The silver haired jonin stood in a ready stance, kunai in hand and sharingan blazing. On the other side of the clearing stood on Sasuke Uchiha, still wearing his unusual outfit complete with large purple rope, looking scarily similar to a child's worst nightmare, after his latest 'victory'.
"So you see, you Kakashi, have no chance of beating me. I have absorbed Orochimaru's soul into my own. I am more powerful than you'll ever be!" The man/snake monster gloated, before slinging live snakes out of his shirt sleeves. The faux sharingan user attempted to get around the hissing serpents in order to launch an attack at his ex-student, but was all too soon wrapped neck to toes in pythons.
"Now we shall wait till the dobe arrives, shall we? You, my dear old teacher, get to watch me kill the blonde nuisance." Sasuke purred to the heavily restrained man. Kakashi began struggling, fitfully attempting to be rid of his living, hissing bonds. Hearing someone rapidly approaching, the man froze and looked up to the newcomer.
"Sasuke you bastard! Let go of Kakashi-sensei." The furious blonde shinobi screamed.
"Hn. Now where would the fun be in that?" The mutated Uchiha sneered at his once teammate.
"What have you become? You monster!" Naruto shrieked, leaving his less than one tailed state, and jumping straight to three.
"Tsukiyomi." The ex-Konoha nin invoked his second state sharingan, reaching into the seal of the jinchuuriki.
Seeing his blonde team mate fall to his knees, trapped by the sharingan user, Kakashi tripled his struggling, eventually deeming his efforts in vain. The man closed his eyes, breathed deep and pulled up the White chakra, the hidden berserker kekkei-genkai of the Hatake clan. Infused with his unholy power, the snakes binding him burnt away and he leapt to his feet charging straight at the traitor.
One burning white hand came in contact with Sasuke's shoulder, just as the raven haired traitor was about to be forcefully thrown out of the demon seal by a very angry Naruto.
There was a blinding flash of light, and all was suddenly still.
Yamoto and Sai reached the clearing where the battle had taken place. If only they'd been able to keep up with enraged jinchuuriki, there might have been a viable witness to what actually happened. As it stands, all they found was an unconscious Naruto and Kakashi, laying a few feet apart, with a pile of charred snake carcases on the opposite side of the clearing and no sign of their opponent.
They knew that Kakashi had gone after the traitor first, to kill the man so that his precious Naruto wouldn't have to. Everyone knew the boy was best at turning enemies into friends, instead of actually disposing of them. The jonin just didn't want Naruto's first kill to be that of his ex-best friend.
Of course once Naruto found out Kakashi had gone on ahead, he'd gone racing after his team mate intent on protecting one of his precious people. Yamoto and Sai tried desperately to keep up, so they could lend their assistance to what they assumed would be an inevitably bloody battle. So it was understandable why they were so confused about the scene they came onto.
Yamoto leaned carefully over the unmoving form of the Copy-nin. Seeing the man was just unconscious, and had no visible injuries, he decided to try to wake him.
"Kakashi-sempai." He called, gently shaking the man's shoulder. "Kakashi-sempai, wake up." When Kakashi remained unmoving, the mokuton user chose to try a different tactic.
"Porn!" He called loudly. The reaction was instantaneous. The Copy-nin sat up so fast, the two jonin cracked heads. The silver-haired male seemed unaffected, and looked around wildly searching for said porn. Yamoto swore loudly and rubbed his head. Sai stood by fake-smiling, wondering if he was supposed to laugh, hand out porn, or offer medical aid.
While Yamoto continued to swear and Sai contemplating socially acceptable actions, Kakashi finally got his wits together.
"Naruto?" He called out, leaping to the younger shinobi's side. Immediately all attention turned to the still unmoving member of the team. All three kneeled around the unconscious boy, as Kakashi checked for signs of life. Assuring himself that his sensei's son had a pulse, and was indeed still alive, he tried to gently wake the boy. After several gentle shakes and calling of his name, as well as calls of 'Dickless' and a slap from Sai, the group ascertained that Naruto would not be waking up anytime soon and they should get him to proper medical aid.
Sai bent to pick up his team mate and was hissed at by Kakashi for his efforts. The jonin instead summoned one of his dogs, Bull, to carry the non-responsive shinobi.
"I read in a book once, that over-protective-"The ROOT ANBU began with a wide smile.
"Shut it Sai." Kakashi snapped. Yamoto wisely chose to stay out of the impending argument and began leading the group back to the village.
Naruto awoke deep within the sewer of his psyche, hearing the maniacal laughing of the fox and feeling a deep seated ache in his stomach. Deciding to see what the fur ball was finding so hilarious, the boy headed towards the sealed cage. He turned the corner into the Seal Room, and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight that met his eyes.
