Transcribed (Sorta) From Reality
Syroc: Whoa, I totes forgot I made this. I should publish this.
"I'm telling you, it's all a conshpirashy!"
The outburst came from the mouth of Yasaka, who in the midst of the chaos that had descended upon Shin-Tokyo as the Sekirei Plan continued, decided that it would be a good idea to take refuge in one of the safest places in the city: the North.
And from there it was only a matter of time before we ran into each other, and now here he was, drinking from a seemingly never-ending supply of booze that Kazehana was dubiously supplying. The first cup had been to calm his frayed nerves. The second cup had been to relax. The third and fourth cups had been merely to be friendly. After that he'd started losing count, but he maintained that he was 'only' on his eighth.
By now everyone else had gotten tired of the spectacle and had gone about their business. Only Kazehana and I remained to keep my friend company. (Kazehana had made a few surreptitious attempts to vacate the area, but each time Yasaka shouted for more sake with uncanny timing.)
However, it seemed that somewhere in his booze-addled mind an idea was forming.
"Ah? What do you mean?" I decided to humour him. He was so far gone by now that I don't think it would matter what I said: he would go on regardless of what anyone thought.
"All these big-chested, nubile women running arrroouwwooound toooown!" the young man slurred out, and punched the air with the fist that was still holding his cup of sake. The alcohol sloshed around, splashing on the living room table as he clumsily tried to make his point. "Fighting, and ruining the plashe! It's all part of the conshpirashy!"
"Really?" I said, not bothering to hide my amusement at his antics. "And what exactly is their plan?"
"They wanna repopulate the woerld wish bushty shuper-women!" Yasaka went on as if everything he was saying made perfect sense. "They wanna- wanna make normal women sheem strange!"
"Jeez, where did you find this guy, Lover-kun?" Kazehana said with a raised eyebrow. "He's crazier than Yukari!"
Yasaka took offense at this, and demonstrated this by shaking his cup angrily at one of the four different images of Kazehana that was sliding around in his vision. It was the wrong one.
"Don't you laugh at me! I'm on to you, shuper-booby-lady!" Yasaka accused loudly and wobbled a bit where he sat. "You can't fool me! I'm imperv- imper- pervy im-" he scowled fiercly as he realized that his mouth was refusing to cooperate with him, and decided to try a new approach. "I'm immune to your feminine wilesh!"
"Oh really?" Kazehana said, grinning like a fox.
"Yesh! Only my idol, my precious Kagari-san, hash de keysh to my heart!" Yasaka asserted, once more punching the air and splashing sake in the process. "Sho composhed, shuch poise! Alwaysh calm! He'sh like a, uh, a, a herring! "
"A heron, maybe?" I correct him gently, unable to stop the grin from appearing on my lips.
"That'sh what I shaid!" the young man said resentfully. "Don't interrupt me, 'Miya-shan! I'm trying to explain why Kagari-shan is better than women!"
By now I could see Kazehana was barely containing her laughter, and I could imagine why that was. Homura had only recently been 'outed', and the novelty of his amazing gender-switch still hadn't worn out yet.
I don't know whether Yasaka would be thrilled or mortified that his man-crush had turned into a woman. To be honest, though, I don't think he would know either.
Yasaka trailed off, mumbling to himself incoherently about his imagined conspiracy. Occasionally he would get loud, spouting some nonsense or other about boobies and a 'magical vajoo', but I was prepared to let all this slide.
And then he scrambled to his feet, (only managing to fall over once,) his eyes wide with sudden revelation.
"They'd hafta have a weird and cool name, like, like, like The lady lover's league!" he all-but shouted, obviously proud of himself for managing to think of this.
"The what?" I asked, stifling a chuckle.
"The Lady Lover's League!" Yasaka repeated, even louder than before.
"The Lady Lover's League?" I said, stifling a chuckle.
