A/N: This fanfic is a satire and is done entirely for the lulz. If such a story really existed and was done completely seriously, I'm sure every Homestuck fan would die a little inside. I'm not really trying too hard at all. Expect characters to be very out of character! Anyways, enjoy!

Prologue

Once upon a time, on Alternia, a little wiggler was born. But this little wiggler was a little more special than the thousands of others laid by the Mother Grub. The empress somehow gave birth to this little wiggler! Because fuck canon! Hahahahahaha!

"OMGWTFBBQ!" The empress shouted. Because the little wiggler was A MAGIC SPARKLY RAINBOW WIGGLER WITH BIG FANCY HORNS IN THE SHAPES OF HEARTS AND STARS AND SUNS AND MOONS! AND THE HORNS WERE BLUE COLORED! AND HER EYES WERE BLUE TOO! AND HER HAIR WAS ALL PRETTY AND WHITE! BECAUSE FUCK CANON ONCE AGAIN! WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS? OH WELL!

"Magic sparkly rainbow blood is, like, the highest blood ever in paradox space! And she has white hair and blue eyes and horns! She is so speshul!" The empress was shouting.

"I'm gonna name her Rainbowlina Sparkle Jewel Pearl Emerald Gem Glitter Gleam Luna Flower Marrie Suusee! She is the best ever!"

BUT THEN JACK NOIR POOFED IN AND KILLED THE EMPRESS AND KIDNAPPED RAINBOWLINA! OH NO!

Little Thingy That Happened In Between Prologue and Chapter 1

Jack put this spell thingy on Rainbowlina that made her look like a regular troll with purple blood and short pointy horns. He also raised her to be eviiiiiiil, but she is the nicest troll ever and didn't want to be. So he abused her it was so sad!

Chapter 1

Hi, my name is Rainbowlina Marrie Suusee! Yeah, not many trolls have middle names, but I do, because the dude who raised me, Jack Noir, said I was special. But I'm just an ordinary sea dweller with small sharp horns and purple blood. Nothing special. Except there are a lot of things that are different about me. I'm psionic, I can commune with animals, I can withstand the sunlight, I can manipulate other trolls, and I have Vision Pi-fold! My manipulation powers work on all trolls instead of just a few! My lusus is a unicorn-mother grub-sparkledog hybrid!

Okay, so, today I was walking on the beach and I saw another troll somewhere down the beach and I started running toward it. And then when I got there I tackled them! It was so much fun!

"wOaH, yOu MoThErFuCkInG sCaReD mE bRo,"

"Oh! Sorry!" I got up and brushed myself off, blushing. "I'm Rainbowlina Marrie Suusee!"

"WoAh, ThAt NaMe Is MaDe Of FuCkInG mIrAcLeS." He said. "i'M gAmZeE mAkArA."

I giggled. He was so funny! I was beginning to feel flushed for him, even though I had only known him for about 3 minutes.

"HeY, yOu WaNnA hEaD iNtO mY hIvE aNd ShArE a MoThErFuCkInG sLiMe PiE?"

"Um... No thanks. But I'd love to come into your hive!" I said, grinning.

For the next few hours, he showed me around his hive, while we just talked about things. He was constantly offering me slime pies, which I always politely declined. And when I had to go back to my own hive, we traded trolltags and parted ways.

When I got back to my hive, my lusus was sleeping peacefully. When I went up to my respiteblock, I opened the door and saw... Jack Noir!