Another fic loosely loosely based off of a song… This one being Someday You Will Be Loved by Death Cab for Cutie.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Never will. : P Unbeta-ed.


Things happen in relationships that are just plain unexplainable- painful things, happy things. Such a mix of oddball occurrences that it was almost impossible to keep track of all of them.

Sanji knew this better than anyone else in the world- or at least, he believed he did. Living in such an opulent environment for his entire life had led him to have such a multitude of sexual partners. For some reason, it was an extreme turn-on for a man to be able to cook. Sanji didn't exactly know why, but he was willing to exploit his gift to the ends of its limits.

Woman after woman had lain in Sanji's bed in his short life, pampered, caressed, venerated even. Yet, women were such fragile creatures. It took such care and gentleness to satisfy them to their fullest, slow and granting touches that would mean nothing in the end as Sanji released them to whatever ship awaited at the small port of the Baratie. Not many lasted for longer than a few weeks; women simply weren't cut out for the harsh lifestyle of the fighting chefs and the constant pirate raids.

Men; however, could take whatever Sanji threw at them. Rough and quick- grating and scarring, no need to worry about soothing foreplay and calmness. Straight up fuck and dump- the only times Sanji's male partners stuck around was when they were another of the chefs on the Baratie, and more often than not those chefs would be kicked (quite literally) off the floating restaurant by Zeff for some tiny mistake that seemed obvious to the rest of the cooks. Sanji had taught himself to search for these guys- the ones who wouldn't stick around and cause more issues than the blonde wanted to deal with.

And that was Sanji's first thought upon laying eyes on Zoro.

Of course, Sanji had been too preoccupied pampering who would later become his Nami-swan, but when Sanji thought about it today, he realized that if it weren't for the Don Krieg fiasco, Zoro probably would have been one of Sanji's quickies.

Now, on the other hand, Sanji was too busy trying to kick the damn swordsman's head off to even think of quick sexual release.

"Get out of the way, shitty marimo! The ladies are waiting!" On any other occasion, Sanji would just step on the man in his way, but an accidental over-fill of the ladies' fruit drink glasses had led to Sanji being extremely careful how he walked, and walking on a moving platform (especially one that had a tendency to attempt to trip him) usually led to spills.

"Like I give a shit…" the man in question yawned obnoxiously, stretching himself back over his spot on the stairs that to others seemed extremely uncomfortable, but this is Zoro, and he can fall asleep anywhere. Today he just happened to choose the steps that led to Nami and Robin's favorite lounging place.

"Move or I kick you all the way to Raftel…" Sanji growled threateningly, lifting a leg in an attempt to show he would do it.

The green-haired man opened one eye in response, looking at his chef with mild annoyance, "If you were gonna kick me, you would have done it already." He stated bluntly, then shut his eye again and settled back in to his spot.

An indignant huff escaped Sanji's lips, and he decided to go for drastic measures. The chef took a good few steps back, and noticed with irritation that Zoro smirked at this response. Bastard thought he'd won… "Luffy! Zoro is playing keep-away with the meat!"

Zoro's eyes flew open in shock and dare he say terror, trying to refute Sanji's statement before the cry of "Meeaaaaaat!" rang through the air and a sudden red-vested blur tackled the swordsman off the stairs. Stepping gracefully out of the way, Sanji headed up to his target and carefully set the drinks down on the small table next to the scantily-clad Nami. The orange-haired woman smiled up gratefully and giggled for effect, "Thank you, Sanji-san! These look absolutely delicious!" Her archaeologist companion smiled and nodded in agreement.

Sanji, naturally, swooned. Hearts flew around in his vision and he performed several pirouettes that would make Bon Clay jealous, "Only the best for the most beautiful women on the sea~!" he sang, before halting to do his customary noodle-dance, "Is there anything else you two angels will be needing?"

"Oh, this will be quite enough, thank you, Cook-san," Robin replied with a polite smile and turned her attention back to her book. Nami returned to sun-tanning, which Sanji would have fawned over for a little while longer if it weren't for the fact that there was a certain thing called supper that he needed to attend to. With one last compliment and several more hearts, Sanji headed back toward the galley, dutifully ignoring the battle known as "I don't have the meat, you retard!" and shut the door behind him.


Supper had gone by smoothly- well, as smoothly as supper with the Straw Hat Pirates could go. Which basically meant Franky repeating "Super" a billion and four times (okay, maybe not quite that much), Luffy trying unsuccessfully to steal everyone's food, Nami calling the males pigs, Brook making a stupid "Skull joke", Usopp declaring a story that was completely untrue, but Chopper listened on, enthralled anyway, Zoro drinking any alcohol that was within smelling distance, Robin giggling over all of the mayhem and Sanji serving as well as he could.

Basically, a normal day. Which always ended with Sanji elbow-deep in suds, washing dishes that had been nearly licked-clean anyway. He was humming a nameless tune around his lit cigarette as he worked, thinking about what he would be making for breakfast in the morning when chaos ensued.

OK, chaos is a little extreme- but Sanji definitely did not approve of the heavy 'clunk' of boots and ungraceful feet entering his galley. A frown set itself on his lips and ash fell from the tip of his cigarette because of the small movement. "What do you want, idiot swordsman?"

