When in Doubt, Go Leather
The Autobiography of Sirius Black
Chapter Four: The Beauty and the Baby
James had wasted absolutely no time in getting dear Lily knocked up, and by now she was very pregnant, and very irritable. Everything I did or said made her mad, and she was getting me quite frustrated as well. James told me repeatedly to stop talking back to her, and to quit showing off my abs when she was feeling so bloated and unattractive.
It was summer, and an uncharacteristically hot one at that, so of course that was just another stick up Lily's arse. She yelled at James quite often for impregnating her when he knew she'd be giving birth in July, for God's sake. She said that, from now on, they were not having sex until nine months before December.
James dealt with this calmly to his wife's face, but sometimes I caught him throwing knives at the wall.
On July 30, Lily woke up at no later than 2:27 in the morning with contractions. James, who was an Auror, was on a raid, and it was uncertain as to when he would be home.
So Lily came stumbling into my room, and flicked on the light. I did not notice immediately until she threw the first thing that came to her reach (which happened to be a lamp) at me.
"Bloody hell!" I shouted at her, once I'd woken up and the lamp had made contact with the back of my neck. "You could've given me a concussion!'
Lily did not apologize. "Well, I guess it's lucky for both of us that I didn't, because you have to contact my mother, our friends, and my husband, because I'm going to have this baby. My water just broke."
She said this as though it was supposed to mean something to me. It did not, but I decided to humor her anyway.
"Why do I have to?"
"You're godfather," Lily responded shortly. "And because I'm in pain, and if I call someone, I may end up verbally abusing them. And you also have to drive me to the hospital."
"We don't have a car. And why can't we use Floo powder, my dear Lily?" I was trying to be nice to her, because I didn't want her to get violent with me.
"I'm nine months pregnant, Sirius, and I'm about to have a baby. Listen to what I say. Call a bleeding taxi, and while you're at it, put on some pants."
She waddled out of the room. Lately, I'd taken to calling her 'Penguin' because of the way she walked, but this had made her cry more than once and James had to give me another lecture.
Sighing, I did as I was told.
"My sister, you see," I said to the attractive nurse, sighing, "fell in love with this prat. Soon as he found out she was pregnant, he left her. I'm the only family she's got left, and…I just hope I can be enough for her."
"That's awful," breathed the nurse, placing a hand over her heart. "You don't look a thing like your sister, though."
"Oh," I said, thinking quickly. "Lily and I, we have different fathers. Her father was a terrible drunk, you see. And my father is John Travolta."
"I love that movie he did!" she gasped. "Urban Cowboy!"
"It pays the child support," I told her evenly.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, and James was standing behind me, still in his Auror uniform, wearing an amused expression on his face.
I gasped dramatically. "How dare you come around here!" I exclaimed.
James's face changed from entertained to puzzled. "What?"
"You haven't spoken to Lily since you got her knocked up, and you expect us to just welcome you with open arms? No, sir!"
"Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Excuse me, Jessica," I said, reading the name of the nurse's nametag for the first time. "I have to talk some sense into this man."
"How dare you do that to Sirius's poor sister?" Jessica said to James accusingly.
"His--" James began, laughing as he realized what was going on, but I clapped a hand over his mouth.
"I'll handle him," I said.
Jessica nodded, shooting James a glare as she checked the chart in front of her.
"Are you using my pregnant wife to get you girls?" James asked.
"Hey, at least she's good for something," I said. "I got bored. I've been here for four hours, James, you can't expect me to read Ladies' Home Journal for that long."
"What, they don't have Playboy here?" James inquired, smirking.
I shook my head. "Surprising, isn't it?"
"Oh, shocking. How's Lily doing?"
"I don't know," I said delicately. "I've stayed away from her. She seems to be in a lot of pain, and I don't want her to take it out on me."
James sighed, and went into Lily's room.
I was awakened again early in the morning, this time by James, who was beaming. "Sirius!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I'm a dad."
"That's great," I muttered, shifting in my sleep.
James hit me. "Come on. Come see your godson."
I grudgingly woke up and followed James into Lily's room. "What time is it?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
"A little after midnight," Lily replied. Both she and James were just smiling, and they were making me feel tired. Lily was holding a little bundle wrapped in a blue blanket, and her mother was standing next to her, clutching Lily's shoulder.
"Want to hold him?" Lily asked quietly.
"Sure," I said, and held out my arms. James pushed me into a chair.
"I'd feel much more comfortable if you sat," he said.
I stuck my tongue out at him, and Lily placed their son in my arms. "Mind his head," Lily's mother reminded me, dancing around me. Suddenly, images of very attractive girls performing a ceremonial worship ritual centered around me filled my mind. I grinned as the women began to chant my name…
Lily mistook this for awe towards her child. "He's wonderful, isn't he?"
"Sure," I replied. "What's his name?"
Lily sighed dreamily. "Harry."
I choked on a laugh. James, Lily, and Lily's mother glared at me.
"What is wrong with 'Harry'?" Lily wanted to know.
I sputtered through my laughter, "Well, it just reminds me of…well, it always reminds me of some ninety year old man, drinking brandy and hiring prostitutes. Many, many prostitutes…" I sniggered.
Lily stared at me. James groaned. Lily's mother turned to look at me and informed me coolly, "'Harry' was my father's name."
"He had lots of girlfriends, didn't he?" I said, snickering.
Lily's mother chose not to reply to this. "Lily, I'm going to get a cup of coffee," she said instead, gathering her jacket and purse.
Once she left, James hit me again. "What is your problem?" he demanded.
"Come on, Jamesie, if it wasn't your kid it'd be funny, right?"
Harry came home with us three days later. He made life rather uncomfortable for me, what with all that waking up screaming at four o' clock in the morning. He also took up most of Lily's attention and time, especially when James was gone. This meant that Lily did a lot less cooking and a lot more bottle making. Which meant that I did a lot less eating good food, and a lot more trips to the ice-creamery six blocks away.
But overall, I didn't mind him too much. He was often entertaining, especially once he started talking at about ten months old. He was exceptionally good at it, and James and Lily were shocked when he started saying full phrases--dirty phrases at that.
Of course, I'd taught him these phrase to see what kind of rise I could get out of his parents. So when he told Lily, "Nice rack!" and she dropped the plate she'd been holding, I started hyperventilating I was laughing so hard.
"Sirius!" she exclaimed, not quite knowing what to do with Harry, "where did he learn that?"
"You know," I finally said between laughs, "I've told James not to let him watch so much television."