This one is some harmless silliness. I love these three to pieces and think it would be hilarious if they decided to give Kyo some brotherly advice. So imagine that Kyo and Tohru have just confessed to being in a relationship. They're still living with Shigure and everything. Bear in mind that I've only watched the anime, so this could be AU really (for all I know). Anyway, I don't own Fruits Basket (anime or manga) and this is just for my own amusement (and hopefully yours). So with no further ado, please welcome:
~Love Lessons with the Mabudachi Trio ~
Tohru, Kyo, Shigure, and Yuki were finishing up a leisurely lunch when the commotion began. It wasn't unusual for them to have unannounced visitors – and it really wasn't even uncommon for them to have loud, out-of-control unannounced visitors – but Tohru still jumped when someone outside slammed their screen door open.
"We've come to have an important discussion with Kyon-kichi!" Ayame announced gleefully, putting a bottle of wine he brought with him down on the table around which the four occupants of the house were sitting.
Tohru, who could practically see the dark clouds forming over Kyo's head, had to stifle a laugh.
"I'd like to state for the record that I had no part in the original hatching of this scheme," Hatori said as he walked in behind Ayame. His expression was level-headed and calm as always, a stark contrast to his companion. "I simply agreed to take part at the last minute - mostly to keep these two in check."
"What else is new?" Yuki asked. The sarcasm in his voice declared in no uncertain terms that he was not overcome with enthusiasm at his brother's arrival. "I'm guessing you two have heard the news, then?"
"Of course we have!" Aya gushed. "Kyon-kichi and the lovely Tohru-chan, a happy couple at last! I'm so proud of him! And seriously, little brother – the news couldn't have traveled any faster! And that's only thanks to my dear friend Shigure here, who visited us at the main house the evening after the two confided their relationship to him!"
Clearly, Ayame hadn't noticed Shigure's frantic gestures not to mention his name. The reason for these motions was soon evident, as Kyo turned on Shigure with a dangerous expression of anger.
"How could you – "
"No worries," Aya interrupted quickly, stepping between the two. "We would have found out anyway. After running into you two walking home together last night - holding hands, I might add - Momiji ran back to the compound to make wedding decorations as fast as his little legs could carry him!"
"Nobody has said anything about a wedding!" Kyo cut in, holding up a finger.
"Trifles, trifles," Ayame replied. "You're not going to lose this one, Kyon-kichi. We're not going to let you."
Kyo was still stewing, but silently. He clearly hadn't bothered to come up with a rebuttal to that.
"But seriously," Ayame said. "We're going to have to ask Yuki and Tohru to depart for this. It's a man-to-man-to-man-to-man discussion."
"I'm a man!" Yuki exclaimed, looking highly offended.
"Well, this isn't a conversation where we'll need your input, necessarily," Shigure said quickly, seeing a conflict on the rise. "This is between the three Musketeers and Kyon-ki – I mean, Kyo."
"If you insist," Yuki sighed. "Better him than me, I suppose. C'mon Tohru – I don't think your boyfriend will mind if I treat you to a bowl of ice cream."
"He won't!" Ayame called on Kyo's behalf. "You kids have a good time!"
Yuki rolled his eyes, but opened the door for Tohru politely. As soon as the two were well out of earshot, the real conversation began.
"Kyo has a girlfriend! And it's Tohru-chan!" Ayame shrieked, his expression positively ecstatic. "I can honestly say I never thought I would see the day!"
A vein somewhere on Kyo's forehead twitched dangerously.
"Thanks," he said sarcastically. "I'm flattered. Really."
"That's not what I meant! I just meant with your sullen attitude and the natural inferiority complex that comes with being the cat – "
"Ayame," Hari cautioned.
"Let me see if I can put this a bit more eloquently," Shigure offered. "Basically we're all happy to see you so happy with Tohru. And we thought you might need a little bit of help learning how to… uh, act in a relationship."
Kyo raised an eyebrow.
