A/N: Heya peoples! Quickly, because I have to go to school REALLY soon (bus is coming in a bit). I came up with the idea for this when I thought about the uses of Morph materia in the game and realized that I've NEVER read a fic that makes use of its other... um... useage. I've seen Morph materia shrink and change gender in fics, but never THIS. I'll do my best to update soon.
For now, read and review! Reviews put a smile on my face and earn you worthless virtual cookies! ... Actually, let's just stick with making me smile~
Tifa waited a couple of seconds. No response. Her guests were probably still asleep, she thought (they always slept like freakin' logs whenever they had… ahem… gotten freaky the night before). She raised her fist once more to knock on the door again, but befor-
Tifa startled, practically dropping the tray of breakfast food that was in her hands. Just what the heck was going on in there? She made the wise decision to carefully put the tray on the floor near the wall before she quietly pressed her ear against the door. Her guests were speaking; muffled, but still audible.
"Yuffie, of all the crazy stunts you've pulled-"
"I fucked up! I know, I know! Can you stop rubbing it in?"
"I can only hope you find a way to fix this."
"I'm trying, Vinnie!"
Tifa pulled away from the door a bit and cocked her head to the side, genuinely confused. Just what did Yuffie do? No doubt another of their sexual shenanigans gone awry; there was no other possibility. But what happened in specific remained a mystery.
"Teef!" Yuffie loudly called, slamming the door open which unfortunately slammed right into Tifa's face; though she had pulled away before, she hadn't pulled away quite enough to avoid disaster.
Yuffie continued shouting, totally oblivious to her friend's pain, "Do we have any Maiden's Kisses?"
"Yuffie, I'm right freakin' here! Feels like I got hit with a wrecking ball…"
The ninja finally had the sense to look behind the door. "Whatcha doin' back there, Teef? You're lucky I didn't whack you with the door. Now that would've hurt!" she laughed, attempting to joke around with the martial artist.
"Yuffie, I'm going to kill you…"
"Alright! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! So, uh… how about them Maiden's Kisses?" she asked nervously.
"… You… You turned Vincent into a-"
"OKAY-YOU-CAUGHT-ME-I'M-SORRY-I'M-SO-SORRY-I-JUST-GOT-CAUGHT-IN-THE-MOMENT!" Yuffie blurted in her panic, her words coming so fast that they were naught but a jumble.
"Yuffie, calm down! We can fix this!"
"But I tried everything aside from the Kisses, Tifa! I even used Esuna. Do you hear me, Tifa? I. Used. Esuna! It's supposed to cure everything! It didn't cure anything!"
Tifa blinked at just how melodramatic Yuffie was being. "It's okay, Yuffie. Just tell me from the beginning exactly what happened, But you can't spare any details. Anything at all can help us figure out how to cure Vincent."
"… You just want to hear about the awesome sex I have with Vinnie."
Tifa cleared her throat and calmly responded, "Be that as it may, explicit detail might be our only hope of curing him." They both knew that that statement was only half true. Tifa had been curious about Yuffie's sex life since day one. Tifa had always shared details about her ventures with Cloud to Yuffie, but Yuffie seemed to be a bit more intent on remaining hush-hush. Tifa just couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask once again.
"Curing who of what, Tifa?"
Darn. Oh well. It can wait...
Both Yuffie and Tifa whipped their head around to see Cloud. "You can't hear this!" Yuffie screeched frantically, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAA!"
"Hear what? Why not? Tifa, what's going on here…?"
"Tifa, don't you dare tell hi-"
"Yuffie and Vincent were trying to do something kinky with Morph materia and she ended up- Mrmph mumum! Mrmm!" Yuffie slapped her hand over Tifa's mouth to muffle the latter's response.
"She afflicted me with Toad."
As if on cue, a green-skinned frog with Vincent's hair and eye color, complete with a miniature version of his outfit hopped out of the guest bedroom. Cloud and Tifa looked at their other guest in fascination; it had been a while since any of the old party had been affected by that annoying little status effect, and they had never seen Vincent as such. He was always so careful to not touch the Touch Me and most other monsters that caused the oddest of ailments.
