Disclaimer: The goblins have run off with the paperwork declaring I do not own X-Men: Evolution, Labyrinth, or any character other than my OCs! The goblins! The GOBLINS!

A/N: This play is dedicated to anyone born before 1990. Thank you!

And now without further ado, Raven and Lightning present…


Scene 3: Misdirection

Raven yawns as she enters the studio with Lightning trailing behind. She glares at her boyfriend. "What?" he asks.

"It is not fair that you don't need as much rest as I do."

He laughs, which gets him knocked through the wall again. Needless to say, Raven is feeling much better when he wakes up. She chews a severely cayenne peppered slice of pizza while he glares at her.

"Do we even want to know what this is about?" Scott asks.

"All night Alfred Hitchcock marathon," the lovebirds declare (1). Scott screams and starts hugging himself.

Bobby shakes his head. "Can we please start the play so I can finally do my part?"

Raven nods, "I think that is the first time Bobby has had a good idea."

Lightning tries to think of another time just to pick a fight, but he can't. So instead, he just says, "Hmm, that may be true." That earns him a smile from Raven, and he feels like it is almost as good as starting a fight would have been.

"Lights! Camera! Action!" Raven orders.

Rogue sits down in the heavily-glittered labyrinth. She feels like crying. She puts her head in her hand and sighs in frustration.

"'Allo," Bobby says.

Rogue looks around in confusion until she see the little, blue, furry, costumed Bobby-Worm. "Did ya say 'hello'?"

"No, I said, ''Allo,' but that's close enough," he says.

"Ya're a worm, aren't ya?"

"Yeah, that's right," Bobby says, apparently completely at ease with his worm status.

"Y'all don't, by any chance, know the way through this labyrinth, do ya?" she asks desperately.

"Who, me? Nah, I'm just a worm," Bobby says. Several of the New Mutant girls giggle, but a glare from the exhausted Raven shuts them up quickly.

"Oh," Rogue sighs.

"Come inside, meet the missus," Bobby says and then gulps. "Missus? I'm married? To who?"

"Jubilee," Lightning answers.

"Oh, well, I guess it could be worse," he says with a shrug. Jubilee glares at him and throws the nearest object at him. He barely dodges the carton of rice. "Hey, you could have squashed me!"

Raven yawns, "Okay, no squashing Bobby until we are done with his scene, please."

Everyone stops and stares with open jaws.

"What? Can I not be polite once and a while?"

"It just doesn't happen often…" Lance stupidly says. He finds his foot-tall-self flying through the air and landing in a bowl of dip.

Fred groans. "Aw, Lance, why'd you have to go and land in the dip? I was eating that!" He wisely blames Lance instead of Raven.

Lance peals a chip off his head, "Oh, like you don't get enough food?"

This little argument threatens to turn into an all-out chaotic war. However, Raven has had enough. Her glowing, yellow eyes glare at the cast and crew as she floats above where her chair used to be. The chair itself, and Lightning's chair, orbit around her. "I am done. Get back to work, and Fred, give Lance a bath!"

With a gulp, Fred picks Lance up and trots to the water fountain. Lance does not complain. Lightning comes out from hiding only when the chairs are back in place. Raven and Lighting turn back to the stage.

Rogue continues, "No, thank y'all, but— Ah have ta solve this labyrinth. But there ain't any turns or any openin's or anythin'. It just goes on and on and!" Her voice rises with each word.

"Well," Bobby says, "you ain't looking right. It's full of openings, it's just you ain't seeing them."

"Well, where are they?"

"There's one just across there. It's right in front of you."

Rogue looks at the labyrinth wall. "No, there ain't."

"Come inside and have a nice cup of tea."

"But there ain't an openin'."

"Of course there is," he says with a laugh. "You try walking through it. You'll see what I mean."

"What?" she asks, turning back towards Bobby.

"Go on, go on then," he urges.

"That's just wall. There's no way through."

"Things are not always what they seem in this place. So you can't take anything for granted."

She turns back to the wall, holds out her hands, and tries to walk through the wall. She ends up walking into another corridor. "Hey!" She smiles as starts walking left.

"Hang on," Bobby calls.

