Even More Things Wrong With Twilight

A/N: But wait! There's more! (Insert cheesy salesman grin)

Do Bella and Edward ever have a conversation with any substance? At all?

Apparently, Bella didn't attract anyone in Phoenix, but the second she steps foot in Forks she's got guys wanting to date her like she's f**king Megan Fox. Either A) All the girls in Forks look like trolls or B) Stephenie Meyer is an idiot.

If girls look up to Twilight and follow the "advice" the book gives, expect alarmingly high suicide rates. Because if girls jump of cliffs every time their boyfriend leaves them, you can bet there will rarely ever be a Jacob to save them.

A girl gets to know two guys, and one is a werewolf and the other is a vampire. Someone failed Statistics.

One of the most important laws of physics: matter cannot disappear, nor can it generate spontaneously, ergo, werewolves would have to be the same size in wolf form as they are in human form. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at science.

Apparently, Rosalie's family wasn't affected by the depression because her father worked for a bank. One of the major factors in the depression was that THE BANKS FAILED. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at History.

So far we've established that Meyer knows nothing about Literature, Grammar, the English language, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Logic, Ethics, Math or History. So basically, she failed high school. Maybe even middle school.

Is there any wholesome message that can be taken from Twilight? Aesop must have a dartboard with Stephenie Meyer's face on it in heaven (or wherever you go after you die)

Just when gender equality was starting to be somewhat established, Twilight threw us back to the 50s. Thanks, ladies.

I sat through the whole book just hoping that either Bella or Edward would die. Or get AIDS. Or cancer. Or something.

If Edward was dying from influenza, what happened to the viruses inhabiting his cells? Unless vampire venom kills viruses, which it probably doesn't unless it kills human cells too, Edward should either A) not exist, as his cells would have been overrun by viruses and rendered useless or B) Be a walking influenza virus which should be considered an international health threat and neutralized immediately (RIP Edward, I certainly won't miss you).

The church attacked Harry Potter because it involved sorcery, but I have heard little about the church attacking Twilight even though it contains no morals, more swears and violence, underage sex, supernatural creatures (with superpowers), and teen pregnancy. Skewed much?

The covers are supposed to be all brooding and deep, but they have absolutely no relationship to the actual story (or lack thereof).

The covers completely killed the black, white, and red color palate.

Carlisle may be a doctor, and he may have been working for ages and ages, but considering vampires still have to pay bills and Carlisle is the only one who works, they shouldn't be living like billionaires. Doctors don't make that much- I should know, my father is one.

How do the Cullens get fake licenses that actually work? I mean, in order to enroll in a public school, you need birth certificates. How do they fake all those documents successfully- dozens and dozens of times?

People can make conspiracies out of nothing nowadays. Wouldn't they have noticed that one really strange family with the color-changing eyes?

If all the Cullen kids pretend they're siblings, then aren't all their relationships incestual (or at least quasi-incestual)?

The movies are a failed attempt at drama using a cheap camera filter and terrible actors who have the same energy level as a comatose person.

When my friends dragged me along to see the first Twilight movie (I put my foot down after that), I remember all the fangirls awing at the "Romantic" parts. And their dates groaning as if they were in literal physical pain. I'm a girl, but I was groaning with them. At the end of the movie, one guy literally proclaimed, "Thank god it's over!". My sentiments exactly, fellow Twihater.

If you thought the first three books were bad, forget about the fourth. My mother enjoyed the first three Twilight movies (I was horrified), so then decided to read the 4th book. She got through two hundred pages before throwing in the towel, telling me, "It was like she wrote it on LSD." I couldn't agree more. In fact, if Meyer wasn't on LSD, the allusion that it was is by far the most skilled thing Meyer has ever done as a writer.

In some ways, I think "My Immortal" is better. At least no one took that seriously. Or published it. (And if you don't know the "My Immortal" I'm referring to, leave this website immediately. You don't deserve fan fiction without submitting yourself to that torture first.)

Meyer, please take a pin to your head. It needs some serious deflating if you wish to ever fit through a doorway.