When In Doubt, Go Leather

The Autobiography of Sirius Black

********

Chapter One- Aliens Exist





July 19, 1978



"Sirius!" James Potter, my best buddy, my home-dawg, mi amigo, my bro, whatever you want to call him, yelled up the stairs for me. I was up in my room, reading the latest issue of the wizard biker magazine Fly. At eighteen, neither of us had much of an income, so we were living in this tiny little house we'd financed together with his girlfriend, Lily Evans

Him and Lily are a totally different story, however. This is all about me, remember? They have their own little melodramas. Mine are more interesting.

"What?"

"Me and Lils are going out, okay? We'll be back at...." I could envision him glancing at his watch. The big bling-blingin' one that we could have hawked for at least 100 Galleons or so. "....at the earliest 11. Okay?"

"Fine, fine. Go out, snog your girlfriend, whatever." I gave a very false sniffle. "Leave me.....let me get eaten alive by the Lethifolds that lurk under my dresser...." I let loose a very dramatic sigh.

I pictured James smirking. "There are no Lethifolds under your dresser, Sirius. Even if there were they would've attacked you already."

"Shhh!" I hissed. "It might hear you. This particular Lethifold is very stupid. It has not realized that it can attack me."

"Goodbye, Sirius," both James and Lily called upstairs. I heard the door shut downstairs.

Excellent. I had the house to myself. But what could I do?

I made my way downstairs, having decided to heat up some of the lasagna Lily had made us for dinner last night. Lily was a very good cook.

But again, that is another story.

I had turned on the Wizarding Wireless that James had bought Lily for her birthday and was humming along to the newest tune by the Minotaurs, "Veritaserum (Love Trap)" It wasn't all that good of a song, but it was either that or this ancient song called "I Dream of Bubotubers."

I set down my magically-heated plate of lasagna, lit a candle and wolfed down the meal, which also included some garlic toast and a salad. I even treated myself to four slices of Lily's chocolate-cherry marble cheesecake that I wasn't supposed to eat until my birthday, which was in three days.

I washed the dishes, giving a slight glance at the cat clock that ticked above the stove. It was only 9:36, and already I was feeling tired. I decided to have a cup of tea while I watched the comedy variety show on the telly we all pitched in to buy when we first moved in. Lily had been a bit reluctant because she thought it would cause us to become "lazy couch potatoes." We, meaning James and I, had insisted it would "bring us together at nights to watch the Muggle news and an occasional football game."

****

I settled myself on the comfortable blue-plaid sofa in front of the telly, my cup of tea and lemon bar in front of me. I gave a small laugh as Colin Dillimey, tonight's stand-up comic, told a joke about the traffic Muggles had. They thought their traffic was bad? Try using Floo Powder to get to Diagon Alley in summer. Right there, that's traffic. You often find yourself in the middle of the place you started from and the place you wanted to end up. I'm shivering just thinking about the time....

Hold on, yet again I get sidetracked. You have to stop me when I start doing that.

Anyway, Dillimey was thanking the audience for their assistence in paying him and a new comedian was coming on. I switched the channel to a football game, in which England was badly losing to Spain. I remember being deeply insulted by this. So insulted that I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.....

****

When I woke up, I was laying on a very cold silver table in a circular, silvery room covered in little dots of glittering, moving lights of multicolors, no longer wearing my sweat bottoms and T-shirt, but....well....nothing. And I must say it looked good on me. I tried to sit up to see where the hell I was, considering we did not have a silver examiner's table at our house....unless James and Lily had some twisted little secret room I didn't know about...oh, disgusting.

Let's not think about that, shall we?

I noticed a smaller table, one with very sharp, silvery objects with more little lights blinking all over the handles. There was one with a hooked metal tip, rather like the Grim Reaper's weapon, only smaller, with green and yellow blinking lights. Another was tiny, smooth, and flat with a very sharp tip, with red lights. There was also a very small pink mirror wrapped in a yellow cloth.

"You awaken."

I jumped and turned to face the voice. Standing in what I guessed was the doorway stood a tiny little guy, probably four feet. He was very wrinkly and a pale blue color. His head was oversized, eyes small and red, unblinking. He wore around his waist a silver skirt-like thing with a belt with more flashing lights, all different colors.

He gave me an odd little smile. "Your name?"

I blinked. Suddenly, I couldn't remember my name. "Er..." I said, rather intelligently. "Why don't you tell me your name, Zurg?"

He laughed impishly. "My name is not Zurg. It is Sorifikoret."

I blinked again. "How about we just call you Sor, huh?"

Sor glared. "My name is Sorifikoret. Not Sor." He sounded rather insulted by my nickname.

I winked. "I thought it was rather dashing."

Sor pressed one of the lights on his belt. "Zjugenflaven, take this imbecile out of my sight."

I started to feel slightly panicked. "Um, Sorifikoret is fine with me. We can call you Sorifikoret."

