Fade in to an open meadow with a yellow brick road running through the midst of it. Suddenly, a female could be heard approaching, starting to sing a song...
"I... I... I... I..."
Lindsay appeared over the horizon, skipping happily along the path as she was dressed in a sky blue pinafore over a frilly white shirt, blue ankle-length socks, and ruby red slippers. She also had a leather satchel on, with the strap running from her left shoulder, over her chest, and to the bag itself, resting against her right hip. It looked as if dated back to the Pony Express days, but on it, stamped in white letters, were the words 'Important Cargo Inside,' and 'Jewelz!' Apparently, Lindsay was on a delivery run of some sort.
But her job was the last thing on her mind as she was singing a tune to the melody of "We're Off to See the Wizard."
"Oh... I'm off to watch the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz! It's airing on Cartoon Network tonight, but somehow that doesn't sound right! Should not they just be airing some cartoons, for those good boys and them lovely loons, because because because because BECAUSE... shoot, I don't recall what the next line was! I'm off to watch the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
But as Lindsay happily trotted along, she was unaware that someone was waiting for up ahead, hiding in some bushes. He had apparently laid a trap, and was just waiting for it to be sprung.
And it all started with a sign that had been planted at a nearby fork in the road. It pointed down the left fork and read 'Free Gift for All Girls Named Lindsay!' Lindsay came upon it, and stopped to read it.
"Oh my gosh!" she gasped. "I'm a girl! And my name's Lindsay! And I LOVE free gifts!"
Lindsay made her way down the left fork, which diverted her off of the yellow brick road and onto a concrete sidewalk, and before long, she saw a small round table set up with an even smaller, rectangular piece of plastic on top of it.
Upon seeing it, Lindsay squealed with delight as she ran over and plucked the object from the table, which happened to be...
"A one hundred dollar gift card to the Khaki Barn!" she exclaimed. "EEEEEEEEE!"
Suddenly, a spherical cage dropped down from above, trapping anybody who happened to be under it. Unfortunately for the attacker, Lindsay was standing outside of the cage... and she was none the wiser.
That is, until her attacker, who happened to be Chris McLean, marched angrily out of the bushes with his hands thrown up in frustration.
"That's the LAST time I order from ACME," Chris grumbled loudly.
Lindsay gasped as she squinted and tried to remember his name.
"For Pete's sake, you're supposed to be IN the cage, you dingbat!"
"Don't tell me," Lindsay groaned in disappointment. "The sign lied and this ISN'T a free gift!"
"You'd be right! But..."
Before Chris could explain his true purpose, Lindsay handed over her satchel to him. A little stumped, Chris opened it... and was greeted by the sight of twelve brightly shining jewels, or birthstones, to be exact.
"That should about cover it! Now, if you'll excuse me... I'VE GOT A HUNDRED DOLLAR GIFT CARD!"
Lindsay ran off with the gift card, leaving Chris holding the bag. Literally.
"That... didn't work out as I planned."
Suddenly, a brown haired man in his fifties, wearing a business suit, stepped out and onto the sidewalk, with two bar stools in hand. He placed them on the ground, sat down on one, then motioned for Chris to sit on the other.
"Have a seat, sir," he said.
"Who are you?" Chris asked.
"I'm Chris Hansen, and you're on..."
But before he could finish, 'Total Drama' Chris had already started running off. The other Chris pointed, and suddenly a swarm of cops appeared to give chase.
"Someone's gonna pay for this!" Chris could be heard yelling as he and his pursuers disappeared into the distance.
-[Insert theme song here!]-
Total Drama VGP
Story Written by Freedom Fighter
And so it begins! Again!
I recommend that if you haven't read the original, "Total Drama Fantasy," stop and go read that first. If you have, welcome to the sequel, where the only things you need to remember from "Fantasy" are that the ending DIDN'T happen and the chapter count picks up from where we left off.
Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. All songs used are property of the respective owners and such.
Chapter Fourteen - Who Are You Guys? (06.07.11)
The sun was shining brightly over a dusty old village, filled with quaint little people that dressed like it was still 1896.
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend!
Come inside! Come inside!
*coughs, then talks*
Or rather, outside!
To a small village lost in time
One that goes by the name...
Ca-... can't we just call it Toronto?)
NO! We did that last time!)
Fine. But I'm not repeating the name.)
That's 34 bytes of our writing budget you just wasted!)
Just... just cut to the leads already...)
A mass of people (ahem, extras) rushed towards the edge of the village, hearing about a stranger who had collapsed there. But the group did not completely consist of people we will never see again after this opening scene, as the sounds of two teenage boys attempting to make their way to the front could be heard.
Eventually, the crowd parted, and out stepped... Trent and Cody.
