Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or anything related to it.
Warning: Includes self-harm, so please don't read if that's a trigger for you.
The scratches are healed. It took longer than I thought it would. And they itched like crazy. How long the scars will be left visible, I have no idea. Those marks, however, are burned into my mind. I will always see them.
Blaine closed his journal and returned it to the secret spot under the false bottom in his desk drawer. He needed a place to keep his thoughts, a safe place, because he couldn't handle them all being in his head. Half the time he never remembered what he wrote down, the other half they remained a vague memory.
Transferring to Dalton had made his life so much easier. He no longer had to worry about walking down the hallway or getting beat up and taunted on his way home from school. For the most part, he could be himself. He was safe physically now, it was his emotional demons he had yet to come to terms with.
"Hey Blaine!" The muffled yell came through his door. "Let me in! I've been knocking forever!" It was Jeff, a fellow Warbler and friend.
"Sorry about that man," Blaine said as he opened his door, "I must have zoned out for a bit." The shorter boy took a step back so the blonde could enter the room.
"Zoned out for sure, where ever you were." Jeff replied, handing Blaine the papers that were in his hands. "You missed the entire Warblers practice." The tall boy took a seat the desk while Blaine leafed through the new sheet music. "We sent Kurt up here to get you but when he returned, he said you weren't here."
Blaine took a look at the clock on his wall to make sure that he wasn't being pranked. Sure enough, it read a quarter to 7. He had been in his room all afternoon. He knew that for a fact. Why would Kurt lie like that? He first worked on his homework, being the good student that he knew he had to be. But once that was finished...Blaine's right hand immediately clutched at his left wrist.
Hell. Who was he trying to kid. Scratches were a simple, plausible excuse. Everyone just accepted his explanation. He never gave them any reason not to.
But that's not what they were. He couldn't let himself forget that.
"Blaine?" Hearing Jeff's voice brought him back from his thoughts. The blonde was staring at him with concern. His eyes flickered between Blaine's face and his left wrist. "That bug bite bothering you again?"
His simple excuse. A bug bite. He looked at his own wrist, surprising himself with how easy it was just to go along with the charade.
"Actually," he said, unclenching his hand, "it's been bothering me all day. I went to the library earlier to see if I could dig up any more information on it. I must have lost track of time while I was there. I just got back here a little while ago."
Jeff nodded his head as if his explanation made sense. He could see gaping holes of logic in his story, but others just took him at his word.
"You might want to go and tell Kurt your alive and everything," the blonde idly mentioned as he got up and made his way to the door, "He seemed kinda shaken that you weren't in your room."
Blaine closed and locked his door as soon as his fellow Warbler was through it. He couldn't believe that much time had truly elapsed. He had never missed a Warbler practice before. He stared down at his wrist again, small, faint red lines clearly visible running parallel with his veins.
The lock. His heart froze as he thought of his lock. He didn't unlock his door when he opened it for Jeff. That meant that his door had been unlocked the entire evening, which meant that if Kurt had come to find him, he could have easily opened the door and what he would have found was Blaine, staring at his wrists. The cuts would have been fully visible.
Kurt was a smart boy. Normal people don't stare at scratches gotten because a bug bite had been particularly itchy. They most likely forget the scratches even exist. Kurt must have jumped to some sort of conclusion. Otherwise he wouldn't haven appeared to shaken at practice.
All these thoughts were racing through his mind. He needed to go to Kurt. He needed to let Kurt know that any conclusion he jumped to was unnecessary and silly. First, however, he needed to look his normal, dapper self.
He straightened his tie, smoothed out his blazer and made sure the cuff of his shirt covered his wrist. Deeming himself presentable, he made his way to Kurt's room, running through various scenarios in his head so the would be prepared for whatever might happen. He figured starting off going along with Kurt's story would be a good way to test the waters. Either Kurt would continue with his story and everything would be okay, or Kurt wouldn't go along with his story and things might get intense. Blaine was near confident that he could handle both cases.
