THE SCOTTISH PLAY ANALOGY
SCENE ONE: The Cheesecake Factory. All four guys are at their usual table.
HOWARD: Montgomery Scott.
SHELDON: No, last names don't count.
LEONARD: Right, sorry. Ah…Patahk.
(EDDIE enters, appearing distracted)
HOWARD: Hey, Eddie!
(EDDIE walks past to another table)
SHELDON: Howard, it's your turn.
HOWARD: She just ignored me.
RAJESH: What'd you do?
HOWARD: Nothing, since she shoved my face in the rug, and that was over a week ago.
SHELDON: Howard, it's your turn. We need to finish before our food comes.
LEONARD: (turns to look where EDDIE is sitting) I don't think she saw us. (raises his hand) Hey, Eddie, over here!
EDDIE: (blinks and looks over to the table) Oh. Hey, guys. When'd you get here?
LEONARD: We've got room over here, you know, if you want to sit with us.
EDDIE: Okay. Yeah, sure. (brings a chair over to sit at the head of the table between LEONARD and HOWARD)
LEONARD: We're trying to get through the alphabet with Star Trek character names before our food comes. Want to play?
EDDIE: Uh, sure. Yeah, good, okay. What letter are you on?
LEONARD: Yours is Q.
EDDIE: Then that's easy: Q.
SHELDON: Wrong. Q refers to all omnipotent beings who inhabit the Q Continuum, and is not an individual name.
EDDIE: Yeah, it is. Everyone calls the one character Q, he answers to Q. When anyone mentions Q, they think of the one same individual portrayed by John de Lancie.
SHELDON: That's only because he never reveals his actual name, knowing that it is beyond the limited comprehension of lesser beings.
EDDIE: Fine, whatever. Quark. Is that acceptable?
EDDIE: (to LEONARD) Somebody's got a Q complex.
SHELDON: Hurry up, Howard. That's R to you.
HOWARD: Ro Laren.
RAJESH: S… (glances at EDDIE) S-sp…
SHELDON: If you two keep slowing us down, we won't make it in time!
EDDIE: Oh, just spit it out, Raj!
EDDIE: Do last names count?
LEONARD: No, it works because it was the only name given to the character until…
(PENNY enters with their food and serves them)
PENNY: Here you go, boys.
SHELDON: Oh, so close! You do realize that our failure is your fault, Eddie.
EDDIE: I do. And I'd like to apologize by saying… (blows a raspberry)
PENNY: Oh, hey, Eddie. Have you ordered yet?
EDDIE: Um, I…think…no, I don't think so. Just a bacon cheeseburger and a cola, thanks.
PENNY: Are you okay?
EDDIE: Yeah, I just…I've been having trouble writing this issue of The Baron of Shadows.
HOWARD: You have writer's block?
EDDIE: (frantically) Shh! Don't say that!
HOWARD: Why not?
EDDIE: It's like the Scottish Play of the writing set, you just don't say it.
PENNY: Oh, like when in theatre, you don't say "Macbeth" because it's a cursed play, so you say "the Scottish Play" instead. (pause) Did I just pull a Sheldon?
LEONARD: It's okay, though, right, because you're always a few issues ahead.
EDDIE: See, that's the problem. I was a few issues ahead. But this…being stuck…is putting me way behind.
LEONARD: How far behind?
EDDIE: Oh, well, the one I'm stuck on now is due in about twenty-eight hours. (suddenly begins massaging temples) Brain spasm…
PENNY: I'll go put in your order. (leaves)
HOWARD: What are you stuck on? Maybe we can help.
SHELDON: (covers ears and begins singing) I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral…
EDDIE: (reaches across the table to pin his arm down, he stops singing) Sheldon, I won't spoil anything. But if you keep singing, as on-edge as I'm feeling, I just might have to smack you. Okay?
EDDIE: Okay. (pats him on the cheek and sits back down) Let me just ask something, without giving anything away. One of my problems is that one of the characters needs some sort of pole arm with a serrated blade. I mean, I could just make something up, but if some sort of archaic weapon already exists…
SHELDON: It's called a guan dao, or also referred to as a kwan dao or kuan tao. The literal translation is "reclining moon blade". It's serrated along the back edge of the blade.