"You seein' what I'm seein', fraternal twin brother?" Trent asked as he glanced over at Cody.
"I'm definitely seein' what you're seein', fraternal twin brother," Cody responded.
Trent scratched his head, a bit confused.
"Remind me... when you reckon we became fraternal twin brothers?"
Cody shrugged his shoulders.
"Dunno. But that's what it be saying on our birth certificates!"
The two boys proceeded to pull them out for everyone to see. And they had the long-form version of them, too. They all saw the three words that had been stamped at the top of their certificates.
FRATERNAL TWINS, YEP!
With that matter settled, the boys pocketed their documents and turned their attention to the teenager face-down in the dirt in front of them.
"Where do you suppose he came from?" Cody asked aloud.
"Pismo Beach," replied Trent. "Probably made a wrong turn at Albuquerque."
The duo then saw the green mohawk embedded in the guy's black hair, and they instantly figured out who had stumbled into their village.
Trent and Cody took Duncan to their house, and laid him down in Cody's racecar-shaped bed. As soon as they did, though, he began coming to. Duncan groaned as he sat up, pressing his right hand against his forehead as he tried to get his bearings.
"Ugh... what hit me?"
As his eyesight came into focus, he realized that Trent and Cody were standing before him.
Duncan jumped out of the bed, and hastily reached for the nearest object he could use as a weapon. It turned out to be... a Bratz doll.
"What the hell, man?" Duncan looked crossly at Cody.
"It's my sister's!" Cody quickly explained.
Trent leaned over to whisper something in his twin's ear.
"We have a sister?"
"Ix-nay on the ister-say!"
"Look, whatever," Duncan said, tossing the doll aside. "How did you guys capture me, huh? You drug me? Smashed a bottle over my head? Or did I trip, bang my head against a rock, and develop amnesia?"
Trent gasped. "That's EXACTLY how Cody came to this town!"
"Dude!" Cody whined. "Why do you keep telling people that?"
"Wait!" Duncan realized. "I can't have amnesia because... I remember who you dorks are! And... you married Gwen!"
Duncan pointed at Trent...
"And... so did you!"
...and then at Cody. The two looked at each other oddly, then at Duncan.
"How do you know that we dream about marrying Gwen someday?" Trent asked.
"Dream?" Duncan gawked in surprise. "It really happened! The both of you married Gwen! At the same time!"
The two of them laughed hysterically.
"Wha... what are you laughing about?"
"Dude," replied Cody. "I know Trent and I are fraternal twin brothers and all, and we share a lot of things..."
"...but us?" Trent cut in. "Being married to Gwen at the same time? No. That's polygamy."
"Besides... why we would share Gwen? She may be as hot as the sun, but there's not enough of her to radiate both of our loins. If you know what I mean, wink, wink."
"ARGH!" Duncan screamed, holding his head in pain. "How do you not remember that? And the wedding, too. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
"OOPS, HA HA!" someone shouted from off-screen. "My bad! Knew I forgot to do something today!"
Duncan instantly placed the voice as belonging to...
But before he could finish, said person appeared out of nowhere, with a one-ton wooden mallet, and used it to deliver a knockout blow to Duncan's head.
And just like that, Duncan was out cold again.
Duncan awakened from his forced slumber, and found himself in bed again. But not in the same one as before, as he was now in a more average, rectangular-sized full-size bed. As he sat up, he heard a female voice call to him from the downstairs.
"Duncan!" she exclaimed. "If you don't get out of bed now, you're gonna be late for the first day of your Pokémon journey!"
"AW, HELL NO!" Izzy shouted from off-screen.
Izzy appeared again, with an even bigger mallet, and bonked Duncan on the head even harder.
"We really should wake him up, Cody. We've got a story to get on with."
"Me? Why do I have to wake him up, Trent?"
"Because he's in YOUR bed!"
Duncan came to a third time, and as he sat up, his headache had blown up into a full migraine... with a protruding bump sticking out of his mohawk to boot.
"You're awake!" Cody realized, before slowly backing away. "Now, before you get angry, Duncan, I had NOTHING to do with that bump..."
"Bump?" Duncan looked perplexed. "What... bump?"
Trent and Cody both slowly pointed towards the top of Duncan's head.
"Wait? Who... who are you guys?"
Duncan acted as if he did not know who they were.
"Not that I think about it... WHO THE [BLEEP] AM I?"
And this is a good place for a commercial break!)
THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS IN FANFICTIONS!
On sites that host fanfictions, maybe...
Wait, I'm not paying you to narrate! GET OUT OF MY BOOTH!)