Knocking on Kurt's door, he straightened his tie once more. He could hear Kurt coming and had to push back his momentary nervousness. He didn't even wait for the door to be opened all the way before he started the mini speech he prepared.
"Kurt! I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry I missed you earlier." Blaine was smiling. He was always happy to see Kurt. There was something almost magical about the younger boy. "I came by beca..." Blaine stopped mid sentence. Kurt was standing in the doorway, his eyes red and puffy, tissues crumpled in one hand.
"How DARE you Blaine Anderson!" Kurt's voice was much too loud for people conversing two feet apart. The few students in the hall turned to look at them. Blaine gently pushed Kurt back into his room, gave the onlookers an apologetic wave and closed the door behind them.
"Kurt, what are y..."
"Don't act like you don't know!" Kurt was angry. That was easy enough to see. This is not what Blaine had expected.
"Kurt, calm down." He tried to place a comforting hand on the taller boys shoulder but Kurt just shrugged it off.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" It was a question, to be sure, but the way Kurt said it, it sounded more like an accusation. "I'm not stupid, Blaine. You didn't just scratch yourself because a 'bug bite was itchy.' A two year old could come up with a better story."
"I...I..." Blaine was lost for words. This was not turning out at all how he expected it to.
Blaine's stability was spiraling downwards fast. He hated himself for making Kurt act this way. His best friend was obviously hurt by his dishonesty. The countertenor has always been honest with him, painfully at times, and almost to a fault. Why couldn't he be like that as well? He didn't deserve Kurt as a friend.
"Well?" Kurt demanded, "Or aren't you going to answer me?"
The older boy couldn't stand it anymore. He backed himself against the door and slid to the floor. He carefully constructed exterior crumbled around him. He buried his face in his hands, legs curled up against his chest.
"I'm sorry Kurt." His voice was muffled, but Kurt could still understand him. "I never meant to hurt you."
Kurt was ready with another angry retort when it dies on his lips instantly. 'I never meant to hurt you.' The brunette allowed those words to sink in. 'I never meant to hurt you.' The anger drained from his body as his heart broke for the boy who he wrecked and who now sat crumpled against his door.
I caused this was that only thought his mind could process.
"Blaine" Kurt whispered as he knelt down in front of his best friend. He eased Blaine's head from the boys hands, taking possession of it with his own, wiping the tears away with the pads of his thumbs.
"I never meant to hurt you, Kurt." Blaine whispered. His voice was hoarse, his breathing ragged.
"Blaine, you didn't hurt me." Kurt grabbed the shorter boys hands and pulled him up into a hug. "You didn't hurt me," he repeated. "I...I was angry at myself and I just took it out on you."
The boys silently wept on each others' shoulders. Blaine had never cried like this in front of anybody before, and despite what just happened, he was glad it was Kurt that was holding him now. Once they both were calmed down, Blaine could finally begin to process what Kurt had said.
"Why are you angry with yourself?" The dark haired boy couldn't make eye contact with the brunette just yet, so he focused on the clock ticking away on the wall.
"You were always there for me," Kurt began, "Whenever I needed someone to talk to, I found you. You were always so supportive." The taller boy sniffled and wiped away a few stray tears. " And now, you needed someone to support and comfort you, but I've been too involved with myself to notice."
"That's not true." Blaine finally brought himself to look Kurt in the eyes. He dried the last of the younger boys tears with his thumbs, just as Kurt had done for him. "When I needed to talk to you, you were always there for me. You never denied me anything."
"I should have been there for you even when you didn't ask."
Blaine just shook his head. He needed to put some distance between themselves, so abandoning the comfort of Kurt's arms, he took up residence on the bed, sitting crossed legged.
Kurt was sad when Blaine pushed away from him. He wanted to comfort the older boy but was clueless on how. Blaine wasn't like any other boy he had ever met. Looking at him now, he could just imagine an elementary aged boy, so young and vulnerable.
"Blaine, talk to me."
"These are my personal demons, Kurt." Blaine's voice was stronger now. "I don't need to put my problems on your shoulders."
"Yet you let me do that to you?"
"This is different."