EDDIE: Good, good. I can make that work. Moon blade…I like that…
SHELDON: However, due to its size, the Baron would likely not be able to wield it to its greatest advantage. It would take someone more like Torod or the Stone Mage.
EDDIE: (to HOWARD) He's like a walking, talking Wikipedia.
HOWARD: Yeah, he walks, he talks, he just doesn't shut up.
EDDIE: No, this is great! (to SHELDON) What's the difference between a swamp and a marsh?
SHELDON: Swamps are more densely populated with trees, whereas marshes have more low-growing grasses and shrubs.
EDDIE: (getting up from her chair) Come on, let's go.
SHELDON: Go? Where? I'm not finished eating.
EDDIE: Get a doggie bag. Come on, you're gonna help me get this story unstuck.
SHELDON: Considering our signed agreements regarding discussion of unpublished material, I must refuse.
EDDIE: We'll draft up an amendment.
SHELDON: I still don't think…
EDDIE: (threatening) Sheldon, do you want the Prince of Takla to die?
SHELDON: Well, no.
EDDIE: If you don't help me, his blood will be on your hands.
PENNY: (enters with EDDIE's food) Here's your…
EDDIE: Thanks. (pays out the money, then takes the burger in one hand and drink in the other) Sheldon, you have until 1:30 to meet me at my apartment. If you don't, he dies. (exits, taking a bite of the burger as she walks)
PENNY: Should I…call the police?
LEONARD: Don't worry. She was just talking about one of her characters.
SHELDON: I don't care what she says. I'm not going. (while putting ketchup on his burger, some accidentally squirts onto his shirt) Drat! Got ketchup on my new shirt. (tries wiping it off with a napkin) It won't come out. (tries harder, getting frantic) Out, damn spot! (becomes more frustrated until he rises from his chair) Alright, Eddie, I'm coming! (leaves, then returns to PENNY) Can I get my food in a doggie bag?
(theme segment plays)
SCENE TWO: Same as one, sans Sheldon.
HOWARD: This is great, we have a Sheldon-free day! How do we want to spend it?
(silence as none of them can think of anything)
PENNY: I switch to my bar shift in a few minutes. You guys can join me over there.
LEONARD: That sounds like fun.
PENNY: And tonight, they're doing a karaoke night. The guy who plays the keyboard's going to be taking requests to play the songs that people want to sing.
HOWARD: Wish I had my sheet music with me. Do you know if he can play the melody to the Gundam Wing opening theme song, the original Japanese version?
PENNY: I think it's safe to say that he doesn't.
HOWARD: That's a shame. I really brought down the house when I sang that at my cousin Micah's bar mitzvah.
PENNY: (as she walks away) It's going to be a looooong night.
(cut to EDDIE's apartment, cleaned to within an inch of its life; EDDIE and SHELDON enter)
SHELDON: (shrugs) I would have expected a struggling artist's apartment to be in a worse state than Penny's.
EDDIE: Penny's an artist, too.
SHELDON: I suppose acting is considered by some to be an art.
EDDIE: And I'm not struggling, I get paid regularly. Anyway, cleaning is the first phase in the bard's plague. I always assume that I can think more clearly if my workspace is cleaned. It never helps. It's all a part of the denial stage of being stuck. (crosses to her computer desk) I'll boot up the computer. You can sit and eat your burger.
SHELDON: (stands awkwardly near the door, clutching his take-out) You don't have a dining table.
EDDIE: I don't need one. You can eat at the kitchen counter.
SHELDON: I don't think so. Besides the fact that the counter is for preparing meals, not eating them, the stools are at a disproportionate height and are not appropriate for proper posture to allow for easy digestion.
EDDIE: So sit on the couch and eat at the coffee table, you do it all the time at your own apartment.
SHELDON: That's because I have a familiar spot on our couch. I can't assume that a similar placement on your couch will have the same standards.
EDDIE: (getting irritated) Maybe you'd be more comfortable on the floor.
SHELDON: Highly unlikely. And no matter how well your manic fit of distress motivated you to clean, any floor is too unsanitary to eat off.
EDDIE: Then stand in the doorway and starve to death.
SHELDON: (pause) I suppose I can test the couch and see what it's like.
EDDIE: How valiant of you.