"I PAID THREE MILLION CANADIAN DOLLARS TO TELL YOU I HAVE RABIES!" Izzy yelled at the top of her lungs. "Oh, and Izzy's Backwater Emporium! YEAH!"
Best three million of Chris' money I've ever spent!)
You spent six months of my hairspray budget for THAT?)
GET OUT OF THIS BOOTH OR I STOP THIS PARODY RIGHT NOW!)
"HEY!" an angry Gwen shouted in Trent and Cody's faces. "I HAVE A CONTRACT!"
The two boys were standing outside, unfortunately on the receiving end of Gwen and her tirade.
"You what now?" muttered Cody.
"I HAVE A CONTRACT that states that, in case of a sequel, I get a twenty percent increase in screen time AND a thirty percent bump up in pay! And here we are, already halfway through the first chapter, AND I HAVE TO FORCE MY WAY IN JUST TO GET RECOGNIZED?"
"It's not our fault..." Trent attempted to explain.
"And another thing," continued Gwen, "WHO ARE THE CRACKPOTS IN WARDROBE THAT ARE MAKING ME WEAR THIS?"
Gwen pointed out the outfit she was wearing, which was a one-piece tan-but-mostly-black corset that made her waist look even smaller than it normally did, if that was possible, pushed out her chest, and made her butt stick out.
Of course, upon getting a good look at her, Trent and Cody had to quickly cover the nostrils with their hands to keep all of the blood in their bodies from gushing out.
"I LOOK LIKE MEGAN FOX IN JONAH HEX! Only I'm a MUCH better actre-..."
Gwen did not get to finish her sentence, as the tightness of her corset was not only making it hard for her to breathe, but it was also preventing any blood from circulating down to her legs. And all the yelling she was doing certainly did not help her, either.
Gwen collapsed, falling onto the ground. Her face started turning different colors as she flailed her arms every which way.
"Oh no!" Trent gasped. "What should we do?"
Cody suggested, "We should take her clothes off!"
Gwen kicked Cody in the nads. He grabbed them and doubled over in pain.
"We should loosen her clothes a bit," he managed to wince out a better idea.
Trent followed that suggestion, loosening Gwen's corset slightly. After a few seconds, Gwen's face started to turn its normal pasty white. She waited until her breathing normalized and she could feel her legs before finally moving.
"Gah!" Gwen finally said with relief. "I thought I was gonna die!"
"We're just glad it didn't happen," Trent smiled. "At least... not until I got a chance to take you out on a date."
"Hey!" Cody objected as he got back up, having recovered from Gwen's low blow. "It was my suggestion to loosen her corset! Besides, the Great Fairy told me!"
Trent looked skeptical.
"The Great Fairy? The Great Fairy from 'The Legend of Zelda,' told you?"
"You sure you don't mean Navi?"
"Since when is Navi a Great Fairy?"
"HEY!" Gwen shouted. "LISTEN!"
"Aw, crap," Cody gulped. "Gwen's mad again."
"I'm not mad! I'm... I'm... just frustrated."
Gwen slowly trotted over to a nearby bench to sit down on. The boys joined her, plopping down on either side of her.
"I feel so... conflicted," Gwen poured out. "It's like... part of me is pulling me one way, and the other part is pulling me a different way. And let's not forget the voice in my head that thinks I'm anorexic, but I know I'm not because I had half a piece of toast for breakfast yesterday. Meh... what does SHE know?"
"I totally understand what you're going through," Trent and Cody told her in unison.
Gwen's face and demeanor suddenly perked up.
"Really? Oh, guys, that's such a relief! Because the truth is..."
"Hey!" Duncan shouted as he trotted into the scene. "You guys were supposed to help me figure out what my name is!"
Duncan then stopped approaching upon seeing Gwen. His jaw nearly dropped to the ground as his eyes became enamored with her angelic form. He ran over, pulled Gwen off of the bench before Trent or Cody could stop him, and brought her in close enough that her body pressed firmly against his.
"Hey," Duncan smiled as he gazed deeply into Gwen's eyes. "My name is Duncan..."
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOUR NAME YET!" Cody yelled from afar.
But Gwen did not care, as she seemed entranced by the aura he was giving off.
"Duncan, eh? I like that name!"
Duncan smirked. He knew he had her hooked.
"I hope so, babe, 'cause after a night on the town with me, we'll get some grub, scoot on over to my place, and do some boom-boom-pow, if you catch my drift! Then, in one to four weeks, when you find out you're preggers, I'll say... 'It's not my fault! Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a alcohol, blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a alcohol!'"
Upon hearing that declaration, though, Gwen snapped back to reality, growling in disgust over his words.
"And now I'm not feelin' it."