"Nonono, not like that!" the drunk young man beside me admonished, and gave me a nudge on my shoulder. "Like this: The Lady lover's League," his voice was hushed, like he was speaking aloud a terrible secret.
I laughed, and would have let all this go as the ramblings of one extremely intoxicated young man.
But something else was distracting me.
"What's that sound?" I asked, tilting my head a bit to strain my hearing. "It, it sounds like an engine-"
And then the wall closest to the street feel inwards, having been replaced by the grille of a massive APC. The house rocked on its foundations as the vehicle rudely ploughed into the building, knocking Yasaka off his feet and rolling forward.
"Sh*t!" I cursed, and already there were swords in my hands. If the Clocktower wanted me, they would have to fight me first.
"What the hell?!" Kazehana echoed, and in one smooth motion was on her feet.
"Murf fwrg mafflpagh!" Yasaka shouted into the floor, having found himself in a tangled heap of limbs and pain.
The vehicle backed out of the hole it had created, allowing rubble and loose pieces of wood to fall.
Two men calmly walked through the newly-created hole in Izume Inn, both of them clad in strange uniforms. They looked like those worm by the Disciplinary Squad, but more masculine. More edges, more metal. Pointy bits.
One I recognized as that of Hiroto, and I would have run him through in an instant were it not for his companion.
"Who here dares speak of The Lady Lover's League?!" he demanded haughtily, and tossed his hair. Inexplicably sparkles fell from it and a rainbow-array of light shined behind him. "Let them stand and be counted as the fools they are!"
"mff-FMRRRGHL!" Yasaka tried to shout, but again the floor was providing an unforeseen obstacle.
The other man, with whom I was infinitely more familiar with, smiled wanly down at me. I could do nothing but stare at him.
"Hello, Shirou," he said. "I'm glad we could meet again, even if these aren't the ideal circumstances."
My mouth opened of its own accord and words fell out of it without regard to my own blank mind.
"Kiritsugu?" I said quietly, not quite certain if I could allow myself to believe in this. "Dad?"
"Yeah, it's me," the original Magus Killer said with a nod. "No, I didn't die."
"B, but we cremated you!" I said, trying to make sense of what was going on. "We made a shrine for you!"
"Actually, you didn't," My absentee-father explained. "It just looked like me," he seemed to notice my mortified expression, and quickly added upon this statement. "But it was a very nice shrine! One of the best I've seen!"
"W, why would you do that?" I asked hollowly. "Why would you fake your own death?"
Kiritsugu smiled softly, and spread his arms wide in a welcoming gesture.
"Because as leader of The Lady lover's League, I had certain obligations to see to," he explained. "Obligations that I couldn't involve you in."
For what seemed like a long time I could not speak. My brain simply could not process the sheer nonsense that had just been thrown at me.
"... You left me alone because you had to run one of the most ridiculous-sounding conspiracies of all time?" I asked, flabbergasted at what I was being forced to contend with.
"No- well, yes," Kiritsugu admitte, sounding a bit remorseful. "To be fair, though, the name wasn't my idea."
"Indeed!" Minaka interjected and proudly struck a pose. "It was I, our glorious leader's second-in-command who determined the name of our clandestine organization!"
I looked over at Minaka and, upon seeing the excited madness in his eyes, decided that I really didn't want to know just what was going on.
Kiritsugu paused, and fidgeted slightly in agitation. It was clear that he didn't actually want to answer this question.
But he did anyways.
"Because I like the ladies, Shirou," he said eventually. "I really, really like the ladies."
A pregnant silence set in, and it gave birth to an awkward silence that was begging to be broken.
"What," I said flatly, so shocked at what I was hearing that I couldn't even make it sound like a question.
"Yeah, and when my old friend Minaka told me what he was doing over here, I knew I had to get involved," my father went on, blithely destroying the mental image I had cultivated of him for years. "I mean, c'mon! Women tailored down to the genome to want to shack up? This is my kind of scheme!"
"B, but you're the Magus Killer!" I cried out in protest. "People fear you all over the world!"