SHELDON: (crosses the room and tentatively hovers over one section of the couch, then slowly sinks into it; immediately rises) Nope, that's too firm. (tries the next one) Nope, too soft. (tries the final one) Hm…just right. (unpacks and begins eating his food; as he leans back in the couch, a cat jumps onto the back of the couch, making him jump)
EDDIE: What, are you allergic?
SHELDON: No, it tried to attack me!
EDDIE: That's just Grizzy's spot. She always naps there.
EDDIE: The people at the shelter named her Grisabella, but I call her Grizzy.
SHELDON: A shelter cat? (picks up his food and inches away)
EDDIE: Don't worry, she's had all her shots. She's even wearing her rabies vaccine tag.
SHELDON: (cautiously peers at the cat's collar tag) Okay, she's clean. (sits to eat again)
EDDIE: (prints something off the printer, then takes the paper and a pen over to the coffee table) Here's the amendment to our Baron of Shadows waiver. This day is exempt from the waiver, we are allowed to talk about unpublished content, but I will make an effort to request story help from you in such a way that it won't give away key plot elements. If I do, then the former stipulations of the waiver still apply.
SHELDON: (signs) Okay, but I don't see how this can work. Everything you say is a clue, and I'm very good at piecing together clues.
EDDIE: Then it's your responsibility to restrain yourself. If you figure out something, it's not gonna be my fault. (returns to computer desk and sits to type) Reclining moon blade… Where are they gonna get a reclining moon blade from?
SHELDON: (correcting) From where are they going to get a reclining moon blade?
EDDIE: Right now, they're in the Nugal village just outside the swamp. Their blacksmiths wouldn't have anything like that.
SHELDON: Who needs the reclining moon blade?
EDDIE: I can't tell you.
SHELDON: It would have to be…
EDDIE: No, no speculating!
SHELDON: You're telling me to cease an operation of my brain that has been ongoing since my birth. Next, you'll be telling me to stop breathing and supplying my hemoglobin with oxygen.
EDDIE: What I'll be telling you next will end with my cat eating your entrails. (sighs to calm down) Sheldon, I am in the middle of a creative crisis, and I would really appreciate your cooperation.
SHELDON: Alright. I apologize. I will keep my speculations to myself from now on.
EDDIE: Thank you.
SHELDON: Even if they're right.
SHELDON: And they always are.
EDDIE: (to self) Maybe I could still make the story work if I just let the Prince get killed…
SCENE THREE: The Cheesecake Factory bar. LEONARD, HOWARD, and RAJESH all sit at a table with drinks, and PENNY is working at the bar. Someone is singing karaoke, the song "S.O.S" by Rhianna.
RAJESH: I want to sing a song.
HOWARD: I'm already signed up to sing "I've Got You Under My Skin" after that guy with the purple highlights sings "Bad Romance". What about you, Leonard?
LEONARD: I don't think so.
HOWARD: Come on, girls love a guy who has the confidence to sing in front of crowds. You don't even have to sing well for it to work.
RAJESH: I'm torn between Queen's "Somebody to Love" and Eric Carmen's "All By Myself". (his friends look at him) It's been a very lonely week.
HOWARD: (to LEONARD) You know what you should do, you should dedicate a song to Penny.
LEONARD: No, Howard. I've made my peace with us just being friends. I'm not going to ruin it by singing some sappy pop song off-key.
RAJESH: Oh, please! You are so obviously not over each other, everybody knows it.
LEONARD: Really? You think she's not over me?
HOWARD: Sheldon knows it. Wal-E the robot has a wider range of human emotion than he does, but he could still figure it out.
LEONARD: Well, even if that's true, it's not like we can get back together again after what happened.
RAJESH: You and Penny need to talk about your feelings, dude. Get some closure. You need to bite the bullet, or drop it like it's hot. Take the leap, or kick it to the curb. Pump up the warp speed, or self-destruct. (blinks and looks at their drinks) Which one of these is mine?
HOWARD: None of them.
LEONARD: Maybe you're right. Maybe we just need to talk it out more, you know, just sit down and have a calm, honest discussion of our feelings. No pressure, no commitment, just a… Oh my god, it's Kurt.
(KURT enters and sits at the bar, talking to PENNY)
RAJESH: Is it just me, or does he get bigger every time we see him?
LEONARD: No, I think it's just the high bar stool that makes him look bigger.
HOWARD: I think it's the fact that he casts a shadow over half the bar that makes him look bigger.