"You have a tendency to act rashly and say things you don't mean," Hatori cut in. "And Tohru takes things very personally. That's not a good combination. Consider this an intervention."
"Thanks, but I think we'll manage," Kyo said, his frustration increasingly evident. He got to his feet, looking as though he was going to walk out.
"Kyo – " Shigure started.
"Sit down," Hari commanded. "This isn't just about you anymore. We care about Tohru. If you do too, you'll sit down and listen to what we have to say."
Kyo paused in the doorway for a minute, but he finally sighed and came back to the table where the others sat.
"Okay, fine. I'll listen. But don't expect me to change anything. And if I'm going to have to sit here, somebody better pour me a glass of wine."
Shigure and Ayame exchanged a smile as Hatori obligingly poured four glasses of the deep red merlot.
"You really pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Aya?" Shigure asked, examining the bottle once his friend had finished. "This wine is imported and everything."
"Well, the dress shop has been particularly successful lately, thanks to the new Parisian catalogues Mine ordered for inspiration. And besides, it's not every day that one of us gets in a successful relationship. Especially with a non-Sohma. This is an occasion to celebrate."
"Oh, most definitely," Shigure agreed. "A toast, then?"
The four raised their glasses – Kyo with an additional roll of his eyes – and clinked them together.
"To the happy lovers!" Ayame exclaimed.
"To the happy lovers," Shigure and Hari repeated, the former with much more enthusiasm.
"Okay," Kyo said, lowing his glass and taking a big swig as soon as they had finished. "Get to the point already."
"We've managed to outline a list of things that you must do to keep Miss Honda happy," Ayame announced. "It's only three items long, but we think it's fairly conclusive."
Kyo gave them all a skeptical look.
"What suddenly makes you three the relationship experts of the family?" he demanded. "Your track records are spotty at best."
"Well, true," Shigure admitted. "But we have one thing you lack: experience. We have all been alive for about ten years longer than you, and have thus spent ten years longer around women. We know better how they think and the things that they want. And we each have some individual talents to bring to the table, so to speak. As an author, it's my job to understand the human condition – as it applies to men and women. Aya, on the other hand, deals with women every day. And Hari… well, Hari has had some legitimate relationship experience."
"So you know what they want, you just can't provide whatever that is yourselves?" Kyo asked, smiling sarcastically.
It was at this point that even the ever-stoic Hatori began to look a bit irked. Fortunately, Ayame cut in before he could.
"Irrelevant!" he exclaimed. "Our individual successes and failures are not your concern. The point is, we have three lessons you need to learn, and judging by how fast my brother and your little girlfriend can eat ice cream, you only have a few minutes to learn them. So listen carefully!"
Sighing but knowing he had no choice, Kyo gazed around at the three of them.
"Alright. Go ahead, if you must."
"Okey-dokey!" Shigure exclaimed. "Number one: girls like being told they're beautiful."
"That was mine!" Ayame stage-whispered, giggling shamelessly.
"Well that's already dumb," Kyo said. "Tohru is clearly beautiful. She sees that every time she looks in the mirror. Why would I have to point out the obvious like that? It seems stupid to me."
Shigure and Aya exchanged a horrified look.
"Gure-chan, this intervention was needed even more badly than I thought!" Ayame exclaimed.
Hari, ignoring them as usual, leaned across the table.
"Kyo, the point is, most girls are naturally insecure. Even the beautiful and talented ones like Miss Honda. So it's your job as her boyfriend to assure her that she looks beautiful, cooks good food, and makes you happy in every way she can."
"Okay, fair enough," Kyo replied. "I compliment her. I can do that. What are these other two 'magic' steps?"
Shigure cleared his throat.
"You must always consider what she really wants," he proclaimed.
