to retrieve my shirt. I need to be covered, be that little bit safer right now.
"No," I reply shortly. "He believed me just fine." That was the problem.
"Then what did he do to you?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" I'm angry now, but not at Kurt. At myself, for letting this get so far. At Dan, for managing to ruin the one good relationship I've had even after all this time.
Kurt doesn't say anything, giving me space to breathe. I can hear him moving around quietly, putting his clothes back on. That eases the tension in my stomach a little. This isn't a sexually-charged conversation anymore. It's just a heart-to-heart, between boyfriends. I turn back around.
"Can I ask you something?" Kurt's sitting on his bed now, gazing at me pensively. It's a little bit strange, but I nod.
"About that nightmare you had. The last time you were here." His eyes narrow a little. "That's related, isn't it?"
I open my mouth, then pause as the familiar words echo through my mind again. You're mine. Forever. I can't tell Kurt about this. He'd get upset.
I don't want to be hurt again.
"I'm not allowed to tell you," I say quietly. Though that's probably bad enough to say. That's just going to lead him into his next question-
"According to who?"
I try not to- I know I'm just walking into trouble, doing exactly what Dan would punish me for, but it feels so good to let it all out. Even with the anxiety of wondering what Kurt's going to do to me later, what I'll need to do to myself later. The words spill out of my mouth without much control on my part.
"He was… at first, he was a really good boyfriend. He was older than me, and I was happy that he actually noticed me. I thought he cared. Then he changed." I hope that's enough. I hope he'll take the hint and stop asking. That's all he needs to know, anyway.
Kurt's voice is dangerously quiet. "This was before Dalton?"
I nod distractedly. "Yeah. I was so afraid at first- I thought he would blame me for switching schools, trying to get away from him. He never called or anything but I was still so scared after-"
Kurt interrupts me. "Blaine, were you assaulted?"
My entire body tenses. Was I? Dan was my boyfriend. I let him do all of those things to me, I even let him get me off… I'm not sure if I ever said no, even though I probably felt uncomfortable.
"I… I don't know." I can remember pain. I can remember crying, and trying to hide bloodstains on my clothes from my parents, from the kids at school. I can remember the awful jolt in my stomach whenever I got a call, a text, whenever he entered the room.
I can remember being aroused and wanting to die.
I look up at Kurt, whose eyes are wide in horror.
And I nod.
"Oh, Blaine." Kurt pulls me close to him and buries his face in my neck. I'm unsure what to do for a moment, before I can feel him shaking. He's crying. I wrap my arms around him tightly, stroking his spine with my thumb. Kurt should never cry. I feel awful for putting this on him when he already has his own pain.
We sit like that for a while, just holding each other. Kurt continues to cry, yet he will occasionally throw out a word of encouragement: "it's okay," "you're so brave," or, more often, "I'm sorry." I don't know what he has to be sorry for. He hasn't done anything wrong.
"Blaine, you have to promise me something," Kurt says a few minutes later, once he's stopped crying and the silence is getting awkward enough for me to notice my legs are falling asleep. I immediately murmur an "okay." Anything he wants.
He's quiet for a moment, as if thinking carefully about what he's going to say. "I want you to promise me that you won't ever force yourself into doing something for me. I don't care if you think I need it, or if you feel you need to make up for something. The only time I want to be sexual with you is-" he takes a deep breath- "-is when you're comfortable. When you want to do it. And if that time never comes…"
I've stopped breathing. Does he really mean this? My arms tighten around him.
"It's fine. I don't need sex to be happy. I only need you."
I'm speechless. He's willing to give up such an important (…but is it, really?) experience in order to make me happy. He wants me to be happy.
It's so different from what I'm used to, and yet I can feel the smile spreading across my face, feel a new lightness in my chest that's foreign in its intensity. My arms are so tight around Kurt's body that I'm almost afraid he'll break, but I can't let go.
"Thank you, Kurt," I manage to whisper past the lump forming in my throat.
We can get through this. I can finally feel hope.
THREE MONTHS LATER
We're at the Lima Bean on a long-awaited coffee date. The New Directions are back from their New York trip, and Kurt's busy relating everything (that he hasn't already told me through thirty-five text messages) that happened. They didn't win, though you would think they had; Kurt looks so excited and cheerful and just plain alive that all I can do is stare dazedly at him like a lovestruck puppy.
Ever since that night when I bared everything to him, Kurt's been more supportive than I ever dreamed he would be. He kept his word (not that I ever doubted he would) and hasn't pressured me into anything on our dates, which have become much more enjoyable without that added layer of anxiety. More than that, the way he handled our friends was amazing, eloquently avoiding their teasing enough so that they would understand without actually telling them what happened. My secrets are safe while my preferences are being respected, and it makes me so happy that he would be that considerate of me.
We haven't mentioned Dan since that night. I told him don't want that shadow hanging over me anymore; this relationship is ours, now, and its different. I can feel it. I'm even starting to feel brave enough to consider going further with Kurt, though I don't think he would believe me if I told him. I suppose I understand. The memories haven't faded, even though the scars have.
…I never told Kurt about them. At first, it was from fear of how he'd react, but then I realized it just wasn't necessary. I didn't need to punish myself anymore. I'm free of Dan, I'm clean now, and there's no point in upsetting Kurt over something that no longer plagues me.
"Blaine? Are you listening to me?"
I can't help it. That wonderful, beautiful lightness is in my chest again, and I'm just so happy about being with Kurt, about being free, I have to say it:
"I love you."
Kurt pauses, studying me as he carefully swallows his coffee. I know what he's looking for, and I also know that he won't find it. My mind is clear.
Finally, he smiles, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. "I love you, too."