"Thank ya!" she calls peeking her head through the opening again. "That was incredibly helpful."

"Don't go that way," Bobby says with a warning tone in his voice.

"What was that?"

"I said, don't go that way. Never go that way."

Rogue looks at the other passage. "Oh, thanks!" She heads down the right passage.

Bobby shakes his small head. "If she'd have kept on going down that way she'd have gone straight to that castle."

Later on, Rogue has made it to a different part of the maze. The bricks are cream under the red mud, and there is much less glitter. As she walks, she comes upon what could be a sign explaining which way to go. The problem is, there are no words—just hands pointing in different directions. She looks confused until she hears David crying off stage. "David," she whispers. "Ah'm comin', David." She takes off towards the crying at a run.

Inside the castle, David sits crying his eyes out, surrounded by scary-looking muppets, Evan, Mastermind, Mesmero, and Calisto.

Toad shivers. "I'd be crying too if I was up there, yo."

"Shut up!" Fred begs at a whisper.

Todd shuts up quickly.

"Give me back this!" Mastermind shouts.

"Go on, get off me," growls Calisto.

"Stay out of the way," orders Evan.

"What are you talking about?" Mesmero roughly inquires.

A strange and dizzy melody plays.

"Walk, walk, walk," Mastermind insists.

Remy sits in his throne. His hair is in the same style, but he wears different clothes. His tights are gray. His shirt is white and billowy. He also wears a black, leather vest and boots. He taps the throne with a long riding crop. His black-gloved hand masks his face as he looks thoughtfully towards the clock.

A goblin shots a spitball at a chicken, which makes other goblins laugh hysterically.

David is still crying.

Remy gets up. He grabs Evan by the throat. "You remind Remy of t'e babe."

"What babe?" Evan chokes out.

"T'e babe wit' t'e power."

"What power?"

"T'e power of voodoo," Remy says.

"Who do?" Calisto asks.

"You do."

"Do what?" Mesmero asks.

"Remind Remy of t'e babe," he says, making the goblins laugh again. "Quiet! A goblin babe," and he starts laughing. The goblins don't join in. He stops. "Well?" They immediately start laughing. Remy starts singing about seeing his baby crying hard and the magic of dance. Soon, all the goblins are singing and dancing along. This makes David stop crying and smile. As Remy dances around, all the girls, except Raven naturally, drool. The four mutant goblins sing along. Remy manages to kick a few muppet goblins across the room.

During his song, Rogue is still searching for the right path. She takes her lipstick out and marks an arrow on a stone in the path. She heads the way it points. After she passes, Lance lifts the stone up. "Hey, what's going on?" He jabbers nonsense that ends with him shaking his fist at her and yelling, "Your mother is a fraggin' aardvark!" No protests arise on that point. That is probably because Mystique is not there. During this, he has managed to turn the stone upside down.

Unaware of the short goblin's anger, Rogue marks another stone and turns down the lane. Lance flips that stone as well.

Back in the castle, Remy holds David. "In nine hours and 23 minutes, you'll be mine." He laughs with the goblins again. Carefully, he sets David down and starts to dance and sing again. This time he sings about his baby trying hard and more dance magic. Evan and Calisto hold David's hands. They are actually the least scary looking goblins, excluding Remy, who just looks hot. When David starts laughing, Remy picks him up and dances with him, throwing him up in the air.

With her lipstick almost gone, Rogue makes a final arrow on the path. Lance has a Random Shrunken Goblin Extra to help him turn the stone. "You got it?" Lance asks.

"I got it," the Random Shrunken Goblin Extra replies.


Rogue sighs as she looks around. "Oh, no." She turns right around and looks at her arrow. It is facing a different direction. "Someone has been changin' my marks." She throws the lipstick tube. "What a horrible place this is. It's not fair!"

"That's right. It's not fair," Amanda says. Rogue looks up. The dead-end she just encountered has been replaced by two guarded doors. The red guard has Jean and an upside-down Amanda. The blue guard has Tabby and an upside-down Danielle. The girls are hidden by large shields that cover everything but their hands, feet, and heads. She slowly approaches them. The guards laugh. "But that's only half of it," Amanda continues.