Kyo raised an eyebrow.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Well, considering this one's mine, I will take the opportunity to enlighten you," Shigure said. "Basically, what a girl says she wants and what she actually wants are very different things. Fortunately for us, most girls have similar likes and dislikes. For example, she will like it when you dress up nicely, even when she says there's no need to do so. When she tells you that she's tired but doesn't mind cooking for you, assume she wants to go out to eat."
Kyo was beginning to look a bit intimidated.
"Are there any other rules like that?"
"A thousand," Shigure said matter-of-factly, smiling all the while. "But you'll figure them out as you go along. Just remember: if you mess up – and you will mess up – apologize profusely, admit you were wrong, and do something nice to make it up to her. She'll get over it, even if she acts like it's the end of the world at the time."
"Okay," Kyo said, counting on his fingers. "That's two. You promised me three. What's the last one?"
Shigure and Ayame both giggled, and Hari gave the two a look of frustration.
"It's your turn to read," Shigure insisted between giggles, passing the list to Ayame. Aya fluffed the paper and sat up straighter in his chair.
"Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly of all, you must be extremely good at sex," he said clearly, with a radiant smile.
Kyo's jaw hit the floor.
"What kind of advice is that?" he exclaimed, looking absolutely mortified. "First of all it's a given, and second of all, how on Earth do you three expect to teach me – "
"Calm down," Hatori ordered, regaining composure faster than the rest of them. "It's simply a fact. Women like men who can perform. You must keep a clear head, be gentle with her – unless she specifically asks you to do otherwise – and always consider her pleasure before your own."
Not even cracking a smile or indicating a bit of discomfort, Hatori took a sip out of his wine glass.
"That one was yours, wasn't it?" Kyo demanded, looking more than a little bit shocked and disoriented.
"It was," Hatori replied simply.
"He is a doctor, you know," Aya said with a shrug. "He knows how all that stuff works."
Kyo shuddered a little bit.
"This is getting worse and worse… I really hope that's all you three have to tell me."
"Almost," Hatori said. "My last piece of advice to you is to use protection. Shigure?"
Smiling, Shigure pulled a huge wad of foil-wrapped squares out of his pocket.
"I have cherry flavored, glow-in-the-dark, all sizes ranging from extra-small to extra-large (since our guesses regarding the matter varied dramatically) and three different brand names," he proclaimed, throwing the shiny little packages up in the air like confetti.
Kyo, suddenly realizing what had been thrown around the room so unceremoniously, backed up a few feet. His expression was one of horror.
"I'm not taking any of those!"
"Kyon-kichi, this is what brothers do. Take the condoms," Aya ordered.
"Kyo, don't make me ask you again," Hatori said, his voice stern. "I'm telling you as a doctor that there is a 30% chance – "
"Alright, alright!" Kyo interrupted, scurrying around and picking up all the condoms. Looking surreptitiously around the room, he shoved them into his pocket. Kyo's face was glowing even redder than his hair.
"I hope you three are happy, because I'm not listening to any more!" he said, sitting back down and crossing his arms.
The three friends exchanged a look, all nodding.
"I think that's about all," Shigure said brightly. "You've been such a good listener, Kyo. Good job."
Kyo muttered something unintelligible under his breath.
"And perfect timing!" Aya exclaimed. "Here come Yuki and Tohru-chan right now!"
Kyo turned and looked towards the open screen, his expression still irked to say the least.
"Well don't sit there, silly boy, get up and welcome your fair lady home!" Aya exclaimed, ushering him off.
Kyo was still muttering under his breath, but he got up and headed for the door. From behind Kyo, Shigure could see Tohru waving in the distance, a half-finished ice-cream cone in her hand. Smiling to himself, he gently shut the screen behind his younger cousin.
"I think you two enjoyed that far too much," Hatori remarked, finishing up his glass of wine. "I haven't heard giggles like that since the time you put tadpoles in the toilets in the girl's bathroom back in our high school days."
Shigure laughed, and Ayame merely shook his head.
"That was nothing, Hari-kun," he said. "Just wait until my little Yuki gets a girlfriend."