Jensen NEVER gets the girl!
by: ImmortalRain7

ok so I just recently read a fanfic for Cougar/Jensen and FELL IN LOVE with them - and i hadn't even watched the movie! But while watching the movie, I was suddenly hit with inspiration for this Fic and absolutely had to publish it!

Summar: Though he lived an amazing super secret spy life, Jensen, for some reason, never can get the girl! Maybe there's a reason... slash fic Cougar/Jensen. One-shot.

Disclaimer: Nope don't own nothing

Note: The story follows the movie pretty well but I do deviate from it a few times...also the entire last scene of this story is completely from my imagination.


Ok this is now an official, completely true fact – Someone should post it on the internet on that "True Facts" website! – I can NEVER get the girl! Never. Ne – Ver. Want me to spell it out for you too? Cause I can – I won the spelling bee state championships all two years of middle school…Yeah, two years, you heard me! What can I say, I'm a mad genius!

Where was I? Oh right, right – I can't seem to be able to hook up with the hot girls that I meet! And it's totally not fair! What – You don't believe me? ….

Exhibit A:

After our "party" at the Doll Factory, Cougar and I convinced these two smoking hot girls – I'm talking 11 out of 10 on Hotness Scale – to give us rides to the cemetery where we were meeting the others. During the ride, I glanced over to Cougar. He was leaning forward on the girl's back and whispering things in her ear. She'd smiled and giggled, and even at one point, gasped.

Gathering the courage, I also leaned forward on the girl whose motorcycle I was on and whispered into her ear. "Hey, so what's your name?"

Ok, granted it wasn't my best pick up line but I mean, come on! If the Spaniard over there could get the girl, I definitely could too.

Unfortunately, I must've gotten on the bike of the girl who was on her period because she scoffed at me and slammed on the gas, causing me to slide back on her bike – and almost fall off, might I add.

Well, I didn't try that again.

Dejectedly, I glanced back over to Cougar and his girl. At one point she gasped very loudly and it almost looked like she looked back at me…but then she twisted her head back and said something in Spanish to Cougar.

"No! En serio? El?" (1)

The sniper did his "Cougar smirk" as I like to dub it. It wasn't really a full on smirk, it was more a mix between a grin and a smirk. But instead of both ends of his lips going up, only one went up, kinda making it look crooked.

Well anyway, he "Cougar smirk"-ed at the girl and then lifted his hand and flicked the tip of his hat, his own way of saying yes.

We finally made it to the cemetery and after I climbed off the girl's motorcycle, I glanced at the others waiting for us. Pooch had his mouth open, same as Roque, and Clay expression said "Really, guys? Did you really have to show off like that?"

I shrugged casually like this was a normal occurrence, "Sorry we're late. There was a party at the Doll Factory." And I outright grinned at them.

I turned and said in the best Spanish I could muster, "Ah, gracias para tu ayuta!" (2)

The girl stared blankly at me before smirking slightly. I grinned even more.

I glanced over to Cougar – just as he leaned down and kissed the girl straight on the lips. The girl lifted up her hand and snaked it around his neck, pulling him closer to her. The kiss lasted for …well – quite a long time, to be honest.

I was in shock for a while but then I glanced down at the girl I rode behind. Hmm do I dare? Yes, yes I do dare.

I shuffled up to the girl and leaned down, reaching a hand out to cup her cheek. Just as I puckered my lips and they were about to meet hers – she was suddenly gone from under my hand. I opened my eyes again and looked to see what had happened.

Well, the girl was kissing someone. Granted, it wasn't me.

Cougar had snuck up behind the girl, pulled her chin around and soundly kissed her on the lips just as he did to the other girl.

I listened as Pooch, Roque, and Clay laughed behind me before taking a second to prepare myself. I turned to face them and smiled like I really didn't care, sauntering away from the girl and trying to convince myself that I wasn't hurting on the inside.

