Author: Ayrki (Tristian Makhai)
Rating: Your younger siblings could read this if they really wanted to, it's that tame. It does come with a warning: Fluff alert!
Summary: Did you know Amy rambles? Evidently she does, but then musings and reflections do meander like that. Thoughts on Lucy, lies, and life.
Disclaimer: ...think I forgot this on the last one, but it's not mine. The actual arrangement of words came from my head, but characters, events, and general other brilliantness is not mine. ^_^ You know whose it is (and if you don't, the brilliant Angela Robinson does).
Notes: Dear god, I am a sap... You can consider this a companion piece to 'Long Nights' and 'Settled' or you could take it as a completely independent fic all on its lonesome. This is me trying to get into Amy's head, crawl about, and find her voice. Let me know how I went, hey? I'm sure Lex beta'd this...if not, still thank you for indulging my ramblings despite my not having sent you the movie yet.
Third in a loose series, preceded by "Settled" and followed by "Perfect".
Written: Circa late 2005/2006
For the first couple of weeks, I wondered why. I just couldn't figure it out; why Lucy Diamond had wanted me out of all the people in the world. I mean, I wasn't arguing or anything, but I still didn't understand why. And even after she explained to me, I still couldn't really comprehend it. I understood her reasons at an intellectual level, but I couldn't quite reconcile it with what I knew the world to be. Of course, in the end, comprehension came with the realisation that I'd been wrong about the world. I'll tell you, I felt like a dork after that.
We'd been in Barcelona for about six months when I finally understood there was no other shoe. All along, I'd expected and anticipated the world to tear us apart and for reality to step in and crush me once more. I hadn't realised it, but all along, I felt like it wasn't going to last, and then, one simple day, I realised our forever could be enough. Our forever could be for as long as we wanted.
As I sat there cradled in her arms like so many times before, watching another sunset, I knew what I'd always thought all along. For someone who spoke of so many ideals for the world and was known for optimism, I was oddly pessimistic when it came to myself. I could believe in love and the possibility that it should be soul caressing, irrational, and ultimately irresistible and /right,/ but I never believed it would happen to me.
It didn't help that all my life I'd really never chosen what I wanted instead of what I thought I *should* want. I'd always been perfect at everything I did and I thought I should give that gift back in any way I could. I thought that because I was good at everything and being a DEB that I should put everything I had into protecting those who couldn't or weren't. I fooled myself into believing it was everything I wanted, that it was everything I needed. And, for a while, I actually managed to believe that.
I was good, perfect, and everything I was expected to be and I honestly thought I was happy. I was on the top squad, Sector 1, and perfect as far as any were concerned. I let myself believe my dreams were enough as fantasy and that I didn't need to taste the Mediterranean Sea on the breeze, that I didn't need to actually feel the Spanish sun on my face. I believed it because I had to. If I didn't, I think my heart would have broken.
Four years passed and I was content. It wasn't bad and I don't regret them. I couldn't miss something I hadn't known yet and I'd let myself believe love nothing more than a dream. I suppose one could ask me then why I broke up with Bobby, if I'd been content. It was simple: I could lie to anybody, including myself evidently, and I could have let him believe I loved him. I could, but I realised I didn't want to.
It was so strange, how I woke up one day and realised I wasn't *really* happy. I could continue on living the lie and fooling everyone into believing I loved the job, Bobby, and everything, but I really didn't want to. As long as I believed the lie myself, I was able to live it, but when I knew I was lying, I hated the thought. I might be the perfect liar and subterfuge my greatest ability, but when you realise everything about you is a lie, it hurts and is confusing. I was raised to always be honest, and I believe in the truth almost more than anything and when I was told that my being the best came from the ability to deceive everyone, I wondered what else I'd lied about.
It actually wasn't meeting Lucy that started it all, not really anyway. I didn't realise that it had started before that and not in May until recently. Meeting her and having her determined to see me doing what I wanted to do catalysed the changes, but they'd already been in the making.
Amazingly enough though, it was Lucy that did start it...before I met her. You see, I'd been working on my thesis the entire year, but I'd been following the exploits of the mysterious and enigmatic Lucy Diamond for years before. She intrigued me, she made me wonder why she did what she did, and I collected everything I could on her, trying to understand her a little better. When I had the opportunity to put that knowledge to good use, writing my term paper was a great excuse to show my interest.
Hindsight, as they say is 20/20 and I wonder now if I wasn't a little in love with Lucy even before I met her. I know that at the very least, I respected her deeply. It's strange, I know, respecting, if not outright admiring the person you're being trained to catch, but everything about her felt right.
Lucy didn't do what someone thought she should do. She didn't let the desires of others dictate her own. She was unapologetically Lucy and she wouldn't change for anyone. I thought it amazing she had the courage to go after what she wanted, to be herself and brazenly state who that was. For someone hiding parts of herself from the world, those she loved, and even herself, Lucy possessed the courage, confidence, and comfort I couldn't help but envy. She was everything I wasn't and I mean that in the other ways besides the most obvious.
I would work for hours, pouring over one account after the other of how Lucy Diamond always got what she wanted. There may have been only anecdotal evidence from which to draw, but I learned a great many things the more I searched. You can tell a hell of a lot about someone by they way they interact with others, and Lucy was no different. Only some of it would go into my thesis of course, but the rest I stored in the back of my mind for later thought. The more time passed and the closer it got to Endgame, the more I thought about Lucy and how she always seemed to do what she wanted. I wished I'd had that kind of courage, that sort of willingness to do exactly what I dreamed.
Then, I met Lucy and she was so much more than I'd ever thought. She wasn't what I'd expected because I hadn't thought it possible for me to be right about her, but I was. She had courage, conviction, loyalty, and the sort of amazingly endearing child-like way of approaching the world. She reminded me of my dreams and gave me the strength to say what I wanted. By just letting me be me, she gave me my voice and taught me the language I'd never dared to speak before.
I believed love to be a miraculous and wondrous thing; that it should be epic and infectious, and make you do hopelessly silly things. That it should light a fire in your soul and make you feel more alive than any drug could synthesise. I believed in that more than anything, but I thought it wasn't for me. Oh, I desperately wanted it, but I feared I wouldn't find it. Every place I'd searched, I'd come up without and each time, I believed more and more I'd never know its touch.
Then, Lucy Diamond walked back into town, stumbled into my life, and in a place I'd never imagined to look, lay exactly what I'd longed for. It didn't take long before my brain made the jump from connection to attraction and when she offered me the chance to find myself again at the bank, I couldn't say 'no.' I might have risked everything I knew, but it was the perfect lie and even if I lost it, maybe I could at least know myself. That week I got to know not just Lucy but me too and as I stood on that stupid stage, reading a prepared speech I knew couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't continue that lie; not without losing myself and as much as I loved helping others, I couldn't give them everything anymore.
I think what I love the most about Lucy is that she always asks so little. She doesn't ask me to be someone or to play a certain role. All she really wants from me is for me to be happy and to love her, and, you know, I couldn't imagine anything greater.
So, now I sit in our home on the balcony to our bedroom, warm Barcelona sun against my skin, the taste of Lucy, freedom, and the Mediterranean breeze on my tongue and I can't imagine being happier. Then, I know she's beside me even before she steps into my field of vision and I know I can be. I started out not knowing how to voice what I wanted and now I can't fathom that sort of silence. Now, I'll follow my dreams because as long as they keep me near Lucy, I'll know true happiness.