"And you know what?" Kiritsugue asked rhetorically, shrugging as he did. "I gained that reputation while hanging around a bunch of ladies. Hot, sexy amazon-ladies."
"I, that, but, wha-?!"
"Personally, I prefer to think of myself as a lady-killer," Kiritsugu continued without seeming to mind my fumbling attempt to rationalize all the madness that I was hearing. "But I guess it's that whole 'you have sex with one sheep' rule in full effect. And I guess I did kill a lot of magi in my time. But all that's in the past now, because you're here! You can set my legacy straight! You'll be my successor!"
"I, but I thought, aren't- What do you mean, successor?!" I shouted in confusion.
I had left behind all the familiar touchstones of my old life. I had long ago passed the point of rationality. I was far beyond sanity, and had thus left everything that mine was built upon behind. My mind was a white haze of chaos and strange, punctuated by all the women in my life.
... Which, now that I think about it, might have been a bit more than average.
Suddenly, I didn't like where this was going. It meant that, in some small way, I was complicit in all of this madness.
"Shirou, stop for a moment and think;" Kiritsugu advised, and held up a hand to count off certain points. "You're a young man with a troubled past. You can give a five-star chef a run for his money. You're quiet, nice and helpful to everyone around you. You have an unbending sense of justice. And on top of all this, you're cut like one of the better class of Greek gods," he lowered his hand as this final point was tallied, and nodded towards me. "You aren't a chick-magnet, Shirou. You're a black hole of oestrogen. Your mere presence is enough to attract any and every woman, given enough time. Do you think that happened by accident?"
"Yes?" I answer, full of trepidation. I was beginning to suspect that I didn't want to know the answer, that the logic behind all of this would make even my internal reality weep with frustration.
"Hah!" Minaka laughs, pointing at me. "Show what you know! Tell him, o glorious leader! Tell him of your genius!"
Kiritsugu cast an annoyed glance over towards the eccentric scientist, but made no further comment. Instead, he turned back to Shirou and elaborated.
"Shirou, you've exceeded every expectation I've ever had for you," Kiritsugu explained. "At first, it was just simple things. Making you learn how to cook, keeping you fit, teaching you how to treat others – I did all of this to help you with the ladies! But you just showed so much talent. You wanted to be more!"
My adoptive father had, somehow, struck a dramatic pose without seeming to make any movements.
"And so I had to fake my death to give you the most powerful of weapons in the war of love: a tragic past. I knew it would only be a matter of time, then."
"And now that you're here, the League can use your lady-killing skills to take over the world!" Minaka added on, growing more excited with every word spoken. Towards the end he was shouting and gesticulating wildly. "Just as soon we implanting you with a brain-chip to store your brain-waves and then implant them into super-freaky cyborg-clones! The world will be ours once its women come flocking to our soldiers!"
The room was silent for a moment as everyone took a moment to process just what Minaka had said. The moment did not last, however, and soon enough my adoptive father sighed heavily.
"Seriously Minaka, do you even listen to the things you say sometimes?" Kiritsugu asked, shaking his head.
"What? Why would I listen to myself?" the eccentric scientist asked. "That would mean I was talking to myself. And that's the sort of thing that crazy people do."
"That's what I-" Kiritsugu paused, uncertain of his choice of words. "But you are-" again he hesitated, and then he simply shrugged. "Y'know what? Just forget it."
"But of course, o great leader!" Minaka turned to a nearby adjunct and pointed at me theatrically. "Release the harem bunnies!"
At his command a crowd of ridiculously well-endowed young women flounced into the room and surrounded me. My swords were lost in a sea of bouncing breasts and yielding flesh, and hands latched onto me and carried me away. Not once did I put up a fight, however. Not once did I resist.
My brain was still hurting too much from all the stupidity that had been inflicted on me in one night. It was just too much to contain.
And that was how my life as the focus for all female romantic attention started.