Disclaimer: Katamari Damacy belongs to Namco. No profit is being rolled up from this.
A story caught in a Katamari by Shadsie
The day had been a rather mundane one for Billy, except of course for the fact that he'd died. He was pretty sure he was dead or at least in a hardcore coma. That idiot driver apparently hadn't read the road rules about bikes having the right of way. The young man had found himself tumbling as if he were a ball before his head hit the pavement. Then there was that tunnel of light that people were supposed to see as they died, but there weren't any angels or dead loved ones or anything. Billy just found himself in this weird space with clouds.
He hoped there wouldn't be any harps. He was not fond of harp music.
"Hello?" he called, "Is there anyone here?"
Some clouds parted to reveal… what was that, a foot? A giant, purple foot – it looked like it was clad in tights or a thin sock.
"We are above you, Eeny-Meeny."
"Huh?" Billy yelped as he looked skyward. He screamed and fell back. The foot was attached to a massive leg. There was another massive leg on the horizon. They lead up to a relaxed torso. A face stared down at him. It had a crown and looked kingly, except that it also appeared as though it were caught within a giant round pillow – one of the kind Billy had seen decorating couches in fancy furniture shops.
"Are you God?" Billy ventured.
"We are magnificent," the giant replied. "We are the King of All Cosmos."
"Okay, um… I must be dreaming or something. I didn't expect Heaven to be like this. Actually, I'm not sure I expected a Heaven at all. You see, I wasn't all that big into the whole church thing, just a Christmas and Easter thing with Grandma…"
"A dream? What is the meaning of a dream? We once had a dream where we ate a bowl of ice cream the size of a Saturn."
"Yeah, well, that doesn't help me much. Am I dead?"
Speaking with the King was most strange. He did not speak only in words. Out of his mouth issued rainbows that fragmented and dispersed on the air and little symbols such as hearts and Xs and Os, and little boxes and triangles.
"So… I guess I'm supposed to ask you," Billy stammered, "What is the meaning of life?"
"We sent our precious son to Earth."
Something set to life within Billy. Yes! The blather he'd heard in church during all those services with Grandma but never paid much attention to because it sounded too bizarre to him to take as seriously as she did. Something about a manger… and goats… horrible gruesome death. He held up his finger and spoke proudly;
"Yes! You sent your son to earth to be supplication for our sins, right?"
"We sent our son to Earth to roll."
"To roll. Katamari Damacy is the best."
Now Billy was really confused. "What is Katamari Damacy?"
Music swelled from somewhere behind the King, or maybe below him. "Da, na, na, na, na," sang disembodied voices, interspersed with clicks and "tsks."
"What is a Katamari?" the King of All Cosmos said, apparently asking himself, "What does a Katamari smell like? What does it taste like? What does it mean? What is the sense of a Katamari?"
Billy jumped when a tiny creature appeared behind him, popping up from beneath a cloud. It was the size of a small child and had the same pillow-head ailment the King suffered from. It was dressed in green and had what seemed to be an antenna sticking out of its head. The little creature beamed and waved its arms frantically.
"Our son. You're so cute. "
"This is your son?"
The little creature remained silent.
"The Prince, yes. We were the Prince once. We had a pompadour then."
Billy's jaw dropped when he beheld a massive structure behind the "Prince." I was an enormous ball to which was affixed trees, rocks, buildings and little twitching people.
"Is that the White House?"
He could have sworn he heard someone yelling "We're sorry we didn't believe you when you said a 'Katmawhawhatsiehusit" was coming! We don't play video games like you do!"- to which there was a response in the voice Billy had heard in many televised speeches of "Gentlemen, prepare to become a star."
To his amazement, the King of All Cosmos effortlessly picked up the giant random-stuff ball, bounced it in his right hand a few times and launched it into the inky blackness of the sky above them, where it blazed out, becoming a celestial body. All Billy could do was stare. A fly buzzed around the space-outside-of-space and landed in his mouth. It left before he regained control of himself.
"Do you wish to roll, too, Eeny-Meeny?"
"Huh? What?" Billy responded to the King's question. Before he could say anything else or protest, the Prince grabbed his hand and they both popped through the floor of clouds, hurtling at breakneck speed to mountains, rivers, oceans, trees and a city below. Billy thought that he was going to die again.
When he found himself standing on his own two feet, he saw an great nubby ball before him. He puzzled at it. It looked like one of those "bumble ball" toys for toddlers that used to be all the rage back in the 90s. His nephew had one. He turned and saw the Prince standing next to him, a similar ball before him. The Prince nodded to him and waved his stubby little arms. He placed his hands (if he had hands?) upon the ball and stared rolling it forward. Random things from the street began sticking to it – grass, weeds, discarded littler, Japanese game pieces, dice, mice, socks, dancing rice cooking pots – what?
A voice from above echoed; "Roll the Katamari! Roll it large!"
Not knowing what else to do, Billy started pushing his ball, following the Prince's lead, gathering random things. Why was this city so cluttered? When people started running from him and when he rolled up a random Sumo wrestler, he was beyond confused.
Billy remembered an old story about people in Hell rolling a huge rock uphill continuously for all eternity as punishment for their sins. He couldn't remember if it came from Greek mythology or some medieval writer. He wondered if he had, in fact, gone to Hell.
He heard distinctive singing. He must have picked up another cat.
The young man smiled. This wasn't the kind of Heaven he had expected, but if it was Hell, at least it was an amusing Hell.
It took me all of an hour to write this. I had the idea in my head for a while, but didn't know it if was worthy to write until one of my online friends (Sunoko) begged it out of me. So, here it is. I originally included emoticon-type heart-symbols in a couple of sentences, but the fan fiction network has a way of destroying formatting an author really wants. It is like jumping through hoops to do anything on this site. Argh.