Exhibit B:

I was lying down on the hot, black pavement pretending to have been in a terrible car crash and waiting for a helicopter to come so I could hijack it…yep, just a normal day in my life.

Anyways, only a few short minutes after I called in on the radio about our crash, the helicopter flew into sight, landing close by.

Two soldiers jumped out – one coming to me and another going to Roque who was also lying on the ground near me. I groaned loudly – trying to get my Robert De Niro impression spot on.

The soldier by my side gently felt ran hands down my sides and chest to see where I was hurt, and said, "Soldier, are you ok? Where does it hurt?"

It was at this exact moment that I realized the soldier was a girl…and a very pretty one at that. I sat halfway up and leaned back on my elbows.

"Oh hey, what's your name?"

Once again, not one of my best pick up lines – in fact, I think it was the same one I used last time…hmm, maybe I should get some more lines.

I reached for her hand and she smiled at me. "My name is – "

And then her body jerked forward and she was stiff, falling on the pavement beside me. I sat up all the way and glared in the general direction of the forest, putting a hand to my earpiece.

"Cougs, dude, you couldn't've waited until after I got her phone number?"

I heard a small snort of laughter from his end and I smiled in return. Right, now back to business.

Exhibit C:

Alright so I'm not exactly sure if this one counts or not, but I mean, I could've had a chance with these ladies…if we just hadn't been on the mission….and if I didn't have my pants around my ankles.

Yea, it wasn't a good day.

Anyways, so here I was, infiltrating the Goliath Enterprises to get some algorithms to, FINALLY, figure out what was so special on that flash drive. And, using my oh-so-amazing skills, I managed to get the elevator to myself….then again, scaring other girls away with my singing isn't really something I want to boast about.

Anyways, I ripped off the headphones and proceeded to change into my other outfit. Unfortunately for me, I decided to start with my pants. Just as I dropped my pants, the elevator door dinged open and I saw four very attractive ladies staring at me.

After a moment's hesitation, I put my hands on my hips and tried to look cocky.

"Liking the angle of the dangle?" I said as smoothly as possible.

I swear that one of the ladies was licking her lips while another one said "Very much."

I sighed deeply as the elevator's doors shut closed and I was alone again. This was not gonna be a good day.

I had managed to finish my dressing and stepped out of the elevator, opening the door like a true gentleman to Mr. Anderson. No, please, after you. After all, you are allowing me to hack into your computer so I don't mind holding the door for you. I smirked and walked to the secretary outside his office.

"Hey I'm uh-" moment's hesitation as my brain seemed to shut down at the sight of a woman, "Skippy, and I'm hear to install the firewall to Mr. Anderson's computer." I finished in a fast voice."

"I'm sorry you just missed him. Maybe if you come back in an hour?"

"Oooh" I said faking disappointment. "Well you know it'll only take two minutes, he doesn't even have to know. The big guys upstairs are really bugging me about it."

Haha, get it? Bugging…cause I'm installing a firewall….to stop bugs…Come on, people, these are the good ones.

I walked swiftly through the doors even as she protested. "Hey by the way," and since I couldn't resist my inner charm, I had to add, "That's a really pretty dress you have on."

Mind if I take it off….Eh? I tell ya, I'm smoother than Casanova sometimes.

Hmm. It's too bad then that she called security on me….Jeez five different women within ten minutes and I didn't get ANY of them. See what I mean.

Exhibit D:…..part 1

Well, it only stood that when we finally got a female presence on our team, I had to go and hit on her…it was just expected of me.

So I nodded to Cougar, making sure he'd watch my smooth moves. He may have gotten those two biker chicks, but I was gonna get the hot team member.

I sauntered up to where she was cleaning her gun and started putting on the charms.

"Hi." Ooh I am a smooth one. "So where are you from? Originally?"

She glared up at me. "The wilds of Northern Africa."

I smiled and bobbed my head, "Wow! That must have been so…" And then the genius left my brain and flew to Europe for an extended vacation, "sandy" I finished lamely.