"This was a dead end a minute ago."

"No, that's the dead end behind you," Danielle says. The guards laugh again.

Rogue turns around. Sure enough, the walls, thanks to Pietro and Forge, have closed behind her. She is trapped. Panicked, she cries out, "It keeps changin'. What am Ah supposed ta do?"

"Well, the only way out of here is to try one of these doors," Amanda informs her.

"One of them leads to the castle at the center of the labyrinth," Danielle says, "and the other one leads to…"

"Babababoom," Tabby sings.

"Certain death," Danielle finishes.

The guards all say, "ooooo," in the way people say it when they are pretending to be a ghost. Scott screams loudly and runs into the men's room to lock himself in a stall.

Rogue rolls her eyes at him and then asks the guards, "Which one is which?"

"Eh, we can't tell you," Amanda says.

"Why not?"

"We don't know."

"But they do," Danielle says.

"Oh, then Ah'll ask them," Rogue says.

"Uh, no, you can't ask us," Jean insists. "You can only ask one of us."

"Mm hmm, it's in the rules," Tabby states. "And I should warn you that one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies. That's a rule, too. She always lies."

"I do not. I tell the truth," Jean snaps.

"Oh, what a lie!" Tabby remarks.

"She's the liar!" Jean insists.

"All right," Rogue says to Jean, "Answeh yes or no. Would she tell me that this dooh leads ta the castle?"

Jean leans behind her shield and grumbles to Amanda. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," Amanda replies.

"Yes," Jean finally answers.

"Then the otheh dooh leads ta the castle, and this dooh leads ta certain death," Rogue deciphers.

"How do you know? She could be telling the truth," Jean asks.

"But then y'all wouldn't be," Rogue says. "So if ya told me that she said yes, Ah know the answeh is no."

"But I could be telling the truth," Jean insists.

"But then she would be lying," Rogue says. "So if y'all told me that she said yes, Ah know the answeh would still be no."

"Wait a minute." Jean turns to Tabby and asks, "Is that right?"

"I don't know. I've never understood it," Tabby says. The guards start laughing again.

"No, it's right. Ah've figured it out. Ah could neveh do it before. Ah think Ah'm getting' smarteh. This is a piece av cake." She opens the door, takes a step and immediately falls through a huge hole in the set.

"And cut!" Raven calls, with another yawn.

"Well," Lightning begins.

"If you say that went well, I swear I will not speak to you for a month!" Raven growls.

Remy helps Rogue up out of the hole. She can't help staring at his tights, um, er, face… yeah, let's go with face. He smirks at her. "Oh, get that smirk off yer face, Swamp Rat, before Ah smack it off."

Remy starts laughing.

Lance and Bobby approach the directors. "Can we be unshrunk now? Please?" they beg. Very loud screams erupt from the men's room.

Raven shrugs. "I don't really care. Forge, go ahead and unshrink Lance and Bobby."

Taryn starts squeaking noisily.

Raven rolls her eyes. "Because they asked politely, Taryn." She yawns again. Lawr, can we go? I need some sleep."

He nods, and they leave, and so shall we.

AN: (1) Get your heads out of the gutter! Lol I do not own Alfred Hitchcock!

Look, I'm not dead!

First and foremost, I am truly sorry about the wait. Life is what it is. Please understand that I am not a teenager with nothing but time on my hands. I am an adult with a husband and three children, have been going to college full time, and now I will be getting a full-time job as soon as I can. Time to write must be stolen from the few moments I have to myself. However, I have been very ill. I ended up going to see a neurologist who informed me that 1) it is NOT cancer (Thank God!), and 2) that it IS Chronic Migraine. So, between being so sick I could barely walk, graduating college, and the holidays… writing got put on the back burner.

Second of all, let's talk about grammar in the Southern United States. Everyone throughout the country, and a few of you English-speakers in other countries, know that y'all is a contraction which means "you all." However, if you are not from the Southern United States, you may misunderstand the proper way to use it. Many of you will think that "you all" is plural, so y'all is always plural. That is not the case. Here in the South, we understand, and Rogue would too, that y'all is singular, and "y'all all" is plural. Thank you.

Next up, the oubliette!