The fox was sniggering heartily, crouched down ready to pounce on none other than Orochimaru, who seemed to be trapped within the cage. Barely suppressing a chuckle, the nine-tailed beast leapt into the air and came crashing down, all four feet landing directly on top of the wayward sannin. Orochimaru made a funny squeaking sound, like a mouse being trodden on as he was squashed flat. The Kyuubi backed off to a corner of its cage; watching and laughing as the man slowly returned to a full, healthy state and stood back up again. Seeing Naruto frozen in the doorway, the snake-ish man ran to the bars of the cage.
"Get me out of here!" He screamed. "I'll give you anything you want, just get me out of here!" The giant red fox gave an amused growl and pounced once again.
"Hey Kyuubi, why is Orochimaru behind the seal?" The boy tentatively asked, unsure whether he should be extremely worried or laughing his arse off.
"Don't know." Kyuubi shrugged its huge shoulders, returning to its pouncing game again.
"Have any theories? And where's Sasuke-teme if Oro-bastard is here?"The blonde wondered aloud.
"Nope and no idea." The beast distractedly replied, sniggering at the helpless, pitifully shrieking ex-nin.
"So in other words, you don't care because you've got a new toy?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.
"Exactly." Kyuubi agreed. The demon sniggered again as it used a tail to mess up Orochimaru's long hair, leaving the man with a matted bird's nest on top of his head. Naruto sighed and headed for the door.
"You're not going to leave me here?" A dishevelled ex-sannin pleaded. "Please, please, let me out?"
"Ha! Yeah right." The boy scoffed. "Have fun with the fur ball. Oh, and Kyuubi, send some chakra to my stomach. It hurts and I think I'm injured." The great Kyuubi no Kitsune gave a short nod to its jailor before returning glee filled eyes to its new roommate.
At the hospital in Konoha, two ANBU and a jonin stood around the white room while the pink haired medic checked over the patient on the bed before her.
"Well, there's no life threatening injuries that I can tell, though his chakra's all mixed up around the seal. I'll have to call in Tsunade-sama to find out what actually going on there." Sakura reported. Kakashi groaned at the mention of the short-tempered Hokage.
"Speak of the devil." Yamoto muttered under his breath as said woman burst into the room to check up on her adoptive brother.
"I was just about to call you, Tsunade-sama." The pink haired girl stated. "There are no injuries I can find, but the chakra's all mixed up around the seal. I don't know what that means."
The woman brought her chakra infused hands towards the boy's still unmoving body, as she demanded to know what had happened. Realising no one else was going to say anything, Kakashi sighed and reported.
"I arrived to intercept Sasuke Uchiha first, before the rest of the team, and was soon incapacitated by numerous snakes which were shot from the Uchiha's sleeves." He began.
"Was it a satisfying experience?" Sai blurted. "I read in a book that people can achieve sexual gratification through being restrained, and..." He was silenced by four glares, so went back to smiling at nothing.
"As I was saying, I was incapacitated by Uchiha, who seemed to have somehow merged with his former master. Naruto then arrived on the scene. After a short verbal spar, Naruto jumped to a three tailed state and Uchiha turned on his Mangyeku. In a fit of desperation I released my Kekkei-genkai. The snakes were burned from my body and I reached for the Uchiha to kill him while he was distracted. There's a blank there I assume was unconsciousness that I was awoken from by Yamoto. We then picked up Naruto and returned to the village." The man described in his usual bored tone. The hokage's still glowing hand was poised half a metre from the patient's chest and she was staring incredulously at the jonin.
"White chakra, Sharingan enhanced with god-knows-what, and a half possessed jinchuuriki." The woman reiterated. "You're all a bunch of idiots! Who knows what a mess like that has caused? And it's not like we can look to a previous case for information. This is entirely unique to Gaki's 1 and 2 and Sasukemaru." Done with her rant, Tsunade moved her still glowing hand to Naruto's abdomen and began her diagnostic jutsu. The longer the woman applied the jutsu, the deeper her frown became.
"Get me Jiraiya." She snapped to her apprentice, finally releasing the jutsu. Sakura sprinted out of the room to go summon a slug. The three men in the room looked to their leader in askance.
"I can detect chakra from you Hatake, Naruto himself, the fox, Orochimaru and what may be the Uchiha all in the vicinity of the seal." She sighed. "I need a seal master to figure out who's behind the seal, and if it's been damaged by whatever the hell's going on in there."
The four stood in silence, waiting for the Toad Sage with the Hokage glaring daggers at Kakashi.
"What?" The man asked, completely bewildered as to why he was the only one being glared at.
"This is your fault, you know. Why would you use your White Chakra with my little brother in the vicinity?" The irate woman demanded. Kakashi raised his hands in a placating gesture.