But do not fear, for I never give up! I tried again, "So do you have any hobbies?"

She paused and debated something before saying, "When I was little, I collected human ears."

And it was right about now that I decided to turn tail and run away – I mean, I walked calmly away and was in no way, shape or form, running from the super scary female.

I glanced back and watched as she smiled knowingly at Cougar and shrugged. Hmm that was weird. Wonder what that was about…

Exhibit D:….part dos (haha, see, Cougar, I do know some Spanish!)

Ok so let's all just be honest for a second or two…Every single one of us, Losers, thought that Aisha was hot! Even Pooch, who is extremely in love with his wife, could admit that the girl was pretty to look at.

So of course it stood to happen that the only female in our group turned out to be the daughter of an evil guy….Go figure!

And as Murphy's law would have it, of all of the men in that entire hotel room, she just had to shoot me!

As if being dissed by two hot motorcycle girls, a super hot unconscious soldier, and five (count em….five) business women was bad enough, I didn't need to be shot by one as well!

The pain exploded in my left arm and before I knew it, I was on the ground, groaning in pain and trying not to scream like a little girl. The others continued to open fire on the bathroom, hoping there would be a lucky bullet that hit her right in the forehead. When the firing came to a stop, Cougar was suddenly beside me, grasping my arm and assessing the damage. Pooch kneeled down, listened to me groan for about two seconds before declaring that I'd live and walked after Clay and Roque.

Cougar stayed by my side, staring at the wound. Suddenly, without warning, his finger prodded the wound.

I yelped in pain, "Ah, Cougar, be gentle!"

Clay, Pooch and Roque walked past us, "Let's go! The cops are on their way!"

Cougar, with more gentleness than I thought he possessed, lifted me up to my feet and guided me out the door. We ran from the building, getting more distance between the Po-Pos and us, before Cougar said in his quiet, reasonable voice, "We need to stop and clean the wound."

The others agreed easily enough and soon we were walking in through the front doors of the nearest pharmacy. I glanced around it as I stumbled towards a cold metal table that would stand as Cougar's operation table.

I groaned loudly when I saw far wall, which was decorated with the small Bolivian dolls that Cougar and I were forced to make. "Man! Those dolls follow us EVERYWHERE!"

The others ignored me…but that was normal. Call it a defense mechanism but I liked to talk when I was worried or in pain, so I just continued to prattle on about anything and everything that came to mind.

"Hey, have you guys ever seen that Twilight Zone episode where the little doll comes after the girl's father and kills him? Maybe these dolls are just like that. That doll's name was Talking Tina…You know, I once knew a Tina back in middle school. She had light blond hair, sat in front of me in math class. I used to poke her in the back of the head with my pencil eraser. I got kicked out of that class many times because of Tina. One time I was sent to the principal because I stuck a piece of paper on her back saying, 'Kick Me.' Ah classic. Those are the good old pranks…"

I chattered contentedly while Cougar roughly pushed me down on the cold table and ripped my shirt away from the wound. The others started pacing around the pharmacy and I could tell they were getting annoyed at my endless talking.

Finally, Roque got so annoyed he grabbed a lollipop off the counter, unwrapped it, and stuffed it into my mouth. Silence filled the air for the first time in the past five minutes and the others sighed in relief. I reached up with my good arm and took the lollipop out of my mouth.

"You know, it's not polite to shove things into other people's mouths without asking. I mean honestly, where are your manners? I figured a nice gentleman like you would take a lady out to dinner at least before shoving things into her mouth and expecting her to just start sucking it."

I grinned up at Roque who was cracking his knuckles, "Suck the damn lollipop and shut the hell up, or I'm gunna shoot your other arm as well!"

I waved the lollipop through the air, completely dismissing his threat and was about to continue talking when Cougar reached over me, grabbed my good wrist and put the lollipop back into my mouth. He turned back the bullet wound and continued working on it, not once saying a word.

