Battle of the Harems

Summary: Xander and Buffy are fighting for control of the Council, and their respective harems are there to help. Totally a crackfic, people!

Challenges: just Musie being her wicked self, with some help from some beta buds.

Timeline: post-'Chosen'.

A/N: This is meant to be mostly funny, so please remember that.

Thanks to my betas: nobody, just some convos with a couple buds.

Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.

Scotland castle

Xander stood in front of the castle doors, looking like an old western cowboy preparing for a shoot-out. His harem flanked him on either side. "You knew since Sunnydale sank that we'd eventually end up here, Buff. I can't let you ruin the lives of the Slayers. The Council is mine, and my girls will make sure of that," he vowed arrogantly.

"Are you for real?" Buffy asked with an incredulous roll of her eyes. She gestured to her harem standing behind her. Only Giles, Wes and Faith stood beside her, as they represented both the old and the new Councils. "Hello! I've got like five times the number of fighters that you do."

He simply smirked back at her. "Yeah, but almost all of mine are Slayers. Add Willow, the superwitch, and we're unbeatable."

Before Buffy could respond to that, Xander's favorite harem girl screeched at decibels which could shatter glass, "What about me, Xander? I'm the Key!" she demanded, like it mattered.

Attempting to placate his shrill-ish lover, Xander made a critical error by murmuring in her ear, "Hey, baby, you know I love you best." He forgot that the rest of his lovers had super hearing, or could augment her hearing to match the Slayers' in Willow's case.

While Xander's harem dissolved into numerous catfights over who he loved the most, Buffy turned to her harem to hand out their orders, "Harry, Charlie, Hermoine, Luna and Neville…you pull down Willow's wards and put up yours. Lindsey, Jack, Teal'c, Gunn, Gibbs, Horatio, MacManus brothers, Winchester brothers, Faith, Calleigh and Eliot…pack up their weapons and set up our armory how you see fit. Wes, Fred, Andrew, Spencer, McGee, Giles, Carter and Daniel…switch out the library. Cordy, Satsu, Abby, Parker…take the Slayers and the other girls to pack up their personal belongings," she said, gesturing to the pile of girls punching, kicking, scratching, and biting each other. "Maybe if we're lucky, they'll still be fighting by the time you finish."

Faith scowled at her lover, and complained, "I don't like leaving you here unprotected."

Kissing the brunette Slayer fiercely until they were gasping for air, Buffy assured her, "Hey, I've got the Blur, Green Arrow and Zatanna here to protect me. I'm safer than the crown jewels."

As they watched Xander attempting to calm 'his girls' down, Hotch and Graham appointed themselves as Buffy's personal non-superhero bodyguards, which Buffy expected they'd do; that's why she didn't give them orders. Hotch was the one to ask the question that a few of the 'normals' were wondering, "How did you know that we wouldn't have to fight today? You didn't even have us unpack our weapons."

"Sheldon…do you want to answer this for me?" Buffy asked, smiling brightly at her Nobel Laureate lover.

Moving to her side, Sheldon spoke with his usual air of brilliance and superiority, "Simply put, we were the logical choice to be the victors today. The other side is based on a system of competition for a single person's affections, while our side is a community which encourages interpersonal relationships with others, not just our queen. All Buffy had to do was instigate in-fighting on their side, and we wouldn't even have to get our hands dirty to win. A brilliant tactic on her part, I must say."

Just as Buffy predicted, her people finished their tasks before Xander's harem finished their fighting. Rather than worry about them, Buffy just smiled at her assembly of lovers and motioned towards the castle. "Time to settle into our new home and prepare for the Slayers' training tomorrow."

A/N: The Sunnydale Slayers were adults and so was Dawn when this fic occurred. The Slayers on Buffy's side – other than her and Faith – were not part of the harem, strictly speaking. They aren't sexually active with anyone.

Additional disclaimers: Don't own Stargate, CSI: Miami, NCIS, Leverage, Smallville, Criminal Minds, The Big Bang Theory, Boondock Saints, Supernatural or Harry Potter. Their creators/production companies do. Only using the castle and Satsu from the comics, otherwise I still don't like them and would never even want to own them.