"I was completely incapacitated by those damn snakes." He attempted to explain. "And Naruto was being Tsukiyomi-ed. I had to do something." Tsunade growled slightly, but did nothing to harm the lazy-eyed nin.
Team Hebi sat in their hide out, waiting for the triumphant return of their leader. Suigetsu was bored and pacing. Karin was anxiously wringing her hands together. Juugo seemed to be impersonating a statue.
"He's over a day late." The liquid man grumbled.
"Maybe something's happened to Sasuke-kun. We should go look for him." Karin fretted, heading towards the door.
"Nah, we should find someone stronger to team up with." Suigetsu argued, blocking the red-head's path.
"No one can beat my Sasuke-kun." The glasses wearing woman replied haughtily, crossing her arms over her chest.
"What about Itachi? He's Sasuke with long hair." He suggested. Karin stopped and looked thoughtful for a minute. A dreamy expression covered her face a second later, and hearts appeared in her eyes.
"Let's get going guys. Which way to Akatsuki?" Karin cheered, dashing out of the hide-out. The two men followed their female team mate, Suigetsu chuckling to himself.
Tsunade, Kakashi, Yamoto and Sai stood waiting for Sakura to return with the Toad Sage. Sai continued smiling, Yamoto gave a creepy stare to a tree outside the window, Tsunade glared hatefully at the one she deemed responsible for putting Naruto in the hospital again, and Kakashi read his book, the newest edition. It was his favourite. The reason being that his favourite blonde had given it to him; because really, all of Jiraiya's works were equally good compared to each other.
The door opened slightly, and all awake occupants of the room immediately turned their attention to it. Shikamaru warily eyed all the high profile ninja currently staring him down.
"Troublesome. I was just looking for Choji." He muttered, then took notice of the still form of Naruto and called out "Ramen" before shutting the door again. Yamoto felt a ghost pain on his skull as the blonde abruptly sat up and looked intently around the room. The boy was promptly crush-hugged by the Hokage.
"Guys, you'll never guess what?" The boy exclaimed around the attached woman.
"You grew a penis?" Sai asked pleasantly.
"What is with your penis obsession, you freak?" Naruto retorted hotly, pushing Tsunade out of the way to attempt to leap at the ANBU. The Hokage simply pushed the struggling shinobi back onto his bed.
"What did you want us to guess?" Yamoto prompted.
"Oh yeah. You'll never guess, but Orochimaru's stuck in the Kyuubi's cage. The fur ball is having fun squashing him repeatedly." The boy enthused to the suddenly speechless room. Into the stunned silence rushed Sakura followed closely by Jiraiya, with a toad from a reverse summoning still sitting on his head.
"So what's up that you had to drag me from my research in Rice country?" The white haired male asked his ex-team mate. The woman still looked shocked and pointed vaguely to the boy on the bed.
"Orochimaru's in the Kyuubi's cage getting jumped on." Naruto repeated. "I don't know where Sasuke-teme is though, and the fox is too busy torturing the snake-bastard to find out for me."
"How did he get into the seal?" Jiraiya exclaimed, alarmed. The man pushed through to the bed and pulled up Naruto's shirt to examine the seal. The boy squawked in indignation at being forcefully disrobed in a room full of people including his team mates and current crush, face turning crimson.
"Hmm. Well, there's nothing different about the seal. It's still holding the Kyuubi fine, just now the fox's got a roommate. Let's hope the two don't start working together to try to bust out. The Uchiha's chakra is in Naruto, but it's not in the seal, along with Hatake's white chakra. How did this come about, Kakashi?" The Toad Sage deduced.
"Why does everyone immediately assume I'm at fault?" The jonin whined. He received a pointed look from both sannin.
"Fine, fine. Well, Naruto was at three tails when he was Tsukiyomi-ed by Sasukemaru, and I used my bloodline ability to try to kill the traitor before he could kill Naruto." Kakashi sighed resignedly.
"Sasukemaru?" Jiraiya questioned.
"Sasuke claimed to have defeated Orochimaru, and absorbed him and his abilities." The younger male answered.
"Ah, well that could explain how the snake ended up in the seal." The elder mused, "Two forces of demonic chakra as a sacrifice of sorts, to place another weaker youkai inside a jinchuuriki already housing a greater demon. I just can't figure out what the Uchiha's chakra signature is doing in Naruto, outside of the seal." Everyone looked thoughtful for a minute.
"I may have an idea." Murmured Tsunade, shoving her ex-team mate out of her way where he fell undignified to the floor. Running another diagnostic, the blonde woman got a strange grin on her face and cackled.
"Sai, Yamoto, Sakura, out." She ordered. Looking confused, three of the members of team seven left the room, casting questioning glances back at their team leader. Kakashi looked just as confused.