For a moment I debated taking the lollipop out again but decided against it. He was, after all, being very gentle while patching up my arm. He took out a needle and thread from the nearby first aid kit.

And that's my cue to turn away. I could hack into a million computers at once, take down thousands of very expensive firewalls without a second thought, and I had an acting career that was better than Charlie Sheen, but I can't stand needles. Ugh.

I instead focused on Cougar's face as he worked diligently over my arm. His dark eyes were focused and he seemed to be able to assess the deep wound without missing a single detail. Those were the true eyes of a sniper. His mouth curled down into a slight frown as he worked – almost like he was frustrated or unhappy about something – but I couldn't think of a reason why. I mean, he wasn't the one who got shot by the crazy bitch.

~X~

So you see what I mean? I live an amazing life – I'm like the James Bond of America! And still I have yet to catch a girl with these handsome looks and suave nature. Hell James Bond has had more girls in one movie than I've had my entire life! Some things just are fair!

After a month long vacation, the Losers agreed to meet up again and receive the next mission that would get us that much closer to catching and killing Max. Aisha and Clay had vacationed together – doing God knows only what for hours on end! Pooch had stayed and looked after his beautiful little baby boy. Cougar had agreed to go with me to visit my sister and my niece.

And due to circumstances being as they are – a.k.a. I have NO idea how to drive a motorcycle – Cougar was kind enough to allow me to ride on the back of his for the return trip. Though for some unfortunate reason, I keep forgetting that Cougar drives like a maniac so the entire 6-hour trip was spent with me clutching his waist in a death grip as he drove 120 mph, weaving – very dangerously, I might add – through traffic.

As we pulled up to the small parking lot, the rest of the gang was already there and waiting. Aisha and Clay standing next to each other – very closely – and Pooch was showing off all his baby pictures like the proud father he was.

Cougar skidded the motorcycle to a stop close to the others and smoothly stepped off it, turning to toss the strap of his rifle case around his shoulder. I sat on the bike for a few more moments, still trying to calm my heartbeat.

"So, J, gonna finally find that girl you've been waiting all your life for?" Pooch asked in a cocky voice – he had, after all, found his before I found mine.

"You just wait, Poochy-Poo. I may have had a bad track record for the last mission but not this one. It's a clean slate. And Jensen is finally gonna get the girl!"

"HAH! Just admit it, Jensen, you're never gonna get the girl!"

I frowned and was about to retort with something more than likely witty and intelligent, when Cougar walked in front of me, blocking my view of the others. He leaned down and grabbed my chin gently tilting my head up to look at him. Suddenly his lips were on mine and ….it felt amazing!

I couldn't stop the moan from escaping my lips and once it did I immediately felt his tongue on my lips, silently – as he always did everything – to allow entrance. I parted my lips in response and his tongue dove into my mouth. My hand came up, almost unconsciously, to wrap around his neck and pull him closer to me.

After a few more seconds the need for air became to strong for us to ignore any longer. He pulled back, leaving his forehead touching lightly against mine.

His lips formed the infamous "Cougar smirk" and he said quietly, "Let's be honest, you're never gonna get a girl."

He pulled away and walked towards Clay, all business again. I sat on the motorcycle for a few more moments, completely in shock, and trying to completely block out the sound of Pooch's catcalls and laughter.

Ok, so as I said, it's a completely undeniable truth that I never get the girl…but maybe that's not such a bad thing!


1. The girl says to Cougar, "No! Really? Him?"

2. Proper Spanish would be "Gracias por tu ayuda!" (Thanks for your help) – guess Jensen can't be a nerd about everything

Well here it is! I hope you liked it a lot, and please REVIEW! I was hit by the muse lately and started a short fic which would go in the middle of this one - it's about the time Cougar and Jensen spend on their vacation to his sister's house. Let me know if you want me to continue writing it.