Zoro continued staring for a few moments from his spot by the door, his expression nearly unreadable. But, Sanji knew his nakama well enough to understand that flicker of aggravation on his face. "…You did that on purpose," he accused.

Sanji's trademark eyebrows knitted together in confusion, "Did what?" he stopped his scrubbing to look at his crewmate, before recognition came into his eyes. "Set Luffy on you?" the man snorted and turned back to the work at hand, "Of course I did, shit-head, you wouldn't get up."

And yet, Zoro didn't move to leave the room, or even seem upset or irritated by the response at all. This slightly unnerved the blonde. Argumentative, lazy and muscle-headed Zoro he could deal with. A Zoro who actually seemed to be thinking? Now that was just weird. With a sigh, Sanji removed his arms from the dishwater and dried them off on a nearby towel, leaning his hip against the counter and staring at his current annoyance. "Since your pea-brain didn't catch it before, I'll ask again. What do you want?"

Zoro's eyes narrowed, and Sanji slightly relaxed. Any moment now Zoro would draw his sword and the two would be fighting as they always did. Sanji just hoped they wouldn't break his kitchen. But the tension returned to the air as Zoro made no such movement, and didn't even open his mouth to give any retort whatsoever. Tossing the towel onto the counter, Sanji glared as best he could, "If you're gonna stare like a god damn fish, do it somewhere else. I ain't got time for you."

Time seemed to pass by at a snail's pace before Zoro took a single step forward. "Black Leg" didn't stand down, of course, he just raised his right leg off the ground, "What the fuck do you want, marimo?" he snarled. Once again, he was graced with no response as Zoro continued his slow pace forward, a determined expression on his face. For the first time ever, Sanji honestly had no idea what Zoro was thinking and this worried him. Worried him enough that a flicker of doubt crossed over his features, and that moment was all Zoro needed to shoot forward and slam the cook against the wall- effectively trapping him there, leg bent between their torsos.

A gasp of air escaped Sanji's lips at the suddenness- he'd forgotten how fast Zoro could be when he wanted, and that had proven to be his downfall. Still he refused to back down, "Marimo, what the hell do you want?" he growled. If it weren't for the fact he knew punching Zoro would be like punching a brick wall, he would have shoved the swordsman away a long time ago.

Finally Zoro opened his mouth to give that long-awaited response, "...I'm bored."

Sanji could feel the veins in his forehead pop, his eyebrows twitch, his teeth bearing as though he would rip Zoro's throat out right there. "You're… bored?" he hissed.

Although he didn't relieve any of the pressure that held Sanji against the wall, especially that knee between pressed against the inside of his thigh (when the hell had that gotten there?), Zoro shrugged, "Yup." He replied simply.

"Get off. Right now," Sanji ordered. He dug his short nails into Zoro's arms in a vain attempt to at least make the other man uncomfortable enough to release him. However, Zoro didn't seem particularly keen on this idea and snatched both of Sanji's wrists, moving away just enough that Sanji's leg fell from its place between them and his foot slammed loudly against the wall before he pressed tightly against Sanji again, having the man more trapped now than before. "Fucker!" Sanji snapped, wriggling as best as he could, but the only effect it had was Zoro bringing both of his hands above his head and trapping his wrists against the wall with one hand. "Get off of me! Rapist!" he growled. If he were less of a man, he'd scream for help.

Zoro snorted, "Rapist…" he muttered, and suddenly the man's lips were tickling Sanji's ear as his free hand slid up and down his side, "Don't lie- you looked at me with bedroom eyes the first time you saw me, shit cook." Zoro accused, smirking as his tongue darted out and licked the shell of Sanji's ear.

The cook's eyes widened in an almost comical manner, and he began to squirm in discomfort as a shudder ran up and down his spine from Zoro's simple movement. He didn't get the chance to respond before Zoro's knee was pressed against his crotch, rubbing in slow, sensuous circles that caused a slight whimper of want to escape from Sanji's lips. It had been months since Sanji had had any release- the ladies on this boat were much too pure for such actions, and after that first time, Sanji had never even considered any of the men. And all of that sexual tension was building up in this moment, and Zoro seemed to realize this. Damn him.

Zoro nipped at Sanji's earlobe, then around his jaw and leaving a wet trail in his wake. Sanji shuddered when Zoro pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, and found himself leaning forward when he knew where the next kiss would be directed. Tongues battled for dominance, teeth clashed in a manner that seemed anything but pleasurable but was positively invigorating for both men. Before long the two pulled back, breathless with swollen lips, staring at each other with such a fire in their eyes.

"Last chance to turn back, curly-brow," Zoro said, and Sanji was slightly surprised by the sudden Compassion Zoro was showing.

A growl escaped Sanji's lips, "If you leave me like this, I'll filet you, bastard."

His partner smiled and happily complied with Sanji's wishes, pressing their lips together tightly once again and continuing the battle for superiority, that one free hand slipping lower and lower to slide into Sanji's slacks.

"We eat in here!" Both men flew apart, panting and red-faced at the cry, finding Usopp standing at the door, horrified, with Franky behind him in his "Super" pose.

"Super! Get some, Zoro-bro!"

Needless to say, the noises that accompanied the rest of the night were the pained cries of a certain cyborg.



Mwuhahahahaha! No smut for you guys! Teehee! Anyway, review and all that other stuff. Blah blah blah, I'm a needy author…