But it was too late. Another little alien guy, presumeably Zjugenflaven, who was pale green and dressed in an orange metallic suit, had already entered the circular room. He grunted.

Sor snapped his shrimpy, wrinkled blue fingers. "Take him away," he said lazily. Zjugenflaven came closer to my table, laughing in a grunty sort of way. I tried to struggle when Zjugenflaven began to pick me up, but I was weakened. The aliens must have done something to me.....

Not like that, you nasty little bugger!

Dirty minded, you.

Zjugenflaven took me to another room. This one was not circular, but triangle-shaped, but still silver. It appeared to be a living quarters of some sort, because I noticed a tiny cot, also silver with orange metallic blankets and a thin, pink pillow. Zjuganflaven forced me onto the bed and sat me down. He dragged an uncomfortable-looking red plastic chair to face me and sat on it.

"So," he grunted. "What are you doing here?"

"Maybe you'd like to tell me that," I responded, looking around the room.

He looked startled. "Usually the Humans have a reason for coming aboard Jijuka."

I stopped looking and faced him. "Oh, is that what this hellhole is called?"

"Yes."

I raised my eyebrows. "Ah. So, is Sor the leader of you guys or something?"

"The what?" Zjugenflaven looked confused. "L-le-der?"

I rolled my eyes. "Lee-der. It's the...er....lifeform who controls the other lifeforms."

Zjugenflaven actually laughed. "Yes. That is Sorifikoret. His great- grandfather founded Jijuka 12,000 years ago."

"Really? How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

He wrinkled his already wrinkled forehead. "Ah, 1,596 in three rotations."

"Rotations?"

"The amount of time it takes to circle around the sun," he explained. "We call them rotations. How old are you?"

"Eighteen years," I said proudly. I don't really know how I knew how old I was, considering I couldn't even remember my name.

He looked nonplussed, but didn't bother to say anything else.

"Well," he said finally, standing up. "Your meal will arrive in a bit."

He then left.

******

After about an hour after Zjugenflaven left, I wondered if they (meaning the aliens, of course) knew I was a wizard. Maybe the aliens were conducting experiments on Muggles, then figured out that there was a magical community and wanted the best possible wizard on earth.

They found him, alright. The best looking, anyway.

Zjugenflaven came back with a bowl of some white stuff with little blue dot things in it. "Is that my meal?" I asked him disgustedly. He looked shocked and a bit insulted.

"The gourmet chef, Zjulaperie, prepared this meal!" he said. "He is the best chef in the galaxy!"

I looked down at the mush. "What is this?" I inquired innocently, poking it with the straw-like stick he gave me to eat it with.

He sighed, rubbing his little green stomach. "It is the finest ground moon rock with added water from Mars, mixed with a blue cheese from your own planet."

I felt like puking.

"Um, I'll eat it later." I put the bowl of moon rock on the bedside table, wrinkling my nose. He sighed.

"Well, we're ready to bring you in, anyway," he said dramatically.

I perked up. "Bring me in? As in...take me home?"

Zjugenflaven gave a cold laugh. "No." He sounded like an Italian mob boss right there, and it kind of scared me. "No, we have to run some....er....tests before you can go home."

"What--" I didn't get the chance to finish my question because he lifted me up and took me to another room.......

********

I woke up to the sound of a key being turned in the lock and laughing. I sat straight up, grabbing for my wand.

My wand.

I was home.

I breathed a sigh of relief as James stepped through the door followed by Lily. They hung their coats up, still laughing. They obviously didn't notice me there, because Lily put her arms around James and he leaned in and kissed her, both still smiling like idiots.

"Did you have a nice evening?" I asked obnoxiously. Lily pulled apart from James, wiping her mouth embarrassedly. James shot me a look that said quite clearly "Damn you." I surmised he knew I was there the whole time.

"Yes," he said through clenched teeth. "We had a lovely evening."

Lily smiled. "What about you, Sirius? What did you do while we were gone?"

Oh, had some dinner, watched a little television, got abducted by aliens including one named Zjugenflaven. You?

I shrugged. "Nothing much."

*******

I never found out what the aliens did to me while I was passed out before I went home. Frankly, I have no interest in knowing. What I don't know can't kill me....or make me want to change my name and have a sex change.

But from now on, I wait up for James and Lily when they go out for dates....just in case.

*******

A/N: I think it speaks for itself, don't you?

Disclaimer: Sirius, James, and Lily all unfortunately belong to J.K.R. If they belonged to me, I would not be writing this. I would be out buying my own personal Macy's to go with my new bling-blingin' mansion. The aliens, their names, and the spaceship belong to me- but you can have all of them except Zjugenflaven. He's mine :)

This is just a sampling, mind you. I have up to chapter 3 done, but I'm saving it until I finish my L/J thingie, CitM. I just wanted to see what the reaction would be......tell me!