Gwen forced her way out of Duncan's grip, and as she gracefully stumbled a few steps backwards, she did so into the waiting arms of Trent and Cody, who were not all that happy with Duncan's plans, either.
"You were planning on getting Gwen drunk?" Cody asked. "How dare you?"
"She's fifteen!" exclaimed Trent.
"Sixteen," Gwen quickly corrected.
"Pfft," Duncan blew them off. "Many teenagers drink anyway. It's a known fact!"
"It's still not right!" Cody told him.
"Yeah!" added Trent. "As cartoon characters who are watched every week by impressionable nine-to-fourteen year olds, we must be good role models and always obey the law!"
"Whatever," Duncan rolled his eyes. "We can get away with it because the actors who play our characters are actually of age! Like those cats from 'Gl-...,' I mean, that show that I didn't watch last week."
Gwen raised an eyebrow in intrigue and surprise.
"You watch 'Glee?'"
"No!" defended Duncan. "'Glee' is for dorks!"
"Ten million people say otherwise!" argued Cody.
"The point is," Trent cut in, getting back on track, "is that we're not going to let you go through with what you planned!"
"Oh ho!" chuckled Duncan. "Like you two are gonna stop me!"
Trent and Cody marched over to Duncan, and all three boys growled angrily at each other. Then, without warning, they started wrestling each other in a three-way, fighting to become the alpha male.
But Gwen was not going to stand for them trying to rip each other limb from limb a second more.
Upon hearing Gwen, the trio obeyed her request. Trent had one of Duncan's arms pinned behind his back, Duncan was using his other arm in an attempt to give Cody a wedgie, and Cody was trying to give Duncan more amnesia by bopping him on the head with his left shoe.
"I get it! All three of you want me, and there's NO way I'm even going to contemplate a foursome..."
"Don't knock it 'til you try it, sweet cheeks," suggested Duncan.
For that suggestion, Gwen rewarded Duncan with a boot to the head.
"OW!" Duncan cried.
"He gets a boot to the head and I get one to the nads?" complained Cody. "How is THAT fair?"
Gwen responded... by giving Cody a boot to the head as well.
"Sheesh!" Trent remarked. "I'm so glad I'm the non-pervy guy."
"Aw," Gwen cooed. "I appreciate that. Still, gotta be fair!"
Gwen then gave Trent... oh, you should know by now.
"GAH... BRAIN DAMAGE!"
"Now, as I was saying... the only way this is going to be settled is for you three to compete for my heart! I'm the sole judge, and I decide how you score! At the end of the story, the guy with the most points... is the guy who wins me!"
"That sounds fair enough," Trent said.
Cody and Duncan nodded in agreement.
"But..." Gwen interjected, still feeling that her idea needed a bit more oomph, "we need an overarching storyline for the readers to focus on while this matter gets leisurely settled in the background. Hmmm... whom can we seek out to get us one of those?"
Fifteen minutes later, at Izzy's Backwater Emporium...
"An overarching storyline?"
Gwen and the guys were inside the building, as apparently her idea was to seek an idea from the resident loon, Izzy, who was wearing a potato sack over her body... because she was Izzy and she could wear whatever she wanted.
"Hmmm..." Izzy murmured out loud. "Not sure if we have one of those. Hold on... HEY, LOWLY APPRENTICE!"
Izzy turned around to look back into the storage area, and a few seconds later, Harold marched out wearing a tuxedo... and a giant, heavy spiked turtle shell strapped to his back. Duncan snickered.
"Where, oh where, do I begin razzing on you for this?"
"It's called hazing!" Harold explained. "GOSH!"
"Quiet, worm!" shouted Izzy, elbowing Harold in the stomach. "You cannot talk unless I tell you to! Now, give us a storyline!"
Harold obliged... by presenting the satchel from the prologue. He opened it to show off the twelve jewels inside, which shone in amazement to Trent, Cody, Gwen, and Duncan.
"So," Izzy said, "jewels! Twelve of them! Go find 'em!"
The gang looked at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, Gwen said what they were thinking.
"News flash, Izzy... they're right there."
Before they knew it, the roof retracted, Harold and the 12 jewels were launched into the distance by a catapult. Once in mid-air, the jewels developed a mind of their own and split off into 12 different directions. Harold managed to grab one as it rocketed off, and he was pulled along for the ride.
A few seconds later, Trent, Cody, and Duncan all had their mouths hanging wide open in disbelief, while Gwen had a peeved look on her face as she glared at Izzy. The lunatic, on the other hand, seemed pleased as punch as she looked back at Gwen and said...
"You like being wrong, don't ya?"
*** To be continued... ***
[this fic sponsored by Izzy's Backwater Emporium
located at the corner of Fantasy and Insanity!]