Kurt was exasperated. Blaine's want, nay-need, to help everyone around him was admirable, but someone needed to take care of him. The countertenor couldn't take it anymore. He marched over to Blaine and roughly grabbed his left hand, pushing the sleeve up.
"Yes, Blaine. This is different." Blaine tried to pull his arm free but Kurt held firmly onto it. Kurt rubbed his thumb gently over the faint scars. "You don't think I ever thought about this? I am proud of who I am and I know you're the same, but it's hard to remember that sometimes." Blaine's attempt at freeing himself worked this time though he kept his scared wrist out in the open. The silence weighed heavily between them.
"I don't know why I did it." Blaine confessed. He was staring at his wrist again. "I was trying to figure it out earlier. I still don't know why." His voice was low, almost a whisper. "I can hardly remember doing it." His eyes were glazed over as he thought back to the day it happened.
Blaine was home for the weekend, which has proven never to turn out well. His father was on him again for something or other. He stopped trying to keep track of everything he did wrong in his fathers eyes a while back. His mother just looked at him with sad longing. Probably thinking of everything that he couldn't give her because he was gay. Both of them accepted that he was out, but that didn't mean they liked it.
Blaine's parents were out to dinner with some of his fathers colleagues, leaving him to his own devices in an empty house. Having forgotten his charger at Dalton, he was phone-less, and because he parents didn't like cable or internet in their own home, he was basically cut off from the outside world. This left him alone, with his thoughts. The thoughts he normally was able to push to the side when at school surrounded by activity, but reared their ugly head when there was a void to fill.
The dark haired boy took to roaming the house aimlessly, going in and out of rooms without really noticing where he was. He ended up in his fathers' bathroom, scrutinizing the items that were left on the counter: deoderant, hair gel, aftershave, toothbrush and toothpaste, and finally, a lone razer blade, no doubt left over from that mornings shave.
He picked up the last item, turning it over one way then the other. Inspecting the edge, he was surprised by the sharpness of it and distantly wondered how well it would actually cut something. Taking it in his right hand, he dragged the blade parallel to one of the veins in left wrist. Mesmerized by the thin red line it left, he copied his action again and again.
Three identical thin red lines graced his wrist.
That's when he heard the front door slam. His parents were home. Looking down at his wrist with a clear mind, he was surprised to see the cuts. He had a foggy recollection of the happening, like it was in a dream, not in reality. He was Blaine Anderson, he just didn't do things like this. But there was the proof, starring him in the face. The worst part, he couldn't say why,
"Blaine," Kurt brought him back to reality once more. The countertenor had hold of both his hands, worry etched across his flawless features.
"I'm fine, Kurt" Blaine tried to smile, but it didn't reach his eyes, " I swear I'm fine. I was just bored, I was curious." He tried to make it sound like nothing. He didn't know if he was trying to convince himself or Kurt more.
"It's an addiction, Blaine," Kurt began but the older boy just did not want to hear it. He tried to get up but Kurt held him down. "I'm not saying you need help," he continued once Blaine settled down, "But I need you to know that I am here for you. That I will always be here for you, no matter what."
Blaine had never had anyone say those words to him. Not with that sincerity. The other students and Dalton and even the Warblers were sympathetic to Blaine's situation, but they were to quick to glaze over his past experiences and the problems they might have caused. Blaine only ever showed his happy side, so that's what everyone knew about him.
Kurt was different though. Kurt wasn't like anyone else he ever knew. Kurt had been through the same thing. Kurt could relate. Kurt could be his savior. He didn't have to go through this alone anymore.
A/N - I was actually working on another story when this popped into my head. I started off with that journal entry from the beginning and I just had to keep writing. There's quite a bit of me in this story, so at times it was both easy and hard to write. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out.
Please, please, let me know what you think of this. I hated to put Blaine and Kurt through this, but they are stronger now because it happened.
Lastly, thanks to my wonderful beta Sarafina who got this back to me as soon as possible, even though the hour was late. Endless love, darling, endless love.
So, review and I will love you forever!