This had started out in desperation.
I don't really know why I'd started visiting the local bar, but I had.
I don't really know what I'd thought was going to happen there.
But every now and then on a Saturday at seven pm I'd show up at Stan's advertised hot spot that had every liquor known to frequent a hick's dream, and order myself a coke and rum.
At the first couple of my visits Jane came with me, seven months after Thor had yet to return; saying 'it's not likely that tonight's going to be any different than last night' or the last night, or the last night, or the last night, or the hundred 'last night's after that.
She really was kind of a sad little geek.
(But I'd be bitch if I didn't say she was my sad little geek.)
So after the first five Saturdays came and went I let her go, I could see in her eyes that she was just itching to wait for her Nordic Fabio to return to her. Even if that meant watching the skies with tear filled eyes, heart fluttering at the slightest of disturbances in that giant star littered dark mass, ever hopeful and true.
For those seven months I had stayed by her side, only so that she wouldn't be alone in the merciless dessert of New Mexico, at first it made me sad to see her waiting for him. She had been so strong and independent before all of this, not the sob story whiney ass bitch she's turned into. 'Mehhhhhhh, where'd he go….? Why isn't he here yet…..? Ughhh, what is the point in living without my hunky mannnnnn….? Darcy why did you eat all my chocolattttttte…..? I thought we were friendssssssssssssss…'.
You know what? Yes I am a heartless skank, I'm angry at a friend who's merely missing her not official boyfriend. It's not her fault, and I should help her through this.
BUT SHE HAS BEEN LIKE THIS FOR TEN MONTHS NOW.
THAT ALMOST A YEAR OF 'Life is soo hard without Thorrrrrrrrrrr… I still love him soooo much, even though I hardly know him… He wouldn't lie to meee…. He loves me toooo…. Right Darcy?'
IF IT WASN'T FOR TWITTER THAT WOMAN WOULD BE DEAD.
(Twitter is where I angst my little heart out.)
JANE FOSTER WOULD BE DEAD. I WOULD HAVE KILLED HER. WHAT WOULD SHE BE? DEAD. WHY? BECAUSE I KILLED HER. WHAT WOULD BE MY MOTIVE? SHE WAS BEING ANNOYING.
I can be a good friend, I promise.
But that woman is driving me crazy.
And thus, my trips to the bar… Began…
Again, I don't really know what I was doing or why I was going, but I was. I'm not even sure where I even got the idea to go in the first place. It wasn't a place that was anything like the bars at my hometown where I grew up, yet it was a place I would turn to for comfort, or at least a good mix of coke and rum. And that seemed worth it enough, that was a good enough excuse.
But really… I've known all along what I've wanted…
I want a guy.
Yea, shut up, I know I'm kinda being a hypocrite since I was just complaining about what a complete nuisance Jane was being ever since she met Thor, but…
No, I'll tell you now that it's not just for sex, although that would be nice…
But… What I want… What I really, truly, want…
Is someone I can be with.
I dunno, maybe that's why I've been so pissed off at Jane, 'cuz she has someone, and I don't. It's just… I've seen the way he looks at her, and the way she looks at him… And it's almost scary, that intense love that they have, and how fast it happened; that terrifying knowledge that they would do anything for each other, even if it meant watching the stars for forever, even if it meant searching for forever for a gateway that might not exist.
I want that.
And I have never wanted that more than I have right now.
So here I sit, at the bar, on a Saturday, at eight twenty five pm.
The night is still young.
But I know that this night will end the same as last night.
(And the last night, and the last night, and the last night, and the last night.)
I will leave this place alone, without a soul to hold close to mine.