LEONARD: But things are different now. We're both ex-boyfriends of Penny. Actually, I have one up on him, because she was happier with me than she was with him.
HOWARD: You know, you might be right. Why don't you go over and tell him that? Maybe he'll give you his blessing before he uses your head as a martini shaker.
LEONARD: It really shouldn't even be a competition. I mean, she should have figured out by now that he's a gigantic jerk, and I'm…
HOWARD: …five feet tall and barely able to carry in your groceries.
LEONARD: I'm a nice guy.
RAJESH: (complaining) Yes, we know! Penny, you, Kurt, we've all heard this story before! Come on, guys, I want to have some fun! I know, I'll get another grasshopper, and we'll play a drinking game.
LEONARD: You've had two, you know.
RAJESH: I'll go get a drink, and you guys think of what the drinking game should be. (crosses to the bar)
HOWARD: So, are you going over there?
LEONARD: Considering my past encounters with him resulted in getting my pants stolen, being picked up off the ground, and having permanent marker set in my forehead for about a month, I'm going to pass this one up. (pause) You want me to go over there?
HOWARD: I have to admit, at this point, it's pretty entertaining wondering "what will he do next?"
LEONARD: (sarcastic) I'm glad my humiliation amuses you, but I'm not going over there.
RAJESH: (returns to his seat with another grasshopper) Okay, I've got it. Every time someone says "drink", we have to flap our arms like birds.
HOWARD: You mean drink, right?
RAJESH: (flapping his arms) What?
HOWARD: You wanted to play a drinking game, so the rule would be that every time someone says "drink", you would take a drink.
RAJESH: (takes two drinks) Whoa, that's way better!
(cut to Eddie's apartment; EDDIE is slouched down in her chair with her hands over her face, while Sheldon is sitting upright on the couch, staring into space as he organizes his thoughts)
SHELDON: …and with all due consideration to the demographics of the area, it is entirely plausible to assume that living in the village are descendants of the cursed overlord mentioned in Issue 5.
EDDIE: And why did we start this journey down the rabbit hole of endless prattle?
SHELDON: My "endless prattle", as you so ungratefully call it, just gave you an answer to the need for a reclining moon blade.
SHELDON: Didn't the cursed overlord wield a weapon none other could lift?
SHELDON: Well, unless you're reserving it for something more clever, which seems doubtful, is there any reason as to why that weapon couldn't be a reclining moon blade?
EDDIE: (lowers hands from face) No, I guess not.
SHELDON: And if in the village resides descendents of the cursed overlord, isn't it possible that one of them could have it, even secretly?
EDDIE: Yeah… (whirls around to face him) Oh damn, and I know who! It's that smart-ass innkeeper, the one who always rolls his eyes and sneers every time the Prince gives him an order.
SHELDON: Yes, he is a smart-ass…
EDDIE: Yes, that totally works! Thank you! (types something out) Okay, time for a quick break. Four races on Mario Kart. (crosses to set up the game)
SHELDON: No, not Mario Kart.
EDDIE: Uh, okay… Oh, how about one song composition on Wii Music?
SHELDON: Can we do "Frere Jacques"?
SHELDON: Okay, I'm in. I call melody.
SCENE FOUR: The Cheesecake Factory bar. HOWARD is on the karaoke stage singing "I've Got You Under My Skin". KURT is still talking to PENNY. LEONARD and RAJESH are at their table.
RAJESH: (plastered) Okay, I think I've made a decision. I am going to sing the feel-good classic "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul.
LEONARD: (staring between Howard and Raj) I'm going home. (gets up from his seat)
RAJESH: No! Come on, Leonard, the whole point of a Sheldon-free day is doing fun, silly things. In a bar. With drinks. (drinks) In a bar. With drinks. (drinks) Okay, I think I've made a decision. I'm going to sing the feel-good classic "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul.
LEONARD: Isn't that a duet?
RAJESH: You're right. You will sing it with me.
LEONARD: Doubtful, because I'm going home.
RAJESH: Sit down, man, just sit down. (LEONARD reluctantly sits back at the table) You know what your problem is?
LEONARD: You're breathing in my face. (coughs and backs away)
RAJESH: You take yourself too seriously, dude! You need to loosen up, take a chill pill, kick back and relax. Have a drink. (drinks)
LEONARD: I think you should stop with the drinking game now, Raj.
