Identity Theft is a Serious Problem
Summary: A man's passing himself off as Kakashi! And nobody can spot the difference! The trouble is, he has amnesia, and Kakashi's nowhere to be found. Who the hell is this natural-permed guy with an addiction to strawberry parfaits?
You know that rape-face Gintoki and his lackeys make sometimes? I'm making that face now. I've taken a liking to Gintama now. Why? 'Cuz it's FREAKING INSANE! Oh my god, those people are FREAKING INSANE. Just FREAKING INSANE. Did I mention that they were FREAKING INSANE? I think I did. Anyways, remember when the Yorozuya (and Katsura) became ninjas? Yeah, well I thought White Ninja looked a loooooot like the Copy Ninja. And then BAM! This popped up. Well, enjoy. It's 4 am.
Duuude...the tank works!
Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of a gorilla. Naruto is the property of...some dude in a suit. The tank is mine.
Chapter One: If You Can't Remember Last Night, Then You Know You Had A Good Time
Huh? What the hell is this? The sky's all green.
Huh? I'm the one all green?
Huh? Why am I sleeping in a place like this?
Huh? Hasn't something like this happened before? Huh?
"Mommy, why is that man sleeping in the bushes?"
"Kya! Rei-chan, cover your eyes!"
Huh? Is there a pedophile in the bushes? Maybe I should check.
The man abruptly sat up. The first thing his senses registered was an uncomfortable pricking sensation. Next was a gentle breeze that was chillier than usual. He blinked, and took a glance down.
He blinked again. Something was…off.
"Where are my pants?"
Oh, well that would explain the draft. Wait…
"WHY AM I NAKED?"
In an instinctual effort to preserve what was left of his reputation, the silver-haired man quickly jumped into a larger bush that managed to conceal what the mosaic won't.
Ok, let's calmly think this over. Think, man, think. What the hell happened last night? What did I drink? Where are my clothes? How did I end up in a bush? WHO PAID THE BILL? Wait, why am I worrying about that?
Scrunching his eyebrows, he tried desperately to recall the night's activities. To no avail.
"GAH! I can't remember! How did I end up in a situation that's usually reserved for the Gorilla? The main character shouldn't end up like this! My rank's gonna go down for sure! I'm gonna have to pull some Bleach cosplay to even make it to the top 20! Wait, what am I talking about? Who's a gorilla? What rank? WHAT THE HELL'S 'BLEACH'?"
The man did his best to calm himself. First things first, he needed some cover. He looked around for a towel, a barrel, heck, another bush would do!
Ah! There! On the railing of that two-story apartment, billowing in the breeze, beckoning to him, was a set of freshly washed and dried laundry. Checking for any witnesses, he practically lifted the bush out of the ground and skittered his way up the stairs. He was slightly guilty for taking someone else's laundry, but what kind of idiot would dry clothes where naked men could take them?
He quickly pulled on a pair of navy blue pants and a matching shirt. Curiously enough, the shirt had some sort of mask attached. Curiouser, there was another mask underneath. Huh, people these days are into some weird fashions. He pulled up the mask. Maybe he could hide his identity in case he gets arrested for grand theft laundry. There was also a drab green flak vest and a pair of metal plated gloves. Well, if he was gonna take this guy's clothes, might as well go all the way.
The outfit fit him surprisingly well. It was easy to move in, and was less cumbersome than a kimono. Maybe he should think about investing in an outfit like this. The silver-haired man made a mental note to go have a chat with Sorachi-sensei about his character design.
Eh? Who's Sorachi-sensei? This was really confusing. He was talking about things that he had no recollection of. Come to think of it, he didn't even know his own name! Did he get amnesia? Who was he? How did he end up naked in a bush? He got a sense of déjà vu, like this has happened before.
It was then that he noticed the faint red splotches that were scattered on various parts of his outfit. They were most noticeable in the grooves of the metal plates in the gloves. The man's face blanched.
O-Oi, wh-what's this? I-Is this guy a painter or something? Heh, yeah, that's what it is; red paint. It's definitely not blood or anything. I definitely didn't steal the clothes of a serial killer.
Unfortunately, the painter that was pictured in his head wasn't using paint.
M-M-Maybe he's a-a butcher! Yeah! The blood from the meat got on him and he couldn't wash it out!
Unfortunately, the butcher that was pictured in his head wasn't butchering animals.
"GYAH! I'm too young to be butchered by a painter! Painted by a butcher! I'M TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE!"
With himself fully covered, the amnesia-riddled man got the heck out of there, in case the owner showed up. A pity that there were no shoes available, but he'll deal with it later. A few steps away from the apartment, he felt something dig into him from the pant pockets. He dug his hand in and pulled out a metal headband. There was an engraved symbol of a…snail? What, is this guy part of a snail cult or something? He snickered quietly to himself.
The silver-haired man stopped when he saw someone in the same outfit as him pass by, with the snail headband fixed firmly on their forehead. Then there was another, and another, and another. He stood there dumbstruck. There really is a Snail cult! Quite a few people were beginning to stare at him oddly, so he quickly tied the headband on to avoid standing out. However, the damned thing kept drooping over his left eye. He walked onto a deserted part of the street, and tried to comprehend the situation.