"Should I make a terrarium?" Tifa chuckled.
Vincent closed his eyes and croaked softly, as it seemed he couldn't sigh like he wanted to. "… Very funny, Tifa, though that actually wouldn't be a bad idea considering this body's need for high-moisture conditions."
Tifa nodded then asked, "Yuffie, would you mind going to the pet store?"
"…" Yuffie crouched down, examining Vincent's temporary new body. Vincent met her gaze curiously… until he realized that she was staring at his crotch. Without warning, Yuffie… pantsed him.
"OH MY GAWD, VINNIE! YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK!"
"Most frogs don't, Yuffie." Tifa pointed out, "Even the one species that supposedly does doesn't; their 'penis' is an extension of the cloaca." Without tearing her gaze from Vincent's crotch, or temporary lack thereof, she stammered and rambled.
"B-but, he's Vinnie and he's so big—oh Gawd he's so nice and big—and he's supposed to have a crotch, but he doesn't have a crotch and he doesn't have a dick and he's supposed to and- Vinnie how the hell are you gonna jack off? We clearly can't have sex while you're like this; that'd be like… bestiality or something…" She already seemed to be forgetting that sex would be next to impossible anyway, the bestiality factor aside.
"I don't masturbate, Yuffie." Vincent said coolly.
"Uh, yeah you do. I've heard and seen you."
Vincent narrowed his eyes at Yuffie, placing emphasis on his words, "Yuffie. I don't masturbate." True to Yuffie's word, he did have his moments of sexual weakness in which he took care of the camping trips in his pants himself. But being the man—or frog—that he was—calm, in-control Vincent—he would deny committing the act to the very end, especially the fact that it had become somewhat of a habit.
Tifa blinked again, this time in confused wonderment as to how Yuffie could be panicking over Vincent's lack of external genitalia one moment and worry about how he was going to pleasure himself since they couldn't copulate in the normal manner at the time the next. Cloud looked and listened on uncomfortably as the two continued to bicker.
"Ahem…" Cloud sounded out, "Maybe you two should go to the aquarium. You know, to learn a bit more about Vincent's…" Cloud made an awkward hand gesture, trying to imply what they all already knew without words, "current condition. He might be like this for a while." he then reasoned, "It'd be a good idea to familiarize yourselves with the situation."
"What about going to the pet store, Cloud?" Tifa argued. They couldn't just let Vincent starve or dehydrate or… or… something to that effect; whatever could happen to a frog. They needed supplies.
"They can learn about frogs at the aquarium and then, properly educated, they can go get whatever's needed." Cloud had a point there.
"They can learn just as much from a pet store employee, Clou-"
"Tifa, Cloud, look at what I made in school today!"
"No, look at mine first!"
"Crap!" Cloud and Tifa cursed simultaneously. They had forgotten that that day was a half day.
"What do we do? We can't let them see Vinnie like this!" Yuffie looked like she was going to panic again.
"Uh… You two go to the pet store-"
"Aquarium." Cloud corrected.
"Whatever! You two go wherever, and we'll cover you. Go through the back door." Tifa instructed.
"What about our room? They play in there a lot, don't they?" Yuffie reasoned.
"We'll clean it up." Cloud said simply.
"… It's up to the two of you. Thank you." Vincent said, pulling up his pants and nodding. Yuffie abruptly grabbed him and ran out through the back door.
Tifa pointed her thumb towards the open door, directing Cloud to survey the damage, and was about to go to the kitchen for cleaning supplies.
"That's weird. They're not in their room either."
Tifa crossed her fingers, praying desperately to the goddess that the kids wouldn't examine the room. Yes, they seemed to be in that inquisitive phase.
"Denzel, look at this thing."
Tifa was practically murmuring the prayer aloud. It seemed that they went unanswered when she heard the small sound of a switch being flicked along with an odd whirring noise.
"Cloud," Tifa said, oddly calm but with a panicked undertone, "I think the kids found my electric dildo…"