RAJESH: Only if you pick up where I left off.
LEONARD: Okay, fine. Here, give me your drink.
RAJESH: Okay. (slides it over) You said "drink", so you have to drink.
LEONARD: Sure. (drinks)
RAJESH: And I just said it twice, so you have to drink two more times. (LEONARD does) And I just said it again, so you have to drink again.
LEONARD: And you just said it again. (drinks once more, then sighs and leans back in his chair to recuperate from the rush) Ease up on the "d" word for awhile, okay?
(looks over and sees that RAJESH is gone; he looks around and finally finds him walking onto the stage to steal the microphone from HOWARD and finish the song, then the two begin fighting over the microphone)
LEONARD: (to self) Maybe he's right. Maybe I do take myself too seriously sometimes. I mean, here I am, in a bar, on a Saturday, and all I want to do is go home? (looks over to PENNY, who's laughing at something KURT said; in one gulp, he finishes the rest of the drink) I'm staying.
HOWARD: (joins him at the table) The Bollywood diva stole my stage time. But before I was booted off, I think I got the eye from that redhead in the corner with the triple martini.
LEONARD: (looks) Actually, I think she just has a lazy eye.
HOWARD: (fixes his collar) Enter Wolowitz. (crosses over to her)
LEONARD: (looking over at KURT and PENNY, talking to himself) Pump up the warp speed… (stands up and straightens his clothes) Warp speed ahead… (walks over to the bar)
PENNY: Oh hey, Leonard.
LEONARD: (considers the situation a moment, then says) I'll take another tequila sunrise, please.
PENNY: Sure thing. (mixes the drink and gives it to him)
LEONARD: Thank you. (as he returns to the table) Self-destruct… (sits down with his drink) Idiot!
RAJESH: (rejoins the table) Did you hear that applause? I think I even heard some girl whistle at me!
WAITER: (comes to the table with a grasshopper) This is for you, sir.
RAJESH: Oh, look, she even sent me a cocktail! Where is she?
(WAITER points to a table, where a young man waves coyly at RAJESH)
LEONARD: Yeah, she's a real looker, Raj.
(RAJESH takes the drink and sips it)
LEONARD: You're still going to take it?
RAJESH: Hey, a free drink is a free drink. (gives the young man the wink-and-point) Don't let me leave this place without you guys. And hey, that's two.
LEONARD: Oh, sorry. (takes two drinks)
(cut to Eddie's apartment. EDDIE is sprawled out on the floor, with her cat lying in her hair. SHELDON is sitting at the desk, glancing along the computer monitor)
SHELDON: No flaws.
EDDIE: (sits up) Really?
SHELDON: But there's one plot hole so huge, that it could swallow Vulcan and Romulus.
EDDIE: (falls back down) Damn! What is it?
SHELDON: There's not a single mention of Ilya, even though she was their guide throughout the previous issue.
EDDIE: Oh. Oh, that's not a problem.
SHELDON: How is that not a problem? Somewhere between the last issue's ad for x-ray glasses and this issue's departure from the inn, you've lost a whole character. You might as well have Puff the Magic Dragon dive-bomb into the swamp from out of nowhere, it would make as much sense.
EDDIE: (chuckles) That'd be kinda cool.
SHELDON: (snickers) Yes, it would. His whimsy would brighten the most dismal battlefield of Takla.
EDDIE: (stands and crosses to the desk) You just have to trust me when I say it's not a plot hole.
SHELDON: But how could it not be?
EDDIE: (sighs) It's not a plot hole, it's a plot twist.
SHELDON: A plot twist? (considers for a moment) That must mean that she…
EDDIE: No! Nuh-uh! You are not gonna do that! Just go sit next to Grizzy and behave yourself.
SHELDON: But it clearly means that…
EDDIE: Sit! (SHELDON does so; she stands over him) Now, all that's left for me to do is write it all out. I would appreciate if you could stay in case I hit an unforeseen snag. I would also appreciate if you don't talk unless I ask you to. Okay? You can help yourself to anything in the fridge, you can watch TV or play video games, but if you speak even one syllable while I'm writing, or if you have the gall to read over my shoulder, I'm going to cut the aglets off your shoelaces.
SHELDON: But then the tips will fray!
EDDIE: Yeah, that's the point. So behave yourself.