Okay, so I wake up stark naked in a bush with no memories of who I am and had to steal some guy's clothes. Then I find out the owner is either a painter or butcher and is part of a weird snail cult, and there are more of them! This is a serious 'what the fuck' moment! What the hell's going on? What- Eh? Did Edo always have a Mount Rushmore? EH?
For the first time, the man noticed the looming mountain carved with faces in the background.
"What the hell? Where am I? Did the Amanto carve up Mount Fuji? Or did they relocate Mount Rushmore? The Americans are gonna be pissed! And since when was there five presidents? And one of 'em is a chick! A pretty hot chick, BUT STILL! No wait, what's an Amanto?"
"Hey! Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei!" Some obnoxious kid was yelling loudly, but the ranting man tuned him out. Ah, what to do in this situation? Maybe this is a dream! A hallucination! I'm still in bed, with a bad hangover! Maybe if I close my eyes, Mount Rushmore will disappear.
"Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei! BAKA-SENSEI!"
"WHO YOU CALLIN' 'BAKA-SENSEI'?" He whirled around, planning to give the brat a piece of his mind, but stopped when he saw the kid's outfit. It was bright orange. It was so orange that it hurt. The kid also had a Snail Cult headband on his forehead. His attire was vaguely familiar. "What are you, cosplaying 'Beruto' or something? You've got the color all wrong. If you want to cosplay, you gotta put your heart into it. Beruto wears blinding yellow. You've got the 'blinding' part right. Just need to work on your color." Wait, what the hell is Beruto?
"Huh?" The kid frowned quizzically. "Sensei, did you forget my name? It's 'Naruto', not 'Baruto'."
"It's 'Beruto', not 'Biruto'." The older man corrected him.
"Naru- ah, forget it." The orange kid stared at his hair. "Sensei, when did you get a perm?"
"Eh? Perm? I have a perm?" He ran a hand through his hair. Sure enough, the curly locks passed through his fingers. Something told him they were a hundred percent natural. He sensed he had a love-hate relationship with them. "My hair aside, who are you? Are you someone I know? Should I be beating you up?"
"Sensei, what's gotten into you?" Exclaimed the bright orange kid. "Did you fall down the stairs or something?"
"Maybe." 'Sensei' replied. "I found myself waking up in a bush. I can't remember what my name is or who I am. You called me 'Sensei', right? Well, as my student, you are obliged to help your teacher." His foggy memory remembered a loud and obnoxious brat always tagging along with him. Maybe this was his brat. "Now go find Sensei some food. Your name's making me hungry for some ramen. Or better yet, some strawberry parfait." His stomach growled on cue.
"Ramen?" A huge grin was plastered on Ber-Naruto's face. "Why didn't you say so earlier? Let's go to Ichiraiku's right now!" He tugged on the older man's sleeve eagerly. "A delicious bowl of ramen is bound to jog your memory!"
"But I don't have a cent on me." Kaka-sensei moaned. Naruto pouted.
"Sensei's a liar. I know for a fact that you've been going on high-level missions and have been raking it in."
"Eh? I have? Oh, well, maybe I left my wallet in my other pants. These were just washed, you know." It was sorta true. Kinda.
Naruto frowned, having an inner debate, but his love for ramen won in the end. "Alright, fine. I'll cover you just this once. But you gotta pay me back double!"
"Excellent!" Kaka-sensei exclaimed. "Don't worry; you pay me 3, I'll pay back 7. Let's go, Beruto-kun!"
"It's not Beruto, it's Naruto!"
Kaka-sensei followed Naruto as he led the way towards the ramen stand. However, he didn't walk more than a few steps when he suddenly gasped and plastered his face against a shop window. Naruto stopped and turned to see what the commotion was.
"Eh? What is it, sensei? Is it a new release of that Ero-sennin's porn book?"
"No…" The man was almost drooling on the glass. "It's…a magazine…" His body was involuntarily drawn towards it. The characters on the covers struck against the brick wall that blocked him from his memories. He slowly turned to Naruto, narrowing his eyes in a serious manner.
"Beru- eh no, Naruto-kun, I have a feeling that this tome could be vital in helping me recover my memories. You're being such a wonderful and dutiful student, helping your poor sensei when he's in this state. Please, if you would get this book for me, I will treat you to all the ramen that my bank account will allow."
Naruto couldn't believe his ears. Where was the Kakashi that kept making him eat vegetables and other nasty things? The aloof and nonchalant teacher that just sat around, with his nose buried in his porno. "Eh? Really? Aw, shucks, sensei. When you put it that way…you promise to buy me ramen?"
"Alright! I've hit the jackpot!" Naruto pumped a triumphant fist in the air. Amnesia-sensei was the best! "But you'd better live up to your promise, or else I'm telling Ero-sennin to stop writing his porn."
"Can't have that now, can we?"
Moments later, Naruto walked with the usual sensei-giggling-into-his-book following him to Ichiraiku's.