"What is it Baa-chan? Am I going to die? Tell me, what is it?" Naruto asked, panicking. The blonde Hokage laughed.
"Congratulations Gaki, you're pregnant." She giggled. Jiraiya's mouth hung open, and Kakashi dropped his book.
"What?" Screamed the boy loud enough for the whole village to hear.
"You, Naruto, are officially pregnant with your old school friend Sasuke." Tsunade clarified. "And you, Kakashi; this is your fault." Naruto hyperventilated, and Kakashi joined Jiraiya on the floor. "You're going to be Daddies!" Leaving the stunned parents-to-be, the Hokage dragged her fellow sannin back to the Hokage tower, cackling madly the whole way.
"You know, here I thought I'd have to get you to stay in your girl form to knock you up." Kakashi stated, lounging on the windowsill reading.
"What?" Naruto asked pulling his face out of cushion he was trying to hide in. The two were at the jonin's house after a nurse kicked them out of the hospital room.
"Nothing." The elder male dismissed. "You know, technically, you've fulfilled your promise to Sakura, to bring Sasuke home."
"Yeah," The blonde snorted derisively. "I don't think she meant for me to bring him back like this. She's gonna murder me when she finds out it'll be another sixteen or so years until Sasuke's able to date." He returned to hiding in the cushion, trying not to imagine being horrifically maimed by an angry, dateless pinkette. Kakashi scowled imagining horrifically maiming said dateless pinkette should she try to harm Naruto.
"I thought you liked her?" The man asked, trying for nonchalant.
"Eew no. I stopped liking her when I was twelve." Naruto complained through his cushion. "Everyone knows I don't like girls."
"I didn't." Kakashi admitted, restraining himself from doing a victory dance.
"Yeah, you've always got your nose in your Icha Icha, so you wouldn't notice anything about the real world." The boy whinged petulantly. "I bet you knew which way Sasuke swings."
"No. Why would I want to know Sasuke's sexual preferences?" The elder asked, genuinely confused. Naruto pulled his face out of the cushion and glared at his team leader. Just before the boy could open his mouth to start what would have otherwise been a very loud and destructive argument, there was a curt knock on the door, which Kakashi swiftly moved to answer. He was glad of the distraction for once. He didn't think Naruto would ever let him live down paying so much extra attention to the raven-haired traitor.
"Hokage-sama requests the presence of both yourself and Uzumaki at the Hokage tower." The ANBU stated emotionlessly, disappearing in a cloud of chakra smoke.
"Yes?" The jonin asked, raising his eye from his book to find that he was still being glared at by the village leader.
"I hope that you will be taking responsibility for your actions?" The blonde woman glowered. "You too, gaki."
"How is anything my fault?" Naruto complained from his place standing next to Kakashi.
"Seriously, going three tails immediately in a battle?" Tsunade raised one eyebrow incredulously.
"The bastard had Kakashi-sensei tied up with snakes. They could have been poisonous!" The younger blonde exclaimed loudly. "And I heard him saying that he was going to make him watch while he killed me. That's torture, you know."
"That's not the point brat!" The Hokage snapped. "The fact is, Jiraiya here and I compared notes so to speak and it's both of yours' faults. Hatake, it's your special chakra that's holding the Uchiha, sort of like a womb; and Gaki, your and the Kyuubi's chakra is maintaining it."
"So, what would happen if Naruto just cut off the chakra to the area?" Jiraiya mused.
"Well, the foreign cells in his body would die and the various chakra's would be reabsorbed. That would be an easy out, except that then the gaki'll probably die from septicaemia." Tsunade drawled, sounding almost as bored as a certain silver-haired jonin.
"I don't want to die!" Naruto shrieked. "And I didn't bring the teme home in order to just kill him. Oh my god, Sakura's gonna kill me." The blonde moaned dramatically, before curling up on the floor in a ball of misery.
"Huh?" The Hokage asked, wondering when the change in topic occurred. Seeing the blonde shinobi still sitting on the floor muttering to himself about his impending doom, Kakashi again took up the mantle of spokesperson.
"Sakura may be a little upset that Naruto brought the Uchiha back to Konoha in a less than dateable state." He explained delicately.
"Well then I guess you're on protection detail. He's your team mate, and it's your chakra that put the foreign cells from the Uchiha in him, so you get to look after the gaki." The silver-haired man nodded in acceptance. Now he could keep his little blonde hostage in his house, and take care of him, and cuddle him, and...
"Oh and Hatake," The Hokage interrupted the mental gloating/planning. "Seems I'll be taking care of informing Haruno, you're going to be the one to tell Umino."
Kakashi joined Naruto in curling up on the floor muttering about impending doom. Tsunade once again cackled madly. When she took up the mantel of Hokage, she never realised how funny it could be.