(as she sits at her computer and types, SHELDON brings Grizzy over to the couch and turns on the TV)
SHELDON: (murmuring to the cat) She can be really mean sometimes.
EDDIE: Did you just say something?
(SHELDON shakes his head and changes the channel)
SCENE FIVE: The Cheesecake Factory bar. LEONARD, RAJESH, and HOWARD are all sitting at their table. RAJESH's head is lying on the table, drunk and passed out. HOWARD is holding an ice pack over his eye. LEONARD is just finishing off the last of his tequila sunrise; by his swagger, he is obviously drunk.
HOWARD: For having a lazy eye, she sure had good aim.
LEONARD: Okay, I think I've made a decision. (the "thud" of him setting down his glass wakes up RAJESH)
RAJESH: (perks up) Don't go, Bella!
HOWARD: Another Twilight dream there, Jacob?
RAJESH: I don't know what you're talking about. And for your information, I play the role of Edward.
LEONARD: (leans in and puts his arms over their shoulders, speech slurring slightly) Guys, I've made a decision.
RAJESH: About a karaoke song?
HOWARD: About Penny?
LEONARD: Both. And I want you two to be my witnesses, because you are my best friends. (squeeze-hugs them) I love you guys so much!
HOWARD: Mutual, buddy, mutual, now let me go before Raj's boyfriend comes join us.
RAJESH: Is he still here? Damnit, I thought I lost him when I stepped out to throw up.
LEONARD: (gets up from his chair and pats them on the backs) You are my witnesses! (runs toward the karaoke stage)
HOWARD: Oh, this is great, he's going to dedicate a song to Penny and make a total idiot of himself!
RAJESH: You know it was coming up due. He has a cycle where has a breakdown like every twenty-eight days.
HOWARD: That's right, it's PMS time, and he's all out of Midol. And in front of Kurt. It's going to be good.
LEONARD: (on the stage with the microphone, he calls out rock-star-style) How ya doin' Cheesecake Factory? (other patrons cheer in response) Yeah! I'm going to sing a little song for a special little anonymous waitress to let her know just how I feel. (wink-and-point toward Penny and Kurt; the piano starts playing, and LEONARD starts singing the lyrics to the All-American Rejects, drunk and off-key) I wake up every evening with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place. And you're still prob'ly working at a nine-to-five pace. I wonder how bad that tastes. When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.
HOWARD: (with dread) Oh, I did not see this one coming.
RAJESH: Hey, I did, man. Bro's been hurtin', you know?
HOWARD: Would you stop talking like that?
LEONARD: So where your picket fence, love? And where's that shiny car, and did it ever get you far? You've never seemed so dense, love. I've never seen you fall so hard. Do you know where you are? Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying! If you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell. If you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell. If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well, then he's a fool. That's just as well. Hope it gives you hell!
HOWARD: (he and RAJESH are now watching Penny and Kurt) Look, look! I don't think Penny's taking it well.
RAJESH: Maybe we should stop him.
HOWARD: I don't know. Part of me wants to stop him, and part of me is wondering how this is all going to go down.
RAJESH: You mean part of you is wondering if you can be Penny's shoulder to cry on.
HOWARD: Like I said.
RAJESH: You're such a douche.
HOWARD: I'm the douche? Who's the one at the karaoke mic right now? (they continue bickering)
LEONARD: Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself, "Now where'd it all go wrong?" But the list goes on and on… (continues singing)
(PENNY crosses the room toward him)
HOWARD: Oh, watch this! She's going to get Nebraska on his ass, I'd bet anything!
(PENNY grabs the mic from LEONARD, hangs it on the stand, then pulls him into a kiss)
RAJESH: (claps) Alright, Leonard!
HOWARD: What? What the hell happened? It's not supposed to happen that way! Aw, man!
LEONARD: No, see, what is this? See, I am over you. I am freeing myself from your little web of stupid jocks and…spiders, and stuff. I am kicking the bullet to the curb and dropping the warp like it's hot, because that's what I've got to do.
PENNY: Leonard, you're right. I keep picking all these guys that I think I can change, or I think they'll change for me, but…they're all losers. They never change, and they never will.
LEONARD: Tell him.
LEONARD: Tell him. (takes the mic) Hey, Kurt! Penny's got something to say to you. (gives her the mic)
PENNY: Leonard, I can't just…
LEONARD: No, if you want to be us again, you have to do this.