"Man, what a good read," sighed the silver-haired man as they took a seat at the ramen stall. "Nothing beats limited editions. Now if only I could get a limited edition parfait, I'll die happy." He tucked the magazine into a vest pocket.
"Whatever, sensei," said Naruto, picking his nose. "I thought you were talking about a skin mag. I can't believe you still read things like Jump when you're this age. Whatever. Some ramen will soon set you straight."
"I guess it'll be the usual for you, Naruto?" Said the proprietor who introduced himself as Teuchi "Fancy seeing you here, sensei. Usually it's Iruka-sensei who gets dragged along by Naruto-kun. You don't come here often enough."
"Eh? I don't? But this place smells great!"
"Kaka-sensei bumped his head and lost his memories." Explained Naruto. "I'm helping him to get them back!"
"Well, you're on the right track. A belly full of ramen will bring those memories rushing back. Right then! Ayame, two Naruto Specials!"
Pretty soon, two steaming bowls of noodles were placed in front of the two voracious customers. Kaka-sensei took a whiff and nearly melted at the heavenly fragrance. His jaw dropped as he saw Naruto practically inhaling the stuff like oxygen. For a second there, he thought he saw a red-haired Chinese girl in Naruto's place. He blinked and the image was gone. Huh.
"Well, itadakimasu." He broke apart his chopsticks and pulled down his mask. God, the ramen tasted better than anything he'd ever eaten! Well, maybe except for a strawberry parfait. Wait, did he like parfaits? He'd better. But as he ate, Kaka-sensei noticed that he was the only one eating. What happened to the black hole? He looked up from his food and saw Naruto staring at him with a shocked expression on his face. "Eh? What's wrong? Is there something on my face? Is it a spider? Is it a big spider? Get it off!"
Naruto simply stammered, too shocked to be coherent. "N-no…y-your…your mask! I!... You!...I can see your face!"
Kaka-sensei raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I can see your face too, kid. What, am I that handsome? I know I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but if it turns on brats, then I might have to consider plastic surgery."
"Shut up, Baka-sensei! I meant that you took off your mask! You never take off your mask! I thought it was a permanent feature on your face! We even had a whole episode where we tried to take off your mask but you pulled some lame-ass joke on us in the end!"
"Calm down, ya little runt." Kaka-sensei lazily cleaned his ear with a pinkie. "So what if I take off my mask? A face is a face; we're all based on the same template, anyways."
"But now you've lost your mysterious allure! You were always the lazy, chronically-late, faceless porno addict who sometimes had some cool moments. Now you're just a lazy porno addict, and that just doesn't have the same appeal. That's about as cool as a closet perv!"
"You left out 'chronically-late' for the second description."
"Right, that. My point is- CRAP!"
Kaka-sensei cocked his head. "Eh? Your point is crap? So what was the point of your little speech if it meant crap?"
"No, no!" Naruto wailed. "I just remembered; Sakura-chan sent me to find you because you were later than usual for our meeting. But I got side-tracked and now she's gonna kill me!" The kid took up a fetal on the ground and began whimpering.
"Oi oi, it'll be alright." Kaka-sensei stooped next to his student and tried to coax him out of it. "I'll go with you so you can explain to your girlfriend that you were helping me and get me off the hook. Then she can kill you anyway she wants."
At the mention of 'girlfriend' Naruto's face flushed beet red and he vehemently cried "S-she's not my girlfriend! Well, it'd be nice if she was, but she only has eyes for that emo bastard!"
Kaka-sensei's eyes glinted mischievously. "Oooh, is this a love triangle I sense? Well, don't you worry about a thing, my cute little pupil. Sensei'll help you take down your emo and get the girl!"
"Really? You'll do that, Sensei? But I always thought you favored Sasuke-teme 'cuz he's got that stupid Sharingan?"
"What kind of a teacher was I if I played favorites? And what the hell's a Sharingan? Besides, I don't see Satori-teme or whatshisname here paying for my Jump and ramen. If there's anyone I should be favoring, it'd be you, Beruto-kun."
Naruto's eyes welled up with tears. Amnesia-sensei really was the best! "It's not Beruto; It's Naruto, Baka-sensei," he sniffed, and wrapped his sensei in a hug.
"O-Oi, you're getting snot all over my freshly washed clothes. Let go, you brat! And it's not Baka-sensei, it's Kaka-sensei!"
"Whatever. By the way, sensei, why aren't you wearing shoes?"
Notes: I'm just gonna rant about video games here. Why? Well, it's because HALO 4'S COMING OUT IN 2012! HOOOOOIIII! I am so freaking excited! Are you freaking excited? I'm freaking excited! You'd better be freaking excited (No, you don't have to be. Please don't hurt me.) AND! They're revamping the original Halo: Combat Evolved! AND IT'S COMING IN NOVEMBER! I'M FREAKING EXCITED! (I'm feeling rather excited. Please don't hurt me for it.) YEAH!
- Chindu Prince of Darkness
P.S. Hah~ 'Naruto' gets auto-corrected into 'Narcotic'