LEONARD: Fine, then let me finish my song.
PENNY: No, no, wait… (talks into the microphone) Kurt…
KURT: (stands up) What's going on? What are you doing with that dwarf?
LEONARD: Oh yeah, you want to take this outside and… No, I'm not that drunk yet.
PENNY: Kurt, I want to be with Leonard. Because he is kind and considerate and honest with me. And you, Kurt, you are just an enormous loser. You hear that, ladies? Yeah, you skanks in the corner, I've seen you drooling over him all night. Well, you can have him, because he's a loser, capital L! (makes the "loser" gesture on her forehead)
(at the same time, RAJESH and his "boyfriend" stand up to shout "You go, girl!", then RAJESH awkwardly sits back down again)
PENNY: (to LEONARD) Now, you have to promise you won't pressure me again.
LEONARD: I never...
PENNY: You were a jerk, Leonard. You bit my head off because you said the L-word before I could commit to it.
LEONARD: Yeah, okay...I was a jerk...
PENNY: (points to the mic) Say it.
LEONARD: (into the mic) I, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, promise not to be a jerk.
PENNY: Good. Thank you. I've missed you so much. (leans in to kiss him again, but his cheeks bulge as he's about to puke, so he clamps a hand over his mouth and runs off)
HOWARD: (applauding as LEONARD runs off) He is one brilliant S-O-B. Using reverse psychology to hook back up with Penny.
RAJESH: I don't think it was a plan. I think he really felt that way at the time.
HOWARD: Oh, please, we both knew he was never going to get over her.
RAJESH: You're right. He was hopelessly hooked from the start.
YOUNG MAN: (RAJESH's "boyfriend" approaches) You took the words right out of my mouth, hot stuff.
RAJESH: (cries out) No means no! (runs away)
(cut to Eddie's apartment, EDDIE is typing at her computer while SHELDON is asleep on the couch, with the cat sleeping up near his head)
EDDIE: Yes! Done!
SHELDON: (jerks awake) Puff the Dragon!
EDDIE: (goes to the couch) Sheldon, thanks. I really appreciate your help with this. I apologize if I got a little intense at times.
SHELDON: Apology accepted. You were under pressure. May I have my keys back now?
EDDIE: Yes. (gives him his keys) And now, it's time for some celebratory baking. I'm thinking…scotcharoos.
SHELDON: Scotcharoos? You mean the rice-krispie bars with chocolate and peanut butter?
EDDIE: I do.
SHELDON: My mee-maw makes those!
EDDIE: You wanna help? You can lick the melting spoon.
SHELDON: Oh, goodie! I can teach you how mee-maw makes them. Do you have any lard?
EDDIE: (sarcasm) Uh…no. When I went to the supermarket, the bitch in front of me took the last can.
SHELDON: Drat! Considering all I've heard them do, I can't blame anyone for speaking poorly of bitches. Well, we'll have to make do. As mee-maw would say, "Sometimes life hands you a cow when you ask for ham."
EDDIE: That explains the steer I found in my closet this morning. (laughs, but dies out when she realizes SHELDON is silent) That was a joke.
(SHELDON snickers slightly)
EDDIE: Oh! And I know what we can listen to while we work! (uses the TV remote, then a Wii remote, and a composition of "Frere Jacques" begins to play)
SHELDON: We rock, don't we?
EDDIE: We really do. (joins him in the kitchen again)
SCENE SIX: Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. HOWARD is there with his black eye, RAJESH and LEONARD are both sitting with ice packs on their heads, hungover, and PENNY is sitting next to Leonard.
HOWARD: Well… Who knew that karaoke night at the Cheesecake Factory could be so wild?
RAJESH: I think I can feel my next reincarnation starting… My tongue's all fuzzy. I must be turning into moss. I was kind of hoping to be a cockapoo. (HOWARD looks at him weird) What? Everyone loves cockapoos.
LEONARD: I'm sorry I ruined our night, Penny.
PENNY: Oh, it's okay, sweetie. You didn't puke on my new car mats, so I forgive you. (kisses his forehead)
SHELDON: (enters with a small Tupperware container, surveys the damage done to his friends) You people really fall apart without me, don't you? (none of them reply, he holds out the Tupperware) Scotcharoo?